someday.

to my sweet, sweet girls.

today, you are so little.  you look to daddy and me to take care of every need that you have.  you ask for our kisses on your scrapes and bruises.  you love to snuggle on our laps.  and your whole world is all about what happens in this cozy little home of ours.

you twirl around in tulle and ruffles, shoes mismatched on either foot.  cares and worries that weigh down your mind are limited to being able to find a princess dress to wear, or if your favorite pair of pajamas are in the laundry (which, i will tell you now... they probably are).  i love watching you experience the world in such carefree beauty and pure innocence.

your daddy is your hero.  you reach up toward him with longing arms, ready to be swept up and secure.  you gaze at him with admiration sparkling in your eyes; you beg him to chase you and the air fills with shrieks and giggles as you circle through the hallway, your little feet pounding the floor.  little do you know right now, but you are watching him; learning you are valuable because of his love for you.  seeing how he loves your mama, how he dances with me through the kitchen and sings into my ear... and someday, when you're much older, you may think about a man you want to live this life with... and i hope you'll think of your daddy and me.

we are definitely not perfect and have a whole lot to learn, and things that we constantly have to change.  but our goal is to be an example for you of what you may want someday.  an example of two imperfect people that choose to love god and one another every single day.  who mess up, who laugh together, who forgive, and who love wholeheartedly.  i wanted to share with you a few things we have learned along the way, and other pieces of advice that wise people have told us.  someday, you may make one of the biggest decisions of your life when you choose to say yes (or no) to someone who asks you to be his wife.  and i would not be doing my job as a mother if i didn't give you a few things to consider or put into practice.  someday.

don't make marriage your number one.  make being a godly, kindhearted, good person your number one.  enjoy life, have fun, go after your dreams and seek to grow in the lord.  this should be your number one.  i heard someone say once that you should run the race of this life that is set out before you, with your eyes focused on jesus, and at some point, if you look over and see someone running with you... well, there may be your teammate.  but don't ever run after anyone.  you are precious and valuable... run after god and the rest will fall into place.  be confident in the woman that you are; how you are gifted, what you love to do, your life passions... don't wait for a man to define who you are.  you are beautiful, unique and special and so worthy; not because of being a "mrs", but because the lord of the universe thinks so.

be a good friend and value relationships.  you will hear us say this your entire childhood, but daddy and i so strongly believe in the importance of relationships.  we each had strong friendships in place before we ever met each other, and we've often said if one of us didn't, what a huge red flag that would have been.  friendships teach us how to love someone else, how to resolve conflict, how to receive criticism, how to spur one another on through good times and bad.  hold fast to those friendships; don't give them up when you begin to fall in love, or when you get married.  your husband is not meant to fulfill all of your needs, and you aren't meant to satisfy all of his.  girlfriends have a unique and special place in your life; value them.  and if a man doesn't have good friendships with other guys in his life, consider why.  the absence of friendship or the ability to stick in a friendship long term *may* be indicative of other character flaws that you may not see.

seek advice and wisdom from others, and be humble and teachable.  when you're young and in love, it will sometimes feel as if you can take on the world.  it's easy to get swept up in romance, therefore it's even more crucial to have people in your life to hold you accountable and breathe perspective into your floating-on-a-cloud-world.  to ask you the hard questions.  to help walk you through the ups and downs of bringing two lives together.  and, if the man you are with doesn't think he needs to seek (or heed) the advice of others, pay attention to that too.  there's a lot to be said for a man with humility, let me tell you this.  when daddy and i were engaged, we spent six months meeting with a much more seasoned married couple.  they went through a book with us, spent time sharing with us, challenging us and imparting invaluable truths that have impacted our marriage to this day.  people who have been married longer than you, well they know more and have experienced more.  pay attention.  listen.  heed.  take what you like and leave the rest.

have fun.  be comfortable as you are dating.  whoever you marry should be your best friend.  it's not always easy, but it should be fun, comfortable and you should be able to laugh.  a lot.  eat cheeseburgers at midnight, sit in the rain while it messes up your hair, wear sweats and no make up and find ease in trusting god with your heart as you seek to know more about the man that has your attention.  and don't be afraid to eat off his plate, even on your first date.  i totally did that with your daddy, and look where we are today.  some things are meant to get right out in the open and us cornwell girls, well, we like our food.

