days of gratitude {6}: my job.

{source}

i was sixteen years old when i knew that i wanted to be a counselor.

i was sure of two things: one... that i loved to listen to people and two... that it would mean a whole lot of school.  and debt.  but i was okay with that, because it just felt like it was my calling.

i went off to college and plowed ahead to graduate school.  through lots of teary calls home, studying groups at the ihop down the street and several nights of putting on a pot of coffee at ten pm in order to make it through a research paper, i made it through by my last strand of sanity.  god opened the doors for me to work for a few years in a counseling ministry at an awesome church outside of dallas, and then lead me to pursue texas licensure.  it was then that i found myself working for a healthcare clinic doing psychological evaluations, as well as a private practice working as a clinician and in the front office as well.  i thoroughly enjoyed what i was doing, and loved the different people i got to meet with every day.  i was pregnant at the time, meeting back to back with several clients, and instead of being exhausted, i found myself energized and genuinely loving what i did.  that's when you know you've got a good thing going.  i specifically remember really enjoying working with kiddos.  being a young counselor, i found my niche connecting with little ones and adolescents and i really, really loved it.  their bright eyes even in moments of brokenness, unpretentious spirits, imagination, resiliency and playfulness was inspirational to me.  i remember being nine months pregnant and getting down on the floor, big belly and all, with some of my young ones to draw and play puzzles (thankfully, i was able to get up at the end of every session).  i just loved it.

when i had bella, i took a few months off and planned on going back to my work three days a week.  it was then we received the news no new parents want to hear: the daycare we had all lined up for bella was closing it's doors... we were at square one again.  i decided to take a year off, worked as a nanny for two sweet families so i could tote bella right along with me, and we also prepared our family for another huge change: moving halfway across the country to my home state of maine.  we didn't have jobs lined up, and weren't really sure what would fall into place but we knew god was calling us and many, many circumstances made that clear.  so we trusted him and made the move.  no surprise that his timing was hugely perfect and he provided in ways we could've never imagined.  nick, a full time teaching job in subjects he hadn't even been teaching... and me, an elementary school counselor: which has proven to be my most beloved job.

i found the advertisement as i was doing my daily browsing on a website for teaching jobs for nick.  it was perfect: three days a week, which was so ideal for me, and working with kids from pre-k to grade eight.  i didn't have experience in a school, but i knew it was where i wanted to be.  in the last year, i had talked to many people in maine, trying to gather information on school counseling... it was the shift i wanted to make in my field, and it's been amazing to watch god put all of the pieces together.

i don't write much about my job on my blog since it's so confidential in nature, but i'm tearing up as i type this, just thinking about the sweet little faces i have in my office every day, gathered around my table for daily lunch groups, talks over play doh or my little sandbox or a game of checkers.  these little ones entrust me every day with details of their lives, the hurts of their hearts or the things that make them smile, and i feel so blessed to be a part of their lives.

the school i work at is in a rural community, about 40 minutes from where i live.  it's quite a drive, but i wouldn't want to be anywhere else.  it's a school where my aunt had her first teaching job over twenty years ago, and the same place two of my best friends from high school grew up.  i am so thankful to be a part of such a wonderful school and community and am so excited to watch these students grow and blossom into beautiful young adults.  it's by far the hardest job i've ever had, but i love it so much it makes the stressful, difficult, busy parts so so worth it.

incredibly thankful for god's provision and his leading me into this field that i love so much.  so grateful to work with such a fantastic group of people.  and ever so blessed to be a part of these young lives.

authenticity.

tonight before i put bella down, i spent some extra time rocking her. it's my favorite time of the day, bedtime. for those few moments she is still and quiet and cuddled into my chest. as i sing to her, she stares up at me with her big, brown eyes and softly begs "more?" whenever there is a pause.

it's the sweetest moment of my every day.

tonight i sang to her some of my dad's favorite songs. some of the hymns that he sang from his hospital bed moments before he met jesus face to face. "oh how i love jesus, oh how i love jesus, oh how i love jesus, because he first loved me." i love being able to pass on dad's legacy of faith to my girls. and tonight, bella was mesmerized by these sweet, old words.

