homemade eczema butter.

my oldest daughter has struggled with eczema since just before her first birthday.  it first showed up around her ankles; dry, red patches of skin.  and then, around the time she was a year and a half it got really, really bad.  i remember sitting at the computer, frantically researching cures as tears streamed down my face.  nothing seemed to help and the thought of steroid prescription creams on my little baby made me incredibly fearful.

one day, we took her to the doctor because she had scratched herself until she was bleeding.  it was absolutely heartbreaking.  her little eyes had red circles around them, and i hated how everyone stared at her, wondering what was wrong. i pleaded with the doctor in tears, telling her i couldn't keep watching my little girl suffer like this.  we were referred to a wonderful pediatric dermatologist and began to learn about how to manage her eczema flares and help keep her skin under control.

thankfully, we have learned several different ways to help our itchy girl.  robathol oil in her bath water... sometimes, when her skin is really bad, even some bleach (i know, totally freaked me out too... turns out, a quarter of a cup in a bathtub contains less bleach than they would get in a swimming pool and it really really works and helps protect against infection).  wet wraps at night, which means warmed, wet pj's with dry ones ontop to lock in moisture for her skin.  and a stringent post-bath routine of applying steroid cream and vaseline to her problem spots.  i still hate using steroid cream and petroleum jelly, but when her skin is flaring, it's the only thing that will work consistently and quickly to give her relief.  so we still do it at times.  when the eczema is worst.  and i remind myself that life is all about balance.

we've cut out a ton of processed foods, put her on all natural, organic vitamins, gotten her tested for food allergies and celiac disease and only use free and clear laundry detergent and body wash.  we've also learned her patterns; for some reason, every fall is her worst season. her skin tends to flare when she's eating junk; vacations and holidays are the hardest.  too much sugar, processed crackers and bread, things that trigger her seasonal allergies cause her eczema to flare.

every end of summer, beginning of fall i struggle.  i fight back tears as she itches endlessly and cries that her skin hurts.  i worry about her friends at school wondering what is wrong with her scratchy and sometimes scabbed skin.  i feel like i'm failing as a mom because she's in pain.  i pray endlessly that she will be one of the ones that outgrow it.

my sister has gotten me into essential oils.  she is obsessed, i mean we're talking homemade dishwasher detergent, shampoo and deoderant.  i'm not as motivated, so i lean on her to give me recipes and inspire me.  but i have been amazed at the difference my dabbling in essential oils has made.  i used to have allergy induced migraines close to once a month.  they would completely knock me out and force me to my bed to lie in the dark, with a pillow over my face.  horrible.  in june, i started using essential oils and i haven't had a migraine since.  life changing, people.  seriously!  i'm so grateful.  so... i began researching essential oils for my daughter's eczema.  and today... i made homemade eczema butter!  i followed this recipe but tweaked it a bit.  and doubled the recipe so i have a nice, big batch in a couple of jars for my girl.  excited to give it a try, and hopeful that it will work!

homemade eczema butter

* 1/4 c. coconut oil

* 1/4 c. shea butter

* 10 drops of lavender essential oils

* 5-10 drops of cedarwood essential oils

* 5 drops of melaluca essential oils

- using a stand mixer with paddle attachment, whip together coconut oil and shea butter until smooth.  

- add oils and blend.  store in a jar with a tight lid.

- use immediately after a bath or shower, and as needed.

note: i buy my coconut oil at sam's.  it comes in a HUGE container and is organic and unrefined.  i bought my shea butter at a local healthfood store, but i think in the future i'll purchase from amazon.  my essential oils i get from my doterra obsessed sister :)

hoping this homemade blend will be helpful for my sweet girl's itchiness.  if you have any eczema tips for your little ones, i'd love to hear them!  

mamas of itchy children unite.

fall happenings.

fall is one of my absolute favorite times of the year.

and pretty much nothing beats fall in new england.  the brilliance of the trees and chill in the air fill my heart with coziness.  and i eagerly anticipate what autumn ushers in; the holiday season and all it's glory.

yes, i love this time of year.

some of our favorite family traditions every fall are going to pick apples, and a visit to treworgy orchards.  with nick coaching football in the fall, we have to be strategic about fitting in family time and these are two days i look forward to every year.

this year, nick was sick for our apple picking trip.  we were pretty disappointed.  we go every year with my mom and sister and brother in law.  the kids run endlessly through the trees and eat as many apples as they can get their hands on.  i spend my time picking, but mostly snapping photos...because who can resist a picture of cute kids in an apple orchard?  i know i can't.  and i have a million of them.  i decided rather than staying cooped upat home with the kids and wallow in my disappointment over our altered apple-picking-day, the girls and i would still go and let nick sleep off his flu.  wasn't the same without him, but we still had fun.  the trees were drooping with beautiful, bright red beauties and i easily filled up a bag within minutes, while still getting plenty of chances to take some pics.  the girls and i always have fun using up our apple supply to make applesauce, crisp, pies and muffins.  any chance they get to help me in the kitchen, they love, so we really enjoy our cozy fall days at home after a trip to the orchard.

already looking forward to next year!

we met my sister and brother in law and their family again at treworgy's a few weeks later.  we love going there throughout the year, but fall is our favorite.  and the girls were giddy to have their cousins join us.  we took a hayride through the grounds, which is the girls favorite part.  they giggled the whole way as we sat on bales of hay and bumped along through the fields.  my girls love feeding the animals and were excited to show jude and lucy how to fill their hands with food and let the goats nibble it right out of their little palms.  my germ conscious niece and nephew were less enthused :)  the highlight of our trip to treworgy's every year is an ice cream cone.  while the kids sat lapping their cones, us adults warmed our hands around steaming cups of hot cider.  we browsed through the pumpkins and the kids climbed on an old vintage tractor and it was time to head home to corn chowder and biscuits and more cousin play.  love watching these little ones grow up together.

my heart aches a little as i type these memories, for i know all too soon i'll realize that these days are gone.  their squeals of excitement as they chase each other through the apple trees, or their giggles as they hold hands and ride along on the tractor filled with hay... these days are exhausting but the memories are so cherished.

i never want to forget.  thank you, jesus, for these precious days.

imperfect.

