someday.

to my sweet, sweet girls.

today, you are so little.  you look to daddy and me to take care of every need that you have.  you ask for our kisses on your scrapes and bruises.  you love to snuggle on our laps.  and your whole world is all about what happens in this cozy little home of ours.

you twirl around in tulle and ruffles, shoes mismatched on either foot.  cares and worries that weigh down your mind are limited to being able to find a princess dress to wear, or if your favorite pair of pajamas are in the laundry (which, i will tell you now... they probably are).  i love watching you experience the world in such carefree beauty and pure innocence.

your daddy is your hero.  you reach up toward him with longing arms, ready to be swept up and secure.  you gaze at him with admiration sparkling in your eyes; you beg him to chase you and the air fills with shrieks and giggles as you circle through the hallway, your little feet pounding the floor.  little do you know right now, but you are watching him; learning you are valuable because of his love for you.  seeing how he loves your mama, how he dances with me through the kitchen and sings into my ear... and someday, when you're much older, you may think about a man you want to live this life with... and i hope you'll think of your daddy and me.

we are definitely not perfect and have a whole lot to learn, and things that we constantly have to change.  but our goal is to be an example for you of what you may want someday.  an example of two imperfect people that choose to love god and one another every single day.  who mess up, who laugh together, who forgive, and who love wholeheartedly.  i wanted to share with you a few things we have learned along the way, and other pieces of advice that wise people have told us.  someday, you may make one of the biggest decisions of your life when you choose to say yes (or no) to someone who asks you to be his wife.  and i would not be doing my job as a mother if i didn't give you a few things to consider or put into practice.  someday.

don't make marriage your number one.  make being a godly, kindhearted, good person your number one.  enjoy life, have fun, go after your dreams and seek to grow in the lord.  this should be your number one.  i heard someone say once that you should run the race of this life that is set out before you, with your eyes focused on jesus, and at some point, if you look over and see someone running with you... well, there may be your teammate.  but don't ever run after anyone.  you are precious and valuable... run after god and the rest will fall into place.  be confident in the woman that you are; how you are gifted, what you love to do, your life passions... don't wait for a man to define who you are.  you are beautiful, unique and special and so worthy; not because of being a "mrs", but because the lord of the universe thinks so.

be a good friend and value relationships.  you will hear us say this your entire childhood, but daddy and i so strongly believe in the importance of relationships.  we each had strong friendships in place before we ever met each other, and we've often said if one of us didn't, what a huge red flag that would have been.  friendships teach us how to love someone else, how to resolve conflict, how to receive criticism, how to spur one another on through good times and bad.  hold fast to those friendships; don't give them up when you begin to fall in love, or when you get married.  your husband is not meant to fulfill all of your needs, and you aren't meant to satisfy all of his.  girlfriends have a unique and special place in your life; value them.  and if a man doesn't have good friendships with other guys in his life, consider why.  the absence of friendship or the ability to stick in a friendship long term *may* be indicative of other character flaws that you may not see.

seek advice and wisdom from others, and be humble and teachable.  when you're young and in love, it will sometimes feel as if you can take on the world.  it's easy to get swept up in romance, therefore it's even more crucial to have people in your life to hold you accountable and breathe perspective into your floating-on-a-cloud-world.  to ask you the hard questions.  to help walk you through the ups and downs of bringing two lives together.  and, if the man you are with doesn't think he needs to seek (or heed) the advice of others, pay attention to that too.  there's a lot to be said for a man with humility, let me tell you this.  when daddy and i were engaged, we spent six months meeting with a much more seasoned married couple.  they went through a book with us, spent time sharing with us, challenging us and imparting invaluable truths that have impacted our marriage to this day.  people who have been married longer than you, well they know more and have experienced more.  pay attention.  listen.  heed.  take what you like and leave the rest.