it made me think of the past two months and how they have been the hardest of my life. and yet, how the lord has never been so near. as i have shared so much of my journey on this blog, many people have thanked me for my openness. you have no idea what this has meant to me. thank you so very much for your sweet words, and for your encouragement to keep writing. it's so very healing to me to continue to talk about my dad, to document things that i remember and to never forget this man that has been so pivotal in me becoming who i am today.

i have not always been so open, so vulnerable, so authentic. in fact, i have struggled to allow others to see me in the ways which i am weak.

i was talking with a good friend of mine the other day. she is one of my best friends dating back to my high school days. we were talking about this very subject, and how both of us strive to share our struggles and our weaknesses on our blogs; not just the things that make us look like we have it all together.

this friend and i were reminiscing about a conversation we had shortly after high school. i was going through a rough time after a summer full of weddings and shared with her my struggle to be patient and content. i'll never forget her reaction. her eyes filled with tears as she told me that she had found herself many times thinking that my life was perfect because i never talked about struggling with anything.

and that hit me like a ton of bricks.

what a disservice i was doing myself. what a disservice i was doing those around me! god longed to use my brokenness, my struggles as a way for me to allow others to walk alongside of me... to experience love and encouragement from my friends. he also longed to use my vulnerability as a way for me to bless others. ever since that night, being authentic has been a goal of mine. i've seen the lord use my honesty about my own struggles in so many ways in my counseling career, ministry, friendships, and in my marriage. i totally credit that friend (and the lord) for being so honest with me and calling me out on such a flaw in my life.

it's not always easy. i'm not used to telling others "i'm struggling". i'm not used to asking those close to me for the things that i need. but it's in those moments of weakness that we find the greatest rewards. we are loved more fully, known more deeply and blessed more richly.

i was reminded of this passage the other morning and it struck a chord with me on this very idea of living life so raw and allowing others to see our hurt. it's in second corinthians where paul is talking about how he was given a "thorn in his flesh" (an unknown struggle) that served to keep him humble, and relying on god's power. he says:

"the lord said to me 'my grace is sufficient for you. for my power is made perfect in weakness.' therefore, i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that christ's power may rest on me. that is why, for christ's sake, i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. for when i am weak, then i am strong."
(2 Cor. 12:7-10)

this passage has always inspired me; but in the midst of my grief and pain it breathed life into me.

so i'm learning. i'm learning to not be afraid to tell other's i still struggle every single day with missing my dad. i'm learning to not feel like i need to make others comfortable when they talk to me; being honest about my grief may likely make some people uncomfortable. and that's okay. i'm learning to tell my husband when i just need a break; and allow him to serve me without feeling guilty. i'm learning to allow jesus to use this season of my life to draw me into his sweet presence and share with others what i am learning.

we all need that from each other. being genuine is perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give one another. someone told me a few years ago "at first, being vulnerable may feel like you're walking around without skin on". which is true. sometimes it hurts. sometimes it's painful. sometimes it's the scariest thing we could ever do. but god is faithful to put the skin back on.

he is faithful to redeem and restore. to heal and to save. for his strength is made *perfect* in our weakness. and that's good news.

before--or after--you say "i do" (part three).

here is part three of my three part series of an article i wrote on marriage. if you need parts one and two, read those first and then come back. it will make alot more sense that way!

not having those hard conversations

oftentimes in dating or marriage, we are afraid to deal with areas of potential conflict, so instead we resort to avoidance... a behavior that is fatal to the level of intimacy within a relationship. everyone has issues, struggles and things that we'd rather not have someone else see. every relationship deals with areas of conflict--whether how to squeeze toothpaste from the tube or working through communication differences--and it seems easier sometimes to just bottle in our anger rather than address it. we are oftentimes afraid to deal with these struggles or "hot button" issues so we don't share with our partner, and thus avoid bringing up these hard conversations altogether. we don't want to "upset the apple cart" so instead we choose to compromise our closeness as a couple.