finally, whomever you choose to walk through this life with, make sure he makes you a better person.  make sure he values you with his entire being; and cherish him just as much.  love his family and his friends, and become a part of his world.  and make sure that he in turn values the things and people that are important to you.  also: remember that it's not all about you! relationships and marriage is give and take.  make sure that you aren't taking more than you are giving, and vice versa.  challenge and admonish one another with love; marriage is a powerful tool in which god makes us look more and more like him.  you should marry someone not only because you love them; but because you are convinced that you can serve the lord better with him by your side, than without.  

marriage it's not always easy, and it is hard work.  but it's also beautiful and life giving when we are seeking after the one who holds our hearts.

someday, instead of twirling in circles in a dress with pink sequins and a tulle skirt, you may be walking toward a man in a dress made of white.  someday, instead of brushing your hair off your forehead at bedtime and singing you your favorite song, your daddy may be handing you off to another man; one who has promised to take his place in being your protector, your hero, your love.  someday seems very far off, but i know it is much closer than i'd like to think.  so for now, i will continue to kiss your scraped up knees and hold your sweet faces in my hands, telling you just how much i love you.  i will continue loving your daddy with every fiber of my being, asking for forgiveness when i've done wrong, and seeking to respect him for the man that he is.  because i know that someday is right around the corner, and i want to pour my heart into preparing you for what's to come, and raising you to be women that follow after the heart of jesus.

"someday" begins with our everyday.  i am with you and for you.  and i take such great joy in being your mom and the wife of your dad.  

love you to the moon and back (and back and back),
mama

a mind of peace.

i'm sitting here this morning, in a rocking chair on my parents front porch. all around me, the notes of bird songs float through the still, blue skies. the sun is shining and there is a touch of chill in the morning air.

{ahhhhh}

in this anxiety-driven world, we are in need of peace. where our minds are quiet, our hearts are still... we feel no fear but instead fully surrendered. fully trusting.

i have always struggled with this.

last week, i wrote about how my husband and i met, and how god beautifully scripted our love story in a way that only he is perfect in doing. i also mentioned that god used that season of my life as another chapter--a pivotal one--in the love story continually unfolding between me and my sweet jesus.

when nick&i began talking about marriage, and i realized that i was completely head-over-heels for this man that had come into my life, panic set in. panic because i knew that god was asking me to fully surrender this relationship to him. panic that if i did, he would take it away. panic that i had no control over what was to come. panic that i was completely vulnerable... and therefore, completely open to experience hurt and pain.

and

what

if

loss?

you see, i have always been paralyzed with fear at the thought of losing someone i love. from the time i was a little girl, it has been my worst fear. fast forward twenty-three years. i had just moved to dallas, texas and found myself in a new city, trying to manage the demands of seminary and figuring out what my new life minus-any-of-my-friends-and-family was going to look like. that christmas, my father, who was my rock and my constant encourager, was diagnosed with a rare liver disease that will eventually lead to cirrhosis of the liver.

panic.

i don't think you ever go back to how life was before traumatic events shatter your reality. life can be richer, deeper and more beautiful, but the simplicity and perhaps the naivety that once protected your soul is gone. never to return. i'm still dealing with that. although i do desire to grow into a stronger woman and passionately pursue the heart of jesus, which i know doesn't happen through the easy circumstances of life. and yet sometimes i want to live in a bubble. the bubble of comfort, ease and safety.

since living life with open hands and surrendering those i love to the lord was already an anxiety-evoking-event in my life... imagine what it became after my dad's diagnosis. especially when nick cornwell entered the picture. my mind began racing, driven by fear and worry... always anticipating the worst; the "what ifs". that summer, before our engagement, i spiraled into the darkest season of my life. anxiety. depression.