have fun.  be comfortable as you are dating.  whoever you marry should be your best friend.  it's not always easy, but it should be fun, comfortable and you should be able to laugh.  a lot.  eat cheeseburgers at midnight, sit in the rain while it messes up your hair, wear sweats and no make up and find ease in trusting god with your heart as you seek to know more about the man that has your attention.  and don't be afraid to eat off his plate, even on your first date.  i totally did that with your daddy, and look where we are today.  some things are meant to get right out in the open and us cornwell girls, well, we like our food.

finally, whomever you choose to walk through this life with, make sure he makes you a better person.  make sure he values you with his entire being; and cherish him just as much.  love his family and his friends, and become a part of his world.  and make sure that he in turn values the things and people that are important to you.  also: remember that it's not all about you! relationships and marriage is give and take.  make sure that you aren't taking more than you are giving, and vice versa.  challenge and admonish one another with love; marriage is a powerful tool in which god makes us look more and more like him.  you should marry someone not only because you love them; but because you are convinced that you can serve the lord better with him by your side, than without.  

marriage it's not always easy, and it is hard work.  but it's also beautiful and life giving when we are seeking after the one who holds our hearts.

someday, instead of twirling in circles in a dress with pink sequins and a tulle skirt, you may be walking toward a man in a dress made of white.  someday, instead of brushing your hair off your forehead at bedtime and singing you your favorite song, your daddy may be handing you off to another man; one who has promised to take his place in being your protector, your hero, your love.  someday seems very far off, but i know it is much closer than i'd like to think.  so for now, i will continue to kiss your scraped up knees and hold your sweet faces in my hands, telling you just how much i love you.  i will continue loving your daddy with every fiber of my being, asking for forgiveness when i've done wrong, and seeking to respect him for the man that he is.  because i know that someday is right around the corner, and i want to pour my heart into preparing you for what's to come, and raising you to be women that follow after the heart of jesus.

"someday" begins with our everyday.  i am with you and for you.  and i take such great joy in being your mom and the wife of your dad.  

love you to the moon and back (and back and back),
mama

days of gratitude: {2} my husband.

i can't even begin to describe in words how thankful i am for the man that i married.

i was twenty seven when we said "i do".  after visiting one of my lifelong friends in dallas when i was twenty four, i decided on a whim to move to the lonestar state.  why not?  i went to grad school, lived with a few girl friends, got a job at an awesome church and was told by several of my coworkers about this guy named nick, who they thought was my future husband.

turned out they were right.

i can't imagine my life apart from this man.  we make a good team, he and i. and the bottom line is, i just really love being with him.  he is loving, tender hearted and the most likeable guy there is.  if you run into him, you're likely to see a huge smile across his face.  that's just who he is, and one of the many reasons i love him so much.

everything he does in life centers around loving others, and doing what he can to impact those around him.  from the day i met him, he knew he wanted to be a coach and a teacher because of the opportunity it was to reach out to so many kids.  i respect so much that his career choices were not driven by money or status, but by how god wants to use him to influence young lives and to make a difference in this world.  any time i attend his school for an event, i'm stopped by several parents or other students telling me how much they love and appreciate my husband.  it makes me so proud. 

a couple of weeks ago, the girls and i were at one of nick's football games.  this was his second year assisting the football team where he teaches.  he loves it, and so do i... i love seeing him in his element, pouring his heart into a group of young men that look up to him and respect him so much.  after this particular game, the girls and i ran out on the field as we always do, and i stopped for a second as a sea of his players gathered around him, taking turns shaking his hand, hugging him and telling him "thanks, coach" or "love you, coach".  tears began stinging my eyes.  football can be a long season for all of us and means less time as a family for a couple of months, but that moment right there made everything worth it.  it was such a testament to who nick is, and yet another reason why i respect him so much.

sometimes, while we're playing with the girls, i think back to when people first mentioned him to me and were so convinced that we were meant for each other.  i can't help but smile and think how crazy it is that we are where we are today.

so thankful for the life we have been given.  beyond thankful for the father he is to our girls.  forever thankful for the love of a good, good man.

five years.

last week nick&i celebrated five years of marriage.  i can't believe it's been five years, it's flown by... and yet, i can't believe it's only been five years because it's hard for me to remember life apart from him.

