hey, dad.

hey, dad.  i've been missing you so much lately.  everything reminds me of you, how much i miss you and how i ache because you're not here.  you were one person in my life that could always make things feel better.  even if you couldn't change scraped up knees when i was little, or life's disappointments as i grew older, you had a way of knowing what i needed: a hug, affirmation, a good talk, encouraging words, a note.  so it feels weird that the hardest thing i've ever been through i have to endure with you not here to do any of those things.

i wish you could see bella and emmy right now.  i wish i could watch you playing with them and loving on them.  you would ask bella to show you how she dances like cinderella and then you would tell her just how beautiful she is.  you would hold emmy and talk and sing to her, telling her over and over that you're her bampy and that you love her with all your heart.  you would laugh at bella's funny and spunky personality, and marvel at how sweet and smiley emmy is.  you would treat them like little queens and i hate that they are missing out on knowing you and your love for them.

i wish i could get your advice, your wisdom, your guidance on so many things.  decisions were easier to make when you helped talk me through them.  you were always the best at that.  not only for your family, but for so many other people who looked to you for those things.  you were respected by so many people, dad.  i wish i could tell you about how i've gotten back into running since i've had emmy; you were always a great cheerleader.  i wish i could tell you about the class i just finished at husson, and how every time i turned on to campus i found comfort knowing that these were your old stomping grounds.  i wish you could see our house; we've done so much more to it since the last time you saw it and you would love it.  i would always get so excited to show you things that i did; decorating or different little projects here and there, because even if you didn't know much about them, you'd always act so proud.  i wish you would call us up one of these summer nights to go to "dq" (dairy queen) for ice cream.  you always loved going there, and i loved going there with you.

i wish on tired, emotional, self-doubting days that i could call you.  i miss your affirming, encouraging words so so much.  you always made me feel beautiful, special...valued.  i wish i could watch you joking around with nick, calling him your boy and watching sports with him.  those things just warmed my heart and made me feel so blessed.  i wish you could stop by on your lunch breaks with sandwiches from franks bakery like you did countless times last summer.  we could sit out on the front porch and talk... i would've really loved that, dad.

not a day goes by without me thinking "i would give anything to call dad right this second."  i know you are much better off where you are now, but that doesn't stop the ache in my heart that doesn't go away.  the pain of missing you.  the huge hole that your absence has left in my life.  lately, when i close my eyes, i see your face.  you are always smiling; your blue eyes bright and shining.  and when i open my eyes and you are gone, i hurt.  because now i can only see your face in those corners of my mind... and that is far--so far--from being good enough.

i wish i could tell you again and again just how much i love you and how blessed i am to be your daughter.  i could tell you that a million times and still feel like it wasn't enough.  i hope you know just how much i love you and how proud i am of who you were.  my life has been forever changed because you were my dad.

love you and miss you every single day.

multitude monday.

407.  watching bella be in awe.
408.  waking up to emmy's excited chatter and bright eyes.
409.  a clean house (for the most part).
410.  visits with old friends.
411.  good talks with nick over classes of wine.
412.  a quiet house with sleeping girls.
413.  cool summer nights.  rocking and talking in the dark on the front porch next to the mr.
414.  cobb salad.  my fav.
415.  weekends.
416.  god providing for needs, but also a few wants.
417.  traveling with my favorites.
418.  the beauty of new england.  especially in the summer months.
419.  making memories with those i love most.
420.  words to old hymns.  the inspiration, encouragement and promise they give.

a pumpkin coach, some reindeer & the white mountains.

i wasn't kidding when i said we had a busy stretch.  we got home from our two week trip to dallas thursday night after midnight and by sunday morning, we were back on the road again.  this time, headed for new hampshire. growing up, our family vacays usually included a trip to new hampshire.  it's a beautiful state, full of mountains and forests and lakes.  we always stayed in this one hotel and i have memories of sitting in the restaurant overlooking chair lifts on the ski slopes, and my dad endlessly throwing our room key in the pool for gretchen and i to dive for it.  in the middle of the white mountains sit two family amusement parks: storyland and santa's village.  if you grew up in new england, you probably know exactly what i'm talking about.  it seems to be a rite of passage for any kid in these parts.  it's like: boston red sox fan?  check.  eat peanut butter and fluff sandwiches?  double check.  been to storyland and santa's village?  check, check, check.

