when i'm an older mom...

{source}

my kids are always a little crazy.  by nature, they are active and silly and strong willed and love to dance.  on my impatient days, it makes me want to poke my eyes out.  but on my good days, i love it.  no, it's not easy.  but i'm thankful that they are just what they're meant to be... kids.

these days, they are particularly nuts.  i mean, every mama of littles in the month of december deserves a trophy or something.  or a trip to the spa.  or just a really, really long nap.  because wow... their normal bouncing-of-the-wallness quadruples during this month.  i've found myself praying for an extra measure of patience and grace because... their extra energy and excitement is hard to take at times, but watching my girls at christmastime; well, there's just nothing like it.

today, we met up with some of our good friends for lunch at our favorite place, the bagel shop downtown.  the kids were all extra excited to see each other, and us mamas were getting together for one last time, as one of our dear friends is moving away.  we sat, making our best attempt to carry on a conversation while our kids ate their bagels and we tried to wipe smeared cream cheese from their faces and fingers.  it didn't take long for them to be finished, and they were getting... well... even more excited...

they began to dance and sing (a little loudly) and chase each other in a circle.  they giggled and they got a little louder, and they listened as we scooched down to tell them they needed to be a bit more quiet.  and then, it was time to go and there were tantrums and spilled water and tears and flailing... and embarrassed moms, and bottom lips bitten and flushed cheeks.  and after we got them bundled up and wrestled them to the door, an older lady stopped us and offered an unwelcomed suggestion: "maybe next time you should bring crayons."

and the exhausted and flustered mamas were now just annoyed, defeated and discouraged.  alright, lady: do you remember what it was like wrangling your kids to the door to get ready for an outing?  and on a -11 degree day?  there are jackets, there are mittens and hats and boots... and then your own jacket, mittens and boots... and the check to bring to the bank, and the letter to mail at the post office, and the shopping list to bring to the store... no time to even think about bringing crayons.  goodness, it's a success story that i'm even leaving the house at all.

moments like this make me think how hard it is to be a young mom.  we've all been offered unwelcomed suggestions from complete strangers and it can get downright discouraging.  it's also made me consider how i can encourage young moms when i'm in a later season of life.  because isn't that what we should be doing for each other?

i've also been on the other side of this.  when older moms have encouraged me, it has meant the world. after all, they know more than anyone what this thing called motherhood is like.  when they show interest in my children and geniunely enjoy them.  when they help me when i'm sick, or when they leave an unexpected treat at my doorstep.  when they take my girls to do something not only so that i can have a second to breathe, but also because they love my babies.  now that is a blessing.

and so i vow to myself that when i'm an older mom, and my kids have grown... i will remember what it's like to be in charge of tiny, independent, excitable, full of energy little ones.  i will think how i can help; maybe i can be the one to wipe up the spilled water.  maybe open a door, or let a mom of little ones have my place in line.  i will try to pay attention to see who might need some extra help, some encouragement, a bright spot in their day.  i will be patient with their children and treat them as blessings, not as annoyances.  and i will approach mamas in public--not to give them advice or to state my opinion--but to merely say "hang in there, mama; you're doing a good job."

because us mamas need to hear that more often.  it's the hardest job we'll ever have.

a christmas-y weekend.

i have been really excited about this weekend.  we had some fun things planned for our little family and it did not disappoint.  we did get snowed in today, but it was a good day to be in our pj's and watch the pretty white stuff outside.

friday night, we headed to a big old historical home downtown for "santa claus for a cause", an event to raise money for the cancer center at our local hospital.  it was *frigid* and when i say "frigid", i mean sub zero temps.  seriously.  so cold.  so we didn't stay for long, but it was one of the most beautiful things i've ever been to.  a big old home, luminaries lining the driveway, pictures with santa on the front porch, homemade goodies and lots of old fashioned christmasness.  it was totally up my alley.

we went with some good friends, and everyone came over to our house after for chinese takeout, christmas movies and parents trying to visit amidst the kid-craziness.  absolutely love having our families do life together, and our kiddos make memories like these... so thankful for our friends.