the last five years of my life have represented the tangled web of pain and joy that is this life.  the beauty of the mountaintops... and the empty brokenness of the valleys.  we have felt it all.  and honestly?  i'm so thankful.  definitely not for what has caused our pain and grief and struggle.. but for how god has used it to cement us even closer together.  our marriage is not built on butterflies and romance which is fickle and fleeting... but on what god has brought us through together and how he has continually deepened our love for one another.  teammates.  for life.

on our wedding day, one of the most amazing details was something that was not planned by us.  actually, it could have never been orchestrated by anyone other than god.  throughout the duration of our ceremony, an eagle circled over the exact spot we exchanged our vows.  several of our friends and family told us about how beautiful it was.  to us, it was a god thing.  his reminder that he was there, in the midst of us.

the morning after our wedding, i woke up as the sunlight first crept in through our windows.  contended and happy, i laid in bed next to my sleeping husband and relived the events of the day.  when i thought of the eagle flying above, god immediately brought to my mind isaiah 40:29-31:

"he gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the lord will renew their strength.  they will soar on wings as eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

as we began our new life together that day, i was comforted by those words; by the sign i felt like god had given us.  life is hard.  but he would be with us each step of the way.

the past five years have proven that to be true.  loss of loved ones, a move across the country, grief, change, fear of the unknown, financial struggles... and yet woven through all of the difficult times, the birth of two gorgeous babies, the provision of jobs we absolutely love, unexpected blessings, the purchase of our first home, watching god build a beautiful life for us... one we are so grateful for.

we celebrated our anniversary by a little getaway to bar harbor, one of our favorite places.  it's a quaint little village on the coast where nick proposed to me almost 6 years ago, so it's very special to us.  it was rainy and gloomy most of the time we were there but we didn't care.  that made it more cozy.  we didn't have set-in-stone plans... there was so much beauty in just roaming the streets and not having to take note of the time. one of our best trips ever!

  

the quaintest, quirkiest coffee shop we found; definitely a new favorite

us

walking by the water

nick & his cigar ;)

love it when strangers volunteer to take pictures!

the shore path we love to walk

town square & cherry trees

love this old new england style church

our hotel balcony

 

ahhhhh....

before dinner

ocean shot

i've always loved this fountain

 so grateful for you, nick; i love you more today than ever and i can't wait to see god's story for us continue to unfold.  thanks for asking me to walk this journey with you.  i'm forever blessed.

our wedding.

almost five years ago, i married a pretty awesome guy.

one of my hopes for this blog is for it to be a documentary of our family's life.  i want it to be a precious gift to our girls someday... for them to look back and read what i've written to them, or about them, or about their daddy and our lives together.  i've written about our story before (to read, click here) , but i've never posted before about our wedding day.  being the sentimental gal that i am, here are a few photos (okay, it's total picture overload) capturing our special day.

the wedding site
we got married at the lucerne inn; a beautiful historic inn tucked in the mountains, overlooking a lake.  when i was a little girl, i always loved driving by it because i thought it was a "castle".  my grampy's father was a caretaker of the inn during the winter months when my grandfather was a little boy.  he tells many stories about ice skating on the lake and running about the inns endless hallways.

the invitations
i have a thing for pretty paper... my sister found this scrapbook paper for me and handmade all of our invitations.  they were beautiful and so special!  i also used this paper for the centerpieces and other decor.

worship music
music is so important to both nick&i and we are so blessed to have some very talented friends!  these are a few of them that sang before and during our ceremony.  "your love is extravagant" and "praise to the lord, the almighty" were a few of our selections.

my handsome groom
seriously.  so handsome.  nick wore a khaki suit and white shirt/tie.  i married one good looking guy.

heritage of prayer
it was really important to us to involve our families; we had a time in the ceremony where our fathers came up and prayed over us.  this was one of my favorite parts of our wedding, and this is a very treasured photo.  love it so much.

reception centerpieces
we had a few different centerpieces for the reception tables... these are vases filled with branches.

head table
we lined the head table with empty vases for the bridesmaids to place their boquets in.

