hope.

we are in the midst of the christmas season, and yet i am heartbroken.  saddened.  sickened by what happened in that elementary school last friday.  it's like a constant weight... a cloud over my thoughts.  i've been struggling to grasp it all; unwilling to accept that this is the evil world in which we live.  in which we are raising our babies in.

as a mama, and also the wife of a school teacher and a school counselor myself, it's certain that the events of last week have spun my fear and anxiety into action.  it's easy to let my thoughts race and my imagination go to unthinkable places, and i've had to guard against becoming victim to those dark corners in my mind.  

still, those thoughts are very present.  

i can't help but notice that others are feeling and experiencing the same reactions.  heartbroken for those families, saddened for the town, and deeply fearful that it will happen again.

to help guard my thoughts and mind against paralyzing fear, i've been trying to counteract my anxiety with truth.  the truth is, not everyone in this world is evil.  in fact, the very same day that shooter took the lives of innocent precious ones, several staff people gathered at my school and spent the day wrapping gifts for some of our students who are in need.  it was honestly my favorite day of being on staff at my little elementary school.  we filled giant bags to the brim of wrapped gifts for about twenty families in our school.  the gifts were all bought by staff people, and their families and friends.  time and money generously given up.  sacrifice in order to bless others.

kindness still exists.  

our security may be shaken, but it has never (or should never) rest in man.  our security rests in the hope of jesus' return.

my father and i sang this old christmas hymn as a duet on a couple different occassions in church during the christmas season when i was growing up.  i can still hear his strong, bass voice belting out the words, and it gives me great comfort.  he no longer has to wait for jesus' return; he is already sitting at his feet.  rocking and singing in the ears of a few of those sweet students, no doubt.  having that picture in my mind brings tears to my eyes.

"come, thou long expected jesus,

born to set thy people free;

from our fears and sins release us,

let us find our rest in thee.

israel's strength and consolation,

hope of all the earth thou art;

dear desire of every nation,

joy of every longing heart.

born thy people to deliver,

born a child and yet a king.

born to reign in us forever,

now thy gracious kingdom bring.

by thine own eternal spirit

rule in all our hearts alone;

by thine all sufficient merit,

raise us to they glorious throne."

(come, thou long-expected jesus)

take care of yourself today.  guard your heart and your mind; counteract your fear with truth.  do something kind for someone else.  hug your loved ones.  say "i love you".  make memories.  count your blessings.  and remember that darkness will not win; jesus has overcome the world.  and he is our hope and peace.

*note: for those of you struggling to reconcile these words, god, and the newtown tragedy, please give this article a read.  i've battled for years the complicated balance of god's sovereignty and man's freedom to choose.  i don't think i'll ever fully understand it, but this article so eloquently expresses everything i've been unable to put into words.  

don't worry about anything...

 i'm pretty sure this verse in the fourth chapter of phillipians was written for me.  and other mamas out there who worry endlessly about their little one(s).  or big ones.  because i've heard a mama never stops worrying.

awesome.

anyone who knows me knows that i am a worrier.  big time.  sometimes i sit with nick and tell him all of the things that i'm worried about.  you should see the look on his face.  one time he told me "i really feel bad for you that you live like this."  i was shocked.  i am as equally flabbergasted by the fact that he doesn't fret about all of the things that i find so worrisome as he is about my always-racing-fearful-thoughts.

one of the many reasons we make a good pair.

my sweet bella grace has given me reason to worry from the time she was in my womb.  at our 20 week sonogram, we were over-the-moon excited to finally find out the gender of this baby that had taken over my belly.  before we heard the words "it's a girl!" our doctor informed us that bella's hearbeat had an irregularity and we would have to get it checked out further.  i remember leaving the appointment, getting into the elevator and resting my head on nick's shoulder, tears tumbling down my face.  to most people, it probably didn't seem all that uncommon... but to us, it was incredibly scary.  you see, nick's brother passed away when he was two years old due to heart complications.  to say we were scared would be an understatement.

we were terrified.

thankfully, everything turned out to be just fine with little bella.  her heartbeat corrected itself within days and she was born perfectly healthy.  but god used that scary time to teach me from the very beginning that my daughter is not my own.  and i will spend the rest of my life turning both of my girls over to his almighty hands.

i've known this sweet girl for two years now and she absolutely has my heart.  she can be a complete turkey, i promise you, but she is one of the greatest joys of my life.  and when she hurts, i hurt.  bella has *horrible* eczema.  it gets really, really bad.  and it makes her susceptible to all kinds of infections and sicknesses.  totally not fun.  this summer she has had impetigo, a yeast infection, a weird virus (rash, high fever, vomitting) and pulled her arm out of it's socket (on a day trip to the coast... complete with a visit to the emergency room and everything).

i'm constantly resisting the urge to google (which makes nick go crazy... a few weeks ago i thought she had meningitis and a week later i was afraid she was diabetic) or to let my thoughts start trailing too badly, or else i can end up a mess.  is there another reason her immune system is weak?  what if the eczema doesn't go away?  what if kids make fun of her in school because of it?  what if she catches something reallllly bad?  and on and on it goes.

so at night, after i put them to bed, i pray over them and ask god to help me to trust them to his care.  i can't do it on my own.  i want to hold on to them so badly, to protect them from anything and everything that could cause them any pain.  but i know i can't.  and i need him to help me continually turn my precious girls over to his almighty hands.  he is much more capable than i.  and his plans for them will use whatever pain they endure and weave it into a beautiful masterpiece that only he could create.

and that is what i want more than anything for my daughters.

so.  don't worry.  trust god.  learn to let go.  and last but not least, don't use google as a diagnostic tool.  these are the things that i am learning.

lord, help me not to hover.  help me trust these girls--these little ones that have my heart--to your sovereign care.  help me to live more freely, not bound by worry, but rather trusting in the plans you have for them and that you are writing for each of them a beautiful story; for you are good.

a mind of peace.

i'm sitting here this morning, in a rocking chair on my parents front porch. all around me, the notes of bird songs float through the still, blue skies. the sun is shining and there is a touch of chill in the morning air.