i remember not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. life felt hopeless. i began living in my fears as if they were reality. everything was dark; even on the sunniest of days. my stomach was always a tangle of nerves and i could barely eat anything without feeling nauseous. i think i lost close to twenty pounds.

hopeless. fearful. anxiety-ridden.

in that pit, even reading my bible made me more anxious because i didn't trust god. my fear was telling me not to, because he had failed me with not healing my father. i didn't fully understand who he was... my view of him lead me to believe that he would cause all of my worst fears to come true so that i would become a "better christian". i didn't understand how much he loved me... and how he wanted me to rest in that love. all i could do was pray and listen to worship music to find even a semblance of the peace i so desperately longed for.

but god showed up.

the tears are flowing as i recall this season of my life because god so vividly showed up. he rescued me and delivered me through his faithfulness and love for me. i remember hearing his still voice constantly telling me to "cease striving" (which i know was him because who uses that phrase?! i certainly didn't). he lead me to two specific passages that i clung to for hope:

psalm 46:10 "be STILL and know that i am god"

and ephesians 3:17-20 which he used to reveal his unending love for me:

"...and i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of god. now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work within us."

in that dark, dark season of my life, jesus brought light. he gently showed me just how much he loved me so that i could rest in him... so that i could trust him; even with my hugest fears. he worked in ways that made his leading unmistakable so that i could see him and sense him even through the hopelessness that clouded my sight.

and i am forever changed because he loved me enough to be there, and speak in ways that were intimate whispers that only he&i knew.

living life with open hands is something i continue to struggle with, and probably always will. the first year we were married, every morning when nick left for work, fear formed in my stomach. fear that he would get in an accident and never come home. fear that i just kissed him for the last time. morbid, i know. but i would lie there in bed, heart paralyzed.

good thing god's grace is sufficient.

he's been continually restoring my heart and my mind. again... he is faithful. i still have my moments. when i look in on bella at night before i go to bed. when i watch the gentle rise-and-fall of her chest, feel her tiny hand grasp my finger, bury my face in the softness of her hair... my heart shatters for an instant at the thought of losing her. it's an everyday battle to give my loved ones over the hands of jesus and rest in his love for me... his plan perfectly unfolding in my life and knowing that he will be faithful to complete it.

{DISCLAIMER: i would be highly negligent to suggest that this journey of mine through depression and anxiety was healed completely through the bible, prayer and jesus. on the contrary! i also had the help of an *amazing* counselor and some equally-amazing-antidepressants. as a christian who is also an almost-licensed-counselor, this is something i'm very passionate about and want to make sure i am communicating that medication + therapy are oftentimes necessary components to help in the healing process!}

i read this quote on a blog i stumbled across last week that divinely ministered to my heart. another mama talking about her journey in this. i love it when i know i'm not alone.

"When a woman has a kingdom heart, she has an active understanding of what matters most to the heart of God. She lives in the balance of passion and contentment. She learns to love well, give without regard to self, and forgive without hesitation. The woman with a kingdom heart may have a duffel bag full of possessions or enough treasures to fill a mansion, but she has learned to hold them with an open hand. Hold everything with open hands. I don't think we are ever allowed to grab hold of anything or anyone as though they matter more than the kingdom of heaven. When you hold relationships with open hands, then people come in and out of your life as gifts of grace to be cherished and enjoyed, not objects to be owned and manipulated. And then when you hold your dreams with open hands, you get to watch God resurrect what seemed dead and multiply what seemed small."

amen.

it's a love story.

i've always loved a good love story. what girl doesn't? you know... boy meets girl. first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. bring you back to elementary school? thought so.

last monday, nick&i celebrated our third wedding anniversary. it seems amazing to me that we've only been married for three years. i guess it's because i just can't think of my life apart from him. he is not only my husband, but my partner, my teammate, my very best friend.

