life after the whole thirty.

eggs, nuts, almond butter and more eggs.  

repeat.

if you've done the whole thirty (or are currently doing it), you know what i'm talking about.  but... my goodness, how this diet has changed my life.

and believe it or not: i still love eggs.

i turned thirty five in january and decided life was too short to keep living in a body that felt like it belonged to an elderly woman.  so, i bit the bullet and pledged to live thirty days without my two best friends: bread and cheese (among many other things like sugar).  little did i know what a profound impact it would have on my health.

for years i wondered if i had a gluten sensitivity... i've struggled with joint pain and inflammation since i had bella.  there were many days i'd have a conversation with myself that sounded a lot like this:

"i wonder if i would feel better and have less aches and pains if i gave up gluten?"

"probably." (as i pull a loaf pan of warm, homemade bread out of the oven and stare at it longingly)

"it would be nice to feel better..." (still staring at it longingly)

"WHATEVS... nothing feels as good as bread tastes!" (as i cut a piece, slather it with butter and resolve that i can deal with shuffling around like an old lady as long as i can still eat warm bread... or bread in any form, at any temperature, who am i kidding?).

smart, right?

what i love about the whole thirty is that it really helps you see what food(s) effect how your body feels.  everyone is different, and everyone chooses to live differently when the thirty days are up.  for me, the changes i felt in my inflammation were totally worth continuing to eat the way i had been eating for those thirty days, with some minor changes/wiggle room (i'll explain more in a bit).

what i also love about the whole thirty is it really causes you to take a step back and look at your relationship with food.  i had a couple of really stressful moments during my thirty days... and i realized how badly i wanted to reach for food to comfort me.  so i loved how this program really helped me reprogram my body--but also my mind--in so many ways.  i became very proactive at truly caring for myself... when i felt stressed, or had a bad day, i'd take a hot shower and make myself a cup of tea, talk to my husband or pray, instead of reaching for food.

and i REALLY love that i didn't have to count calories or keep track of points!  i was able to choose healthy fats like avocado and olive oil over lower calorie, yet processed foods like granola bars or baked chips...because i wasn't just trying to achieve certain numbers for the day.  there was so much freedom in that!  the focus is on real, whole foods and that makes all the difference in the world.  i wasn't starving my body, instead i was learning to fuel it with the right things.  i really felt fuller on the whole thirty than i did before.  my portions were immediately cut, and i found myself not even wanting seconds.  it was pretty crazy, and really rewarding.

so, the final rundown: i've lost sixteen pounds so far, which is awesome.  but also, not even the best part.  my inflammation has totally changed.  my taste in food and my cravings have changed.  and i am learning what it means to fuel my body, not just feed it.  is our grocery bill more expensive?  yes.  but, we weren't getting take out nearly as often (or, ever), so that cut down on costs AND even though family dinner time was sacred to us before, it became even more so.  we feed the girls what we are eating and i refuse to make them anything different (which is what we normally did, but it is harder for kids to get used to eating changes... however, i just didn't make other food an option).  they are quick to say they don't like certain foods, but we keep telling them they needed to at least have a bite because their food tastes and preferences are always changing.  one of the most rewarding byproducts of our lifestyle change has been watching their palettes grow and change... not every meal is a huge hit (as many of you who follow me on social media saw with our teary refusal of "icky meatballs"!) but they are devouring things like cabbage soup (and even asked me if they could eat it for breakfast) and the other night they asked for seconds of salad.  salad.  nick and i didn't know whether to high five each other under the table or weep tears of joy.  so i think we did both ;)

i will say this..there was a period of time my energy improved (maybe around week two?) but i was a little disappointed with how fatigued i still was after that.  i have struggled with fatigue most of my life; i literally remember being in high school and getting so run down my doctors were testing me for mono.  and, i had some stomach pains/cramping issues that were a little strange and my eczema started getting out of control (i'm still trying to get it healed).  so there were a few things that were frustrating... especially because i had made so many drastic changes... but this was such a great springboard for me to a healthier lifestyle.  and it reminded me that i can be super disciplined and accomplish things i never thought i would be able to.  buttered bread has no power over me unless i allow it to.  peace comes from not being controlled by anything.  and i'll take peace over bread any day.

