almost 40 wks.

in many ways it seems like i've been pregnant for years. maybe because we are having our girls so close together. it's like i forget what how it feels to look down and be able to see my toes.

all in good time.

i cannot complain about this pregnancy. it's been so smooth with absolutely no complications. i've been very tired, and have had days here toward the end where i have been pretty uncomfortable but i'm so grateful for the past 40 weeks. the hope of this little girl has gotten me through some really tough times. the darkest times in my life, as a matter of fact, with losing my dad when emmy had been in my belly less than twenty weeks. i know god gave me the blessing of this pregnancy for so many reasons, but getting through my dad's death is definitely one of them.

god is good.

it's funny the differences between emmy in my womb and bella. bel moved alllll the time, and i felt her move for the very first time around fourteen weeks. she was constantly going crazy. i mean, waking me up in the middle of the night she was so squirmy. emmy has been a lot more chill. in fact, it scared me at first because she wasn't super active. especially compared to her big sis. but she's gotten a lot more busy here toward the end... and when she does move she makes it pretty obvious. i don't remember wincing when bella moved like i do with em! she's a strong little girl. bella had hiccups every night near the end... around 9 or 10 o'clock. we could set our watches to it. i don't know if emmy's had hiccups at all; or at least ones i've felt. weird. bella made me crave things more... and have stronger aversions. with emmy, i haven't been turned off to much, but i haven't craved much either. and i've gained just about the same amount of weight as i did with bel. right around fifty pounds. yikes. 30 day shred and jillian michaels, here i come.

this little one seems to be lounging quite comfortably inside of me. sometimes it hurts to sit because i feel her feet or legs all up in my ribs. or when i roll over at night onto my side, at times she doesn't want to move and makes it rather impossible for me to get comfortable. so back to the other side i roll.

i have fears about going over 40 weeks in my pregnancies due to some family history stuff; not because i just want to be comfortable and hold my baby, although i do (just a personal preference i guess)... so i got induced with bel a day before my due date and will do the same with emmy. as long as everything goes as planned april 23rd will be her birthday :) i'm nervous and anxious but so excited to experience childbirth again. as scary as it is to anticipate, it's also one of the most amazing things i've ever done and i can't wait to experience it with nick again. he's the best person to have by my side and made me fall in love with him all over again last time. so i'm choosing to dwell on all of those things as i prepare to bring my little girl into this world!

stay tuned... pics and birth story to come :)

dear emmy...

dear emmy,

you are now 27 weeks old in this belly of mine, and making your presence known by your kicks and wiggles. and i love feeling every single one of them.

you are clearly needing regular doses of chocolate milk, apples, cereal, crackers&cheese, lemon, cottage cheese, dried pineapple, grapes, bottled marinated italian veggies, chicken tiki masala, ice cream with caramel sauce and anything blueberry because that's what you are making your mama crave.

from our last sonogram about a month ago, you are already so beautiful and look so much like your older sister. she asks about you all the time, by the way. no matter how she acts when you get here, she loves you so much. she has a book on being a big sister and she calls it her "emmy book". she has a baby in her dollhouse who she refers to as emmy and hugs and kisses her allll the time (okay, she bites her and puts her in the oven too, but we'll go with the hugging/kissing thing). and the other day while she was eating her snack she said "i feed emmy animal crackers too?" she's very concerned about you already. she'll be a great big sister.

i got your first baby clothes the other day in the mail. i know you'll get to wear most of bella's old clothes, but i wanted you to have some special things that were just yours. i ordered you some the other day and was so excited to get them. i forget how small newborn clothes are. so cute.

you liked church today. i could feel you squirming around in there. you are up on stage with me a couple times a month when i sing on the worship team with your uncle brian. your sister loves watching us. i smile at the thought that you get to hear us from in my belly. you'll be hearing me sing a lot to you once you are here, so it's good to get used to ;)

you haven't made your mama too uncomfortable yet. thank you for that. although there have been a few times at night, or while trudging around the grocery store where i feel like i have to be at least 40 weeks along. you've made my belly quite a bit bigger than it was when i was pregnant with your sister! i think you just like making your space to lounge. i also haven't had as much heartburn this time, although just yesterday you gave me quite the stomach ache. it's okay, though.