when my husband, nick and i began dating, he suggested from the start that we share with one another our struggles and issues--whether past or current. though we were both nervous and scared to be so vulnerable, it helped establish a pattern for us early on... we were able to fall in love with each other for who we really were; not who we pretended to be. this didn't just start (or stop) when we met each other. we both had mentor figures in our lives that helped us see things that we may not otherwise see. they helped give us guidance, godly advice and provided wisdom and discernment for us before we even met one another. throughout our dating relationship, we had these relationships and sought advice from those around us to help keep us level-headed and clear minded amidst the brain-cloudiness that often happens when falling in love. by god's grace, we both got involved in a recovery ministry through my job on staff at a church and began recognizing even more not only our shortcomings and issues, but the root of them as well. we say over and over this was god's grace at work in our lives... we don't know where we would be had that not been such an integral foundation to our marriage! we are far from perfect; that goes without saying! god graciously allowed us to be engaged in dealing with our struggles, seeking accountability and allowing others to ask tough questions of our lives.

not only did our mentor relationships and the support around us open us up to the practice of having hard, vulnerable conversations, but it also helped us deal with our "junk" before dragging it with us into a marriage where it has the ability to hurt another person so deeply. we've had some pretty tough conversations throughout our dating relationship, engagement and marriage. we've both had to work through dealing with each other's sin and the things that make us insecure and afraid. these moments of truth can be scary. they can tempt me to retreat back into my desire for a cozy, comfortable marriage... however, i know that's not what i desire at all. we cannot possibly have complete oneness in marriage if we're not willing to go to the dark places with our spouse. the battlefields. intimacy will only happen to the level of which we are willing to be open and honest with ourselves and with one another.

for me there is great fear in having these conversations because it feels like i am exposed to my husband; walking around without my skin on. and that is scary. vulnerability is oftentimes something that causes most of us great fear. we all, on some level, have the need for security. and baring our soul to another person (or having them bare theirs to us) seems like we are being robbed of that sense of safety. however, learning to communicate through these hard issues will only result in a greater sense of security and trust within a marital relationship. this must first begin in the dating process. all too often, people sign on to marry someone that doesn't really exist; they marry who that person pretends to be--or who they desire that person to be--rather than the reality. this is when the most intimate of relationships is established on shaky ground. a couple must work even harder then to re-establish crumbled trust and security within the relationship.

opening up our wounds to one another also allows the beauty of the healing process to take place. shame and guilt are met with grace... this is where the gospel gets to live within a marriage. while it is a scary process, a marriage can be deepened as the result. more importantly, god is glorified as we allow his grace and love to transform us from the inside out. authors jim and sarah sumner have truly lived this out in their marriage. though they write honestly about their struggle to live the gospel out within their marriage, their example implores to live the deeper marital relationship god desires for us. jim (a former male stripper) met sarah (a seminary graduate and theologian) after he had first met christ at willow creek church just outside of chicago. their story is marked by the beauty of oneness and christ's restoration as we take ownership of our junk and ask him to help us live authentically with one another. jim writes this:

"whatever we had been fighting about may have started with a hot button, but it ended in rage. yet god was right there with us. because i had turned to god, and sarah had turned to god while i was away, both of us had gained a fresh willingness to take ownership of our stuff. time and again we have gone to god, rediscovering our need for his forgiveness. in all our pettiness from past pain, immaturity from 'hot buttons' and sin from marital fights, we have found forgiveness in the lord. because god has forgiven us in christ jesus, we can forgive each other. we are partners in forgiveness. that is how we managed our engagement, and that is how we live together now. our relationship isn't easy, but it's strong--because forgiveness is the method that enables us to venture through this humbling life as one flesh." (just how married do you want to be? p. 137)

their book begs an intriguing question... just how married do you want to be? now, or someday in the future? how deeply do you want to experience intimacy in your relationship? how far do you want to practice oneness and allow the gospel to live out in your marriage--current or future? it may be scary to open up to one another on such an authentic level, but it allows us to experience god's design for marriage: total reliance on him, allowing him to chisel us more into the image of his son, and practicing his grace and forgiveness with ourselves and with our spouse.

