when life is hard.

to say i've been struggling these days would be a bit of an understatement.  it's been rough going around these parts as of late.

i haven't written anything about my emotions for a while and figured it's high time to do just that.  i always want to share the hard stuff; not just the good.  i made a vow when i started blogging that i would share my heart; be vulnerable and honest.  i haven't quite known how to process everything that i'm feeling...

i had a bit of a breakdown on sunday.  my poor husband.  he sat on our bed next to me, his hand on my back as i just cried and cried until i had no tears left.  ever have those days?

we had such a blissful summer.  carefree and simple.  and then september hit and life went nuts.  i mean, nuts.  we were both back to work, i'm taking a few grad classes for my school counselor certification and nick's coaching football this season.  our weekends are shot, my job got cut by a day so money is, well, tight, and i'm doing homework again.  can i have summer back now, please?

and then, there's the grief-thing.

i have always, always loved fall.  everything about it.  the vibrant color of the trees, the crispness in the air, seeing my breath as i step outside.  football.  boots&sweaters.  pumpkin spice goodness.  fire-lit nights.  it has always been my absolute *favorite*.

until a year ago.

i have been telling my family all summer that i was dreading the fall.  i knew everything would remind me.  remind me of where we were, the tears, the goodbyes, the sadness and utter sense of emptiness.  the smell of cold air, the bright orange and red leaves.  everything i once loved now only reminds me that nothing will ever be the same.

everything changed when i lost my dad.  not only did i lose such a huge presence in my life...  i lost a sense of naivety.  i told nick the other day: i can't separate my life now from death.  it's around me, in me and constantly looming around me.  sure, i've always been aware of death and loss, but it never had happened to me.  now, all of a sudden, it's become such a harsh reality that is very, very real to me.  and i can't escape it.

i know god is good and that he is faithful.  but do i feel it right now?  not really.  and you know what?  that's okay.  i have learned through all of this that god is big enough.  he's big enough to handle my seasons of anger, questioning, frustration and despair.  he's big enough to shoulder all of my emotions; none of them are too big for him.  and, most importantly, he's big enough to love me through it.  to hold me as i wrestle.  as i feel let down by the god who allowed my family to go through this.  allowed us to walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

never before has that verse felt so real to me.

so, this is where the rubber meets the road.  even though i don't feel grateful, joyful, peaceful... is my relationship with god anchored on feelings?  or what i know to be true?

driving back from the park today with my girls in tow, this familiar song played over our radio: "blessed be your name, in the land that is plentiful, where your streams of abundance flow... blessed be your name.  blessed be your name when i'm found in the desert place, though i walk through the wilderness... blessed be your name."  i smiled to myself and turned the radio dial up.  okay, god.  i'm listening.

one foot in front of the other.  relying on god's grace alone.  giving thanks for the little things.  allowing myself to not have it all together or appear as if i do.  that is how i'll make it through these next few months.

and maybe, one day, i'll be able to enjoy fall again.