emmy faith, i will always tell you that you were born "for such a time as this". your arrival in april gives us such hope and joy in a time of life that is sad and heavy. your bampy died in november, but he left us knowing that you were going to be coming to us in just a few months. he was so excited. knowing that you are on your way brings such excitement to our family and we know that god is bringing you into this world at such a perfect time.

for such a time as this.

i love you, my sweet girl! can't wait to see your precious face and hold you in my arms. you are such a blessing to us!

love,
your mama
xoxo

sisters, sisters...

there were never such devoted sisters... yes, yes it's true: i'm quoting the famous song from one of my beloved christmas movies "white christmas". nick&i watch it every.single.year. it's just one of those classics. when i was in college, my roommate and i would relentlessly torture our other bff with our singing of the "sisters" lyrics as we sat around the popcorn bowl taking in the old bing crosby flick.

while this song is silly, if you have a sister, there's a part of you that can relate to it. i mean, maybe not that whole dressing-up-in-electric-blue-dresses-and-singing-amidst-giant feathers-thing.

i guess what i mean is that you get what they're trying to say. there's something about having a sister that gives you in--many ways--an instant best friend. maybe not always, but i am thankful that is true in my life. this has not always been the case, of course. my sister, gretchen and i, are three and a half years apart. we used to fight relentlessly to the point that we would make our mom cry. my father used to tell us out of exasperation that if we didn't grow up to be friends he would feel like a failure. it was bad. we're enough alike, but also vastly different. not always a great combination.

but now, at 30 and 27 we can safely say that we are not only sisters, but best friends. and after all that our family has gone through over the past few months--or even the past few years since my dad's diagnosis--i can honestly say blessed is the girl who has a sister in whom she has found a friend.

today we found out that bella is having a sister :) i would've been so so happy with either a boy or a girl, i honestly just couldn't wait to find out what our little baby was and to be able to call him/her by name. but i do have so much joy in knowing that bella will have a sister because i know what a blessing it is (once you get past the fighting stage!). i'm going to be praying fervently that god would bless their relationship and grow it past sisterhood, and into a beautiful friendship.

emmy faith is the name we picked for our girl. emmy meaning "immense, entire, striving", which as a whole, her name represents to us "immense faith" which we love (especially with bella grace--or "beautiful grace"). bella has already been walking around the house saying "mama, daddy, emmy!" for months now... so i guess this just proves that she has been right all along.

i'm so thankful for this day, for this news, for this sweet baby girl. i'm so thankful that we got to share the news of our coming baby with my dad before he left this earth. i'm so thankful for the lord, in his perfect timing and faithfulness, that he knew we would need these babies "for such a time as this."

(did i mention that my sister is also pregnant?? yeah... a month ahead of me. and she is also having a girl, lucy. i guess it's a sister-thing) :)

little emmy, we were so overjoyed to see you today, to be able to call you by name! you are healthy which we praise god for and you are so beautiful... we've been praying for you and now we can pray more specifically--for god to be molding you into a lovely woman of jesus, for your life to have a specific calling and for you to be set apart for his purpose, and for your future husband someday wherever he may be. may you always KNOW how precious you are, and live your life with your head held high knowing you are valuable and worthy because you are HIS. we love you so much! only four more months until we can hold you.
love you with all my heart, your mama

a tribute.

last week we held services to pay tribute to my dad and to celebrate his life. it was amazing. wednesday night we held visiting hours, a time i was dreading... i just didn't know how i would emotionally be able to handle seeing people and hearing how much everyone was going to miss my father. as with everything else, god provided stamina (especially for me and my pregnant sister!) and grace. over three hundred people showed up that night to honor my father. some waited in line for almost two hours... others were turned away at the door due to the large crowd.

like i said, it was amazing.