told ya.

i couldn't think of a better vacation to take this summer with my family... perfect nostalgia.  i was nervous about such a trip conjuring up memories and making me sad that my dad wasn't with us.  but instead, i just kept thinking: he is loving the fact that we are doing this.

here is a rundown.

sunday
left bright & early, and made the usual stop at the newport d&d for a cup of joe.  made it to north conway in time for lunch and happened to see a "thomas the train" event at the train station.  you can imagine jude and bella's excitment.  we wove our way through the mountains to our hotel, which included a room with bunk beds that, again, bella and jude were quite pumped about.  we went out to dinner, did some grocery shopping, got settled and hit the hay.

monday
storyland!  after breakfast at the hotel, we made our way to storyland.  i forgot how cute that place is.  it incorporates several children's stories, nursery ryhmes and fairy tales, including a spinning teacup ride (alice in wonderland), a trip to heidi's grandfather's cabin (remember that shirley temple classic?), the old woman in the shoe, and the highlight of our whole vacation... cinderella's castle.  so, so cute.  it took bella a bit to warm up to the rides, but no time at all to cozy up to her fav princess.  almost a week later, and every night before she goes to bed, i lay down beside her and she tells me allllll about seeing cinderella's castle, her glass slippers, riding in her pumpkin coach and seeing prince charming.  one of my favorite moments of being a mama to date :)

my aunt and mom were so sweet, helping so much with the babies so we could all take the bigger kids on rides and not miss a thing.  they were troopers and we were so grateful for their help!  bella missed the 36 inch cut off line by just a hair, so she wasn't able to go on some of the bigger rides, but we still found tons to do!

tuesday
after breakfast, us and the keezers headed for the outlet stores in north conway.  it was a bit stressful with all the kids, but when they started to tire, the guys took bella and jude back to the hotel for lunch and naps. my mom, aunt and rach joined gret and i and the babies for lunch and more shopping.  i think lucy cried the whole time we were in american eagle, and then emmy cried the whole time we were in the gap.  so after those two stops, gret and i were ready to head back with our cranky munchkins.  that evening we got to go on a cornwell/keezer double date and it was so fun... and also, so kid-free, which was amazing.  we found an awesome little pub and had a great time.  perfect night.

wednesday
santa's village!  we packed up, loaded our cars and left our hotel that morning, headed through the white mountains for about an hour drive.  it was *beautiful*.  santa's village is an amusement park that transports its visitors into christmastime, even in july, constantly playing christmas music, decorated in "snow" and lots of red and green and providing countless rides and shows.  bella got to "work" in santa's workshop and made her very own princess hat.  she went to a bakery where she decorated (and ate... obviously) a gingerbread cookie.  aaaand she got to feed santa's reindeer.  we also appreciated them keepin it real with a huge nativity set; bella gave baby jesus kisses, jude gave him a high five and they both "rode" on some sheep.  too cute.  bella kept asking for cinderella, but loved every second of the christmas-y park.  she even got to ride a roller coaster.  she was completely silent the entire time, just staring ahead.  i leaned over and asked her if she liked it and she said "no!  i don't!" but when it was all over, she totally changed her tune.  jude, brian, nick&i got to ride our second log flume ride of the trip (think waaaaaaaay mini splash mountain).  jude said he wanted me to take him, so he sat in front of me and i held onto him for dear life as he screamed the whole way down :)

santa's village was a great way to end our vacay... and maybe, just maybe this year bella won't be so terrified of santa after our visit.  does this pic ring a bell??

one can only hope.

we had a blast!  jude and bella got along so well and loved every minute of our activities (okay, except the shopping) and lucy and emmy were full of cuteness, which is really all we can expect at this point.  so beyond grateful for my family... we have weathered a tough year and have managed to draw closer to one another and make some special memories in the midst of it all, knowing just how short this life can be.  dad would be proud.  i just know it.

the big d.