saturday, we packed up and headed to portland... a few weeks ago, my sister and i bought tickets for both of our families to go to "the polar express", a ride along the ocean in an old train designed to emulate the polar express.  growing up, our mom read us this book every christmas eve, so we were super pumped!  i'll post more on this later, but here are a few photos...

the girls absolutely LOVED it!  i will never forget their little faces, and watching them sip their hot chocolate, dance up and down the aisle of the train and greet santa with hugs.  such a magical experience for them.  it's the stuff i live for as their mama; such a joy to watch them experience christmastime!  we drove home after the ride singing christmas songs on the radio, giddy with excitement that a huge snowstorm was coming.  we kind of love being snowed in.

sure enough, this morning we woke up to a fresh blanket of snow and flakes still falling from the sky.  it snowed all day long.  we drank hot chocolate, bundled up on the couch and watched "the polar express", watched football and nick&i took turns shoveling and clearing the driveway.

it was the perfect ending to a wonderful weekend!  many times over the last few days i have stopped, drank in all of these precious moments, and thanked the lord for his many gifts.

so very grateful.

instafriday.

apple locket

pizza picnic with a side of "frosty the snowman"

homemade pad thai for dinner on this snowy night

bookworm

christmas on a silver platter

it's a hot-chocolate-in-a-santa-mug kind of morning

winter playdate

thankful: for this rare quiet time to start off my day because two babies are sleeping past seven

looking on to big sis's gymnastics class

it was freezing, but no tears!

three mamas performing emergency surgery on a decapitated baby doll to save my one year old from severe trauma

buddies all snuggled up for a christmas movie

dear bella.

dear bella,

you are just my sticky sweet, oozing with over-the-top-friendliness little social butterfly.  it is SO FUNNY to watch you!  you talk to all kids (even ones older than you) in an almost motherly like tone that is so hilarious.  you are social beyond your years, and sometimes i watch with a little pain in my heart as you confidently go up to everyone and anyone and introduce yourself "hi, my name is bella and i'm three. what's your name?  how old are you?"  and, sometimes, the unsuspecting child is so thrown off by you that they don't know how to take it.  which always makes me sad for you, but you never seem to notice.  you are three going on twenty three.  you are so outgoing, so happy go lucky... the world is your oyster.  i love your attitude, your spunk, your sparkle.  because you do indeed, my sweetheart, shine with such a brightness.  you are one of a kind.

today, at your gymnastics class, you walked into the waiting room and excitedly declared "mama, i need to go say hi to all of my friends!" and you proceeded to go up to all of your classmates and chat their little ears off :)  my favorite part is you always introduce emmy saying "and this is my friend, emmy", which i totally love.  you're very aware of her and want to bring her along with you to talk to whoever you are talking to.  and she is always your "friend", never your "sister".

you've been telling everyone that it's my birthday.  every day lately, it has been my birthday.  the librarian, your gymnastics teacher, random people we see in the store... i was telling meme how you've had a hard time with halloween ending, and then thanksgiving, so i was a bit nervous about you being really sad when christmas was over (which is totally like me, my girl.  i get it; we love our holidays!).  in an effort to help, she was talking to you recently and was telling you everything we have to look forward to after christmas.  somehow, you totally got stuck on my birthday.  that day, when you woke up from your nap, i had finished decorating for christmas.  you came out and excitedly exclaimed "mama!  you decorated for your birthday!!"