so what am i doing now?  like i said, everyone is different and needs to find what works for them when the thirty days are over.  i chose to transition into a paleo lifestyle which is similar to the whole thirty diet except you can add in things like maple syrup and honey which makes baking a lot easier (and more fun) :) we have had a few social gatherings the past couple of weekends and i've just tried to do the best i can... if dessert is offered, i'll have a couple of bites and be satisfied.  i don't want to e controlled by food in either extreme, and some situations are unavoidable, especially when in a social setting.  but i really haven't felt the need to run out to my favorite restaurant and get my favorite cheat meal.  that has been the most shocking part of it all!  i read the book "made to crave" by lysa terkeurst (highly recommend) and i love when she said "our bodies crave whatever we feed them".  i have found that to be SO true.  instead of craving crackers and cheese (although i do have my moments) i'm craving things like sautéed cabbage and roasted veggies.  it really is crazy.

i've also started taking supplements through a company called plexus worldwide.  if you're on facebook you've probably heard of them... they've been helping SO many people.  i had started taking the probio5 (their probiotic) a few months ago, and it was SO crucial in eliminating my sweet tooth and helping me crave things other than sweets.  because my energy was still low and i continued to struggle with fatigue even after the whole thirty, i decided to add in the plexus slim (pink drink) and their magnesium supplement, biocleanse.  these products come in a bundle called the "triplex" and they're really targeted at helping with gut health, reduce inflammation and regulating blood sugar.  i had heard so many testimonies of how these products helped give people their lives back, and i can honestly say after less than a month i wholeheartedly echo that sentiment.  i will shout it from the rooftops to anyone who longs to feel better, just like i did: i LOVE these products (actually so much that i signed up to be an ambassador).  not only are they all natural and plant based, but they really really work.  and i am super passionate about the mission behind the company: helping people get healthy from the inside out.  i'm sleeping better than i ever have before and am even able to be more patient with my kids, less stressed, more energy than i ever remember having, and just feeling so much better all around.

so, if you're wanting to feel better and considering making some lifestyle changes, here is a list of my top five essentials to have on hand as you start your new journey:

against all grain

this cookbook will change your life.  danielle walker is the author behind the cookbook--she has a few others, too--and the website... i make her recipes almost daily.  you have to like the food you're making, or else you won't stick with any of your changes!  who likes gross food?!  not me.

plexus products

these products are a complete game changer, i can tell you that from experience.  i'm typing this post on what usually is my most exhausted day of the year; the monday after daylight savings... but not today!  please contact me, or visit my website for more info... i'm really passionate about helping others live healthier, happier lives!

"made to crave" 

by lysa terkeurst

as i mentioned, i picked up this book just as i was finishing my whole thirty, and i think i was done reading it in about two days ;)  she had me laughing and dog-earing pages i wanted to re-read and tearing up all at the same time.  great book.  a good reminder that we are never alone in our struggles.

an efficient blender

i still need to get this... i have a bullet which i love, but my bigger blender is the hamilton beach cheapie--i think it cost $18--from walmart.  it does the job, but not super well.  but many paleo recipes require a good blender, so i'd recommend it (says the lady who doesn't have one) ;)

a few good friends

as with ANYTHING in life, these healthy changes are always easier when you're journeying alongside a friend...or a few of them.  thankfully, i had several that were sharing recipes with me, encouraging me, checking in on my daily...which was super helpful.  get in touch with someone who can help you, and don't be afraid to be vulnerable with them... authentic friendship is what life is all about.  if you're nervous to tell people just how bad you feel, or just how much you love cheez-its, get in touch with me... i get it, and i will love you and encourage you!

i truly believe our health is central to our enjoyment in life and our participation in it.  i'm so grateful the lord has me on this journey, am so humbled by what i've been learning, and i'm excited to see how it continues <3 

what's for dinner tonight {slowcooker chicken and bone broth}.

it's february...in maine...and we. are. freezing.

i think it's three degrees here today?  yes.  three.  no number after that.  just three.

since we have been making diet changes over here, i've been having so much fun swapping recipes with some friends.  i totally recommend partnering with a few good buddies if you're going to commit to the whole thirty, by the way.  as with anything else in life, it helps so much to have friends by your side (like when you attend a girlfriend's baby shower and face a gigantic food table and all you can have are vegetables... there's power in having a pal next to you as you both look down at your sad little plates of raw broccoli and cucumber slices)  anways, i digress.  but it's totally true.  one of my college girlfriends sent me this amazing slowcooker chicken recipe and it is like heaven in a crockpot.  plus, i used the bones and carcass to make a big pot of bone broth for soup which has been so delicious...especially in this frigid weather!

