what's for dinner tonight {butternut squash mac&cheese}.

so bella hates vegetables.  like, really hates them.  it's super annoying.  she used to eat anything and everything under the sun.  neither nick or i are picky eaters, and we're determined to have our family eat healthy.

come on, bella.  get with the program.

too bad you can't tell that to a two year old.  i told her one day that she's going to need to start eating her vegetables.  she started bawling; i mean sobbing saying "i don't wike beggies!"  this is what we're dealing with, people.  our motto?  she'll eat when she's hungry.  in the meantime, we're finding creative ways to add vegetables into our meals.  i found this recipe one day and couldn't wait to try it.

of course, she wouldn't eat it.  but we keep giving it to her.  someday it will sink in.  hopefully sooner rather than later.

this recipe is one of our fall favs.
(i adapted it and used the photo from this here).

butternut squash mac&cheese

* 1/2 butternut squash, peeled, seeded and cubed
* 1 T. olive oil
* 1 box whole wheat penne pasta (or elbows; i just like the penne!)
* 2 1/2 c. milk, divided
* 2 T. butter
* 3 T. flour
* 1/8 t. ground nutmeg
* 1/8 t. rosemary
* 2 c. sharp cheddar cheese, shredded (i buy blocks and shred it myself.  did you know bags of shredded cheddar use an additive that is basically wood pulp to keep it from sticking together?  sick)
* 3/4 c. breadcrumbs (i make mine by toasting the heels of my own bread, crumbling it in a skillet with a pat of butter and cooking until crispy... oh so good!)

- on a cookie sheet, drizzle squash with olive oil and season with salt and pepper.  roast at 400 degrees for about 25 minutes, turning once.
- while squash is cooling, cook pasta, drain.
- place squash and 1/2 c. milk in blender and puree until smooth.  set aside.
- in a large skillet, melt butter over low heat.  whisk in flour and cook for a couple of minutes.  add milk and whisk over high heat until you bring it to a low boil and it's thick and smooth.  combine with squash mixture and add in nutmeg and rosemary.
- combine with pasta and pour half into a greased 9x13 pan and top with half of the cheese.  pour remaining pasta ontop, then sprinkle with the rest of the cheese and then breadcrumbs.  bake for 25 minutes, or until cheese is bubbly.

it's like fall in a casserole.
enjoy!

when life is hard.

to say i've been struggling these days would be a bit of an understatement.  it's been rough going around these parts as of late.

i haven't written anything about my emotions for a while and figured it's high time to do just that.  i always want to share the hard stuff; not just the good.  i made a vow when i started blogging that i would share my heart; be vulnerable and honest.  i haven't quite known how to process everything that i'm feeling...

i had a bit of a breakdown on sunday.  my poor husband.  he sat on our bed next to me, his hand on my back as i just cried and cried until i had no tears left.  ever have those days?

we had such a blissful summer.  carefree and simple.  and then september hit and life went nuts.  i mean, nuts.  we were both back to work, i'm taking a few grad classes for my school counselor certification and nick's coaching football this season.  our weekends are shot, my job got cut by a day so money is, well, tight, and i'm doing homework again.  can i have summer back now, please?

and then, there's the grief-thing.

i have always, always loved fall.  everything about it.  the vibrant color of the trees, the crispness in the air, seeing my breath as i step outside.  football.  boots&sweaters.  pumpkin spice goodness.  fire-lit nights.  it has always been my absolute *favorite*.

until a year ago.

i have been telling my family all summer that i was dreading the fall.  i knew everything would remind me.  remind me of where we were, the tears, the goodbyes, the sadness and utter sense of emptiness.  the smell of cold air, the bright orange and red leaves.  everything i once loved now only reminds me that nothing will ever be the same.

everything changed when i lost my dad.  not only did i lose such a huge presence in my life...  i lost a sense of naivety.  i told nick the other day: i can't separate my life now from death.  it's around me, in me and constantly looming around me.  sure, i've always been aware of death and loss, but it never had happened to me.  now, all of a sudden, it's become such a harsh reality that is very, very real to me.  and i can't escape it.

i know god is good and that he is faithful.  but do i feel it right now?  not really.  and you know what?  that's okay.  i have learned through all of this that god is big enough.  he's big enough to handle my seasons of anger, questioning, frustration and despair.  he's big enough to shoulder all of my emotions; none of them are too big for him.  and, most importantly, he's big enough to love me through it.  to hold me as i wrestle.  as i feel let down by the god who allowed my family to go through this.  allowed us to walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

never before has that verse felt so real to me.