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i feel as though i've had writer's block for the last several months.

this blog has been such a wonderful place for me.  a blank page to document who i am and (hopefully) how i'm growing.  a little corner of the world that is mine.  where i can freeze time just where it is each day i pause to write.  where i can journal my little family and bottle up my girl's childhood.  share a recipe or two, and some decorating projects in our home.  a collection of my most favorite things.

i've always expressed myself best through writing.  when i was little, i constantly had notebooks going all over the house; their pages filled with stories scribbled from my ever vivid imagination.  in fourth grade my teacher told me i should be an author when i grew up.  i told her if i ever was, i would dedicate my first book to her.  in my adult years, writing has been my best outlet; a way of helping me grow and process.  it's been through penned pages of my endless source of journals, and now through the clatter of computer keys, that i have felt closest to the lord.  i've poured out my heart, written out my prayers, journaled my deepest fears and greatest joys.  i've recounted beautiful and tragic moments of my life, and i've found a way to share my story.  it's nothing special; but it's the journey god's given me, and i've always felt that by sharing it, god just may use my words to tell someone else "i've been there".

sure, god uses our seasons of plenty to encourage and bless others... but i believe it's through the authentic and raw exposing of our struggles that our stories breathe life into those around us.  we all need to know we are not alone.  we don't have it all together.  and that we can be beautiful, worthy, and enough in the grace of jesus... even in all the imperfection.

i've always been a perfectionist.  to the core.  in my work, my home, my appearance... it's a draining thing, really.  i don't recommend it to anyone.  truth be told, motherhood has kind of wrecked me; but in a very good and humbling way.  i spend way more days in yoga pants than i do in nice clothes.  and it's a good day if i get to run a chi through my bangs, forget about washing and blowdrying my hair.  my house--well--let's just say my kids are slowly destroying everything, my couches are dotted with water stains from leaky sippy cups and don't even get me started on trying to organize their craft supply... or any of their toys, for that matter.  and wanting everyone to think i'm a top notch mom?  well, i'm humbled continuously because of my girls amazing abilities to throw the most epic tantrums of all time.  other moms relate?  yeah.  why i care about what the staring strangers in public places think about my mothering ability is beyond me, but i still struggle with that one.  i told you.  motherhood is a complete perfectionism wrecker.  for that, i am thankful (most of the time).

somewhere in my teenaged years, i got the message that there was a pedestal i was on, and i needed to do everything i could to stay there.  i began decades of a works based relationship with jesus, where i was the good girl, made all the "right" decisions on the big stuff... went to a christian college, got my masters degree from a world renowned seminary and fell in love with a wonderful man and did everything the "right" way.  after i graduated from seminary, i started a full time ministry job as a counselor at a church in dallas and me and that wonderful man started talking about marriage and making sure that was the next step that god wanted us to take.  i got myself so wound up trying to make sure my life choices were pleasing to god, that because of that and other reasons i ended up ridden with anxiety.  like, major anxiety.

one morning, i sat on my bed with the bible open in my lap praying for god to show me something in his word that would calm my striving heart.  immediately, he directed me to ephesians chapter 3... one of my favorite verses was always ephesians 3:20 "now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us..." but this time god was whispering to me to read the earlier verses...a prayer the apostle paul had written to the ephesians:

"i pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  and i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ; and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of god."

ephesians 3:16-19

that morning, god's unconditional love brought me to my knees.  my perfectionism (also read: pride) had completely broken me.  for the past several years since, i've been on a journey of admitting my flaws, accepting my shortcomings and allowing god to love me regardless of my "performance".  

this november will mark three years since i lost my dad and encountered one of the toughest spiritual battles of my life.  so much of what i always knew about god, and had experienced in my intimate walk with him was broken in the traumatic way i lost my dad.  i'm not always sure about how to get that same relationship back... or if i ever will.  and that girl who wants to do everything right and perfect has been resurfacing a lot over the past few years.  accepting the fact that i can struggle, that i can be angry with god, that i can allow myself to grieve and be broken has been a very hard thing for me.  give thanks and praise god for being the one who gives and takes away?  absolutely.  but i have to daily tell myself that it's okay to not have that attitude all the time.  it's impossible, actually.  and that's where jesus comes in.  he is there to fill in the cracked places in my soul.  to hold me when i'm hurting.  to love me when i'm angry.  to gently whisper his promises to me when i want to hold onto everything in my life and not trust him with anything for fear of another loss.  

as our women's pastor at church so gently reminded me as i sat across from her sobbing a couple of months ago: there is nothing i can do that would make god love me any more or any less.  i can come just as i am; broken and hurt and scared... and trust him to do what he does best.  LOVE.

i'm not at all where i wish i was in my healing process, or where i want to be in my walk with god.  it's still difficult at times for me to open my bible.  my mind often races too much to pray as fervently and consistently as i used to.  and i think i could still cry almost every sunday at church during worship.   but god's word tells me that my brokenness is beautiful to him.  it's better than any striving, than any prideful perfectionism, and i'm learning to find the beauty in that myself.

"my deepest awareness of myself is that i am deeply loved by jesus christ and i have done nothing to earn it or deserve it."

-brennan manning