the bride
i wore this veil that i bought for thirty dollars on ebay!  and drop earrings i bought at a jewelry discount store.  i purchased my dress (originally $1200) for four hundred bucks at a trunk show in dallas.  bam.  i'm all about a good deal.

sunset rock
our photographer was incredible, and took us for a quick ride across the street and up to this rock that overlooked the inn and surrounding mountains and lake.  we've gone up to this rock a couple of times since.  some of my favorite wedding photos! 

flower girl & ring bearer
our nephew, wyatt was our handsome little ring bearer; i love these pictures of him!  he wore chocolate brown pants from old navy, a white button up shirt and white converse sneakers.  when nick&i were engaged, a seminary professor of mine and his wife so graciously offered for me to live with them in the months leading up to our wedding.  i was very close with their family and asked their daughter, jill, to be our flower girl.  i found a simple white dress (i think it may have been a first communion dress) for her, and ordered a chocolate brown sash.  she wore simple ballet slippers for shoes that we found at payless.

our reception
we honestly had a blast at our wedding.  don't listen to anyone that tells you that you won't have fun at your wedding or reception!  this was my dad doing his ever popular fist pump move... such great memories... so fun!

reception centerpieces
another variation of table centerpieces; square vases filled with river rocks and water with pink gerbera daisies.

reception site
our reception was on the lawn of the inn under a large white tent light with twinkle lights and white paper lanterns.  it was pretty, casual and seriously the most fun i've ever had.  if i could pick any day to live again, it would be our wedding day hands down.  for many reasons, but our reception was just a ball.

reception
again... more dancing... we have awesome friends :)

father/daughter dance
my dad and i danced to "my girl" by the temptations.  that song will always be so special to me; we had a thing for the movie "father of the bride" (which features the song) because of the scene where the father and daughter shoot hoops in the driveway.  so special.  love my dad so so much; very blessed to have been his girl.

mother/son dance
when nick was growing up, he remembers listening to country music with his mom and siblings; specifically dolly parton.  so he chose to dance to "i will always love you" sung by none other than dolly herself.  this was such a sweet moment, and i really love this picture :)

down the aisle
i had pictured this moment a thousand times in my head and it was still incredibly surreal.  my bridesmaids and i walked down the aisle to "glory in the highest" by chris tomlin.  i will be forever grateful for the fact that my dad was able to walk me to hand me off to nick.  i had picked out a point in the song where the music crescendoed, and that was when i wanted to begin walking down.  i'll never forget my dad was so excited that he kept trying to step out too soon i had to hold him back and keep telling him to wait.  so sweet.

boutineer
nick's boutineer was a simple cymbidium orchid with a few green berries sprinkled in.   

bridesmaids boquets
i wanted simple flowers for our wedding; no use in spending lots of money on something that will last for a few hours!  but i love fresh flowers, so i wanted them to be pretty.  obviously.  i absolutely love gerbera daisies, so it was a perfect fit.  each bridesmaid carried a boquet of three light pink gerbera daisies.

cake
i absolutely loved our cake.  i wanted something super simple; we came up with this design... three layer pink cake with white frosting detail and chocolate brown ribbon topped with a silver "c".  the top layer had stripes, the second layer dots and the third layer a scalloped detail.

aisle decorations
again, super simple: light pink gerbera daisies and a few branches tied around chair ends with tulle.

matron of honor boquet
my sister was my matron of honor, which was the easiest decision for the whole day!  a no-brainah.  she held a bigger group of coral colored gerbera daisies.  loved these against her chocolate brown dress!

first dance
we danced our first dance to "at last" by etta james.  i love this picture :)

ceremony
we wanted our ceremony to be casual and personal... we had three different pastors that knew us well involved in the officiating.  there were definitely some laughs!

wedding party
we have the best friends in the whole world.  seriously.  most of our wedding party flew up from texas or other parts of the country (chicago, michigan, kentucky...) to be with us on our big day.  so special.  the girls wore chocolate brown strapless dresses from jcrew and chocolate brown ballet flats from the gap.  the guys wore khakis and white button up shirts from old navy and leather flip flops from the gap.  aren't they awesome?!  yes.  this photo captures them all perfectly.