so, this is where the rubber meets the road.  even though i don't feel grateful, joyful, peaceful... is my relationship with god anchored on feelings?  or what i know to be true?

driving back from the park today with my girls in tow, this familiar song played over our radio: "blessed be your name, in the land that is plentiful, where your streams of abundance flow... blessed be your name.  blessed be your name when i'm found in the desert place, though i walk through the wilderness... blessed be your name."  i smiled to myself and turned the radio dial up.  okay, god.  i'm listening.

one foot in front of the other.  relying on god's grace alone.  giving thanks for the little things.  allowing myself to not have it all together or appear as if i do.  that is how i'll make it through these next few months.

and maybe, one day, i'll be able to enjoy fall again.

littlest pumpkin.

either time needs to slow down, or emmy needs to stop getting bigger.  it seems like yesterday she was in my belly and we hadn't even met her yet.  hard to believe that almost five months ago, we brought our littlest pumpkin home from the hospital.  she used to cry at night, sleep all day, stare at us with those dark, newborn eyes and make her way through a million diapers a day.

i can't begin to imagine our life without her.  our little sunshine.

now, at nearly five months, her little personality is blossoming.  she couldn't be any sweeter.  i know i'm totally biased... but... still.  she seriously smiles all.the.time.  sometimes i'll watch her in a crowd of people.  she'll narrow in on someone and her little face just breaks out into the sweetest smile; even if that person has no idea that they have a little admirer.

some emmy notes:
- she loves looking at her reflection in the mirror.  there's a mirror above her changing table, so after i change her oftentimes i'll stand her up so she can see herself.  she will giggle and laugh and bump her nose up against the glass.  i love it so much.

- this girl likes her crib.  when bella was a baby, we stayed on the go, taking her with us wherever we went.  she would fall asleep at friends houses, in her carseat, on the floor, in my wrap; you name it.  this little bugger?  no way.  when it's time to nap, or at bedtime, she wants to be put in her crib and left alone!  we took a big adventure last weekend to the coast to watch one of daddy's football games.  by the fourth quarter she was done.  no falling asleep, no chilling out, no snuggling in mama's wrap.  girl just wanted to go to bed!

- emmy loves her big sis.  it's so adorable to watch her admire bella.  she will smile and laugh at everything her sister does!

- we have a thumb sucker on our hands!  it's the cutest thing.  she'll get super fussy when i lay her down, but within seconds she'll find her thumb and all is right with the world.  one night while we were getting dinner ready, she was screaming... and all of a sudden, there was silence.  nick found her in her bouncer seat, asleep with her thumb in her mouth:

- she isn't rolling over or moving around in her sleep yet, which is all together different than bella; once she hit four months, we'd never know where in the crib we would find that girl!  we're hoping this means she'll stay pretty chill... (fingers crossed).

- she is a little copycat!  she loves to try to imitate things that others are doing... for instance, i click my tongue a lot when i'm playing with her and the other day she just kept staring at my mouth, and then she'd start opening and closing hers, trying to accomplish the same sound.  meme taught her how to "hoot" like an owl when she was only a couple months old.  i feel like she's going to be another little people person just like bella.  she just loves to stare at people and studies everything about them.

- my favorite time with this little girl is in the mornings on the days that i work, i'll tiptoe into her room to nurse her before i have to leave.  she usually wakes up and talks to herself for quite a while in the mornings... and even in the darkness of her room, she'll see me approaching her crib and break out into the hugest smile.  i love having that time with her in the morning, just the two of us, when the house is dark and quiet and everyone else is still sleeping.

i can't stop squeezing this little girl, or kissing her sweet, chubby cheeks.  my blessing in dark times, my gift from above; i love you with all my heart, emmy faith!

refreshing words {rejoicing always}.

the daily reading from "jesus calling" a few days back really spoke to me.  this fall is quite busy for us.  and as a mom, i'm always trying to savor the moments.  i don't want to get carried away with the hustle and bustle of life that i miss the now.  too busy to notice bella twirling about the living room in her tutu.  how emmy searches for her thumb when she's sad.  the chill in the air, promising change... the simplicity of a quiet house and the smell of bread baking.  how my heart feels full when i climb into bed at night and rest next to my husband.

these are all moments i want to savor.  lord, may i not be too busy to treasure each one.

