lead me to the cross.

the cross.

i can't think of another image that means so many things to me.  pain.  surrender.  sacrifice.  grace.  love.  forgiveness.  and ultimately... hope.

easter snuck up on me this year.  anyone who knows me knows that i love to decorate and i love, love, loooove holidays.  nothing over the top; just special traditions with the girls, some cute outfits and making sweet memories.  this year, we have a lone pot of daffodils on our entryway buffet.  no painted eggs.  no pretty flowery wreaths.  no dishes of easter candy.

notice a theme?  a whole lot of nothing.

and yet, as i prepare my heart for easter, i'm reminded that that's okay.  the decorations and easter baskets, bunnies and pastel colors are beautiful, fun and festive... but far from what this season is all about.

especially today.

easter is a celebration.  good friday?  well, left without the resurrection message is incredibly dark and depressing (good thing we know the end of the story).  i'm sure you've heard of a little ole movie called "the passion of the christ", released a few years back.  i can still remember going to see it in the movie theatre with some of my best friends and my sister.  yall, i was a mess.  i mean... a mess.  like, wrecked for days.  i just couldn't stop crying.  a couple of years ago, nick&i decided to watch it one night on the eve of easter.  we didn't really want to.  but we thought our hearts needed it.  we both sat there and bawled like babies.

here is a clip set to one of my favorite worship songs... what a beautiful (and very hard to watch) montage.  (just a warning: it is intense and graphic)

the gospel message shouldn't be fluffy, neat and pretty.  it is messy and beautiful.  and you don't get the beautiful without the messy.

pain mingled with love.  sacrifice intertwined with grace.  despair colored by HOPE.

it's not easy for me to think of the cross.  of the pain that it took to save.  and the unconditional love that was poured out through incomprehensible sacrifice ... for me.  sometimes, it wrecks me.  and i need it to more and more.

but it's because of that cross that we have hope.  that we have a savior who cannot be contained.  one who loves beyond imagination, and who rescues us and redeems us; one who calls us by name.

may we not get so caught up in the beauty of easter that we forget the cross.  uncomfortable?  yes.  painful?  sure.  necessary?  absolutely.

because of the cross, we know the fullest value of how we are loved.  by a savior who has defeated the grave.  

and that, is why we celebrate.

tonight.

tonight, i got to rock you to sleep, my sweet emmy faith.  and that was a very precious gift.

you see, you never let me do that.  when you are ready to go to sleep, you want to be in your crib.  i've tried a number of times to cuddle you in the rocking chair, but you just won't have it.  every few seconds, your head is off my chest, neck craning to examine your surroundings.  tiny hand reaching for my face, studying me.  too distracted to snuggle or sleep.

but last night, you fell asleep in my arms.  and i drank in every second.

despite what others say, i love rocking my babies to sleep.  life is too short to not savor those moments.  your sister is too big now, so i'm trying to enjoy your last months of baby-ness while i can.

you're growing up too fast.

i never want to forget the creak of the rocking chair against the hardwood floors, the wooshing of your sound machine as we rock.  the quietness of our house in the dark of bedtime.  your head on my chest, the smell of your freshly shampooed hair tickling my nose.  your tiny hand resting on my arm, wrists lined with chubby folds, your long dark eyelashes splayed in sweet slumber.  beautiful rosebud lips parted slightly as you breath in and out... cheeks warm and soft against my own.

you are beautiful.

your first birthday is quickly approaching.  i couldn't help but to reminisce on the past year as i held you last night, watching you sleep.  i can't imagine our life without you, emmy faith.  you bring such joy and sunshine to our home.  i couldn't help but to let a few tears slide down my cheeks as i squeezed you and held you close, praying over you.

thanks for giving me that gift last night, my sweet girl.  your mama loves you more than you will ever know.  i want to freeze time right this moment and keep you this sweet, giggly, happy girl forever.  but i also can't wait to see who you become.

love you, my baby girl.  will you let me rock you to sleep a few more times until you are too old?
thanks,
your mama

multitude monday.

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615.  girlfriends.  hearts intertwined by the laughter and tears of life.
616.  the cinnamon roll smell of a shopping trip to ikea.
617.  a hug from my husband upon returning from a weekend away.
618.  watching my daughters play, hearing their sweet giggles.
619.  pools of sunshine on my living room floor, warm and golden.
620.  coffee and shopping.  what a heavenly combination.
621.  eating thai takeout in pajamas.
622.  crocuses starting to peek through the soil in our front yard.
623.  the hope of spring.

march.