god's purpose for marriage is far different than our culture's; and far more rewarding. marriage is an amazing journey... good, hard, messy and beautiful. all rolled into one. god wants us to experience nothing less. we can be sharpening ourselves now--whether married or single--in these areas of our lives. dependency on the lord, making him our number one love and passion, developing an understanding of holiness vs. happiness and living in authenticity with ourselves and others. it's what god calls us to.

before--or after--you say "i do" (part two).

if you missed the first part, you can find it here. this is an article i wrote for a friend's blog a few years ago about three pitfalls in dating/marriage that can lead to hardship within the relationship. here's part two.

thinking marriage is about happiness

one of my favorite books on marriage is sacred marriage by gary thomas. it caught my eye once because of the tagline of the book which reads, "what if god designed marriage to make us holy rather than happy?" this sentence can singlehandedly revolutionize the way we look at marriage. i can't tell you how many women and couples i see in my office on a weekly basis, complaining about their marriages because they are just not "happy" anymore. this thought not only applies to our marriages, but it beckons us to look more deeply into the sole purpose of life. is it to make us happy? or does life exist so that we can make god happy? in his book, gary speaks to this thought as he writes:

"one of the reasons i am determined to keep my marriage together is not because doing so will make me happier (although i believe it will); not because i want my kids to have a secure home (although i do desire that); not because it would tear me up to watch my wife having to start over (although it would). the first reason i keep my marriage together is because it is my christian duty. if my life is based on proclaiming christ's message to the world, i don't want anything to challenge that message. and how can i proclaim reconciliation when i seek dissolution? this analogy of reconciliation does more than merely provide the purpose for our marriage. it also helps us live out this purpose 'even when lightening strikes'... if i'm married only for my happiness, and my happiness wanes for whatever reason, one little spark will burn the entire forest of my relationship." (sacred marriage, p. 37)

many people in their single phase of life buy into the lie that "if only i were married, i would be happy". i certainly fell victim to this thought from time to time. this is when marriage begins to be elevated in one's life as the source of ultimate happiness. sure, marriage brings about so many wonderful blessings; with that, it also brings about a different set of trials, a different set of difficulties. this is where the "becoming holy" process begins. just two months into our marriage, my husband and i had a fairly severe falling out with some family and it impacted us greatly. being newly married, we were still trying to adjust to this new life and now this conflict was looming over us. it felt as though we were dragging a huge cinder block behind us in the months that followed. it was heavy and exhausting. i remember sitting on the couch one day, both of us in tears, as i told my husband i just wanted us to be able to enjoy being newlyweds. i wanted that bliss, that giddiness, that chance to just sail through life for a while, enjoying the benefits of marriage that were still new and exciting. instead, the lord allowed this huge hardship to slap us in the face so early on. i was angry. it just didn't seem fair.

being on the other side of this conflict now, and seeing how god used it in our marriage, however painful it was, i wouldn't trade that time in our life together for anything in the world. the lord used it to remind me that his desires for my marriage with my husband are so much greater than mine. i thought i wanted a blissful, easy, smooth, happy marriage, but i know that my heart longs for something so much deeper. i long for passion, for a profound sense of connection with my husband that comes as the result of working through conflict and hardship. not only that; but god longs for something deeper in my marriage as well. he longs to make me more like him.

don't give in to our culture's lie that finding love will make you happy; that marriage is all about our comfort, our satisfaction, our fulfillment. i believe it's important for us to develop a healthy sense of marriage while we are still single... not only that, but developing a healthy view of life in general. it's not about our happiness. it's about our holiness.

