dear bella.

dear bella,

you have been so full of joy these days.  you have been excited about everything!  it has truly been such a special christmas season; i have loved getting to experience everything through your eyes.

you have been such a good girl lately.  mama and daddy had a serious struggle with you for a bit.  you are full of independance, strong will, and when you didn't get your way you were starting to hit or kick.  not good.  we worked with you on it for a long time and it finally started to sink in.  we started a chart with you where you can get stickers for picking up your toys, being kind, obeying us and staying in your bed at naptime and nighttime.  you *love* getting stickers for your chart and get so excited!  it's so sweet.  you really have been doing so well and we are SO proud of you!

your bible verse the past couple of weeks is "for unto us a child is born, to us a son is given" isaiah 9:6.  i love hearing your little voice say these words.  you also love to talk about baby jesus and mary and the "nativery", you call it.  when we ask you where baby jesus was born, you say "bethlehem" and when we ask you why, you say "he is the hope of the world."

last week i had one of my most favorite nights.  we got all dressed up and i took you to see the musical "annie" at the penobscot theatre.  i wrote everything down that i wanted to remember because it was just so precious.  just before the play started, the lights went down and the director came out and welcomed everyone.  she was very enthusiastic and had a loud voice.  you did not like this.  you jumped into my lap and started saying out loud "i want to go home!  i want to go home!!!" and then, "i want my blankie!!!!!"  everyone around us got a good chuckle.  but once the play started, you were mesmerized.  it was adorable.  you kept asking for annie when she wasn't on the stage, and you even liked ms. hannagan, but made a point to say "she's not nice" whenever she came on the scene.  when the actors came up close, you'd wave and say "hiiiii!".  the play was three hours long, and you sat in my lap, eyes glued to the stage almost the entire time.  at the end of each act, you got down and danced in your seat singing "tomorrow".  everyone that was sitting around us loved watching you and commented on how well behaved you were.  you were just so cute; i never want to forget it.  when i was buckling you into your carseat after the play was over you said, "mama, thank you so much for taking me to see annie!  that was so fun"  i got tears in my eyes.

you love talking on the phone these days and it is just so cute.  one of my favorite things is getting to talk to you; you sound so grown up.  you always say "i yuv you so much, mama."  and it melts my heart.  today we were in the kitchen and you came plowing me over for a hug and said "you are the best in the whole world."  ahhhhhh.

probably my favorite thing about you is your tender little heart.  the other day we were driving out of walmart and we saw a homeless man in the parking lot asking for money.  i told you what he was doing and asked you if you thought we should buy him some food.  so, we drove through mcdonalds and fully expecting you to throw a fit because the food wasn't for you, i told you we were taking it to the man who didn't have a house, and that we had food for you at home.  you were so great and didn't make a peep about wanting a happy meal :)  after we delivered him the food and were driving home you said "mama, i'm so glad.  i'm so glad we gave that man some food."  i just love your heart.

you are obsessed with everything christmas.  all the movies, the music and fun activities.  we drove around looking at christmas lights the other night and you were awesome.  every two seconds you kept saying "oh WOW everybody!  look!  it's soooo coooool."  daddy and i got a good laugh.  your favorite thing is having a "christmas picnic" for lunch... which basically means eating lunch and watching a christmas movie.  the other day we were driving home from auntie's house and you said "okay, let's have crackers and peanut butter and my juice and have a christmas picnic and watch frosty.  sound good?  sound like a plan?"

today was the first time we've had snow to play in this winter.  when i put emmy down for her morning nap, you and i got bundled up and went out to play.  we raced around the yard, tried to make a snowman, and i showed you how to make snowballs and throw them.   i also showed you how to make snow angels and when you saw them you said "okay, let's make mary and baby jesus too."

my favorite moment was just laying down in the snow with you, our heads together, staring up at the sky.  we talked about all the things we saw; you saw pink hot air balloons.  i love your imagination.

you are such a joy in my life, my sweet bella grace.  i've been snuggling you tighter and holding you longer these days, as i am so aware that they are passing all too quickly.  i never want to forget where you are right now.  your sweet, kind, loving heart and just how cute and affectionate you are.

love you with all my heart, precious girl,
mama

hope.

