looking ahead.

january.

both the end of the christmas season and the start of a brand new year.  it always feels a little depressing to me, and invigorating at the same time.

this week, we've all dragged ourselves forward--a little reluctantly--into the post-christmas-vacation-life.  it's been a week of the dreaded alarm clock, whiny children (and parents), to do lists and me apologizing to my husband on a nightly basis for falling asleep during one of our netflix binges.  it's getting ridiculous.

but mama is tired.

at the start to every year, instead of thinking more about what i'd like to accomplish, i tend to reflect on what the last year has looked like.  treasuring all of the memories made...all of the different snapshots in time that i want to hold onto.

and this year, there were many.

snowstorms and gardens growing.  little hands covered with flour from helping mama bake.  picking roses from the flower beds and taking trips to the beach.  first soccer games and gymnastics classes.  watching their faces light up at disneyland and pool time amidst the palm trees.  catching starfish and chasing fireflies.  surprise road trips through snowy new england countrysides and finding golden tickets at town easter egg hunts.  baby girl's tap shoes and ballet skirts.  jumping in leaves and catching snowflakes on our tongues.  prayers to follow jesus whispered out of childlike faith.

it's been a great year.  one of the best, actually.

as i've reflected on this last year, it has been one of healing and restoration; where the lord has so graciously soothed my heart in so many ways.  he has brought light back into my life, after so many years of walking through darkness.  it's been a season in my life where he has sweetly reminded me that the god who has walked with my through the valleys and climbed the mountaintops by my side, will always be there... holding me, loving me, and graciously redeeming me no matter what.

the past eleven years of my life have brought such pain and darkness.  as i look back... from my dad's diagnosis of a fatal disease, to watching sickness rob me of my sweet dad, to his time in the hospital and eventually his passing... i see how these years of fear, uncertainty and pain have chipped away at my soul, my faith in the lord, and the very nature of who i am.  there have been so many happy times to be sure: marrying the love of my life, watching my babies grow and making a home for our family... some of the most joy-filled times of my life... mingled with some of the most sorrow-filled ones too.  and all along, the lord was faithfully loving me, whispering his promises of restoration and hope to my broken heart.

and this past year, i was ready to listen.

i was ready to let go of my fears, my questions, my wrestling with the "whys" and "what ifs" and exchange them all for freedom.  for love.  for the hope of what's to come.

and i'm so grateful.

the other morning i was standing at the kitchen sink, wrists deep in suds.  emmy played quietly and music kept me company while i accomplished my otherwise monotonous daily tasks.  the song "good good father" began (chris tomlin), and suddenly emmy was at my side, begging me to pick her up.  "dance with me, mama!"  as i gathered her into my arms, and we swayed nose to nose, my heart was overwhelmed with thankfulness and tears spilled down my cheeks as i listened to these words:

"oh i've heard a thousand stories

of what they think you're like

but i've heard the tender whispers of love

in the dead of night

and you tell me that you're pleased

and that i'm never alone

oh and i've seen many searching 

for answers far and wide

but i know we're all searching 

for answers only you provide

cause you know just what we need

before we say a word

you're a good, good father

it's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are

and i'm loved by you

it's who i am, it's who i am, it's who i am

you are perfect in all of your ways

you are perfect in all of your ways

you are perfect in all of your ways

to us.

you're a good, good father."

as we start a new year, i'm so thankful for a god who heals the broken hearted.  who turns our ashes into beauty.  i'm thankful that although i don't know where the road will lead me in two thousand sixteen, i know the one who will be holding my heart every step of the way.  

and i'm so thankful for that hope as i look ahead in joyful expectation of what's to come.