after nearly three weeks of vacation, we are back.  while it's always sad when vacations end, it's nice to be settling in back at home and getting the girls back onto their regular routines.

or trying to, anyway.

i had grand visions of still blogging while we were away, which did not happen (obviously).  so now i'll just play catch up and write a couple of posts full of updates and photos.  and there are a lot.  of both.

we were so excited about our trip to dallas a couple of weeks ago!  we were ready to get to hang with nick's parents, visit with some of our family and friends we hadn't seen in over a year and introduce emmy to our world in the big d.  it was a great time--super busy, but we wouldn't have had it any other way!  here are a few highlights from our trip:

- cousin time!  bella got to hang with her cousins, wyatt and sophia while the newest ones (emmy and olivia) got to chill together.  there was a lot of chaos, dancing and getting into things.  it was fun and there was so much adorableness i could hardly handle it.

- nick's parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary this year.  can you believe it?!  forty years.  what an amazing testimony and inspiration they are!  we partied it up texas-style with a huge bash to honor them and it was so fun.  how loved they are!

- church.  we were able to visit our old stomping grounds, irving bible church for a service as well as a few trips to let bella play in the tubes.  just walking through that place brings back countless memories.  nick&i both worked there, worshipped there aaaand it was where we first got introduced.  so it's a pretty special place in our book.  to top it all off, the worship team sang "ten thousand reasons" my new fav song.  i may or may not have just sat there and cried.

- we got to celebrate the fourth with family out in the country, about an hour outside of dallas.  we spent the night with jd, stella, sophia and olivia and had a great time watching the kids play and hanging out!  then we spent the following day at nick's aunt ann's.  we love going out there!  it's so pretty and peaceful and there's always kids everywhere and lots of really, really good food.  bel got to play with even more cousins there: mckenna, kaity, luke, tyler, kaylee, allison, lexi and landen!  she loooooved it.  she attempted to swim in the pool (she hated it), blew bubbles and played and played on the swingset until her little cheeks were bright red from the hot texas sun.  that evening, as we sat outside watching fireworks, my tuckered out girl fell asleep in my lap.  and i loved it.

- it's always a highlight for me when we get to have my good friend amanda take photos of our family!  she does suuuuuch an amazing job.  we hiked out into a nature reserve for this shoot which included a quilt, some bubbles, a 1920s baby carriage and a vintage bonnet.  cannot wait to see the end results, but here is a sneak peek...

- baby shower!  my sweet sister in law is due in less than two months with our precious niece, josie anne.  this is one prayed for little girl and it was *such* a blessing to celebrate both she and jessica while we were there!  cannot wait to see her pretty lil face and give her squeezes.  so excited for bella and emmy to have another girl cousin... what fun!

- keeping bella entertained can be a bit of a challenge since she is on the go every minute of the day, but we managed to find a few things to do that kept her out of the heat!  she loved the merry-go-round and the miniature train at grapevine mills mall, as well as her first visit to chuck e. cheese.  she had the most fun just running around and pushing buttons on all the machines.  cheap entertainment, if you ask me.

- we crammed as much time in as we could with family and friends.  nick went to a rangers game with the guys, ate good texas barbeque with his best friend, played poker and a few games of settlers.  i caught up with good friends, visited with the family i nannied for last year, and ate with girlfriends at two of my *fav* spots (breadwinners and chuys).

- we had a wonderful time staying with nick's parentsand getting to visit with them, and watch them love on our girls. they were so gracious, helping us so much with bella&emmy, letting us use one of their cars and opening up their home to all of us.  they got up almost every morning with bella and let us sleep.  bob cooked us breakfasts and theda changed lots of diapers :)our girls are blessed to have their nonni and papa!

already looking forward to our next visit to the big d.  it's such a special place to us... where we met&fell in love, had our first home together and welcomed our bella grace into the world.  it's where half of our family lives, and many people who are so precious to us!  we're so grateful to have a built-in family vacay every year for our girls where they can play with their cousins, see lots of family and friends and get a bit spoiled by their nonni and papa (i think bella had ice cream every night!).

here's to you, texas.  we'll be back soon.