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i have been having some pretty sad days lately.  and the weather has been a bit gloomy, which doesn't help.  i knew i could identify some of the reasons why i've been feeling so down: my ailing grandparents, feeling busy and stretched with the girls and other tasks, being low on sleep... but saturday it hit me like a ton of bricks; it's march.

march maddness.  dad and i always watched together when we could, and always, always filled out brackets to compete against one another.

the 22nd is my dad's birthday.  he always loved "his" day; birthdays were his thing.  if you ever met him--even once--chances are he had your birth date memorized.  it was amazing.  like, rain man amazing.  and, also indicative of just how much he loved people.  right down to the tiniest detail.

i find myself wondering daily if there will ever be a day where my heart doesn't ache because of missing my dad so much.  and i almost hope there won't be, because i don't ever want to forget just how much i loved him.

that's the funny thing about grief; you so desperately want the pain to go away, and yet you're afraid that someday it will... that you will somehow move on.  and that doesn't feel good either.

i still have nights that are so hard.  when i close my eyes sometimes, i can see my dad's face.  or hear his laugh.  or feel his arms squeezing me in one of his bear hugs that he was so famous for.  i can hear him talking excitedly about life, and i can remember the sound of his voice softly singing to bella... or telling mom "can you even believe she's ours?!"

it's amazing how little things can wreck you, when you are grieving the loss of someone.  a song on the radio.  a cherished memory.  or for me, seeing other grandparents playing with their grandkids.  something i'll never get to see my parents do together.

and that absolutely kills me.

i haven't talked about my journey of missing my dad in a while.  and i think it has caught up with me in the last week.  i'm a person that externally processes  my emotions.  i wear my heart on my sleeve.  and sometimes i find it difficult to talk about this horrible path i've been walking for the last year and a half.  i am beyond BLESSED by so many friends and a wonderful family who genuinely love me and care for me.  i just struggle with picking up the phone and saying "hey, can i talk about how much i miss my dad?"  which i know i need to work on.

it's been a rough few weeks.  my dad was an only child, and he was survived by both of my grandparents who are now 91 and 86 years old.  in the last month we have had to admit both of them into the hospital, and then transfer them to a rehabilitation facility.  i've always been incredibly close to my grandparents; i still would spend the night with them when i came home from college.  i can't think of many childhood memories that aren't wrapped up in my grandparents.

since losing my dad, visiting them has been such a source of comfort to me.  i feel so close--so connected--to him, as i see him in each of them.  their mannerisms, their looks.  with their health deteriorating so quickly, i have found myself in another wave of grief.  not only saying goodbye to my grandparents, but bidding farewell to two people that anchor me in my father's memory.

as i struggle through this month, i am determined to count my blessings.  to savor the moments.  to love well. these things do not come easy in dark days, and i have failed miserably some days, and will continue to.  but there are so many things all around me that can lighten the burden weighing down so heavily on my heart.

help me to see them, lord.  and to thank you for them.

"blessed are those whose strength is in you,

whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.

as they pass through the valley,

they will make it a place of springs."

(psalm 84:5)

what's for breakfast this morning {homemade pop tarts}.

i'm not gonna lie.  i love pop tarts.  i pretty much never eat them; like, i've probably had two in my life since high school... but still.

last fall, my family got together one saturday morning and did a baking project together: homemade pop tarts.  my aunt was in visiting from north carolina; she always has a million tricks up her sleeve and when i was little i always remember her trying different recipes and baking things with us.  that weekend, i was transported back to my childhood as we baked and laughed together with our fun aunt jayne!

how delicious those homemade pop tarts were!  i hadn't made them since, until i found this recipe on my fav go-to website, 100 days of real food.  i used homemade strawberry jam as the filling (recipe here) and they were just delectable.  even with all whole wheat flour!

homemade pop tarts

* 2 1/4 c. whole wheat flour (i used a combo of whole wheat white flour + whole wheat pastry flour)
* 1/2 t. salt
* 2 sticks of cold butter, diced
* 7-8 T. ice water
* jam
* egg white, beaten with a splash of water

- preheat oven to 375.
- for crust, measure flour into a large mixing bowl.  mix in salt.  cut in diced butter until mixture resembles course sand.  add a few tablespoons of ice water at a time, until ingredients come together as a dough.  roll out into a large rectangle, no more than a quarter inch in thickness.
- using a knife or pizza cutter, cut 14 to 16 even rectangles.  lay half of the rectangles on a greased baking sheet and place a spoonful of jam in the center.
- top each rectangle with another, and use a fork to seal all sides.  also poke a few holes in the top of each pastry to release steam as they bake.
- brush each with egg wash and bake for 18-25 minutes or until golden brown.