{i'm already starting to tear up. oh, dear.

i always prayed for a good story. i had grown up reading christian books on dating... if you grew up in a church youth group, then you know the classics: i kissed dating goodbye (joshua harris), passion&purity (elisabeth elliot), lady in waiting (jackie kendall&debby jones). i knew exactly what i wanted to find, what i wanted in a dating relationship, and the kind of man i wanted to marry. god just took me on a long journey of trusting his plan and his story to unfold in that area of my life.

and i am so thankful he did.

one november night, my third and last semester at dallas seminary, i met up with one of my best friends who worked with the youth group at a church we were both interning at in irving, texas. we had dinner at a local restaurant with a group of people we worked with, most of them being youth leaders and volunteers. during the course of conversation, they all began talking about setting us up with people (not an uncommon occurrence, and i always dreaded it) when all of a sudden the head youth pastor mentioned a man named nick cornwell. immediately the table *burst* into excited conversation about us meeting and being the perfect couple (which i responded with rolling eyes, i'm quite sure). after listening to them talk about this man for at least twenty minutes, i became intrigued. i had never heard a group of people say such positive things about anyone for such a large amount of time.

i was in.

before i knew it, they found out he was studying at the coffee shop at the church and whisked me away to meet him. as we pulled into the church parking lot, the youth pastor turned to me and said "you're about to meet your future husband."

and the rest is history. just kidding. it wasn't that easy. but i can't describe how amazing it was to watch god allow everything to fall into place. as he was bringing our story into fruition, he was also teaching me more and more about HIS love for me, which was the most amazing and humbling part. he answered prayers in almost-eerie-ways that have left us speechless and amazed, reminded in such intimate ways of his boundless love for us.

i read a book once in college that told the story of a young couple that had spent time praying over god's timing and will for their relationship and future marriage. the man didn't have much money, so he began praying for god's provision for an engagement ring if it was indeed god's plan for them to get engaged. one day, he was putting on his coat and reached into his pocket. perplexed, he pulled out a wad of money he found there. to his amazement, he found hundreds of dollars in his coat that day--an answer to his prayer, god's "green light" for him that this was exactly his plan. i remember being blown away by that story and began praying in college for god to show me that someday when i was seeking him about marriage.

fast forward almost six years. nick had spent the summer doing ministry work with youth from a poor community in illinois. when we began talking about getting engaged, i knew he didn't have much money because he had given up a summer of work. i remembered that story, and i began praying for god's provision, for his "green light" for us, whenever that may be; even if it wasn't according to our plans or our desires. one day, i met him in his office when we were both working at the church where we met. he was sitting at his desk, a stunned expression on his face. when i asked him what was wrong he responded "something just happened, but i'm not sure i should tell you about it" to which i told him that he'd better! he reached to a spot on his desk and pulled out an evelope that was filled with hundreds of dollars... on the front of the envelope someone had written "for the ring."

just writing those three small words still sends chills up my spine. i could write a book detailing all of the ways that we have seen god's fingerprints all over our relationship, engagement and marriage. it has not only been a journey of our love for each other, but more importantly it's been an *amazing* journey of god revealing his intimate love for us in inexplicable ways.

and that's the best part.

i always love to share our story because it's such a testament of god's faithfulness and grace. no prayer is too small for god. he delights in working in special ways in our lives to remind us that he is there. our relationship, our marriage, our life hasn't always been smooth sailing, for sure. but it's been the rough patches that cement us in christ and bind us even closer to one another.

happy third year, my handsome husband. i love you more and more every single day. i admire and respect you more than anyone else i know. no one else pushes me to be a better woman, wife, mother like you do... just by being who you are. i am so thankful for your tender, sensitive heart and how you chase after the lord and don't give up, even when it's hard. i feel beyond blessed that you asked me to be your wife. so excited to see where the lord continues to take us on this journey.

i.love.you.