you absolutely LOVE helping me in the kitchen.  it's so cute.  anytime i'm making anything you want to help and you'll say "mama, i'm such a good helper girl aren't i?"  you loved thanksgiving baking and helped me make a chocolate cream pie.  we wore our aprons and you pulled a chair over and stood with me at the stovetop, stirring the chocolate filling.  it makes you feel important, and you get so proud.  it's stressful for me, and i struggle with being patient, but i know how much you love to help me so i always want to let you do it.  i absolutely love making memories with you in the kitchen.  it's so important to me that i pass cooking down to you, and that you have a special connection with cooking and recipes that hold memories for you.  food has always been a big part of our family, love, and i can see that blossoming in you already.  you also love watching the food network with me on our computer after you wake up from your nap.  it's our little tradition.  you wake up and come out and snuggle on the couch with me and say "mama, can i watch a cooking show with you?"  sometimes we watch quite a few until emmy wakes up, and you are just mesmerized.  the pioneer woman is your favorite.  you told me the other day that you want to have a cooking show when you grow up and you will make brownies, chocolate, grilled cheese and peanut butter.  i'll totally be your number one fan.  those afternoons snuggled next to you on the couch as we watch our cooking shows are some of my favorite parts of our days together.

you are so funny when you wake up in the morning.  if i'm up before you, i can hear your feet hit the floor and you shuffle out, usually your blankie in your face and you peer up at me, eyes still half asleep.  i literally think the minute your eyes open from the middle of slumber, you are up, not wanting to miss anything.  you're doing much better at night; we went through a little stretch there for a while where you were having a hard time waking up in the middle of the night, afraid.  you'd end up in between daddy and i several times a week. but now sometimes we wake up in the morning to the hall light being on, and know that instead of rushing into our room, you just got up when you were afraid, turned the hall light on and went back to sleep.  so many things that you do like this make me realize how grown up you are.  it's pretty amazing.  especially because to me, you are still that squinty eyed baby with the crazy black hair that stole my heart the minute you were put on my chest.  i can't believe it, my bella girl.  you are getting so big.

when you were going through your fearful stage, i explained to you a lot that jesus is always with you.  we started talking quite a bit about jesus coming into your heart, and what that meant.  the next night, as daddy and i were laying with you in your bed before it was time for you to go to sleep you said "i think i want to ask jesus to come into my heart."  daddy and i looked at each other with smiles on our faces and started talking to you about it.  we asked what jesus was going to forgive you for and when you replied "my breakfast" we figured you probably were not ready :)  you've asked a couple time since, and we always pray with you even though we know you don't totally understand it all yet.  we're definitely not going to turn down any request of yours to ask jesus to come into your heart!  i love seeing your childlike faith; it's such a beautiful thing.

you love having me come in and lay down with you for a couple minutes before you go to sleep (by the way, for you everything is "fifteen minutes"... can we lay down with you for fifteen minutes... can you play before bed for fifteen minutes... can we read books for fifteen minutes).  you've been wanting me to tell you stories a lot lately about when you were a baby.  since it's christmastime right now, everything is: "mama, can you tell me about a little girl named bella and her first christmas?"  or, a little girl named emmy, or meg, or a little boy named nick.  you love hearing stories about our family.  we always lay, nose to nose, as i tell you stories, stroke your hair and sing to you.  i love it.

you are super pumped about christmas, and have had crazy amounts of energy and giddyness this month.  all you've been asking for and hoping santa brings you is a sleeping beauty barbie doll.  you've been wanting one for months.  every morning you wake up and ask me "mom, is it christmas eve yet?"  the other day i had to show you a calendar and try to explain that we have a few more weeks until christmas, but this is all christmastime so it's very fun and exciting even though it won't be christmas for a bit.  you still ask me every day.  and you get really excited about snow.  the other morning i woke up to you whispering in my ear "mama, come look!  i woke up and saw snow!!!"

your sense of time totally cracks me up.  yesterday to you is "last year", six months ago to you is "last night"... you're all over the map and i love it.

you still have moments where you lose it, and controlling your emotions is very difficult.  a few weeks ago, we had a very tough few days.  emmy was sick and you were jealous of all of the attention and care she was getting.  you still like for me to carry you sometimes, and you didn't like that i was carrying emmy everywhere and not you.  this resulted in quite a scene at the doctor's office one day and it did not end well.  i lost it and had to apologize to you later for losing my temper with you.  you and i are so much alike, my sweets.  i see so much of myself--my strengths and my weaknesses--in you.  i hope that i can help you grow in your strengths and learn to manage the areas where you struggle.  i hope that i can be someone that is not only your mama, but someone who you want to grow up to be.

