hope.

we are in the midst of the christmas season, and yet i am heartbroken.  saddened.  sickened by what happened in that elementary school last friday.  it's like a constant weight... a cloud over my thoughts.  i've been struggling to grasp it all; unwilling to accept that this is the evil world in which we live.  in which we are raising our babies in.

as a mama, and also the wife of a school teacher and a school counselor myself, it's certain that the events of last week have spun my fear and anxiety into action.  it's easy to let my thoughts race and my imagination go to unthinkable places, and i've had to guard against becoming victim to those dark corners in my mind.  

still, those thoughts are very present.  

i can't help but notice that others are feeling and experiencing the same reactions.  heartbroken for those families, saddened for the town, and deeply fearful that it will happen again.

to help guard my thoughts and mind against paralyzing fear, i've been trying to counteract my anxiety with truth.  the truth is, not everyone in this world is evil.  in fact, the very same day that shooter took the lives of innocent precious ones, several staff people gathered at my school and spent the day wrapping gifts for some of our students who are in need.  it was honestly my favorite day of being on staff at my little elementary school.  we filled giant bags to the brim of wrapped gifts for about twenty families in our school.  the gifts were all bought by staff people, and their families and friends.  time and money generously given up.  sacrifice in order to bless others.

kindness still exists.  

our security may be shaken, but it has never (or should never) rest in man.  our security rests in the hope of jesus' return.

my father and i sang this old christmas hymn as a duet on a couple different occassions in church during the christmas season when i was growing up.  i can still hear his strong, bass voice belting out the words, and it gives me great comfort.  he no longer has to wait for jesus' return; he is already sitting at his feet.  rocking and singing in the ears of a few of those sweet students, no doubt.  having that picture in my mind brings tears to my eyes.

"come, thou long expected jesus,

born to set thy people free;

from our fears and sins release us,

let us find our rest in thee.

israel's strength and consolation,

hope of all the earth thou art;

dear desire of every nation,

joy of every longing heart.

born thy people to deliver,

born a child and yet a king.

born to reign in us forever,

now thy gracious kingdom bring.

by thine own eternal spirit

rule in all our hearts alone;

by thine all sufficient merit,

raise us to they glorious throne."

(come, thou long-expected jesus)

take care of yourself today.  guard your heart and your mind; counteract your fear with truth.  do something kind for someone else.  hug your loved ones.  say "i love you".  make memories.  count your blessings.  and remember that darkness will not win; jesus has overcome the world.  and he is our hope and peace.

*note: for those of you struggling to reconcile these words, god, and the newtown tragedy, please give this article a read.  i've battled for years the complicated balance of god's sovereignty and man's freedom to choose.  i don't think i'll ever fully understand it, but this article so eloquently expresses everything i've been unable to put into words.  

don't worry about anything...

 i'm pretty sure this verse in the fourth chapter of phillipians was written for me.  and other mamas out there who worry endlessly about their little one(s).  or big ones.  because i've heard a mama never stops worrying.

awesome.

anyone who knows me knows that i am a worrier.  big time.  sometimes i sit with nick and tell him all of the things that i'm worried about.  you should see the look on his face.  one time he told me "i really feel bad for you that you live like this."  i was shocked.  i am as equally flabbergasted by the fact that he doesn't fret about all of the things that i find so worrisome as he is about my always-racing-fearful-thoughts.

one of the many reasons we make a good pair.

my sweet bella grace has given me reason to worry from the time she was in my womb.  at our 20 week sonogram, we were over-the-moon excited to finally find out the gender of this baby that had taken over my belly.  before we heard the words "it's a girl!" our doctor informed us that bella's hearbeat had an irregularity and we would have to get it checked out further.  i remember leaving the appointment, getting into the elevator and resting my head on nick's shoulder, tears tumbling down my face.  to most people, it probably didn't seem all that uncommon... but to us, it was incredibly scary.  you see, nick's brother passed away when he was two years old due to heart complications.  to say we were scared would be an understatement.

we were terrified.

thankfully, everything turned out to be just fine with little bella.  her heartbeat corrected itself within days and she was born perfectly healthy.  but god used that scary time to teach me from the very beginning that my daughter is not my own.  and i will spend the rest of my life turning both of my girls over to his almighty hands.