we're also in the throws of cold and flu season and bella's eczema has been going crazy over the last couple of weeks so i've been determined to do whatever i can to heal my sweet girl.  after a couple years of having prescriptions for steroid creams at me, i've pretty much stopped taking her to the doctor for it and we have been trying to address it naturally.  her skin has been almost perfect for the past year, but flared up around the holidays and has been pretty bad.  it's so awful to see your little one in such misery.  there's so much research linking eczema to gut health, and because of all of the sugar and junk she ate in the month of december, it's no doubt her skin has been a mess.  from what i've read, bone broth is like liquid gold when it comes to gut health, so i was especially excited when my girls slurped this soup right up... bowl after bowl after bowl.  my goal is to keep our freezer stocked with this, especially in the winter months when her skin seems to suffer the most.  which makes me feel SO much better than using harsh steroids... and i sprinkle probiotics in her soup (i hide that stuff in everything), so it's like a double shot of healing powers :)

and, this chicken and the soup is really SO easy to make.  here is the crockpot chicken recipe, and then instructions on how to make the soup:

slowcooker chicken

* 1 onion, chopped

* 4-5 carrots, scrubbed clean and cut into halves or thirds, no need to peel

* 4 celery stalks, cut into thirds

* 2 garlic cloves, peeled and smashed

* 1 whole lemon, quartered

* 3 1/2 - 4 1/2 lb roasting or fryer chicken

for the rub:

* 4 t. salt

* 2 t. paprika

* 1 t. cayenne pepper

* 1 t. onion powder

* 1 t. thyme

* 1 t. white pepper (i didn't have this so i just added 1 1/2 t. black pepper)

* 1/2 t. garlic powder

* 1/2 t. black pepper

- combine ingredients for rub in a bowl and set aside.  prep veggies and put them into the crockpot.  

- prep chicken by removing the neck and any other organs... rinse chicken and pat dry.  

- rub garlic cloves all over outside of the chicken an then put inside the cavity.  massage the rub all over the outside of the chicken, putting some on the inside as well.  put the lemon quarters into the chicken cavity with the garlic.

- place chicken ontop of the vegetables in the slowcooker.  put lid on and cook on low for 4-8 hours, or until the internal temperature reaches 160.  

- remove chicken and place in a glass 9x13 baking dish... place chicken under the broiler for a few minutes, allowing the skin to get nice and crispy.  allow chicken to rest for approximately five minutes before slicing.  

to make the soup...

- keep the veggies in the crockpot... once you've picked off all of the meat, add the carcass, lemons, garlic, bones back into the slowcooker with the veggies.  fill up with water... i added a little salt and italian seasoning.  cover and turn on low and allow to cook overnight.

- in the morning, strain broth by pouring contents of your crockpot through a mesh strainer.  i used 4 cups of broth to make a batch of soup immediately, and froze the rest in freezer bags once it was cooled.  i think mine made about twelve cups of bone broth, and i froze it in four cup portions.  you'll immediately notice a difference between the color of this broth, and the kind you buy at the store.  it's so rich and delicious.

- the great thing about this soup is you can use whatever veggies you have on hand... i highly recommend onions, carrots, garlic and celery because those are a great base... but from there i've added red potatoes (which really help in the place of noodles and give the soup a lot of body), shredded cabbage, asparagus, leeks, whatever i happened to have in my fridge or pantry.

- drizzle some olive oil in a large pot and throw in your veggies... allow to develop some color, season with salt and pepper if desired.  once your veggies have gotten a little tender and have browned a bit (this develops a TON of flavor), add your broth, some water (i added 2 cups to 4 cups of the stock), any added seasoning you'd like and leftover chicken from dinner the night before :)  this last batch i didn't have any chicken, so it was just potatoes and veggies and it was still so delicious.  the broth is just scrumptious with all of the spices from the rub plus the lemons and garlic... so so good!

let this picture confirm it's deliciousness (they weren't even posing, promise):

hope you enjoy!  it's the perfect thing on a cold winter's day... good thing i have another chicken sitting in my fridge... :)

dear emmy.

dear emmy,

oh my fiesty littlest love.

you sure do keep us on our toes.  you've had us laughing with your silly sense of humor since you were the teeniest babe.  and that has not changed.  

the minute you wake up in the morning, you are asking me to help take off your pajamas so you can put on a dress.  and usually not just any dress.  but one made out of tulle like you are ready to go to a party... when we are probably just headed to target.  but it doesn't matter... you wear the same one--poofy and grey--every single day.  but you twirl and flutter about and ask us if you look pretty as if it was the first time you wore it.  

every single day.

you are a little obsessed with being "pretty", so we talk to you a lot about what makes people beautiful.  you throw a huge fit if we even dream of putting you in pants... so we tell you all the time it's your heart that makes you beautiful; how you love and treat others, and because you are loved by God.  

but still, you hate pants.

i asked you the other day why you were so cute.  your little face lit up and your eyes got wide and you said "because God did that for me!"  you are adorable.