"rejoice in me always!  no matter what is going on, you can rejoice in your relationship with me.  this is the secret of being content in all circumstances.  so many people dream of the day when they will finally be happy; when they are out of debt, when their children are out of trouble, when they have more leisure time, and so on.  while they daydream, their moments are trickling into the ground like precious balm spilling wastefully from overturned bottles.

fantasizing about future happiness will never bring fulfillment, because fantasy is unreality.  even though i am invisible, i am far more real than the world you see around you.  my reality is eternal and unchanging.  bring your moments to me, and i will fill them with vibrant joy.  now is the time to rejoice in my presence!"

(phillippians 4:4, 12; psalm 102:27)

help me, father, to rejoice in you for you are my constant in an ever-changing world.

*i talk about this devotional often... if you haven't picked up a copy, do so!  the refreshing take it gives on our relationship with jesus is life changing.

multitude monday.

478.  crisp september nights.
479.  walking in quaint coastal villages with my mom and the girls.
480.  carrying emmy in my wrap.  i love her hair tickling my nose and being able to kiss the top of her head a million times.
481.  tucking bella into bed at night, covers warm and smoothed all around her.
482.  apples&peanut butter.
483.  going to nick's football games.  love watching him coach.
484.  thick, wool socks on chilly days.
485.  being snuggled on the couch under big blankets.
486.  park mornings with my sister, jude and lucy.
487.  students faces that light up when i tell them a simple "hi".
488.  sister hugs.
489.  the way emmy watches bella... and how her big sis can already make her giggle more than anyone else.
490.  warm laundry.
491.  knowing in my heart just how proud of all of us my dad would be.

what's for breakfast this morning {homemade clean-eating granola}.

eating healthy can be a lot of work.  but it's totally worth it!  i'm trying to establish a new cooking/baking routine.  every week my goal is to make 1-2 loaves of bread, two different snacks for our family and a batch of homemade granola.  with taking classes, working part time and taking care of my family it's going to be a bit busy... good thing being in the kitchen is a stress relief for me!  last sunday i was on a roll and this granola was one of my projects.

i searched the internet for different recipes for clean eating granola, and in the end i came up with my own.  it was superrr easy and really yummy.  here is my recipe:

homemade clean-eating granola

* 3 cups old fashioned oats

* 1/2 c. raw almonds, chopped

* 1/2 c. raw walnuts, chopped

* 1/4 c. pumpkin seeds

* 1/4 c. ground flaxseed

* 3/4 c. unsweetened applesauce

* 1/4 c. honey

* 1 t. vanilla

* 2 t. cinnamon

- combine everything in a large mixing bowl.

- pour evenly onto a large cookie sheet lined with parchment paper and bake at 325 degrees for about 45 minutes, stirring every so often with a spatula so it won't burn.

there you have it.  really, granola is pretty foolproof.  at first taste, i thought i would need to add some extra honey or maple syrup next time since it didn't taste sweet enough.  but for breakfast with a little milk and sliced banana, it was super delish and plenty sweet from the added fruit!  aaaaaand even just a little scoop filled me up because of all the protein from the nuts.  even in a week's time of using little sugar, my taste has adjusted and now i snack on my granola by itself and am completely satisfied.  

stay tuned: i'm going to experiment with making a pumpkin spice granola for the fall.  i'll be sure to post once i make it :)

enjoy!

so long, sweet summer.

i'm finally resigning to the fact that summer is over (due to the fact that it's the middle of september already and i'm just now posting a recap).  

sighhhh.

our family certainly loves summertime.  we live in maine, so who wouldn't?  but also, nick teaches and i'm a school counselor: which means summers off.  double bonus.  life slows down a bit... or if it's busy, it's because we're having fun.  here's a picture-y run-down.

meeting princesses...

storyland, new hampshire

first trips to the beach...

gloucester, massachusetts

backyard fires...

time for smores!

beach bums...

bella and her friend, olivia

ice cream cones...

bella and her buddies, wyatt & sam

playing in the ocean...

sand beach, maine

family vacations...

santa's village, new hampshire

fun at the lake...

with dakota & olin at their camp on sebasticook lake

sweet family time...

at chuck e cheese in dallas, texas

with brian & leanne

with aunt jayne

with meme & aunt holly

cousin love...

bella&jude on a ride at storyland

lucy&emmy's first sleepover

all the cornwell cousins with nonni & papa

date nights...

date out with my man.

our favorite summer dates: on the front porch, or in the backyard by the fire.

 so long, sweet summer.  i will miss your sweet simplicity, days of sunshine and evenings of leisure.  until we meet again...

multitude monday.

