before--or after--you say "i do" (part two).

if you missed the first part, you can find it here. this is an article i wrote for a friend's blog a few years ago about three pitfalls in dating/marriage that can lead to hardship within the relationship. here's part two.

thinking marriage is about happiness

one of my favorite books on marriage is sacred marriage by gary thomas. it caught my eye once because of the tagline of the book which reads, "what if god designed marriage to make us holy rather than happy?" this sentence can singlehandedly revolutionize the way we look at marriage. i can't tell you how many women and couples i see in my office on a weekly basis, complaining about their marriages because they are just not "happy" anymore. this thought not only applies to our marriages, but it beckons us to look more deeply into the sole purpose of life. is it to make us happy? or does life exist so that we can make god happy? in his book, gary speaks to this thought as he writes:

"one of the reasons i am determined to keep my marriage together is not because doing so will make me happier (although i believe it will); not because i want my kids to have a secure home (although i do desire that); not because it would tear me up to watch my wife having to start over (although it would). the first reason i keep my marriage together is because it is my christian duty. if my life is based on proclaiming christ's message to the world, i don't want anything to challenge that message. and how can i proclaim reconciliation when i seek dissolution? this analogy of reconciliation does more than merely provide the purpose for our marriage. it also helps us live out this purpose 'even when lightening strikes'... if i'm married only for my happiness, and my happiness wanes for whatever reason, one little spark will burn the entire forest of my relationship." (sacred marriage, p. 37)

many people in their single phase of life buy into the lie that "if only i were married, i would be happy". i certainly fell victim to this thought from time to time. this is when marriage begins to be elevated in one's life as the source of ultimate happiness. sure, marriage brings about so many wonderful blessings; with that, it also brings about a different set of trials, a different set of difficulties. this is where the "becoming holy" process begins. just two months into our marriage, my husband and i had a fairly severe falling out with some family and it impacted us greatly. being newly married, we were still trying to adjust to this new life and now this conflict was looming over us. it felt as though we were dragging a huge cinder block behind us in the months that followed. it was heavy and exhausting. i remember sitting on the couch one day, both of us in tears, as i told my husband i just wanted us to be able to enjoy being newlyweds. i wanted that bliss, that giddiness, that chance to just sail through life for a while, enjoying the benefits of marriage that were still new and exciting. instead, the lord allowed this huge hardship to slap us in the face so early on. i was angry. it just didn't seem fair.

being on the other side of this conflict now, and seeing how god used it in our marriage, however painful it was, i wouldn't trade that time in our life together for anything in the world. the lord used it to remind me that his desires for my marriage with my husband are so much greater than mine. i thought i wanted a blissful, easy, smooth, happy marriage, but i know that my heart longs for something so much deeper. i long for passion, for a profound sense of connection with my husband that comes as the result of working through conflict and hardship. not only that; but god longs for something deeper in my marriage as well. he longs to make me more like him.

don't give in to our culture's lie that finding love will make you happy; that marriage is all about our comfort, our satisfaction, our fulfillment. i believe it's important for us to develop a healthy sense of marriage while we are still single... not only that, but developing a healthy view of life in general. it's not about our happiness. it's about our holiness.

**part 3 coming soon...