"i am my beloved's and my beloved is mine."

song of solomon 6:3

before--or after--you say "i do" (part three).

here is part three of my three part series of an article i wrote on marriage. if you need parts one and two, read those first and then come back. it will make alot more sense that way!

not having those hard conversations

oftentimes in dating or marriage, we are afraid to deal with areas of potential conflict, so instead we resort to avoidance... a behavior that is fatal to the level of intimacy within a relationship. everyone has issues, struggles and things that we'd rather not have someone else see. every relationship deals with areas of conflict--whether how to squeeze toothpaste from the tube or working through communication differences--and it seems easier sometimes to just bottle in our anger rather than address it. we are oftentimes afraid to deal with these struggles or "hot button" issues so we don't share with our partner, and thus avoid bringing up these hard conversations altogether. we don't want to "upset the apple cart" so instead we choose to compromise our closeness as a couple.

when my husband, nick and i began dating, he suggested from the start that we share with one another our struggles and issues--whether past or current. though we were both nervous and scared to be so vulnerable, it helped establish a pattern for us early on... we were able to fall in love with each other for who we really were; not who we pretended to be. this didn't just start (or stop) when we met each other. we both had mentor figures in our lives that helped us see things that we may not otherwise see. they helped give us guidance, godly advice and provided wisdom and discernment for us before we even met one another. throughout our dating relationship, we had these relationships and sought advice from those around us to help keep us level-headed and clear minded amidst the brain-cloudiness that often happens when falling in love. by god's grace, we both got involved in a recovery ministry through my job on staff at a church and began recognizing even more not only our shortcomings and issues, but the root of them as well. we say over and over this was god's grace at work in our lives... we don't know where we would be had that not been such an integral foundation to our marriage! we are far from perfect; that goes without saying! god graciously allowed us to be engaged in dealing with our struggles, seeking accountability and allowing others to ask tough questions of our lives.

not only did our mentor relationships and the support around us open us up to the practice of having hard, vulnerable conversations, but it also helped us deal with our "junk" before dragging it with us into a marriage where it has the ability to hurt another person so deeply. we've had some pretty tough conversations throughout our dating relationship, engagement and marriage. we've both had to work through dealing with each other's sin and the things that make us insecure and afraid. these moments of truth can be scary. they can tempt me to retreat back into my desire for a cozy, comfortable marriage... however, i know that's not what i desire at all. we cannot possibly have complete oneness in marriage if we're not willing to go to the dark places with our spouse. the battlefields. intimacy will only happen to the level of which we are willing to be open and honest with ourselves and with one another.

for me there is great fear in having these conversations because it feels like i am exposed to my husband; walking around without my skin on. and that is scary. vulnerability is oftentimes something that causes most of us great fear. we all, on some level, have the need for security. and baring our soul to another person (or having them bare theirs to us) seems like we are being robbed of that sense of safety. however, learning to communicate through these hard issues will only result in a greater sense of security and trust within a marital relationship. this must first begin in the dating process. all too often, people sign on to marry someone that doesn't really exist; they marry who that person pretends to be--or who they desire that person to be--rather than the reality. this is when the most intimate of relationships is established on shaky ground. a couple must work even harder then to re-establish crumbled trust and security within the relationship.

opening up our wounds to one another also allows the beauty of the healing process to take place. shame and guilt are met with grace... this is where the gospel gets to live within a marriage. while it is a scary process, a marriage can be deepened as the result. more importantly, god is glorified as we allow his grace and love to transform us from the inside out. authors jim and sarah sumner have truly lived this out in their marriage. though they write honestly about their struggle to live the gospel out within their marriage, their example implores to live the deeper marital relationship god desires for us. jim (a former male stripper) met sarah (a seminary graduate and theologian) after he had first met christ at willow creek church just outside of chicago. their story is marked by the beauty of oneness and christ's restoration as we take ownership of our junk and ask him to help us live authentically with one another. jim writes this:

"whatever we had been fighting about may have started with a hot button, but it ended in rage. yet god was right there with us. because i had turned to god, and sarah had turned to god while i was away, both of us had gained a fresh willingness to take ownership of our stuff. time and again we have gone to god, rediscovering our need for his forgiveness. in all our pettiness from past pain, immaturity from 'hot buttons' and sin from marital fights, we have found forgiveness in the lord. because god has forgiven us in christ jesus, we can forgive each other. we are partners in forgiveness. that is how we managed our engagement, and that is how we live together now. our relationship isn't easy, but it's strong--because forgiveness is the method that enables us to venture through this humbling life as one flesh." (just how married do you want to be? p. 137)

their book begs an intriguing question... just how married do you want to be? now, or someday in the future? how deeply do you want to experience intimacy in your relationship? how far do you want to practice oneness and allow the gospel to live out in your marriage--current or future? it may be scary to open up to one another on such an authentic level, but it allows us to experience god's design for marriage: total reliance on him, allowing him to chisel us more into the image of his son, and practicing his grace and forgiveness with ourselves and with our spouse.