i've known this sweet girl for two years now and she absolutely has my heart.  she can be a complete turkey, i promise you, but she is one of the greatest joys of my life.  and when she hurts, i hurt.  bella has *horrible* eczema.  it gets really, really bad.  and it makes her susceptible to all kinds of infections and sicknesses.  totally not fun.  this summer she has had impetigo, a yeast infection, a weird virus (rash, high fever, vomitting) and pulled her arm out of it's socket (on a day trip to the coast... complete with a visit to the emergency room and everything).

i'm constantly resisting the urge to google (which makes nick go crazy... a few weeks ago i thought she had meningitis and a week later i was afraid she was diabetic) or to let my thoughts start trailing too badly, or else i can end up a mess.  is there another reason her immune system is weak?  what if the eczema doesn't go away?  what if kids make fun of her in school because of it?  what if she catches something reallllly bad?  and on and on it goes.

so at night, after i put them to bed, i pray over them and ask god to help me to trust them to his care.  i can't do it on my own.  i want to hold on to them so badly, to protect them from anything and everything that could cause them any pain.  but i know i can't.  and i need him to help me continually turn my precious girls over to his almighty hands.  he is much more capable than i.  and his plans for them will use whatever pain they endure and weave it into a beautiful masterpiece that only he could create.

and that is what i want more than anything for my daughters.

so.  don't worry.  trust god.  learn to let go.  and last but not least, don't use google as a diagnostic tool.  these are the things that i am learning.

lord, help me not to hover.  help me trust these girls--these little ones that have my heart--to your sovereign care.  help me to live more freely, not bound by worry, but rather trusting in the plans you have for them and that you are writing for each of them a beautiful story; for you are good.

yes, virginia, there is...

in 1897, a young girl living on manhattan's upper west side, asked her father a popular question for children her age: is there really a santa claus? her father encouraged her to write to new york city's prominent paper, the sun, to find her answer. the response was a famous one in which the writer answered "yes, virginia, there is a santa claus." this charming tale is one that lives on, centuries past it's time, finding its way into the heart of american folklore at christmastime.

now, since we're all adults here it's safe to say that this is a sweet little story that tells of childhood belief and the wonder of christmas. but i've been pondering this concept as of late, as i try to put into words the journey that i've been taken on in terms of my faith and my walk with the lord.

(no, i'm not at all comparing god to santa claus. jesus to st. nick. faith in the living, true god to a belief in a fat man in a red suit. that was just a way of getting your attention. read on, my friends... read on).

one of the most powerful things i've heard in my journey with jesus is this: faith and doubt are not mutually exclusive. you can have faith and have doubt. in fact, sometimes it's the doubt that sharpens our faith. if we're too afraid to doubt, then we won't ask ourselves the tough questions. if we don't risk delving further to our relationship with god, then we won't reap the rewards and blessings that come with the richness of struggle. of questioning. of doubt.

yes, i said doubt.

i won't pretend that my whole life i have always been one hundred percent convinced that there is a god who is intimately involved in every detail of my life whom i will meet again in heaven for all of eternity. there have been times in my thirty years of living that i have questioned this (i know, what a shocker). i've sat back, analyzed and wrestled with many things. things happening in my own life, events taking place in the lives of others... friends, family, clients i have counseled. it's a tough thing to deal with disaster, calamity and tragedy and try to figure out what role a loving god plays in all of these things.

especially when those things happen to you.

that is when faith is tested. when the rubber meets the road. when one questions "is there a god? is all of what i've grown up learning and hearing about really true?" or at least i did.

it's easy to believe in god when life is sunshine and butterflies. when things are going swimmingly. it's another thing to believe in his intimate innerworkings in every detail of your life when those details are the ones that bring you enormous amounts of pain. but this... this is when it becomes real. when faith and belief take root. where hope is born. and in my own life, this is where god has revealed himself to me more than ever. and i am more convinced than any other time in my life that god is who he says he is, and that he has the power to do as he has promised.

you see, i've spent much of my life living in fear of the "what ifs". as i've written about before, many of these anxiety-inducing scenarios revolved around one thing: losing someone i loved. the fear crippled me. it robbed me of so much joy. it drove a wedge into my relationship with the lord, and my ability to trust him with the things i held most precious to me. why? because i couldn't imagine a loving god who could possibly allow my greatest fears to come true. and they came true seven years ago when my father was diagnosed with a terminal disease... and they were realized a few minutes before midnight on the eve of thanksgiving this year when i lost him.