as girly as you are, you have a little boy sense of humor.  you love talking about butts and all-things-potty and you laugh and giggle like it's the funniest thing you've ever heard.  we keep telling you that you'll be spending a lot of time in the "time out" chair at school next year if you talk like that...and then you don't think it's so funny (but meanwhile we sometimes have to turn our backs to secretly laugh because of some of the things you come up with)...

speaking of school, you're excited but a little nervous.  we've gone into sissy's classroom at school to help out with a few things and you always cling to my side.  you were telling me the other day that you felt scared and when i asked you why you said "because those kids will see me!!!"  you're very sensitive about people "seeing you".  you're also just very sensitive in general.  you can cry at the drop of a hat because of being hurt by something... sometimes it's that it's my night to put bella to bed ("you ALWAYS put bella to bed and never me!!!"), and daddy and i always rotate each night... or that bella sits in my lap on a saturday morning ("bella ALWAYS gets to sit in your lap and you don't want me to!!!") when you get to sit in my lap the three mornings it's just me and you while bella's at school.  the other day you and bella were working on valentines together and something hurt your feelings.  you burst out into tears and told daddy and i "bella tore my heart!!!" (only in your cute little voice it sounded more like "bewwa towe my hauwt!!!"  we thought she had ripped up your valentine and you said "no!  my heart in my belly!"  and you REALLY meant it.  

you are a TOTAL mama's girl.  it wears on me sometimes because i can rarely do anything without you crying for me, but i know i will miss it someday too.  i love our days together and really treasure them because i know it won't be long until you're in school every day.  you go to miss alicia's house on the two days i work and you LOVE it.  they are a family that we are friends with from church and they have a little boy named jovan who is a little younger than you.  you do fun crafts and go on little trips and just love miss alicia.  and jovan is your best buddy.  i'm so thankful that you love them and are so well taken care of when i can't be with you.

you LOVE going places.  every day you that you are home with me, you have to have a run down of exactly what we are going to do.  "mama, what's aftah this nap?" when i answer you, you say "what's aftah the otha nap?"  everything is a "nap"... there's no "bedtime" to you.  if i say we're just hanging out at home you do NOT like it.  you love being in the car and being on the go... anytime we're headed in certain directions, you figure out where we're going and you'll get so excited: "mama! this is meme's paf!" (path).  everyone we know has a "path"... including target (because we go there so often).

you are a little boss... you correct your big sister all the time, and love to tell her what to do.  the minute she tries to do the same to you, you are quick to say "bella, don't tell me what to do."  and my goodness, are we in the throws of "threeness".  somedays you test my patience so terribly.  if i tell you to do something that you don't like, or tell you "no", you are quick to cross your arms, pout your lips and stomp off.  we've really had to come down on correcting your attitude and it's taken a lot of work and diligence.  you love slamming your door when you are angry, and sometimes you just scream because you are mad.  phew.  it's not always pretty, but we are determined to get you through this stage!

your favorite thing to eat is probably bacon... you also love nuts, which is so funny.  you sneak them all the time out of the pantry or off the counter.  you LOVE your gymnastics class that you go to each week and you love your baby dolls and stuffed animals.  there is constantly babies laying all over your room, each one has a pillow and is covered by a blanket.  i was about to put you down for a nap the other day and i heard smacking noises, so i tip toed to peek into your room and you were making your rounds, kissing each one on the head.  i always tell you you're going to be such a good little mama.  you love the show "goldie and bear" and "sofia the first" is still one of your favorites.  you know every word to just about every song.  you are still obsessed with your bunny and treat it as if it's your best buddy.  for a while you had nicknamed him "buns" and it was so cute.  your favorite treat is to go to target and get a soft pretzel, which we do on almost a weekly basis.  it's your thing.  you love watching cooking shows with me and you're a pest to put to bed.  but you always want us to sing "holy, holy, holy" and i just love that.  

i will really miss your chubby cheeks and how they feel warm against my face after you wake up from a nap.  i'll miss your sweet little voice and how you can't pronounce your "r's"...and how you will point do different women or girls and say "i like she" instead of "her".  you're just such a blessing to me, emmy faith, and i tell you that all the time.  i may lose my patience with you sometimes in this trying stage you are in right now, but you will always be my sunshine... you stole my heart the moment i looked into your eyes and you will have it forever.

i love you so much, my sweet girl.  always know how special you are and how beautiful you are to us.

love you to the moon and back (and back and back),

mama

what's for breakfast this morning {pear berry crisp}.

i love breakfast.  it's what gets me out of bed in the morning... and i especially love it on the weekends.  and snow days.

don't get me wrong; i love eggs and bacon.  but being on day 23 of the whole thirty i have been a little tired of eggs for breakfast every.single.day.

scrambled eggs.  fried eggs.  hard boiled eggs.  egg muffins.  eggs.  eggs.  eggggggssss.

i used to love making cinnamon rolls and muffins and yummy treats for breakfasts every once and a while and i'm not going to lie: i've missed all of those things.  so, when a snow day seemed to be in the forecast yesterday, i went to the store the night before and whipped up this delicious fruit crisp from the "against all grain" cookbook.

oh my deliciousness.

