hey, dad.

hey, dad.  i've been missing you so much lately.  everything reminds me of you, how much i miss you and how i ache because you're not here.  you were one person in my life that could always make things feel better.  even if you couldn't change scraped up knees when i was little, or life's disappointments as i grew older, you had a way of knowing what i needed: a hug, affirmation, a good talk, encouraging words, a note.  so it feels weird that the hardest thing i've ever been through i have to endure with you not here to do any of those things.

i wish you could see bella and emmy right now.  i wish i could watch you playing with them and loving on them.  you would ask bella to show you how she dances like cinderella and then you would tell her just how beautiful she is.  you would hold emmy and talk and sing to her, telling her over and over that you're her bampy and that you love her with all your heart.  you would laugh at bella's funny and spunky personality, and marvel at how sweet and smiley emmy is.  you would treat them like little queens and i hate that they are missing out on knowing you and your love for them.

i wish i could get your advice, your wisdom, your guidance on so many things.  decisions were easier to make when you helped talk me through them.  you were always the best at that.  not only for your family, but for so many other people who looked to you for those things.  you were respected by so many people, dad.  i wish i could tell you about how i've gotten back into running since i've had emmy; you were always a great cheerleader.  i wish i could tell you about the class i just finished at husson, and how every time i turned on to campus i found comfort knowing that these were your old stomping grounds.  i wish you could see our house; we've done so much more to it since the last time you saw it and you would love it.  i would always get so excited to show you things that i did; decorating or different little projects here and there, because even if you didn't know much about them, you'd always act so proud.  i wish you would call us up one of these summer nights to go to "dq" (dairy queen) for ice cream.  you always loved going there, and i loved going there with you.

i wish on tired, emotional, self-doubting days that i could call you.  i miss your affirming, encouraging words so so much.  you always made me feel beautiful, special...valued.  i wish i could watch you joking around with nick, calling him your boy and watching sports with him.  those things just warmed my heart and made me feel so blessed.  i wish you could stop by on your lunch breaks with sandwiches from franks bakery like you did countless times last summer.  we could sit out on the front porch and talk... i would've really loved that, dad.

not a day goes by without me thinking "i would give anything to call dad right this second."  i know you are much better off where you are now, but that doesn't stop the ache in my heart that doesn't go away.  the pain of missing you.  the huge hole that your absence has left in my life.  lately, when i close my eyes, i see your face.  you are always smiling; your blue eyes bright and shining.  and when i open my eyes and you are gone, i hurt.  because now i can only see your face in those corners of my mind... and that is far--so far--from being good enough.

i wish i could tell you again and again just how much i love you and how blessed i am to be your daughter.  i could tell you that a million times and still feel like it wasn't enough.  i hope you know just how much i love you and how proud i am of who you were.  my life has been forever changed because you were my dad.

love you and miss you every single day.