old teachers, relatives, classmates, friends, fellow church goers and city business men weaved their way through that crowded room to tell my sister, mother and i just how much dad had impacted their lives. the proudest moment i had all night was when an older man came through the line. as he approached nick&i, he introduced himself "i was the janitor that used to clean your dad's old office. i've always missed him since he changed buildings." as he turned to walk away, i looked at nick and started to cry. you see, my dad changed office buildings a few years ago. and still, the man that used to be the janitor there had been touched enough by my dad to come that night to pay his respects.

one of my most proudest moments of my father was right then.

thursday morning was his memorial service. i like to refrain from calling it his "funeral". too depressing. dad would've hated that. all those who attended filled three rooms, one of them showing the service via satellite it was so crowded. together we laughed and cried... which was such an honest account of celebrating dad's life. joy of a blessed life, tinged with the sadness of losing a man too early.

gretchen and i each wrote a piece to honor dad, and our husbands somehow read them through tears of their own. here is what i wrote:

i'm not sure how to even begin trying to capture into words what my dad meant to me, or just how much i loved him. anyone who has spent any significant amount of time with me knows what a special relationship we had and how i respected and valued my father. the older i get, the more and more i realize what a rare and precious gift it is to have a father as wonderful as mine. although in recent days i've struggled with the fact that i was only able to be with him on this earth for thirty years, i thank jesus for blessing me with that season, no matter how short it seems.

my father made being our dad one of his biggest passions in life. i have such great memories of growing up with him… playing wiffle ball in the backyard, building snowmen and going sledding in the winter and shooting hoops in the driveway for many, many years. i can still remember the smell of his long, khaki colored business coat as we would run excitedly to the door and into his arms the minute he got home from work. he would tuck us into bed every single night, even into high school and spend time talking with us, praying for us and sharing things he thought were important. i remember him telling me “megan, life is all about relationships. always take time to invest in others.” this truth he not only imparted to me and my sister, but he made it his way of life. there have been countless people who have told us in the last week “i’m not sure what i’m going to do without gary. he was my rock.” and as my heart aches and tears fall down my face, i think to myself “i know exactly what you mean.” whenever i was upset or had a bad day, i would always feel better after talking with my dad. as i grew into adulthood, there were many a tearful phone call home to him; the constant person in my life i could always talk to and receive wisdom, comfort and encouragement. he would always say to me “it’s all going to work out.” and as i find myself at a loss of how to live the rest of my life without him, i can hear him telling me
these words and somehow it makes it a little bit easier.

most of all what i will always remember about my sweet dad was his faith in jesus. i can still hear his booming, bass voice singing strongly and steadily beside me at church… words of the old hymns that were the anchor of his faith. i remember waking up sometimes in the night to see the shadow of my dad in the doorway, and i knew he was reciting scripture over me, or silently praying. i wouldn’t be able to begin to count the times i saw my dad, kneeling beside his bed in prayer and what inner strength and peace that gave me… he made me always feel safe because i knew he was always talking to the lord, always seeking him in everything. as i grew older, he would tell me that he had been praying for my future husband from the time i was a baby. he poured so much time into prayer over the man i was going to marry and he just glowed with satisfaction at what he saw his prayers accomplish when he met nick. dad has left a tremendous legacy in me, in nick and i and our marriage, in our daughter bella and our baby on the way. though he never got to meet our new little one coming in april, his story will be woven into the threads of our family for years and years to come.

in his last day, we had many sweet moments with my dad. it was unimaginable to me to watch his disease take so much life and vibrancy away from him. someone who used to be so strong, who used to get everyone else through the tough times, who had the biggest hugs and the loudest laugh. god gave us all so much grace as we watched him take our father home. one of my most precious memories was the evidence of his heart for the lord right up until the very end. despite all that he had endured for the past seven years, despite everything that had been taken away from him, he never lost his deep, deep faith in his savior. with gretchen on one side of his hospital bed, and me on the other, we began to hear my fathers voice in a weak shout of words, a joyful smile lit up his face. as i strained into hear what he was saying, i could hear the song “oh how i love jesus, oh how i love jesus, oh how i love jesus because he first loved me.” followed by this line from one of his favorite hymns “his eye is on the sparrow” he sang: “i sing because I’m happy, i sing because i’m free…”

how much peace and joy that memory gives to me. dad’s unending love for jesus was there until the very end, and now he is with him face to face, for all eternity. i know that if his story would move anyone to come to know jesus as their lord and savior, dad would’ve willingly given up his life. that’s how much he loved his lord… that’s how much he loved others.