(if you don't have this cookbook and you eat paleo, gluten free or grain free, you need it.)

this fruit crisp is SO good and doesn't have any sugar other than the fruit and dates.  it tastes so much like a traditional fruit crisp it feels like you're cheating.  but you're not.  it would be good for dessert or breakfast... or a snack... or any time of the day.

pear berry crisp

* 3 lbs. red pears, peeled and sliced
* 2 c. blueberries
* 1 c. blackberries (the original recipe calls for 2 c. blackberries and 1 c. blueberries, but i liked this combo better for us)
* 1 T. lemon juice
* 2 t. coconut flour
* 1/4 t. sea salt
* 1/4 t. cinnamon
* 1/4 t. all spice

topping:

* 2 T. coconut oil in solid form
* 2/3 c. raw almonds
* 2/3 c. raw pecans
* 4 dates, pitted (I used the medjool kind)
* 2 T. shredded, unsweetened coconut
* 1 1/2 t. cinnamon
* 1/4 t. sea salt

- preheat oven to 375.
- place pears and berries in bowl and add the rest of the filling ingredients.  mix together and place in a 1 quart baking dish greased with coconut oil.
- put the topping ingredients in a food processor and pulse until nuts are chopped and it resembles a course oat mixture.  sprinkle topping evenly over fruit.
- bake for 35 minutes, or until juices are bubbling and crisp is golden brown.

YUM!  this has lasted us for a few days, too, so it's something great to have on hand for ready to go breakfasts (or as i said, snacks, dessert, etc).

these are the kinds of things that get me excited about eating healthy :)  enjoy!

what's for dinner tonight {almond crusted chicken}.

so, today is day fifteen of my whole thirty and i'm feeling great!  i fought a little bit of a bug for a few days, but am thankfully feeling much better.  i feel more energetic, have been full throughout the day while eating less... and just all around really really good!!  nick and i have each lost around eleven pounds which is pretty insane considering it's only been fifteen days.

and really, that's an added bonus to feeling healthier.  but hey, it's one i'll gladly take.

i can honestly say i've LOVED the food we've eaten the last fifteen days.  i absolutely love to cook and make food for my loved ones... and that was one of my biggest hesitations about starting the whole thirty.  i love making homemade bread for my family twice a week... i love surprising them with chocolate chip cookies or their favorite dinners, and loving how the women in my family taught me to... through food.  but i'm just learning to readjust the way i look at food and caring for my family... and there will still be time for homemade goodies, but serving them healthy food definitely feels great.

especially when it's something they like.  which is sometimes...difficult.

the girls have been eating whatever i make for dinner... we have a rule in our house that what's on the table is what's for dinner, they can take it or leave it but mama is not a short order cook.  we've gotten through a lot of pickiness this way... the girls aren't allowed to say they don't like something until they've tried it.  while they still have their bouts of pickiness... and there have been many nights i get tired of hearing "ewwww i'm NOT eating this!" that is for sure.  but, it has been so fun for me to watch them try different veggies, discover new things they like and gobble up fish and homemade chicken soup asking for seconds and thirds.  i love that.  and it kind of makes all of the whining and complaining worth it.

kind of.

this recipe is one that was totally loved by my girls... which makes it kid-tested and whole thirty approved.  while i think it would be better pan-fried, it's obviously much healthier baked and still fit the bill when i wanted something that felt like a bit of a cheat meal.  a good alternative to chicken fingers, and totally grain free.

almond crusted chicken

* chicken tenderloins or breasts (i cut four chicken breasts into strips)
* 2 c. almond flour or meal
* 4 eggs
* 2 t. garlic powder
* 1 t. onion powder
* 1/2 - 1 t. cayenne pepper
* 1/4 t. pepper
* 1/2 t. salt
* 1/4 t. chili powder

- grease a sheet pan by brushing with olive oil and preheat oven to 350.
- combine the flour, spices and seasonings in a shallow dish.  crack eggs into another shallow dish and whisk.
- coat each chicken strip in eggs and then dredge through flour mixture... then repeat.  i liked double dipping so that the coating was nice and thick and stayed on well.
- arrange chicken strips evenly over sheet pan and spray or drizzle with olive oil.  bake for 20 minutes, then flip and bake for 20 more, or until chicken is done and coating is golden brown.  i might play around with the cooking time a bit... the coating took longer to brown up than the chicken took to cook, but overall this was a good recipe and my kids LOVED it!  (so did their parents).