**part 3 coming soon...

before--or after--you say "i do" (part one).

one thing i'm passionate about (if you haven't figured this out already) is improving marriages in our society. i wrote this article a few years ago when i was working as a counselor on staff at irving bible church. it was for a friend of ours who asked me to create something for his blog and a series he was doing on singleness, dating and marriage. robert asked me to write on three things i thought contributed to hardship in marriage. whether you are single, dating or married i think it's important to challenge ourselves in this area. we can (and should) always be improving ourselves, which in turn, will improve our relationships.

with valentine's day around the corner, i decided to dig out this article and post it in a three part series on my blog. it challenges me to stay proactive in my marriage and i hope that it may encourage and challenge you--whether single or married--to live out what jesus calls us to.

part one.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------as we look around it is impossible to deny the state of marriage today in our society.

divorces are happening at an alarming rate, our society tells us if we're not "happy" to jump ship, and mainstream media seemingly applauds adultery presenting it as a glamorous option within marriage. it would be highly negligent of us as a Church not to examine the cracks in the sanctity of marriage within our culture to see what is at the root of its brokenness. as i have met with countless men and women as a pastoral counselor, i have seen several patterns contributing to such pitfalls within marriage. i'd like to outline three of them in this article--three ways to increase the likelihood of conflict and hardship within your marriage... current or future.

making marriage your everything

this pitfall establishes itself early on... well before marriage in most cases. our hearts begin to long for the love of a person who will live life with us. this desire in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing; however, it can become very harmful if marriage is set as "life's biggest goal". before we know it, we've begun putting our life on hold until "the one" comes and sweeps us off our feet. this is where the danger begins. when this poor person does come, unbeknownst to them, they have all the pressure of the world on their shoulders because we have made them our everything...the fulfillment of all of our dreams, our satisfaction, our first love, our main goal in life.

can you see the danger here? i remember struggling with this so much at times during my singleness. i wanted so badly to have that companion, that best friend, that man i was going to do life with. i had ten... yes, ten... bridesmaids dresses hanging in my closet, one of them i wore in my sister's wedding who is almost four years younger than me. i remember it being a struggle to fully live and enjoy those years being single. and now, as hard and lonely as they were at times, i have moments of missing them because they were some of the sweetest years of my life.

jesus found me in that season and helped me see that it was HIM and me doing life together. i remember my dad telling me "megan, even after you get married, it's always going to be you and jesus." if the lord did have marriage for me, i wanted my husband to be attracted to me because of the way i was running after jesus and making him my life... because that's what i wanted to do together in our marriage.

i have also seen married couples who make marriage their everything and at some point in their journey together, they're bound to be sorely disappointed. god made us for relationship. and that doesn't mean just with our spouse; it means with his people--single, married, old and young. period. once couples return from their honeymoon, there is a temptation to shut others out and just enjoy each other. while this definitely needs to happen at times to grow and enrich a martial relationship, there is so much joy that takes place in reaching out to others, getting involved in ministry, having alone time and time with individual friends (girl time/guy time) that is essential for a healthy, happy marriage. in their book just how married do you want to be?, authors jim and sarah sumner touch on the importance of living in community as a married couple:

"every christian couple needs to be in christian community. couples who get along well need it every bit as much as couples who argue and fight. being active in christ's body is part of what it means to love the church's head, christ jesus. authentic christian community is interpersonal. being in it is not the same as merely attending church. to be in christian community is to be relationally connected with other people who are connected to jesus christ." (just how married do you want to be? p. 156)

this again, is a pattern that begins in a dating relationship; before one even enters marriage. if you're dating, make sure to surround your relationship with community. not only will this help establish a sense of accountability for both you and your partner, but it will also keep your sole focus and attention off of each other and help remind you both that there is a world that exists outside your dating relationship! stay grounded in your church community, in your friendships. don't center your entire life around your romantic relationship. this will only assist in creating a pattern of unhealthiness in your relationship. make sure you're spending time apart and enjoying your own individual friendships, ministries and activities. if you're expecting your spouse to be your everything, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and you're guaranteed to cause your spouse undue frustration. that is *not* the way god designed marriage to be. he wants to be our number one love, passion and desire. no one and nothing else is designed to fulfill that position in our lives, including our spouse.

when my husband and i were first falling in love, he always made a point to tell me that i was his "second love." he told me that i will never be his first, nor should he ever be mine. i found myself getting annoyed when he would tell me that; it sounded so abrasive to me! now, i'm so thankful that my husband reminds me of that because it reminds me of my place in his life, and where his place in mine should be. this order was not instituted after we walked down the aisle; it was established in each of our lives long before we met one another. this only helped us keep god where he needs to be--as number one; not only in our individual lives, but in our life together.