{note}: store in fridge for 3 days or in the freezer for several months.  can be eaten cold, or reheated in a toaster oven (my fav).  but these are *best* fresh outta the oven!

enjoy!  both of my munchkins loved these... and their mama and daddy did too ;)

our little drama queen.

one of my favorite things about motherhood is watching our girls experience things for the first time.  swimming in the ocean and playing on the beach, a trip on an airplane, tasting new food, going to a special show.  the list could go on and on.  i just love it.

now that bella is older, it's been fun introducing her to movies that made up my childhood.  growing up, i loved musicals.  my absolute favorite was "the sound of music".  in december, i took bella to see a local theatre production of "annie", which absolutely captivated her.  she's been singing the songs ever since:

a couple of weeks ago, we had a special movie night and snuggled up on the couch with some popcorn to watch "the sound of music".  she's obsessed.  she loves to re-enact parts of the movie, and imitate everything the children do.

the other day we were sitting on the couch and she buried her head in my shoulder and i could hear her say "should we go get the boys?  they're asleep, they're not scared!" which are a few of the lines the younger girls say in the scene with maria during the thunder storm, before they sing "my favorite things".  one night, my mom was over and we were all sitting at the table eating dinner.  bella randomly started "crying", her face in her hands.  mom looked at me, confused, as i remembered the scene in the movie where the kids all start crying at the dinner table because of playing tricks on maria.  remember that part?  apparently bella does.

oh, bella grace.  our little drama queen.  we seriously need to get you in theatre and put these skills to use!  can't wait to see how god uses your gifts and i pray that your talents and personality bless others in unique and special ways.  love you, our little girl.  never stop singing, never stop dancing, never stop imagining.

and she was supposed to be our calm one.

bella is our crazy, high energy, active little monkey.  when i was pregnant with her, i would often wake up in the middle of the night because i could literally feel her doing flips in my belly.  she was a wild child from the very beginning.  we have thought from day one that emmy would be our chill one.  she didn't move much when i was pregnant with her; to the point where i would worry sometimes.  she smiled--really smiled--within the first week of her life, and is just so happy and content.  but lately, we're not so convinced she's going to be as calm as we had once thought.

these girls keep us on our toes!

the other day while big sis was still napping, i got to spend some alone time with emmy.  it doesn't happen all that often that i get to spend time with just her (poor second child!), so i was enjoying it very much.  she was sitting in her high chair having a snack and making me laugh, so i grabbed our video camera and caught this gem:

and then, this one later while we were playing on the floor...

ohhhhh, emmy.  you already have that impish look in your eye.  bampy used to always watch bella and say she was a little scamp!  i can hear him calling you the same exact thing :)  

love you, our sweet little girl!  we love watching your personality blossom.  

what's for breakfast this morning {homemade strawberry jam}.

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i know, i know... i realize march is a strange time to be posting a strawberry jam recipe.  but my mom had a bag of strawberries, frozen from last summer that she graciously gave to me.  bella is a huge jelly-jam fan and loves her pb&j's at lunchtime.  i hadn't bought any strawberry jam in a while because i just didn't like the options i found in the store.

and, it makes me excited for summer, as i'm watching snow fall down outside our window.

sooo... when mom gave me her frozen berries, i found this barefoot contessa recipe.  gotta love good ole ina.  really, she is my fav.  i love her, love her recipes.  everything i make of hers is super delish.  this strawberry jam is no exception.

i made a couple of adjustments in this recipe; halved the amount of sugar and added juice from an orange instead of the orange liquer.  i loved that the recipe incorporated other fruit (apples, blueberries and oranges) plus it didn't call for any gelatin or pectin.  instead, the grated apple acts as a binder, thus keeping this strawberry jam more natural and ever-so-delish.  it is a bit runnier than normal jam, and chunkier (which bella didn't like), but i think next time i'll just blend it a bit after it's cooked to smooth it out a bit.

homemade strawberry jam

* 3 pints fresh strawberries (i used frozen and they worked just fine)
* 1 1/2 c. sugar
* 2 T. juice squeezed from an orange
* 1/2 apple, grated
* 1/2 c. fresh blueberries

- rinse, drain and hull strawberries (if using fresh).  cut larger berries in halves or quarters.  place strawberries into a large pot, mix with sugar and orange juice.
- bring berry mixture to a boil over medium heat, stirring often.  add apple and blueberries, keep at a rolling boil until jam reaches 220 on a candy thermometer which should take anywhere from 25-35 minutes.
- skim off any foam that rises to the top.  allow mixture to cool until room temperature (it will firm up as it cools).  store in an airtight container for up to 2 weeks, or you may pack and seal in canning jars according to their directions.

this jam is really delicious and has a great depth of flavor.  perfect for your kiddos pb&j's, as topping for biscuits or toast, and it works perfectly as filling for homemade pop tarts... i will share that recipe soon :)

enjoy!