i served mine with grilled cauliflower that i turned into rice, and asparagus.  so good!  you can also create your own dipping sauce as well... i'll post the ranch recipe i use soon... you'll want to put it on everythinggggg.

this is one whole thirty recipe your kids can get behind.  let me know if you try it!

why whole thirty.

if you would have told me even a few months ago that i would purposely be living in a world void of bread and cheese i would have laughed at you.  for real.

bread and cheese = my happy place.

actually... scratch that.  FOOD was my happy place.  and let me tell you a little bit about the reason why (besides the fact that i love it... and that will never change).

i've always loved food.  i love cooking and baking and being in the kitchen with my girls, passing my passion onto them.  i love the memories and traditions and celebrations associated with food.  i love the beauty of it, the enjoyment of it, the sharing of it with friends and family.  and like i said, that will never change.  why?  because that's not the unhealthy part.

i'm a big believer in enjoying food.  i will never ever believe that god created food merely for fueling our bodies.  i believe we can--and should--enjoy what we eat and the act of eating with others.

but for me, food became more than just that... it became something that controlled me.  it became something that comforted me, a way that i both medicated AND rewarded myself.  and although i realized it was happening, i didn't really have the energy to fight back or care that much about it.  after all, i ran and worked out, ate relatively healthy and although i wanted to lose the extra weight left from my pregnancies, i didn't think i looked like food totally controlled me... so, why upset the apple cart, right?  let's face it: allowing yourself to have binges where you can eat what you want and however much you want feels pretty.darn.awesome.

until it doesn't.

so many factors lead to where i found myself and how i related to food.  when i was first pregnant with emmy, my dad's health began spiraling rapidly... i was scared and felt so out of control watching my sweet dad become a totally different person, and all of these horrible things happening to his body.  he ended up being admitted to mass general hospital in boston and was there for six weeks before he died.  looking back, i realize this was where so much of my unhealthy relationship with food started.  we'd travel to boston every weekend (sometimes we'd get a call in the middle of the week from a doctor telling us to come quickly) and we'd cram fast food while we drove... after stressful, scary, sad visits with my dad, we'd walk to the north end in boston and soothe our sorrows with italian food in a futile attempt to help us feel better or comfort us in some way.  after my dad's passing, my mom's home was constantly filled with food as people graciously cooked for us, and i continued finding solace in casseroles, associating comfort with food.

at that point, food became not only a medication of some sort but it also became a reward.  i was a young mom of a baby and an active toddler five days a week, and two days a week i was counselor to a hundred and fifty kids who needed me in various ways as well.  in so many different areas of my life i found myself in the role of caregiver... and i slowly began neglecting myself and losing more and more control over who i was and how i was hurting.  after an especially crazy day at work, i'd stop at mcdonalds on my way home and get a vanilla ice cream cone--because, well, I DESERVED IT!  and before i knew it, because every day is a crazy day when you work at a school, i was "rewarding" myself on a nearly daily basis.  ben and jerry's became my therapists.  which worked out awesome (if you've had half baked, then you understand) until i realized i was about to turn thirty five and my metabolism was NOT getting any faster.  if i continued in this unhealthy cycle of self-medicating and rewarding... how much would i weigh when i was eighty?!

that was a motivating image.  yikes.

beyond wanting to have a healthy mindset on food again, i also wanted to have a healthy mindset on myself.  anyone who has been through loss will understand when i say: grief wreaks havoc on your mind, soul, body and spirit.  i don't think i realized how bad i felt until i started getting better in this last year or so... there were so many nights i cried myself to sleep and so many days i was too depressed to get out of bed.  but i didn't have time to feel sad or manage my feelings; i had too many people who needed me... who depended on me... and that's where the problem was.  i knew that i needed to be caring for myself... for my soul... for my body... so that i could love and serve others the way i desired to.  i didn't want to miss out on god's story for me.  i wanted to feel better emotionally, physically and spiritually and i was finally ready to do whatever it took to do it.

a friend of mine from college had blogged about her whole thirty experience and it totally intrigued me.  i had healed so much over the last year, but the food-battle was one i still had yet to conquer.  so,  after a little research, i decided to jump into this crazy journey... and oh my word, i'm so glad i did!