i love you, dad. i know that “it’s all going to work out.” and i trust that i will be with you again
someday soon… in the blink of an eye. though you will be missed, you will never be forgotten. my life is forever changed because you were my father.

thank you, i love you,
meg

tomorrow nick&i go for our twenty week sonogram to find out if baby #2 is a boy or a girl. dad couldn't wait for this news... he told me the day he passed away how excited he was to find out. i know he'll be rejoicing with us, but it still is hard to know he won't be here... i won't see his face light up with excitement, eyes widen as he lets out an exuberant "yessss!" over hearing the gender of his fourth grandbaby. but i know he'll be doing some fist pumps from heaven, that is for sure :)

i can't think of a better tribute to my father than seeing hundreds of people cry and rejoice over his passing from this earth, onto his heavenly home. i'm such a proud, proud daughter. i always knew my father was loved and respected... seeing the lives impacted by my father was so very moving for me. and somehow it eased a bit of the weight of the grief i've been feeling. although he only lived fifty two years, he touched more lives in his short time on earth than many touch in a lifetime.

and that's what dad thought was the most important.

my dad wasn't esteemed by others exclusively because of his success, his popularity, his earthly accomplishments... he was esteemed by others because he was all about people. he lived his life in a way that the janitor from his old office building several years ago would wait in line for two hours to offer his condolences to my dad's family.

and that is what makes my father so amazing. and nothing--not even death--can ever take that away.

bella's got some news.

yep. it's true. our little miss is going to be a big sister sometime around april 27th :) it's been a little tough for me to blog lately without spilling the beans that i am with child, not to mention making excuses as to why i've been slacking in craft projects, cooking and other noteworthy blog-items of interest. but now you know, blog friends, now you know :)

so now that the news is out, let me process this pregnancy thus far. i'm ten weeks along, and we go for our first ultrasound next friday! this time around has been quite a bit different than when i was growing bella in my belly :) speaking of belly, last time i didn't wear maternity clothes until at least twenty weeks... this time? wearing maternity jeans at about eight. yeah, i guess its true what everyone says: you show a lot faster the second time around! i haven't been as nauseous as i was with bel, morning sickness really only lasted about two to three weeks this time with no major food aversions other than mushrooms (which i had with bella) and eggs (also had with bel). i couldn't stand the smell of coffee or grilled chicken a couple of weeks ago, and while i'm certainly not pining away for any grilled chicken, i have managed to eat chicken just fine this time around, while last time it took me until the third trimester to be able to handle it. aaaaand i'm back into the swing of coffee which i have missed. decaf, of course.

i've had most of the same cravings as i had last time... so far, they are as follows:

-chocolate milk

-cereal

-cheese everything

-taco bell (seven layer burritos to be exact)

-grapes

-watermelon

-cinnamon everything

-mexican, chinese and italian... apparently this wee one does not discriminate and is rather culturally diverse in terms of taste

i am due a month apart from my sister, who is also pregnant again... so there will be cousins even closer in age in round two... so fun :)

we could not be more excited about growing our family and bella being able to be a big sister; she's so into babies right now, which is *perfect timing*! can't wait to see what god has in store for us on this journey... and i am vowing to completely embrace it, fully love this baby as it grows in me and savor every moment, without fear or reservation. when i was pregnant with bella, i struggled alot with fear. i think i tried to protect myself too much thinking "what if something happens? what if something goes wrong?" that i didn't fully allow myself to enjoy my pregnancy as much as i could have.

i don't want to do that this time.

{sweet little baby, we are SO excited to meet you! we know god has special plans for your life, whatever those may be. daddy&i put our hands on my belly every night and pray for you... for your growth & development, your health, your life and what you will become... we can't wait to be your parents! and your sister? she's so excited to meet you... even if she doesn't know it yet :) we love you!}