bride boquet
my boquet was made of light pink peonies, hot pink roses, cymbidium orchids and some green berries.

husband and wife
we walked out to "l-o-v-e" by nat king cole.  perfect ending. 

there may be a few things that i would do differently if we were to get married now.  i would definitely be more hands on; planning from half way across the country, my mom ended up doing most of it.  i knew a few things that i for sure wanted (after all, i was a bridesmaid ten times before i got married... no joke... i had seen a lot of weddings!) but i honestly was so anxious to get married and start our lives together that i didn't care about a lot of the details.  which i'm thankful for now.  we had a beautiful wedding, but our focus was on our marriage.  a wedding lasts a few hours, but a marriage lasts a lifetime.

so.  if we got married now, i'd ditch the chocolate brown and go with a bright color like a pretty coral.  i'd probably do peonies, ranunculas or billy buttons for flowers.  and i'd fully enter into crafting/antiquing mode and do a lot of the decor differently, consulting pinterest along the way.

but, does any of that matter?  nope.  i would marry my husband a million times over no matter what we had for flowers, or what the color scheme of our wedding was.

this day was and will always be the most happiest day of my entire life.

love you to the moon and back (and back, and back).

{source}

to my girls:

i love you when you are messy from a day's worth of play.  when the knees of your pants are black with dirt.  when crumbs and smears of peanut butter are found on your cheeks.  i love you when you are clean and freshly bathed.  when your skin glows from the bath.  when your sweetly scented hair tickles my nose.

i love you when you are sassy and strong willed.  when you want what you want, when you want it.  when you cry and throw fits on the floor.  i love you when you are sweet and your kind, tender hearts show.  when you blow kisses, or comfort a friend.  when you say "i love you".

i love you when you are angelic.  when others tell me how sweet, polite and kind you are.  when you say your pleases and thank yous and make me "proud".  i love you when you have tantrums so loud that i flee public places in a hurry.  when i ignore the stares of others.  when i need to bite my lip to stay patient; and when i lose it from frustration.

i love you when you sweetly pray for the needs of others, and when you quarrel and fight.

i love you when you listen well, and when you don't.

i love you when you eat broccoli at dinner, and when you want cookies all day long.

i love you when you run (or crawl) freely through the grass, and when you sit quietly in rest.

i love you when i first hear your footsteps running down the hall, or morning greetings shrieked from your crib, and when you settle against my chest at dusk in restful quiet.

i love you every minute of every day.  even when i'm angry.  even when i'm impatient.  even when i fail as your mother.  for my love for you is not based on your performance, or how well you listen, or how your behavior makes me look like a good mom to others.  i love you for who you are with every fiber of my being; every single bit of you.  right where you are.  and that will never, ever, ever change.

ever.

i love you to the moon and back (and back again),
mama

lead me to the cross.

the cross.

i can't think of another image that means so many things to me.  pain.  surrender.  sacrifice.  grace.  love.  forgiveness.  and ultimately... hope.

easter snuck up on me this year.  anyone who knows me knows that i love to decorate and i love, love, loooove holidays.  nothing over the top; just special traditions with the girls, some cute outfits and making sweet memories.  this year, we have a lone pot of daffodils on our entryway buffet.  no painted eggs.  no pretty flowery wreaths.  no dishes of easter candy.

notice a theme?  a whole lot of nothing.

and yet, as i prepare my heart for easter, i'm reminded that that's okay.  the decorations and easter baskets, bunnies and pastel colors are beautiful, fun and festive... but far from what this season is all about.

especially today.

easter is a celebration.  good friday?  well, left without the resurrection message is incredibly dark and depressing (good thing we know the end of the story).  i'm sure you've heard of a little ole movie called "the passion of the christ", released a few years back.  i can still remember going to see it in the movie theatre with some of my best friends and my sister.  yall, i was a mess.  i mean... a mess.  like, wrecked for days.  i just couldn't stop crying.  a couple of years ago, nick&i decided to watch it one night on the eve of easter.  we didn't really want to.  but we thought our hearts needed it.  we both sat there and bawled like babies.