if you're not familiar with the whole thirty, it's basically a stricter version of clean eating... it's grain free, dairy free, sugar free, no legumes... basically, lots of meat, fish, veggies, nuts, eggs and fruit for thirty days.  i'm less than halfway through and already i love this way of eating.  i feel empowered, not controlled, full of energy and am better able to engage in my daily tasks and even my relationships with others.  i know it sounds crazy after just a few days, but it's been almost laughable the difference i've seen already.  i've always been a generally happy person (aside from battling seasons of depression), but i was telling my husband the other day that i felt so happy and energetic it was almost like i was high on something...not even kidding.  food tastes better, i'm getting great sleep and weight that hasn't budged in a couple of years is melting away.  i really couldn't be happier.

intrigued?  that's how it started for me!  here are a couple of ideas of what i eat for my meals and how you can get started... it has honestly been life changing for me, and i'm not even halfway done.

breakfasts:

- egg muffins
i sauté veggies in a bit of olive oil and spoon them into the wells of my brownie pan or muffin tin.  i whisk together 12 eggs with a bit of water, about 1/2 t to 1 t of baking powder and season with salt and pepper.  pour over veggies and bake until done.  i eat these with roasted potatoes and they stick with me all morning long!

- smoothies
your favorite combinations of fruit with banana, unsweetened coconut milk and chia seeds and you've got a healthy breakfast on the go!

- bacon and sausage
make sure you use nitrate free all natural bacon (read your labels!) and chicken sausage (i use this variety... check your labels to make sure there's not sugar hiding in them!)

- hashes and scrambles
saute potatoes, peppers and onion together with scrambled eggs, or top a hash with fried eggs... so good and filling!

- black coffee
i never thought i'd see the day... i love my coffee, and i love it with half and half and little bit of sugar.  but i've gotten to where i enjoy it black, which is totally crazy.

lunches:

- cabbage and veggie stew
i make a big pot of this each week and portion it out into containers to store in the fridge for quick and easy lunches.  i literally crave this soup which is beyond weird, but it's good and super healthy... this is the recipe i use, and you can play with it adding different veggies and seasonings.

- salads with homemade ranch dressing
this dressing makes the entire whole thirty doable.  not even joking.  it's so good on veggies for snacking, or on salads.  i love making big salads with grilled chicken or all natural turkey with lots of veggies, avocado, nuts, hard boiled egg... good stuff.

- turkey wraps
we buy all natural turkey from our grocery store and a head of bibb lettuce and make wraps!  easy and delicious.  you can also make chicken salad with homemade mayo although i have yet to conquer getting mine to emulsify in my freezing cold kitchen in mid-january in maine... i'm open to suggestions...

- leftovers!
i usually try to keep leftovers from our meals so that i can have lunch ready to go for the next day.  i've been way less hungry than i thought i would be, and am eating smaller portions for dinner (no seconds), so leftovers work out really well for lunches!

dinners:

- one pan roasted dinners
this one was a huge hit in our house (even for our girls!) i omitted the honey and it was whole thirty compliant AND delicious!!  this one was salmon but could easily be done with other meats or fish

- curries!
my new fav.  we love this thai shrimp curry from the daniel plan and serve it up over roasted potatoes or cauliflower rice.  YUM.  so good it makes your nose run. (sub arrowroot for cornstarch... it's gluten free and you can find it in the health food section at your grocer... i used the bob's red mill variety).

- cobb salad
again, with the salads... but i'm obsessed.  and, luckily for me, cobb salad is one of my favorite foods ever.  lettuce, tomato, avocado, hardboiled egg, nitrate free bacon and the ranch recipe i liked above... you've got yourself a delicious dinner and you won't even miss the cheese.

- burrito bowls
slow cook a pork roast in your crockpot all day with some seasonings.  shred and serve with lettuce, tomatoes, avocado, peppers, onions, and a whole thirty compliant salsa (watch the sugar!)... delish.

- avocado burgers
use lean, organic beef and season with your favorite spices and dicd onion... grill up and serve on bibb lettuce with tomato and avocado... serve with roasted crispy potatoes and you've got yourself a whole thirty compliant burger and fries :)

snacks:

- larabars!
i'm obsessed.  they cost a fortune; almost literally.  but it's worth it to have something quick and easy on the go. my all time fav is coconut cream pie: so good.

- fruit and veggies
obviously.

- almond butter
so good with an apple or banana.  also helps satisfy the need for something sweet.

- nuts
cashews are my new best friend.

- tea
six words: harney & sons hot cinnamon sunset.  you guys.  it's amazing.  and literally feels so soothing to drink especially here in snowy maine.  i like mine at night before i go to bed... it takes the hunger edge off and seriously tastes like melted red hot candies in a mug.  so so good.  and their teas come in cute tins.  go get some ASAP!