one of my favorite things is to look in your eyes and tell you just how much i love you.  you have such a beautiful, sweet little face with hazel eyes that are so bright and joyful.  your face immediately lights up with that dimpled smile of yours and you kiss me and throw your arms around my neck, telling me you love me too.  we have such a special relationship, you and i, and i hope we always do.  i love you like crazy, my bella girl.  can't wait to continue to watch you grow and blossom.  god has great plans for you, and i am so glad i get to be your mama.

love you to the moon and back (and back and back),
mama

dear emmy.

dear emmy,

you are awesome.  you are sweet and cute and full of joy and you are naughty and pesky and full of spirit.  you have a huge temper.  lately, when you don't get your way, you tense up, eyes all big and wide, and you let out a long screech.  you make us laugh all the time.  i always tell daddy that i have never seen a one year old with such an innate sense of humor like you have.  it's pretty hilarious.  and incredible.  i think it's a gift, my girl, to be able to make people laugh.  and to laugh at yourself.  you love big, sweet ems.  you are so kind and affectionate it melts my heart.  i was driving home from a conference last week and called daddy.  you wanted to get on the phone and jabbered away and then i heard "mahhh!" as you kissed the phone.  it made me want to cry and i couldn't wait to come home and squeeze you!  you love life and you live it with such joy.  i just love it, and i so enjoy watching you experience and take on this world.

one of my favorite things about you right now is that you love holding my hand.  even here at home, if i'm in the other room and you want to show me something, you'll come in and yank on my leg and say "mama!" and reach up to take my hand and lead me to where you want me to go.  whenever we walk to the car, you'll stop and hold out your hand for me to hold.  i love the feel of your soft, chubby hand in mine.  it never gets old.  and i wish i could freeze time so that i will always remember you wanting to hold my hand, and the look on your face as you look up at me, sweetly asking me to come with you.  it is just the cutest thing.  YOU are just the cutest thing.

you have the deepest brown eyes that are full of such expression.  they also give you away when you've done something you're not supposed to.  you are a little trouble maker, my love!!  and you know it.  you love looking at us sideways with this coy look in your eyes, and daddy and i always laugh because we just can't help it.  your eyes also get so wide with excitement which is so fun to watch...  they are bright and impish and joyful and when they are full of tears, i have to scoop you right up.  when you cry, it breaks my heart.

you were pretty sick a couple of weeks ago and it was the saddest thing.  you just laid on our chests and slept all day.  we loved the extra snuggles and the rare times of you being so still, but it was so hard for mama and daddy to see you like that.  one night, before i went to bed, i went in to check on you.  i immediately came out to get daddy because i could not stop laughing.  there you were, sound asleep, sitting straight up in the corner of your bed!  it was the funniest sight, and yet made us so sad because we knew you were so sick and so tired to have fallen asleep like that!  we were happy to have our wild girl back once you were feeling better.

today was one of your naughty-er days.  you broke one of the sheep that goes with my nativity set, you stood in the middle of our living room floor and repeatedly spouted water out of your mouth, laughing hysterically as it dribbled all over the floor, you found your hair bow basket on your changing table and dumped it all over your floor four different times after i scolded you each time (and every time i found you with a huge smile on your face, so excited for me to discover what you had done... again...) and you've learned how to rip your diaper off at naptime... even after i thought i had outsmarted you and put it on backwards.  nope; you still figured it out.  you are a handful!

another sign of your sweetest side is your budding maternal nature at the age of one.  seriously.  you are OBSESSED with babies!!!!  everywhere you go, your baby dolls go.  now at night, you need two baby dolls tucked right in with you and your bunny blanket.  if you're missing one you ask for it until she is safely snuggled by your side.  you carry them everywhere and sing to them, dance with them, kiss them... it gets really great when we see a real baby in public.  your eyes get all big and you repeat "beebee, beebee, beebee..." loudly over and over.  it's the sweetest.  i love it.