465.  lazy sundays with my little family after a way-too-busy week.
466.  my sleeping girls.
467.  crystal knobs.
468.  the crispness in the air, and the promise of fall.
469.  the smell of a campfire.
470.  time with my bella.  and watching our favorite football coach do his thing.
471.  toasted homemade bread, butter melting on the top.
472.  watching emmy giggle at her reflection in the mirror.  or anything, reallly.  she's a happy little one.
473.  homemade granola filling a glass jar.
474.  time in my kitchen, making things to feed my precious ones.
475.  falling asleep snuggled up to my husband.
476.  hearing bella's sweet little voice sing "this is my father's world".  and how she prays for family members & friends, as well as prince charming and belle.  such a kind hearted one.
477.  my cute little students.  and how their faces light up even at a "hi".

what's for breakfast this morning {homemade pumpkin spice coffee creamer}.

it's a chilly(er) day here in maine.  it's september and there's football on our television.

hey, fall.  welcome back.

i'm a huge fan of all things pumpkin but one of my all time favs?  pumpkin spice coffee.  i've had two already and it's not even "officially" fall.

i should also mention that i have been motivated to get our family eating more cleanly.  no white flour, very little to no white sugar (sorry, this recipe has a couple tablespoons!) and lots of fruits, veggies, lean protein and good grains.  i've been researching different recipes for a couple weeks now and today a clean-baking extravaganza took place in my kitchen.  this pumpkin spice creamer made it smell like heaven... in the fall.

seriously... this will be what gets me out of bed in the morning.  here's the recipe:

homemade pumpkin spice coffee creamer

* 1 c. half&half (i used fat free, but you can use whatever you prefer)
* 1/2 c. pureed pumpkin
* 2 T. sugar
* 1 T. vanilla
* 1/2 t. pumpkin pie spice
* 1/2 t. cinnamon

- in a small saucepan, whisk half&half, pumpkin and sugar over low heat until warmed.
- remove from heat and add vanilla and spices.  cool, pour into a mason jar and store in the fridge.

how easy is that?  and once you have the ingredients on hand, you'll have enough to make this a few times.  i'm all for that.  next time, i'll be doubling the recipe.

so get in the fall spirit and whip up some of this yummy pumpkin goodness.  your coffee mug will thank you (and i'm pretty sure you'll thank yourself).

{original recipe source}

days like today.

my sweet girls,

i just wanted to tell you the days like these are my favorite.  we haven't done much all day, but we've been together.  in our pajamas.  just the three of us.

i've been working on laundry, and it's scattered in folded piles all over the living room.  i'm trying not to care.  i have much better uses of my time this morning: you.

 bella, you&i made chocolate chip cookies while emmy, you watched from your bouncer seat.  bel, the kitchen became a disaster fast because you wanted to do everything on your own.  flour went everywhere.  i have to bite my tongue often and remember that you having memories of cooking with me is far more important than the endless sprinkles of flour littering my once-clean kitchen.

and i always want to make memories.

one of my favorite things to do is turn music up loud and the three of us dance through the kitchen.  emmy, you're too little so i hold you.  and it's my *favorite*.  because i love how your chubby little cheeks feel pressed against mine.  i can't stop kissing them!  you laugh as we spin around and i shimmy you from side to side.  you are so happy; your smiles are contagious and you just ooze with such sweetness.

bella, you LOVE to dance.  and i love watching you.  you like dancing with your dolls; this morning you twirled belle all over the dining room.  as you spun in circles you said "mama!  you dancin with emmy, i dancin with belle!"  you are the cutest thing.  even though you tested out markers on our couch and the dining room table, threw fits all morning and wanted me to hold you every second.  i still love you and your sister more than life.  my heart literally feels like it will explode sometimes.

you girls and your daddy are the biggest blessings god has ever given to me.  you are some of the sweetest joys of my life; you fill my heart until its overflowing. i can't tell you how much i love being your mama.

days like today are the best.

love you with all my heart,
mama