- la croix
i'm still working on loving this unsweetened sparkling water, but it fits the bill when you're tired of just drinking water and need to spice it up a bit.  i found this at target, and they have several flavors, i got grapefruit.

not a snack, but a really great tip/product that has helped me tons: probio5, a probiotic from plexus.  i started this before christmas and immediately felt joint pain improve and cravings for sweets change to cravings for healthy foods (crazy).  i went through the die off symptoms (flu-like and crazy dizziness) a couple of weeks after i started, so i didn't have as much of that when i started the whole thirty.  but i love, love, love this product and am so thankful i found it.

i'll be posting our favorite recipes as we continue this journey (yes, my husband is doing it with me!).  it's been fun experimenting with different foods and trying new recipes.  it does take a lot of prep but it's totally worth it.  so excited to be on a journey of taking better care of myself and keeping a proper perspective on food... i want to claim health this year in ALL areas of my life...

and kick year thirty five out of the park :)

looking ahead.

january.

both the end of the christmas season and the start of a brand new year.  it always feels a little depressing to me, and invigorating at the same time.

this week, we've all dragged ourselves forward--a little reluctantly--into the post-christmas-vacation-life.  it's been a week of the dreaded alarm clock, whiny children (and parents), to do lists and me apologizing to my husband on a nightly basis for falling asleep during one of our netflix binges.  it's getting ridiculous.

but mama is tired.

at the start to every year, instead of thinking more about what i'd like to accomplish, i tend to reflect on what the last year has looked like.  treasuring all of the memories made...all of the different snapshots in time that i want to hold onto.

and this year, there were many.

snowstorms and gardens growing.  little hands covered with flour from helping mama bake.  picking roses from the flower beds and taking trips to the beach.  first soccer games and gymnastics classes.  watching their faces light up at disneyland and pool time amidst the palm trees.  catching starfish and chasing fireflies.  surprise road trips through snowy new england countrysides and finding golden tickets at town easter egg hunts.  baby girl's tap shoes and ballet skirts.  jumping in leaves and catching snowflakes on our tongues.  prayers to follow jesus whispered out of childlike faith.

it's been a great year.  one of the best, actually.

as i've reflected on this last year, it has been one of healing and restoration; where the lord has so graciously soothed my heart in so many ways.  he has brought light back into my life, after so many years of walking through darkness.  it's been a season in my life where he has sweetly reminded me that the god who has walked with my through the valleys and climbed the mountaintops by my side, will always be there... holding me, loving me, and graciously redeeming me no matter what.

the past eleven years of my life have brought such pain and darkness.  as i look back... from my dad's diagnosis of a fatal disease, to watching sickness rob me of my sweet dad, to his time in the hospital and eventually his passing... i see how these years of fear, uncertainty and pain have chipped away at my soul, my faith in the lord, and the very nature of who i am.  there have been so many happy times to be sure: marrying the love of my life, watching my babies grow and making a home for our family... some of the most joy-filled times of my life... mingled with some of the most sorrow-filled ones too.  and all along, the lord was faithfully loving me, whispering his promises of restoration and hope to my broken heart.

and this past year, i was ready to listen.

i was ready to let go of my fears, my questions, my wrestling with the "whys" and "what ifs" and exchange them all for freedom.  for love.  for the hope of what's to come.

and i'm so grateful.

the other morning i was standing at the kitchen sink, wrists deep in suds.  emmy played quietly and music kept me company while i accomplished my otherwise monotonous daily tasks.  the song "good good father" began (chris tomlin), and suddenly emmy was at my side, begging me to pick her up.  "dance with me, mama!"  as i gathered her into my arms, and we swayed nose to nose, my heart was overwhelmed with thankfulness and tears spilled down my cheeks as i listened to these words:

"oh i've heard a thousand stories

of what they think you're like

but i've heard the tender whispers of love

in the dead of night

and you tell me that you're pleased

and that i'm never alone

oh and i've seen many searching 

for answers far and wide

but i know we're all searching 

for answers only you provide

cause you know just what we need

before we say a word

you're a good, good father

it's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are

and i'm loved by you

it's who i am, it's who i am, it's who i am

you are perfect in all of your ways

you are perfect in all of your ways

you are perfect in all of your ways

to us.

you're a good, good father."

as we start a new year, i'm so thankful for a god who heals the broken hearted.  who turns our ashes into beauty.  i'm thankful that although i don't know where the road will lead me in two thousand sixteen, i know the one who will be holding my heart every step of the way.  

and i'm so thankful for that hope as i look ahead in joyful expectation of what's to come.