here is a clip set to one of my favorite worship songs... what a beautiful (and very hard to watch) montage.  (just a warning: it is intense and graphic)

the gospel message shouldn't be fluffy, neat and pretty.  it is messy and beautiful.  and you don't get the beautiful without the messy.

pain mingled with love.  sacrifice intertwined with grace.  despair colored by HOPE.

it's not easy for me to think of the cross.  of the pain that it took to save.  and the unconditional love that was poured out through incomprehensible sacrifice ... for me.  sometimes, it wrecks me.  and i need it to more and more.

but it's because of that cross that we have hope.  that we have a savior who cannot be contained.  one who loves beyond imagination, and who rescues us and redeems us; one who calls us by name.

may we not get so caught up in the beauty of easter that we forget the cross.  uncomfortable?  yes.  painful?  sure.  necessary?  absolutely.

because of the cross, we know the fullest value of how we are loved.  by a savior who has defeated the grave.  

and that, is why we celebrate.

when parenting is hard.

{source}

what.a.week.

i have this friend in dallas who grew up in the deep south; a beautiful, southern belle.  whenever she is surprised or shocked by something she'll say "lawsy!" in her southern accent.  i always have loved it; being a new england girl, her saying made me giggle.  and as i lay my head on my pillow tonight after finally tucking my wee ones into their beds and exhaling whatever weary breath i can muster, all i can think is: lawsy.  i need a vacation.

raising a two year old is not for the faint of heart.  i feel as though i'm riding an emotional roller coaster where one minute my bella is the sticky-est-sweetest pumpkin on the face of the earth, and on the turn of a dime she is writhing on the floor, face red from screaming, exuding complete and utter craziness.  i really am at a loss for words to describe how this happens.  such a unique quality i'm convinced is only possessed by two and three year olds.  i hope so, anyways.

having a toddler has made me increasingly aware of my flaws.  my selfishness, my pride and my impatience.  her tantrums don't align with my expectations for the day.  her meltdowns--especially in public--don't make me "look good" in front of others (why do i care what other people think?  they may be staring, but they don't even know me).  her wild swing of emotions make me feel helpless, out of control and cause me to question how well i'm doing at this whole mom-thing.  and that doesn't feel good.

this week has been a very challenging one.  both of my grandparents have been in the hospital.  at the same time.  i have seen them both deteriorate before my very eyes.  after losing my dad just over a year ago, i'm watching so many things, memories and people that have made me who i am today slowly slip away from me.  it's been a very emotional week, and i have not had much to give.  especially to my precious two year old who has been needing so much of me.

our challenges with bella these last few days have been such sweet reflections of god's love for me.  when i'm thrashing, my heart is ugly and my will is ever-so-strong, he lovingly gathers me into his arms and continually whispers that he loves me.  that he is my helper.  that it will all be okay.  it has been a humble reminder to me that even despite my ugliest days, god never ever stops loving me. 

i oftentimes get so frustrated, so embarrassed, so utterly flabbergasted that a child of mine would act in such a manner!  we have not raised her to behave this way!  and then i realize the pride and ridiculousness of those thoughts: i cannot possibly control every little thing my children do.  it's just not possible.  i can raise them to love god and love others, i can teach them morals and values and what is right and wrong, and i can hopefully encourage their character strengths and sense of integrity.  there are many things nick&i can prayerfully instill in our children... but at the end of the day, they will make their own choices, their own mistakes and their own successes.  i am not defined by their misbehavior.  and sometimes i repeat that to myself multiple times throughout the day.

the sooner i realize that my children have a free will that they will exercise despite my desire to control them so i can look like a good mother, the better off we will all be.  i want to thoroughly enjoy my children--faults and all--rather than being so focused on being perfect.  so much can be learned--and gained--in the imperfection.

i realize how much of this parallels my relationship with jesus.  ephesians 3:16-20 is one of my favorite passages in all of scripture and really spoke to my heart this week in where i find myself on this mama-journey.