for years i wrestled so much with the concept of a loving god allowing his children to suffer. why doesn't he always heal our loved ones? why doesn't he always stop tragedy from striking? why doesn't he always allow our desires to be met, our dreams to be fulfilled, our life to go along as we planned or hoped? after much analyzing, wrestling and living my own nightmare of loss and grief... i've come to realize this: we live in a broken world. no one can deny that. even if you don't believe in god, you can't look around you without seeing a world full of chaos, evil and pain. it's obvious. this world is not perfect because it is not the end. it is not our home. we were made for something greater. an eternity spent with jesus. our hearts long for something better... and this earth--this life--is not it.

while god doesn't stop this world from being broken... while he hasn't healed it or redeemed it just yet... things happen. crappy things. things that leave us aching, tearful and desperate. but it doesn't stop there. jeremiah 29:11-13 was one of my dad's favorite scripture passages, and mine as well. in it's verses, god tells us "for i know the plans i have for you, declares the lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you. plans to give you and HOPE and a future. then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and i will listen to you. you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

and you know what? i've experienced this. in the times my heart feels crushed with loneliness and sadness, i feel him there. i feel jesus holding me, whispering his words of peace and comfort, blanketing me with his tender mercy. i have felt bathed in his unfailing grace. i feel hope. in something greater than my circumstances. i can laugh and smile. i can find joy in the midst of my sorrow. and that, my friends, is why i know god is real. why i know more than ever that my jesus loves me, that he cares for me and that he comes to bring LIFE. life abundant.

as i was driving home tonight, the song we had playing during a slideshow at dad's memorial service came on the radio. previously fine, i suddenly melted into a puddle of tears. funny how that happens. tears from missing my dad. from the huge, gaping hole in my life that will never be filled again. from loss, from pain. but also from the beauty of these words (you can listen here):

"there's a peace i've come to know
though my heart and flesh may fail
there's an anchor for my soul
i can say 'it is well'

jesus has overcome
and the grave is overwhelmed
the victory is won
he is risen from the dead

and i will rise when he calls my name
no more sorrow, no more pain
i will rise on eagle's wings
before my god, fall on my knees
and rise, i will rise

there's a day that's drawing near
when this darkness breaks to light
and the shadows disappear
and my faith shall be my eyes

jesus has overcome
and the grave is overwhelmed
the victory is won
he is risen from the dead

and i hear the voice of many angels sing
'worthy is the lamb'
and i hear the cry of every longing heart
'worthy is the lamb'

and i will rise."

this christmas was special, although it was very hard. i continually have to give myself permission to say that it's hard... i know i don't always have to be strong, although it's tempting to try to appear that way. so why was it special? because i was reminded anew of the *hope* of what's to come. the hope that was born in that stable so many years ago.

so this is where my doubt, my wrestling, my questions have lead me. it's not about god not stopping these horrible things from happening to us; it's about his love and grace that is displayed in the midst of the darkest seasons of our lives that convinces me of his existence and of his power. i am not only fully persuaded in the mere existence of god, but in his personal involvement and care in every detail of my life. he knows every tear that i cry. every pang of loneliness. every memory that generates feelings of loss and sadness. he knows it all. and holds me in his everlasting grasp.

"for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

(2 corinthians 4:17-18)

blessings.

i heard this song for the first time last spring and i immediately fell in love with the words. my heart often finds itself in a tug-of-war between wanting a perfect, comfortable life and yet wanting the deep peace that often results from going through the trials of life. knowing trials will come (or finding myself in the midst of one) causes me to react in fear, trying to protect and prepare my heart. and yet i long to peacefully rest in faith and trust of my loving savior. phew. such a battle for me some days.

that's why this song ministers to my heart every time i hear it. and often causes the tears to flow. it's words are just so powerful and speak to the deeper longings of my heart.

"we pray for blessings,

we pray for peace

comfort for family, protection while we sleep.

we pray for healing, for prosperity

we pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering

and all along you hear each spoken need

yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

what if your healing comes through tears

what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near

what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise.

we pray for wisdom,

your voice to hear

we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.

we doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

as if every promise from your word was not enough.

and all along you hear each desperate plea

and long that we'd have faith to believe

'cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

what if your healing comes through tears

what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near

what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise.

when friends betray us

when darkness seems to win

we know that pain reminds this heart

that this is not, this is not our home.

'cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

what if your healing comes through tears

what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near

what if my greatest disappointments

or the aching of this life

is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy.

and what if trials of this life

the rain, the storms, the hardest nights

are your mercies in disguise."

whatever you may be facing or fearing today... may these words bless your heart as they have blessed mine.

a mind of peace.

i'm sitting here this morning, in a rocking chair on my parents front porch. all around me, the notes of bird songs float through the still, blue skies. the sun is shining and there is a touch of chill in the morning air.