{ahhhhh}

in this anxiety-driven world, we are in need of peace. where our minds are quiet, our hearts are still... we feel no fear but instead fully surrendered. fully trusting.

i have always struggled with this.

last week, i wrote about how my husband and i met, and how god beautifully scripted our love story in a way that only he is perfect in doing. i also mentioned that god used that season of my life as another chapter--a pivotal one--in the love story continually unfolding between me and my sweet jesus.

when nick&i began talking about marriage, and i realized that i was completely head-over-heels for this man that had come into my life, panic set in. panic because i knew that god was asking me to fully surrender this relationship to him. panic that if i did, he would take it away. panic that i had no control over what was to come. panic that i was completely vulnerable... and therefore, completely open to experience hurt and pain.

and

what

if

loss?

you see, i have always been paralyzed with fear at the thought of losing someone i love. from the time i was a little girl, it has been my worst fear. fast forward twenty-three years. i had just moved to dallas, texas and found myself in a new city, trying to manage the demands of seminary and figuring out what my new life minus-any-of-my-friends-and-family was going to look like. that christmas, my father, who was my rock and my constant encourager, was diagnosed with a rare liver disease that will eventually lead to cirrhosis of the liver.

panic.

i don't think you ever go back to how life was before traumatic events shatter your reality. life can be richer, deeper and more beautiful, but the simplicity and perhaps the naivety that once protected your soul is gone. never to return. i'm still dealing with that. although i do desire to grow into a stronger woman and passionately pursue the heart of jesus, which i know doesn't happen through the easy circumstances of life. and yet sometimes i want to live in a bubble. the bubble of comfort, ease and safety.

since living life with open hands and surrendering those i love to the lord was already an anxiety-evoking-event in my life... imagine what it became after my dad's diagnosis. especially when nick cornwell entered the picture. my mind began racing, driven by fear and worry... always anticipating the worst; the "what ifs". that summer, before our engagement, i spiraled into the darkest season of my life. anxiety. depression.

i remember not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. life felt hopeless. i began living in my fears as if they were reality. everything was dark; even on the sunniest of days. my stomach was always a tangle of nerves and i could barely eat anything without feeling nauseous. i think i lost close to twenty pounds.

hopeless. fearful. anxiety-ridden.

in that pit, even reading my bible made me more anxious because i didn't trust god. my fear was telling me not to, because he had failed me with not healing my father. i didn't fully understand who he was... my view of him lead me to believe that he would cause all of my worst fears to come true so that i would become a "better christian". i didn't understand how much he loved me... and how he wanted me to rest in that love. all i could do was pray and listen to worship music to find even a semblance of the peace i so desperately longed for.

but god showed up.

the tears are flowing as i recall this season of my life because god so vividly showed up. he rescued me and delivered me through his faithfulness and love for me. i remember hearing his still voice constantly telling me to "cease striving" (which i know was him because who uses that phrase?! i certainly didn't). he lead me to two specific passages that i clung to for hope:

psalm 46:10 "be STILL and know that i am god"

and ephesians 3:17-20 which he used to reveal his unending love for me:

"...and i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of god. now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work within us."

in that dark, dark season of my life, jesus brought light. he gently showed me just how much he loved me so that i could rest in him... so that i could trust him; even with my hugest fears. he worked in ways that made his leading unmistakable so that i could see him and sense him even through the hopelessness that clouded my sight.

and i am forever changed because he loved me enough to be there, and speak in ways that were intimate whispers that only he&i knew.

living life with open hands is something i continue to struggle with, and probably always will. the first year we were married, every morning when nick left for work, fear formed in my stomach. fear that he would get in an accident and never come home. fear that i just kissed him for the last time. morbid, i know. but i would lie there in bed, heart paralyzed.

good thing god's grace is sufficient.

he's been continually restoring my heart and my mind. again... he is faithful. i still have my moments. when i look in on bella at night before i go to bed. when i watch the gentle rise-and-fall of her chest, feel her tiny hand grasp my finger, bury my face in the softness of her hair... my heart shatters for an instant at the thought of losing her. it's an everyday battle to give my loved ones over the hands of jesus and rest in his love for me... his plan perfectly unfolding in my life and knowing that he will be faithful to complete it.

{DISCLAIMER: i would be highly negligent to suggest that this journey of mine through depression and anxiety was healed completely through the bible, prayer and jesus. on the contrary! i also had the help of an *amazing* counselor and some equally-amazing-antidepressants. as a christian who is also an almost-licensed-counselor, this is something i'm very passionate about and want to make sure i am communicating that medication + therapy are oftentimes necessary components to help in the healing process!}

i read this quote on a blog i stumbled across last week that divinely ministered to my heart. another mama talking about her journey in this. i love it when i know i'm not alone.

"When a woman has a kingdom heart, she has an active understanding of what matters most to the heart of God. She lives in the balance of passion and contentment. She learns to love well, give without regard to self, and forgive without hesitation. The woman with a kingdom heart may have a duffel bag full of possessions or enough treasures to fill a mansion, but she has learned to hold them with an open hand. Hold everything with open hands. I don't think we are ever allowed to grab hold of anything or anyone as though they matter more than the kingdom of heaven. When you hold relationships with open hands, then people come in and out of your life as gifts of grace to be cherished and enjoyed, not objects to be owned and manipulated. And then when you hold your dreams with open hands, you get to watch God resurrect what seemed dead and multiply what seemed small."

amen.