you've been talking more and more, starting to put a few words together.  your favorites: "no, bella!", "thank you, mama", "hi bella" or "hi daddy" and "pretty mama" (you kept saying as i was putting on makeup today... you love when i pretend to put makeup on you!)  you sing along with every song, even if you don't know it, but the ones you do know, you are starting to remember some of the words!  it's awesome.

speaking of singing, you LOVE it.  and you especially love to dance.  and let me tell you, you totally are your father's daughter.  right now, you are totally obsessed with the song "roar" by katy perry and it's pretty awesome.  you love singing it, and you also love dancing to it.  and if bella gets in your way you get a little upset (that's where the "no, bella!" comes in).  you also love it when i sing to you.  you calm right down and cuddle in to me when i sing.  you were even like that in my belly, sweet pea.  you would be moving around and the minute i started singing, you'd calm.  it melts my heart.

you love to say grace at dinner.  you'll say "pray!  pray!" if we don't do it the second we all sit down.  then you reach out your hands for them to be held, and you giggle and look around at all of our faces.  for some reason, you think it's the funniest thing.  you love it when we're all together.  you'll go around, pointing to each of us saying "da-ey!  bewwa!  mama!"  sometimes you call me "mommy" but you pronounce it "mi-mey".  i love it.  and try to get you to say it every chance i get.

you love your meme.  she has been spending fridays with you this fall while i finish up my requirements for certification as a school counselor.  the other night before bed bella said something about meme coming over; you ran to the front door, and with your hand on the doorknob started calling for meme over and over.  i had to explain to you she wasn't coming yet, and you were not happy.

some of your favorite things right now: babies, playing with daddy, elmo, music, books, cheese, trips to the library, "airplane rides" with mama, dancing, racing with jude... and you are fast.

this is your first christmas where you're active and aware of what's going on so it's really fun, and also a little bit stressful!  you're always touching the tree, and looking at us, testing us.  you like to take your baby and swing her so she crashes into the tree.  for the most part, you've done pretty well.  but you definitely like to push our buttons.  i took you out to play in the snow the other day for the first time since you've been walking; last winter you just sat in a sled.  you didn't like it at first; i showed you how to make a snowman and you cried the entire time.  but you took my hand and wanted to walk up and down our driveway a few times, and then you were used to it.  today we went out again with a few of our friends and you were running around, keeping up with them all.  i think you're going to be a snow girl like your big sister (and mama).

you keep us on our toes, emmy girl.  i love you more than life.  you are truly one of my most favorite people in this entire world, and i'm not just saying that because you're my daughter.  you are awesome.

i love you to the moon and back (and back and back),
mama

instafriday.

a new christmas tradition!

"mama guess what?  i woke up and saw snow!" the excited whispers i woke up to this morning

thanksgiving leftover panini

it's a snowy world outside my kitchen window

emmy, meet frosty

just me and my emmy girl

everywhere she goes, her baby dolls go

watching rudolph with my girl.  she loves it, i promise

candlelit windows

the hutch all prettied up for christmas

how i love thursday outings to our little library in the woods

bella was super pumped to have one of her best buddies come to gymnastics with her today

watching one of my favorite things with one of my most favorite girls

multitude monday.

{source}

864.  when emmy reaches for my hand.
865.  being woken up by bella's excited whispers that it's snowing.
866.  the twinkling lights of our christmas tree.
867.  unwrapping ornaments, laden with memories.
868.  red pom pom trim.
869.  walking through the snow with my baby girl.
870.  bella's day on the town, just she and meme.
871.  a quiet house on a snowy day.
872.  the pine trees framing our backyard.
873.  snuggling under blankets.
874.  family outings.  even if it's just to the grocery.
875.  playing games with friends, gathered around our dining room table.
876.  pumpkin pie.
877.  the sounds of a plow going by on the streets outside.
878.  the whimsy of my christmas village.
879.  seeing christmastime through the eyes of my children.
880.  watching nick love on his girls.