**stay tuned for parts 2 and 3...

my new gig.

that's right. i have a new gig. and i kind of like it. okay... i REALLY like it. but let me start way back at the beginning...

i love how god works in our lives. i love when his plans are SO clearly shown that we have no doubt that it is his hand at work, guiding our every step. even when times are scary. even when we doubt and fear and don't know how it all makes sense. we can cling to the times that we felt him SO near... speaking to us SO clearly.

nick and i started praying about starting a family last august. he got all giddy one night and said he wanted us to start trying. we decided to start praying about "pulling the ole goalie". the next day, we began seeing the name "bella" everywhere. in magazines. on the side of trucks. on tv as a commercial for hardwood floors (no, we did not name our daughter after bellawood floors... thank you, bob vila. and let me just take this opportunity to say that we DID NOT name our daughter after any books or movies regarding vampires, either). this may not seem like a big deal to you who are reading this post, but to us it was god talking. we had talked about naming our daughter bella if we ever had one some day... so the fact that it was popping up everywhere seemed as though god was hinting at something...

to make a long story short, a month later (give or take) i read the words on a stick that would forever change my life: pregnant. (!!!!!!)

i had just started working pursuing my texas licensed professional counseling license and was working five days a week between seeing clients at a private practice, working two ten hour days as an administrative assistant for the same practice, and doing some contract work performing psych evals at a health clinic in dallas. i was committed to still pursuing what i felt like god had in store for me, but balancing being a mom at the same time. we had bella all signed up for a daycare at first baptist dallas, where nick is a school teacher, and she was going to go with him three days a week and still get to be with me the other two. i had always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom, but this mom/career balance seemed like it was what god had in store. it was a great plan. we thought it was the PERFECT plan. enter: god.

the closer i got to my due date, i started praying that the lord would allow me as much time with my daughter as possible. however that were to work out, i just wanted to get time with her even with my career pursuit. i even prayed "okay, god... this is what nick and i have set up... if this isn't what you have for our family, have something fall through... close a door." well, he did. as i wrote about on an earlier post, the daycare called nick a month after bel was born and informed us that they were closing.

door officially closed. slammed shut, actually.

after many prayers, scrambling to try to figure out what our options were next, my heart was being pulled day after day by sweet little smiles, bright squinty eyes and craaaaazy hair. i felt like god was answering my prayer... of course in a different way than i thought he would... but i was going to get to spend A LOT more time with little bella grace. nick and i both knew that god was leading us to have me stay at home.

sometimes it's scary... okay, most of the time it's scary... as we try to cut down on our budget, get rid of access, simplify our life and depend on the lord's faithful provision for our family. but we can see little glimpses of this god who operates on faith... not on fear. we're learning more--so much more--about who he is and how to TRUST.

so... now i am officially a stay-at-home-mama. i finished up with my wonderful clients this last weekend. it was bittersweet, to say the least. but there's something about being right where you know god has you that makes everything a little less scary (a little less scary sometimes!) so now i read childrens books that are kind of annoying, honestly, but cute at the same time... ESPECIALLY when i read them to her. it's a good day if i get a shower in but when i do i can peek out the curtain at a smiling little munchkin flailing away in her bouncer seat. i don't get to drink my morning coffee until about 11:30 when she's down for her afternoon nap, but my morning before that is filled with singing, playing, rocking and cuddling. i take her to other homes a few days a week so i can make some added income for our family by watching their children and still getting to be with her. we're kind of like the traveling mary poppins duo. except i don't have the carpet bag... nor can i fly. that would be nice.

so this is my new gig. and there is NO PLACE i'd rather be. i'm learning there is no "plan b" with god... he knows right from the start what is going to happen. nothing is a surprise to him and nothing throws him for a loop. he knows the desires of our hearts better than we even do... and is faithful--sooo faithful--to give them to us.

bella's name (bella grace: beautiful grace) is a constant reminder to me... god's beautiful grace has gone before us and will continue to as we follow him on the path he has us on.