god's purpose for marriage is far different than our culture's; and far more rewarding. marriage is an amazing journey... good, hard, messy and beautiful. all rolled into one. god wants us to experience nothing less. we can be sharpening ourselves now--whether married or single--in these areas of our lives. dependency on the lord, making him our number one love and passion, developing an understanding of holiness vs. happiness and living in authenticity with ourselves and others. it's what god calls us to.

before--or after--you say "i do" (part two).

if you missed the first part, you can find it here. this is an article i wrote for a friend's blog a few years ago about three pitfalls in dating/marriage that can lead to hardship within the relationship. here's part two.

thinking marriage is about happiness

one of my favorite books on marriage is sacred marriage by gary thomas. it caught my eye once because of the tagline of the book which reads, "what if god designed marriage to make us holy rather than happy?" this sentence can singlehandedly revolutionize the way we look at marriage. i can't tell you how many women and couples i see in my office on a weekly basis, complaining about their marriages because they are just not "happy" anymore. this thought not only applies to our marriages, but it beckons us to look more deeply into the sole purpose of life. is it to make us happy? or does life exist so that we can make god happy? in his book, gary speaks to this thought as he writes:

"one of the reasons i am determined to keep my marriage together is not because doing so will make me happier (although i believe it will); not because i want my kids to have a secure home (although i do desire that); not because it would tear me up to watch my wife having to start over (although it would). the first reason i keep my marriage together is because it is my christian duty. if my life is based on proclaiming christ's message to the world, i don't want anything to challenge that message. and how can i proclaim reconciliation when i seek dissolution? this analogy of reconciliation does more than merely provide the purpose for our marriage. it also helps us live out this purpose 'even when lightening strikes'... if i'm married only for my happiness, and my happiness wanes for whatever reason, one little spark will burn the entire forest of my relationship." (sacred marriage, p. 37)

many people in their single phase of life buy into the lie that "if only i were married, i would be happy". i certainly fell victim to this thought from time to time. this is when marriage begins to be elevated in one's life as the source of ultimate happiness. sure, marriage brings about so many wonderful blessings; with that, it also brings about a different set of trials, a different set of difficulties. this is where the "becoming holy" process begins. just two months into our marriage, my husband and i had a fairly severe falling out with some family and it impacted us greatly. being newly married, we were still trying to adjust to this new life and now this conflict was looming over us. it felt as though we were dragging a huge cinder block behind us in the months that followed. it was heavy and exhausting. i remember sitting on the couch one day, both of us in tears, as i told my husband i just wanted us to be able to enjoy being newlyweds. i wanted that bliss, that giddiness, that chance to just sail through life for a while, enjoying the benefits of marriage that were still new and exciting. instead, the lord allowed this huge hardship to slap us in the face so early on. i was angry. it just didn't seem fair.

being on the other side of this conflict now, and seeing how god used it in our marriage, however painful it was, i wouldn't trade that time in our life together for anything in the world. the lord used it to remind me that his desires for my marriage with my husband are so much greater than mine. i thought i wanted a blissful, easy, smooth, happy marriage, but i know that my heart longs for something so much deeper. i long for passion, for a profound sense of connection with my husband that comes as the result of working through conflict and hardship. not only that; but god longs for something deeper in my marriage as well. he longs to make me more like him.

don't give in to our culture's lie that finding love will make you happy; that marriage is all about our comfort, our satisfaction, our fulfillment. i believe it's important for us to develop a healthy sense of marriage while we are still single... not only that, but developing a healthy view of life in general. it's not about our happiness. it's about our holiness.

