a mustard seed.

so having a baby has taught me a lot lately about life. i've learned how to manage soothing a crying newborn while using my free hand to do laundry and dishes. i've figured out how to keep the bouncer seat, swing and swaddle in a constant rotation. i've even researched things like baby gas. who knew it would be so explosive? what i didn't know is how much i would learn on a daily basis about the lord as my provider, as nick&i have taken on that role for our sweet bella.

i tend to worry. it's not a secret. i don't try to hide it because it's me. i'm trying to work on it and the lord has given me some victory but i'm just going to lay that out there from the beginning. if you know me well, this is no surprise. i remember periods of sleeplessness when i was pregnant just wondering how everything would work out once this baby entered our lives. would we have everything we needed? what about bottles or carseats or the million little dresses that i had seen at target the other day that she just HAD to have? how would finances work? and what about childcare? and would i be able to stay home a few days a week to be with her and still be able to pursue what god was leading me to do? yes. this was the constant audio tape running through my mind between bathroom breaks at 4 am as i laid awake in bed, trying to get comfortable with a watermelon protruding out of my shirt. ahhhh, pregnancy.

one day i was in the kitchen thinking about all of these things when i leaned against the counter and propped up my filled-with-worries-little head on my elbows right infront of our spice rack. don't you just love it when the lord speaks to you? when *BAM* you know there's a little something that he gives you to speak into your craziness at that moment? well this particular evening it was the little jar of mustard seeds in our spice rack. crazy, i know but as my eye caught that container immediately i remembered the verse in matthew "if you have faith even as small as a mustard seed..."

there are many times when bella is crying and flailing away (you'd think i never feed my child by the looks of her sometimes) that i catch myself saying to her "bella... calm down, sweetie. do you think that mama's not going to feed you?" the first time i said that i did a mental double take. hmmm. i think the lord says that to me alot. "megan... calm down. do you think i'm not going to take care of you?"

right now so much seems to be up in the air in our lives. nick&i had the "perfect" little plan for once bella entered the scene. just a couple of weeks ago, that plan burst like a balloon when pricked by a needle. the daycare we were going to send bella to a couple days a week called nick to inform us that they were closing and thus not able to fulfill their role in our ever-so-thought-out strategy. now, we find ourselves at a loss and not quite sure what the next months hold for us financially or many other ways. it is scary especially for this worrisome girl, but i know somehow it will all be okay. i don't know how the picture will look, but i know god does. he's the photographer, actually. and i'm trying to make that enough for me.

as i look at my precious daughter, i can't help but *want* to provide for her. i love getting to meet her needs (okay, okay... i maybe don't love that 4 am diaper change but you get the picture). it's just second nature for my mama-heart. i know it's the same way with god. it's not always easy to trust him. it's not always fun. he doesn't always provide for our wants but he always provides for our NEEDS. i get discouraged sometimes when i don't know and can't see how everything will work out. but i guess that's trust. it's faith. faith that god will pull through. and it's a good thing to know that we only need to have faith the size of a mustard seed because sometimes that's just all we have. thanks, god, for taking it easy on us and for being so patient. because those little buggers are pretty tiny.