i'm sitting here this morning, in a rocking chair on my parents front porch. all around me, the notes of bird songs float through the still, blue skies. the sun is shining and there is a touch of chill in the morning air. {ahhhhh}
in this anxiety-driven world, we are in need of peace. where our minds are quiet, our hearts are still... we feel no fear but instead fully surrendered. fully trusting.
i have always struggled with this.
last week, i wrote about how my husband and i met, and how god beautifully scripted our love story in a way that only he is perfect in doing. i also mentioned that god used that season of my life as another chapter--a pivotal one--in the love story continually unfolding between me and my sweet jesus.
when nick&i began talking about marriage, and i realized that i was completely head-over-heels for this man that had come into my life, panic set in. panic because i knew that god was asking me to fully surrender this relationship to him. panic that if i did, he would take it away. panic that i had no control over what was to come. panic that i was completely vulnerable... and therefore, completely open to experience hurt and pain.
and
what
if
loss?
you see, i have always been paralyzed with fear at the thought of losing someone i love. from the time i was a little girl, it has been my worst fear. fast forward twenty-three years. i had just moved to dallas, texas and found myself in a new city, trying to manage the demands of seminary and figuring out what my new life minus-any-of-my-friends-and-family was going to look like. that christmas, my father, who was my rock and my constant encourager, was diagnosed with a rare liver disease that will eventually lead to cirrhosis of the liver.
panic.
i don't think you ever go back to how life was before traumatic events shatter your reality. life can be richer, deeper and more beautiful, but the simplicity and perhaps the naivety that once protected your soul is gone. never to return. i'm still dealing with that. although i do desire to grow into a stronger woman and passionately pursue the heart of jesus, which i know doesn't happen through the easy circumstances of life. and yet sometimes i want to live in a bubble. the bubble of comfort, ease and safety.
since living life with open hands and surrendering those i love to the lord was already an anxiety-evoking-event in my life... imagine what it became after my dad's diagnosis. especially when nick cornwell entered the picture. my mind began racing, driven by fear and worry... always anticipating the worst; the "what ifs". that summer, before our engagement, i spiraled into the darkest season of my life. anxiety. depression.
i remember not wanting to get out of bed in the morning. life felt hopeless. i began living in my fears as if they were reality. everything was dark; even on the sunniest of days. my stomach was always a tangle of nerves and i could barely eat anything without feeling nauseous. i think i lost close to twenty pounds.
hopeless. fearful. anxiety-ridden.
in that pit, even reading my bible made me more anxious because i didn't trust god. my fear was telling me not to, because he had failed me with not healing my father. i didn't fully understand who he was... my view of him lead me to believe that he would cause all of my worst fears to come true so that i would become a "better christian". i didn't understand how much he loved me... and how he wanted me to rest in that love. all i could do was pray and listen to worship music to find even a semblance of the peace i so desperately longed for.
but god showed up.
the tears are flowing as i recall this season of my life because god so vividly showed up. he rescued me and delivered me through his faithfulness and love for me. i remember hearing his still voice constantly telling me to "cease striving" (which i know was him because who uses that phrase?! i certainly didn't). he lead me to two specific passages that i clung to for hope:
psalm 46:10 "be STILL and know that i am god"
and ephesians 3:17-20 which he used to reveal his unending love for me:
"...and i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of god. now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to the power that is at work within us."
in that dark, dark season of my life, jesus brought light. he gently showed me just how much he loved me so that i could rest in him... so that i could trust him; even with my hugest fears. he worked in ways that made his leading unmistakable so that i could see him and sense him even through the hopelessness that clouded my sight.
and i am forever changed because he loved me enough to be there, and speak in ways that were intimate whispers that only he&i knew.
living life with open hands is something i continue to struggle with, and probably always will. the first year we were married, every morning when nick left for work, fear formed in my stomach. fear that he would get in an accident and never come home. fear that i just kissed him for the last time. morbid, i know. but i would lie there in bed, heart paralyzed.
good thing god's grace is sufficient.
he's been continually restoring my heart and my mind. again... he is faithful. i still have my moments. when i look in on bella at night before i go to bed. when i watch the gentle rise-and-fall of her chest, feel her tiny hand grasp my finger, bury my face in the softness of her hair... my heart shatters for an instant at the thought of losing her. it's an everyday battle to give my loved ones over the hands of jesus and rest in his love for me... his plan perfectly unfolding in my life and knowing that he will be faithful to complete it.
{DISCLAIMER: i would be highly negligent to suggest that this journey of mine through depression and anxiety was healed completely through the bible, prayer and jesus. on the contrary! i also had the help of an *amazing* counselor and some equally-amazing-antidepressants. as a christian who is also an almost-licensed-counselor, this is something i'm very passionate about and want to make sure i am communicating that medication + therapy are oftentimes necessary components to help in the healing process!}
i read this quote on a blog i stumbled across last week that divinely ministered to my heart. another mama talking about her journey in this. i love it when i know i'm not alone.
"When a woman has a kingdom heart, she has an active understanding of what matters most to the heart of God. She lives in the balance of passion and contentment. She learns to love well, give without regard to self, and forgive without hesitation. The woman with a kingdom heart may have a duffel bag full of possessions or enough treasures to fill a mansion, but she has learned to hold them with an open hand. Hold everything with open hands. I don't think we are ever allowed to grab hold of anything or anyone as though they matter more than the kingdom of heaven. When you hold relationships with open hands, then people come in and out of your life as gifts of grace to be cherished and enjoyed, not objects to be owned and manipulated. And then when you hold your dreams with open hands, you get to watch God resurrect what seemed dead and multiply what seemed small."
amen.