**part 3 coming soon...

before--or after--you say "i do" (part one).

one thing i'm passionate about (if you haven't figured this out already) is improving marriages in our society. i wrote this article a few years ago when i was working as a counselor on staff at irving bible church. it was for a friend of ours who asked me to create something for his blog and a series he was doing on singleness, dating and marriage. robert asked me to write on three things i thought contributed to hardship in marriage. whether you are single, dating or married i think it's important to challenge ourselves in this area. we can (and should) always be improving ourselves, which in turn, will improve our relationships.

with valentine's day around the corner, i decided to dig out this article and post it in a three part series on my blog. it challenges me to stay proactive in my marriage and i hope that it may encourage and challenge you--whether single or married--to live out what jesus calls us to.

part one.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------as we look around it is impossible to deny the state of marriage today in our society.

divorces are happening at an alarming rate, our society tells us if we're not "happy" to jump ship, and mainstream media seemingly applauds adultery presenting it as a glamorous option within marriage. it would be highly negligent of us as a Church not to examine the cracks in the sanctity of marriage within our culture to see what is at the root of its brokenness. as i have met with countless men and women as a pastoral counselor, i have seen several patterns contributing to such pitfalls within marriage. i'd like to outline three of them in this article--three ways to increase the likelihood of conflict and hardship within your marriage... current or future.

making marriage your everything

this pitfall establishes itself early on... well before marriage in most cases. our hearts begin to long for the love of a person who will live life with us. this desire in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing; however, it can become very harmful if marriage is set as "life's biggest goal". before we know it, we've begun putting our life on hold until "the one" comes and sweeps us off our feet. this is where the danger begins. when this poor person does come, unbeknownst to them, they have all the pressure of the world on their shoulders because we have made them our everything...the fulfillment of all of our dreams, our satisfaction, our first love, our main goal in life.

can you see the danger here? i remember struggling with this so much at times during my singleness. i wanted so badly to have that companion, that best friend, that man i was going to do life with. i had ten... yes, ten... bridesmaids dresses hanging in my closet, one of them i wore in my sister's wedding who is almost four years younger than me. i remember it being a struggle to fully live and enjoy those years being single. and now, as hard and lonely as they were at times, i have moments of missing them because they were some of the sweetest years of my life.

jesus found me in that season and helped me see that it was HIM and me doing life together. i remember my dad telling me "megan, even after you get married, it's always going to be you and jesus." if the lord did have marriage for me, i wanted my husband to be attracted to me because of the way i was running after jesus and making him my life... because that's what i wanted to do together in our marriage.

i have also seen married couples who make marriage their everything and at some point in their journey together, they're bound to be sorely disappointed. god made us for relationship. and that doesn't mean just with our spouse; it means with his people--single, married, old and young. period. once couples return from their honeymoon, there is a temptation to shut others out and just enjoy each other. while this definitely needs to happen at times to grow and enrich a martial relationship, there is so much joy that takes place in reaching out to others, getting involved in ministry, having alone time and time with individual friends (girl time/guy time) that is essential for a healthy, happy marriage. in their book just how married do you want to be?, authors jim and sarah sumner touch on the importance of living in community as a married couple:

"every christian couple needs to be in christian community. couples who get along well need it every bit as much as couples who argue and fight. being active in christ's body is part of what it means to love the church's head, christ jesus. authentic christian community is interpersonal. being in it is not the same as merely attending church. to be in christian community is to be relationally connected with other people who are connected to jesus christ." (just how married do you want to be? p. 156)

this again, is a pattern that begins in a dating relationship; before one even enters marriage. if you're dating, make sure to surround your relationship with community. not only will this help establish a sense of accountability for both you and your partner, but it will also keep your sole focus and attention off of each other and help remind you both that there is a world that exists outside your dating relationship! stay grounded in your church community, in your friendships. don't center your entire life around your romantic relationship. this will only assist in creating a pattern of unhealthiness in your relationship. make sure you're spending time apart and enjoying your own individual friendships, ministries and activities. if you're expecting your spouse to be your everything, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and you're guaranteed to cause your spouse undue frustration. that is *not* the way god designed marriage to be. he wants to be our number one love, passion and desire. no one and nothing else is designed to fulfill that position in our lives, including our spouse.