{ahhhhh}

in this anxiety-driven world, we are in need of peace. where our minds are quiet, our hearts are still... we feel no fear but instead fully surrendered. fully trusting.

i have always struggled with this.

last week, i wrote about how my husband and i met, and how god beautifully scripted our love story in a way that only he is perfect in doing. i also mentioned that god used that season of my life as another chapter--a pivotal one--in the love story continually unfolding between me and my sweet jesus.

when nick&i began talking about marriage, and i realized that i was completely head-over-heels for this man that had come into my life, panic set in. panic because i knew that god was asking me to fully surrender this relationship to him. panic that if i did, he would take it away. panic that i had no control over what was to come. panic that i was completely vulnerable... and therefore, completely open to experience hurt and pain.

and

what

if

loss?

you see, i have always been paralyzed with fear at the thought of losing someone i love. from the time i was a little girl, it has been my worst fear. fast forward twenty-three years. i had just moved to dallas, texas and found myself in a new city, trying to manage the demands of seminary and figuring out what my new life minus-any-of-my-friends-and-family was going to look like. that christmas, my father, who was my rock and my constant encourager, was diagnosed with a rare liver disease that will eventually lead to cirrhosis of the liver.

panic.

i don't think you ever go back to how life was before traumatic events shatter your reality. life can be richer, deeper and more beautiful, but the simplicity and perhaps the naivety that once protected your soul is gone. never to return. i'm still dealing with that. although i do desire to grow into a stronger woman and passionately pursue the heart of jesus, which i know doesn't happen through the easy circumstances of life. and yet sometimes i want to live in a bubble. the bubble of comfort, ease and safety.

since living life with open hands and surrendering those i love to the lord was already an anxiety-evoking-event in my life... imagine what it became after my dad's diagnosis. especially when nick cornwell entered the picture. my mind began racing, driven by fear and worry... always anticipating the worst; the "what ifs". that summer, before our engagement, i spiraled into the darkest season of my life. anxiety. depression.

i remember not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. life felt hopeless. i began living in my fears as if they were reality. everything was dark; even on the sunniest of days. my stomach was always a tangle of nerves and i could barely eat anything without feeling nauseous. i think i lost close to twenty pounds.

hopeless. fearful. anxiety-ridden.

in that pit, even reading my bible made me more anxious because i didn't trust god. my fear was telling me not to, because he had failed me with not healing my father. i didn't fully understand who he was... my view of him lead me to believe that he would cause all of my worst fears to come true so that i would become a "better christian". i didn't understand how much he loved me... and how he wanted me to rest in that love. all i could do was pray and listen to worship music to find even a semblance of the peace i so desperately longed for.

but god showed up.

the tears are flowing as i recall this season of my life because god so vividly showed up. he rescued me and delivered me through his faithfulness and love for me. i remember hearing his still voice constantly telling me to "cease striving" (which i know was him because who uses that phrase?! i certainly didn't). he lead me to two specific passages that i clung to for hope:

psalm 46:10 "be STILL and know that i am god"

and ephesians 3:17-20 which he used to reveal his unending love for me:

"...and i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of god. now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work within us."

in that dark, dark season of my life, jesus brought light. he gently showed me just how much he loved me so that i could rest in him... so that i could trust him; even with my hugest fears. he worked in ways that made his leading unmistakable so that i could see him and sense him even through the hopelessness that clouded my sight.

and i am forever changed because he loved me enough to be there, and speak in ways that were intimate whispers that only he&i knew.

living life with open hands is something i continue to struggle with, and probably always will. the first year we were married, every morning when nick left for work, fear formed in my stomach. fear that he would get in an accident and never come home. fear that i just kissed him for the last time. morbid, i know. but i would lie there in bed, heart paralyzed.

good thing god's grace is sufficient.

he's been continually restoring my heart and my mind. again... he is faithful. i still have my moments. when i look in on bella at night before i go to bed. when i watch the gentle rise-and-fall of her chest, feel her tiny hand grasp my finger, bury my face in the softness of her hair... my heart shatters for an instant at the thought of losing her. it's an everyday battle to give my loved ones over the hands of jesus and rest in his love for me... his plan perfectly unfolding in my life and knowing that he will be faithful to complete it.