"i pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with the power through his spirit in your innermost being, so that christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  and i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge, that you may be filled to the measure with all the fullness of god.  now to him who is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than all we could ask or imagine, according to his power at work within us."

more than anything, i want my girls to know just how much i love them.  and that nothing they do could ever change that.  tantrums and all.  public embarrassment and all.  writhing-crazy-person-on-the-floor and all.  i will always love them no matter what. 

"to the moon and back.  and back again."

anniversary number four.

last week, nick&i celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary. it's hard to believe it's only been four years, because its difficult to remember my life without my sweet husband by my side. he is truly my best friend, the man that inspires me to become greater, and the greatest teammate i could ask for.

i am better with him.

and i love that. he compliments me in so many ways, challenges me in countless areas and balances me where i need balancing.

this past year has been the hardest of my life. while it has overflowed with abundant blessing, it has also been full of trials and heartache. we moved across the country and left the safe and familiar. we worried about jobs, had to adjust to new ones once we got them, and the hardest thing of all; watching my father transform before our very eyes. we were mourning the loss of him before he was ever really gone... and then were left to grieve and process and heal once he was. all while learning to love and support each other in the midst of some of the worst pain we had ever felt.

not such an easy task.

and yet, god remained faithful. as i look back over the four years of our married life, it has been the hard times that have pruned our relationship and grown it to something far greater than i could've ever imagined. god has used the pain and hardship to cement our bond to each other and more importantly to him.

nick, i don't know what i would do without you. you are--in so many ways--my strength, my anchor, my rock. you calm and settle me when i'm fearful, you push me when i'm timid and you encourage me when i'm down. the way you serve those around you is such a tangible example of the hands and feet of jesus. sitting back and watching you interact with people is one of my most *favorite* things. you have such a kind and gentle spirit that draws people to you. hearing your coworkers, friends and family talk about how wonderful you are makes my heart swell with pride. i am so thankful for your incredible work ethic, your tender heart, your drive to provide for your family, and most of all your humble ways.

you are one of god's greatest gifts to me and i love this life god has blessed us with. so thankful you chose me to walk through this life by your side.

happy anniversary.

{then}

{now}

(you can read about our story here).

things i {heart} today.

i've always loved valentines day. a whole day set aside as a reminder to be intentional about doing nice things to those we love? yeah, i'm in. today my heart has been heavy as i think about those struggling with this day of love. friends who have lost husbands, others who have sick children, others who are reminded today of the ache of unfulfilled desires, and my own sweet mom as she faces this day without her husband of nearly thirty two years.

no matter where we find ourselves today--feeling completely blessed, or being reminded of all the ways in which we feel alone--we can be blanketed by the infinite love of jesus. a love we will work our whole lives to imitate here on this earth, but will still somehow be left longing for more.

my prayer is that no matter where you are today, blessings will shine through and the love of jesus will feel a little bit closer. if you're feeling lonely, sad or depressed... try doing something for someone else. you'll be amazed at what good it does your heart. after all, this day is all about love... not just receiving it, but giving it too.

things that i {heart} today:
- my sweet husband. he is sick. i went upstairs to check on him and tell him my valentines gift to him was a big ole pot of homemade chicken noodle soup that was down on the stove. he looked at me and said apologetically through an almost non-existent voice: "your gift will have to wait." i laughed. yeah, i kind of figured seeing as he hasn't gotten out of the laying down position in almost three days. oh, how i love him.

- all things bella. except for when she's being naughty. but still, that girl just steals my heart. on our way home from a playdate this morning, she was talking on the phone to her little buddies (the children of two of my best friends from high school) "goodbye, olivia. goodbye, wyatt. nice to see you! see you tomorrow. i love you! so much." ohhhhh my dear little daughter!

- walking through downtown this cold winter's morning, carrying bella, and discovering someone had taped white papers with painted red hearts on every.single.window of every.single.building downtown. how adorable is that?!