when my husband and i were first falling in love, he always made a point to tell me that i was his "second love." he told me that i will never be his first, nor should he ever be mine. i found myself getting annoyed when he would tell me that; it sounded so abrasive to me! now, i'm so thankful that my husband reminds me of that because it reminds me of my place in his life, and where his place in mine should be. this order was not instituted after we walked down the aisle; it was established in each of our lives long before we met one another. this only helped us keep god where he needs to be--as number one; not only in our individual lives, but in our life together.

**stay tuned for parts 2 and 3...

l-o-v-e.

l-o-v-e, by nat king cole, was the processional song that was played at nick&i's wedding as we were pronounced husband and wife.

love.

according to nat, l is for the way you look at me. o is for the only one i see. v is very very extraordinary. e is even more than anyone that you adore can love is all that i can give to you. love is more than just a game for two. two in love can make it. take my heart and please don't break it. love was made for me and you.

(got that song stuck in your head now?? i do.)

ok, so weird transition to trashy reality tv. but somehow i hope this will make sense. i've been helplessly addicted to "the bachelor" and "the bachelorette" for a while now... and this summer got hooked on the "bachelor pad". yes, it's true. it's like passing a bad car accident; somehow you are intrigued and you can't look away. and i have found that i am not the only one to indulge in this guilty pleasure of mine. so, i ask myself, what is the draw?

having been in school studying counseling and psychology for nearly eight years... and working for the past four as a counselor, one conclusion i can draw: we are all looking to love and to be loved. it begins at a young age. for girls, anyway. just take a look at the disney stories and movies we grew up loving. sleeping beauty. snow white. cinderella. beauty and the beast. that's what we loved when we were five. now that we're... well... almost thirty (in my case anyway)... we convert to... well... reality television. as shallow and as perverted as the shows may be, we are suckers for thinking "awww... how sweet" as a couple shares a kiss (before one of them is making out with someone different the next second, or course).

whaaat???

are we this desperate in our society to find love? i can't help but think this as i watch the people on these shows bounce from one person to another, turn on/off feelings like i turn on/off the faucet and throw themselves shamelessly at one another in a desperate attempt to be accepted. what is it about our culture these days that says that falling in love, finding "the one", getting married is the end goal; the ultimate happiness? so much to the point that we will often sacrifice ourselves to get it?

i remember falling prey to some of these thoughts and fears when i was in college... i attended a christian school whose famous phrase was "ring by spring".

geeeeez. what a goal. thanks, people.

i began to feel "less than" if i didn't get married straight out of college like almost everybody else. i remember at one point (in my height of immaturity and loneliness) telling god that i would rather marry the wrong person than to spend my life alone. seriously??! yiiiikes. just admitting that to the blog-world makes me feel a little crazy. thankfully, by god's grace, he woke me up to my own fear and insecurity and taught me how to love myself... all the while slamming every single door of possible relationships for about eight years of my life; praise. god.

so i began to learn how to love myself. how to "date" myself and get to know what i liked, who i was and what made me tick. i didn't want any guy defining that for me. and i certainly didn't want any relationship or man defining my happiness. and i am still on this journey now as a wife and a mom... i love my husband and my baby girl more than anything on this earth, and am continually reminding myself that they don't define me, nor do i define them.

i couldn't thank god MORE for the work he did on my heart... the hedge of protection he built around me until he brought my husband into my life... how he taught me to value and respect and truly LOVE myself.

one of my favorite sayings is: god can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. oh. so. true.

i tell nick allllll the time that it is a good thing that he met me at twenty five instead of twenty two... that would've been a complete disaster. god needed to work on me and bring me to a place where i was capable of loving and being loved in a healthy way.

*healthy*. did you hear that word, people of the "bachelor pad"??

so...just a lil psychology gleaned from reality television. so there really are some benefits to watching it (or so i say to defend myself to my husband's megan-why-are-you-watching-this look). and i won't even charge you a penny.