{DISCLAIMER: i would be highly negligent to suggest that this journey of mine through depression and anxiety was healed completely through the bible, prayer and jesus. on the contrary! i also had the help of an *amazing* counselor and some equally-amazing-antidepressants. as a christian who is also an almost-licensed-counselor, this is something i'm very passionate about and want to make sure i am communicating that medication + therapy are oftentimes necessary components to help in the healing process!}

i read this quote on a blog i stumbled across last week that divinely ministered to my heart. another mama talking about her journey in this. i love it when i know i'm not alone.

"When a woman has a kingdom heart, she has an active understanding of what matters most to the heart of God. She lives in the balance of passion and contentment. She learns to love well, give without regard to self, and forgive without hesitation. The woman with a kingdom heart may have a duffel bag full of possessions or enough treasures to fill a mansion, but she has learned to hold them with an open hand. Hold everything with open hands. I don't think we are ever allowed to grab hold of anything or anyone as though they matter more than the kingdom of heaven. When you hold relationships with open hands, then people come in and out of your life as gifts of grace to be cherished and enjoyed, not objects to be owned and manipulated. And then when you hold your dreams with open hands, you get to watch God resurrect what seemed dead and multiply what seemed small."

amen.

better than a sparrow.

tonight bel&i got some precious girl time. nick had a game out of town, so we came home and got to hang out... just the two of us.

she has this praise&worship dvd that i *love* watching with her. i got her in her jammies and we sat in the recliner and rocked as we watched it together. it's amazing how many times god has tugged at my heart while reading bella stories out of her "baby bible" or in watching these baby videos... god works in mysterious ways.

this song brought tears to my eyes tonight:

"this is my father's world, and to my listening ears

all nature sings and round me rings

the music of the spheres.

this is my father's world i rest me in the thought

of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;

his hand the wonders wrought.

this is my father's world.

o let me ne'er forget

that though the wrong seems oft so strong

god is the ruler yet.

this is my father's world:

the battle is not done

jesus, who died shall be satisfied

and earth and heaven be one."

love. it.

it makes me think of the passage in matthew (10:29-31) that outlines god's love for us: "are not two sparrows sold for a penny? yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your father. and even the very hairs on your head are all numbered. so don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

as i take in the world around me... especially now through the eyes of my daughter... i am struck so often with the majesty of it's creator. and even more so, the fact that the creator of this world and all it's intricacies is the holder of my heart.

{let that soak in for a moment}.

i love reading psalm 8 where david is thinking these very thoughts. he says: "when i consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?" (v. 3,4)

jesus, may i see more of you--your power, your love, your indescribable beauty--in the world around me. in bella's laugh and twinkling eyes. in the quiet stillness of the night air. in the sun bringing it's glistening warmth. in the barren, old fingers of dark, gnarly trees and the white blossoms of spring signaling new life.

this is my father's world. and he intimately cares for everything in it... even the sparrows. and i mean far more to him than they.

(i couldn't resist: how could i write this blog with the word sparrow in the title and not think about "his eye is on the sparrow" from sister act 2... i know, i know so old but it still gives me goosebumps every time. enjoy.)

jesus loves me, this i know.

"for god so loved the world, he gave his one and only son that whoever believe in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." (john 3:16)

a couple of months ago, nick and i sat in complete shock and horror as we watched a secular newsreporter interview the people of westboro baptist church for a television documentary. we. were. stunned.

stunned.

even now as i think about this church and what it stands for, my stomach feels sick. we sat, staring at the television, as we watched the church's parishoners excitedly (yes, excitedly) tell someone that they were going to hell because "god hated them." i'm sure you've heard of them by now, but this church is so full of hate and twistedness that they protest fallen soldiers funerals, mocking their grieving families.

how does the gospel and love and grace of jesus become so twisted? and how can people believe such hate and ignorance as truth?

i am embarrassed that these people call themselves a "church".