- delivering valentines treats to my mom at work today. dad always used to get her date-filled cookies from a little bakery downtown for valentines day. bella and i bought those, along with some cream horns, and made a surprise delivery to mimi today. oh, how it made me miss my dad (as just about everything does).

- bringing my sister her fav: coconut flavored dunkin donuts coffee to her office. it's also my dad's old office. it's the first time i've been able to think about walking in there. i don't know how she does it every week. but i'm so glad we visited today. again, i felt his presence.

- toasted bagels from the bagel shop. aaaaand their iced coffee: hazelnut to be exact. what a *perfect* valentines-y breakfast.

- getting to hang out with two of my high school girlfriends and watching our kiddos play and laugh together. it's so special i could cry (remember how sentimental i am? oh yeah... and pregnant).

- the little craft bella and i have been working on for a few special valentines. i'll post pictures later.

- warm peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies that we made for daddy. and a big glass of milk. heaven.

just a few things that i am loving today. and last, but not least, this song that i kept on repeat in our car today as we drove around... it's a worship song by jared anderson that nick&i had played during a slideshow at our wedding reception. just give it a listen. and remember whatever love you find yourself blessed with or longing for today, nothing compares to just how much he loves us.

happy valentines day!

ten things {about my dad}.

1. he always called me "chum" or "megs". i loved it.

2. he almost always had a hat on when he wasn't in the office. most of his hats were red sox... a few celtics, patriots. but sometimes he would buy random team hats just because he liked the colors or the way they looked.


3. he whistled--so loudly--allllll the time.

4. he loved sports. and he knew alot about them... especially basketball. i can still remember his big, booming voice arguing with the officials from the stands of my high school basketball games. partly because he was defending his daughter, but also because he was mostly right ;)


5. he was a huuuuge fan of food. i mean, huge. we would plan all of our family vacations around one thing: where we would eat our meals. i'm not kidding. he also had a hatred for potlucks. he didn't like eating food made by others at the risk that it a) wasn't good or b) was contiminated by unknown germ sources. he'd always find out what my mom and a few trusted friends (who were also fantastic cooks) had made and stick closely to those dishes. he also went on and on about gretchen and i being good cooks and would request food from us often... this always made me smile because i knew he was a tough critic.


6. he kept all of the letters and cards my sister and i made him. we went through them days after he left us, crying and laughing. a few special ones he kept in the inside of his bible.

7. he had the best laugh. i mean, the best.

8. he knew everyone, and everyone knew him. i used to get annoyed going anywhere in public with him--the grocery store, restaurants... you name it. wherever we went would turn into an extended trip as he stopped several times to talk to various people he knew around town. he was a popular guy :)

9. he loved god's word. he had countless verses memorized, including the book of 2nd timothy. he also did scripture memory exercises with gretchen and i our whole childhood, and made sure we were going to do the same with our kids in the moments before he died. one of the last things i remember of being by his hospital bed was him quoting the verses philippians 4:6,7 by heart. word for word. i love that.


10. he was the *best* grandfather. i still remember him holding bella when they first came to dallas to see her and making up songs to sing to her that usually included things about jesus. he was soooo excited to spend more time with bella now that we lived in maine; which makes me really sad. but i'm so grateful he was here to hear the news that emmy was due in april... he was over-the-moon excited. bella and jude still talk about their bampie... when i tell bella that he's in heaven with jesus, she get's the cutest little "surprised" look on her face. i think she likes hearing that.


i love writing these things down about my dad... to keep his memory alive. not only for me, but for bella & emmy, too. i want them to "know" their bampie--in the greatest sense they can know him--even though he's not physically with us. i don't want to forget anything about who my dad was and how much he enjoyed life and was loved by others.

he always loved reading my blog... after almost every post he would say "great blog today, megs" (although he did tell me he didn't pay much attention to the recipe or decorating posts) ;) i miss having him read my writing, but i love that i'm getting to honor him through what i write... now more than ever.

love you, dad. thanks for being you.