{note to anyone who is completely turned off to god because of church-goers like these: this is NOT jesus. this is corrupted, sinful man. this is NOT the gospel. this is human ignorance and deception. this is NOT truth. this is absolute-perversion-of-the-truth}

thank goodness jesus is NOT the church. the church is made up of people. sure, people striving to be more like christ. but still, people, nonetheless. and people will always let us down.

now, allow me a few seconds to get my thoughts together and my blood to cool from it's boiling point...

okay. i think i'm ready.

as much as this congregation of people angers me, and as much as i *completely* and wholeheartedly (notice my enthusiasm as i state this!) disagree and abhor what they are saying and what they stand for, i pray that i can have compassion on these people. clearly, they are lost. they have chosen to believe lies instead of truth. and how often do i become prey to the same trap?

the past couple of weeks i have been struggling with fear. thank goodness i now know how to better work through my fear then i did a few years ago so that it doesn't completely overtake me (thanks to god's healing work on my heart and a wonderful counselor)... but i have moments where i slip back into a fearful mindset. it usually happens around the new year, as i anticipate what the next 12 months will hold. i think too much. i try to prepare myself for whatever *may* be around the corner. and sometimes i just need to trust. and trust is where it gets tricky for me. that's where the fear sets in.

{you're thinking to yourself right about now... and this girl used to get paid to counsel other people??! yes i did... and i'm a big believer in knowing your brokenness and allowing god to use you... not in spite of, but sometimes because of}

as i spent some quiet time with god this morning while bella was still sleeping, i talked to him about all the lies that are in my head. because when i believe the lies, i give into my fears. lies that i can't really trust god. lies that he doesn't really have good plans in store for my future. lies that if i trust him with the unknown future, the bottom will somehow fall out.

does this sound like the god of the bible?? the god who "LOVES me with an everlasting love and draws me in with loving-kindness" (jer 31:3). the god who says "you are precious and honored in my sight and i love you" (is. 43:4). the god who delights in me (zeph 3:17), knows every hair that is on my head (luke 12:7), formed me in my mothers womb and ordained all of my days (psalm 139) and satisfies my desires with good things (psalm 103:5)?

no, sometimes my god sounds much more like the god of the westboro baptist church. and i know that's not god at all.

i know i need to continually cling to scripture to remind myself of the TRUTH of who god is. my god does not hate, he loves. he does not destroy, he redeems. today i have been *overwhelmed* with love for my pudgy little daughter. this morning i stood in the kitchen while i was getting her bottle ready, tears in my eyes as i watched her sitting on the floor, playing with her toys and babbling to herself. every few seconds, she'd turn around to gaze at me just to make sure i was still there. laughter would dance in her eyes, and her face broke out in the sweetest smile just to know that i was there... i hadn't left her, i was going to feed her, take care of her, love on her, and provide for her. all day god has been saying to me: "this love you have for your daughter? it's only a fraction of the love i have for you."

if i remember god in that way, it's much easier to trust. of course i would be scared to trust a god who hates, a god who is full of only wrath, a god who doesn't care about me or my fragile heart?

i leave you with the sweetest picture. i just checked on bella, sleeping in her crib and i took this. it's a reminder to me of how peacefully she sleeps, knowing she is loved... trusting that she is being provided for...

...and this is how i can rest in my heavenly father; fully knowing that he is a god who LOVES; for the bible tells me so.

"for i know the plans i have for you, declares the lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. then you will call upon me, and come and pray to me. you will seek me and find me when you seek me will all your heart." (jer. 29:11-13)

change in perspective.

phew. so nick texted me yesterday and told me he had watched this video in
three of his classes yesterday with his students. he said he bawled all
three times (i love my husbands heart). last night before we put bella to
bed, we sat and watched it together and i lost it within the first few
seconds.

heck, i'm crying now as i write this blog.

this week has been a tough one for me emotionally, physically, spiritually. i had been having a lot of joint pain and just constant aches and pains in my back, knees and feet since having bella. it has made it very difficult to be active in the way i used to, and i experience fatigue and loss of energy most of the time. i went to a specialist last friday and they think i have psoriatic arthritis, which also has a skin condition that (in most cases) goes along with the arthritic pain. i spent all weekend fighting discouragement and anxiety over what this diagnosis would look like for the future. i totally allowed satan to use it to get me down and even did what everyone knows not to do... i went on the internet to research. which obviously made everything so. much. worse.

to add insult to injury, bella has had a tough time with sleep these days... teething/daylight savings time/allergy-cold junk does NOT make for a nice combo. which means i have been completely sleep deprived, and this only added to my discouraged state this week.

as i watched this video, all of the discouragement, pain, fear, doubt, exhaustion of the previous few days began to *melt* away. i dissolved into a huge puddle of tears. when the video finished, nick handed me bella and i squeezed that little girl like i have never squeezed her before.

this video resonated so deeply with nick and me. it not only renewed our perspective and gratitude for the blessing of our daughter, but it also challanged us to look at our faith. may our attitude always be one of praise to our god, even when life isn't easy. we may never know the pain that these parents experience, but we will know other pain, go through different challanges and be faced with other trials.

i oftentimes live in fear of what those trials could be rather than the promise that whatever lies ahead, god's grace will be sufficient for me. i can walk in him, taking one day at a time, and knowing that in HIM there is joy and there is peace no matter what is unknown. i love this prayer:

"god, grant me the serenity

to accept the things i cannot change,

the courage to change the things i can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

living one day at a time,

enjoying one moment at a time

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace

taking, as jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as i would
have it

and trusting that you will make all things right

so that i will be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with you

forever in the next.

amen."

fear less.

i have always struggled with fear. for those who know me, this is a well known fact. i come by it honestly. i was born into a long line of worriers. as a little girl i remember when our school did fire-prevention day. most little kids just loved getting to "stop drop and roll" all over the floor, get to sit in the fire truck and wear a big, red plastic hat. me? well, i would lie in bed at night and plan out our "escape route" for when our house was on fire, because i was convinced that at some point it would be. when we went to disney world when i was in elementary school, i loved all of the rides and characters and shows. i thought it was the most magical place on earth. but i also clung to my parents because i had heard stories of kids being kidnapped there. when my parents went out of town on trips, i was afraid their plane would crash. when i was home by myself, i was afraid someone would break in. when nick and i were first married, i feared him getting in a car wreck. when i was pregnant i was afraid i would lose the baby. when i discovered a mole that looked a bit different i was convinced i had skin cancer. as you can see, the list goes on and on...

and on
and on and on.

i know, i know... i'm really exposing myself and by now you know that i am completely neurotic. and i am. but i think on some level we all are. what i have learned about us humans is that we are oftentimes filled with fear. it may disguise itself differently; as anger, control, or pride... but much of our behavior is fear based.

for me, it took a bout of anxiety and mild panic attacks, some medication and about a year of meeting with a counselor to start working through my fear-issue. i began seeing how much of a hold it had on my life and i hated it. it kept me from fully living, from fully loving and from fully being who god had created me to be.

you can't fully live when you're afraid of dying. you can't fully love when you're afraid of losing. and you can fully be who you were created to be when you're afraid to trust the One who created you.

thankfully god began to work through this fear stuff with me before i became a mom. because having a little one you are in charge of can bring it to a whole. new. level. there were many times throughout my pregnancy that i would lie awake at night, fearful. nick would constantly remind me that this was not our baby... it was god's baby. i had to continually keep placing bella in his hands; and i knew that was only the beginning. after i actually held her in my arms, that surrender became a bit more difficult. bringing her home from the hospital, i remember waking up at night and putting my hand on her chest just to feel it softly rise and fall, to know that she was still breathing. around two months we transitioned her from the pack and play beside our bed, to the crib in her room and that was another step of surrender for me. after all, she was a whole room away.

but the hardest night so far came after a oh-so-discouraging trip to the pediatricians office for bella's four month check up. i *love* bella's pediatrician so much i could write an entire blog post about how incredibly sweet she is. however, she had the nerve to have a baby and be out of the office on maternity leave for a couple of months. geesh. (note: sarcasm) so... we had to meet with a substitute doctor.

enter: someone who is not fit to ever {ever} meet with a first time mom.

upon meeting her, she seemed very sweet. an attractive woman in her late fifties. nice and smiley and talked the appropriate amount of baby talk with bella (always an important qualification). but our appointment began going downhill when i tried to ask her some of my questions and she read from a script, not giving me any answers or help to some of the things i had waited two months to ask. i then told her that we had been swaddling bella for sleeping and that one day i found her completely rolled over on her belly and it scared me (looking for consolation). i asked her if we should continue to swaddle and the conversation looked something like this:

dr: "oh, i don't know about that... can it get tangled around her neck? have you tried breathing through it to make sure she can breathe through it if it covers her face?"

me: "ummm... no..." ("tangled around her neck?! not being able to breathe through it?! great... i was just worried about her sleeping on her belly...")

me: "i mean, she holds her head up really well and she's four months... don't you think she's strong enough that if she ends up on her belly, she'll know to turn her head so she can breathe?"

dr: "oh, i don't know about that. i can't tell you one way or another. you do know that it only takes six minutes for the unthinkable to happen, right?"

me: nodding, silent, fighting back tears.

i left the dr's office that day and did what any new, first time mom would do. i called my mom and burst into tears. after talking with her and with nick, we decided to begin putting bella in regular pajamas and i proceeded to wake up almost every hour that first night, crawl into her room and look at her to make sure she was okay. as i sat on the floor at 4 am watching her (in a completely different position than how i had first put her down, i might add to make myself seem a little bit more sane... she was moving around a whole lot...) i realized that this was the longest, scariest night i had experienced--thus far--of being a mom (those of you who have been moms through the teenaged years i'm sure are getting a good chuckle right now). and then i realized how rediculous i was. that i just needed sleep. that she would be fine and i needed to--once again--trust god. he was, after all, the one who was (and is) writing bella's story from start to finish.

i share all of this not to show you how completely crazy i am, and where my thoughts can oftentimes take me when left unchecked. but to be vulnerable, to share a part of my journey, and god's faithfulness in healing my heart. he has brought me so much freedom, and i try to trust that every day he will bring more. freedom. that's his business. i know i will never reach being completely fearless this side of heaven. but i can ask the lord to help fear less.

(like that clever little play on words? that's the creativity of a tired mom at 11:45 am who can hear her baby who should be napping talking to herself in the other room.)

i've been listening to this song a whole lot lately. kinda reminds me that the fears and concerns of my heart are handled by someone who is far greater than i. love me some chris tomlin music. enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlA5IDnpGhc

a mustard seed.

so having a baby has taught me a lot lately about life. i've learned how to manage soothing a crying newborn while using my free hand to do laundry and dishes. i've figured out how to keep the bouncer seat, swing and swaddle in a constant rotation. i've even researched things like baby gas. who knew it would be so explosive? what i didn't know is how much i would learn on a daily basis about the lord as my provider, as nick&i have taken on that role for our sweet bella.

i tend to worry. it's not a secret. i don't try to hide it because it's me. i'm trying to work on it and the lord has given me some victory but i'm just going to lay that out there from the beginning. if you know me well, this is no surprise. i remember periods of sleeplessness when i was pregnant just wondering how everything would work out once this baby entered our lives. would we have everything we needed? what about bottles or carseats or the million little dresses that i had seen at target the other day that she just HAD to have? how would finances work? and what about childcare? and would i be able to stay home a few days a week to be with her and still be able to pursue what god was leading me to do? yes. this was the constant audio tape running through my mind between bathroom breaks at 4 am as i laid awake in bed, trying to get comfortable with a watermelon protruding out of my shirt. ahhhh, pregnancy.

one day i was in the kitchen thinking about all of these things when i leaned against the counter and propped up my filled-with-worries-little head on my elbows right infront of our spice rack. don't you just love it when the lord speaks to you? when *BAM* you know there's a little something that he gives you to speak into your craziness at that moment? well this particular evening it was the little jar of mustard seeds in our spice rack. crazy, i know but as my eye caught that container immediately i remembered the verse in matthew "if you have faith even as small as a mustard seed..."

there are many times when bella is crying and flailing away (you'd think i never feed my child by the looks of her sometimes) that i catch myself saying to her "bella... calm down, sweetie. do you think that mama's not going to feed you?" the first time i said that i did a mental double take. hmmm. i think the lord says that to me alot. "megan... calm down. do you think i'm not going to take care of you?"

right now so much seems to be up in the air in our lives. nick&i had the "perfect" little plan for once bella entered the scene. just a couple of weeks ago, that plan burst like a balloon when pricked by a needle. the daycare we were going to send bella to a couple days a week called nick to inform us that they were closing and thus not able to fulfill their role in our ever-so-thought-out strategy. now, we find ourselves at a loss and not quite sure what the next months hold for us financially or many other ways. it is scary especially for this worrisome girl, but i know somehow it will all be okay. i don't know how the picture will look, but i know god does. he's the photographer, actually. and i'm trying to make that enough for me.

as i look at my precious daughter, i can't help but *want* to provide for her. i love getting to meet her needs (okay, okay... i maybe don't love that 4 am diaper change but you get the picture). it's just second nature for my mama-heart. i know it's the same way with god. it's not always easy to trust him. it's not always fun. he doesn't always provide for our wants but he always provides for our NEEDS. i get discouraged sometimes when i don't know and can't see how everything will work out. but i guess that's trust. it's faith. faith that god will pull through. and it's a good thing to know that we only need to have faith the size of a mustard seed because sometimes that's just all we have. thanks, god, for taking it easy on us and for being so patient. because those little buggers are pretty tiny.