we are in the midst of the christmas season, and yet i am heartbroken.  saddened.  sickened by what happened in that elementary school last friday.  it's like a constant weight... a cloud over my thoughts.  i've been struggling to grasp it all; unwilling to accept that this is the evil world in which we live.  in which we are raising our babies in.

as a mama, and also the wife of a school teacher and a school counselor myself, it's certain that the events of last week have spun my fear and anxiety into action.  it's easy to let my thoughts race and my imagination go to unthinkable places, and i've had to guard against becoming victim to those dark corners in my mind.  

still, those thoughts are very present.  

i can't help but notice that others are feeling and experiencing the same reactions.  heartbroken for those families, saddened for the town, and deeply fearful that it will happen again.

to help guard my thoughts and mind against paralyzing fear, i've been trying to counteract my anxiety with truth.  the truth is, not everyone in this world is evil.  in fact, the very same day that shooter took the lives of innocent precious ones, several staff people gathered at my school and spent the day wrapping gifts for some of our students who are in need.  it was honestly my favorite day of being on staff at my little elementary school.  we filled giant bags to the brim of wrapped gifts for about twenty families in our school.  the gifts were all bought by staff people, and their families and friends.  time and money generously given up.  sacrifice in order to bless others.

kindness still exists.  

our security may be shaken, but it has never (or should never) rest in man.  our security rests in the hope of jesus' return.

my father and i sang this old christmas hymn as a duet on a couple different occassions in church during the christmas season when i was growing up.  i can still hear his strong, bass voice belting out the words, and it gives me great comfort.  he no longer has to wait for jesus' return; he is already sitting at his feet.  rocking and singing in the ears of a few of those sweet students, no doubt.  having that picture in my mind brings tears to my eyes.

"come, thou long expected jesus,

born to set thy people free;

from our fears and sins release us,

let us find our rest in thee.

israel's strength and consolation,

hope of all the earth thou art;

dear desire of every nation,

joy of every longing heart.

born thy people to deliver,

born a child and yet a king.

born to reign in us forever,

now thy gracious kingdom bring.

by thine own eternal spirit

rule in all our hearts alone;

by thine all sufficient merit,

raise us to they glorious throne."

(come, thou long-expected jesus)

take care of yourself today.  guard your heart and your mind; counteract your fear with truth.  do something kind for someone else.  hug your loved ones.  say "i love you".  make memories.  count your blessings.  and remember that darkness will not win; jesus has overcome the world.  and he is our hope and peace.

*note: for those of you struggling to reconcile these words, god, and the newtown tragedy, please give this article a read.  i've battled for years the complicated balance of god's sovereignty and man's freedom to choose.  i don't think i'll ever fully understand it, but this article so eloquently expresses everything i've been unable to put into words.  

potterybarn poinsettia pillow knockoff.

its a cozy, snowy day here in maine and i'm loving it.  we haven't had much snow this winter so i just keep looking out our windows, admiring the falling snowflakes.  snow a few days before christmas is the best kind.

this morning i finished up a pair of christmas pillows for the couch that i've been plugging away at over the past couple weeks.  for a while now i've been wanting to get some cute, christmas-y throw pillows to add to my holiday decor.  i'd looked at a few different stores but never really found what i was looking for.  so, i decided it was time to learn how to use the ole sewing machine that nick's grandmother gave me.  it's been sitting in the box now for about two and a half years ago because i've been too scared to use it.  

if you know anything about me, you know that i do whatever i can to avoid sewing.  we're talking stitch witchery and glue guns, people.  

but after a sewing lesson from a long time (and very patient!) family friend, i learned the basics.  yes, there were a few times i wanted to throw that thing out the window (last night something went wrong with my machine and i literally re-thread that sucker and messed with the bobbin at least seventy five times while trying not to curse.  nick found it highly amusing)... but with a little perserverance, youtube video tutorials and a couple glasses of wine, i conquered that little singer machine.  

here's the finished product:

what i love about making my own things is that i can get exactly what i want... i saw these potterybarn poinsettia pillows while browsing their christmas decor one day and i knew i wanted to try to make a knockoff version.

here's what i did.

materials

* fabric for pillow cover (i used a greyish, light blue)

* pillow or pillow insert

* felt for petals (i used an off-white color)

* thread

* basic sewing machine

* scissors

* paper

* pens

* glue gun (yes, i did use my glue gun for part of this!)

* mini jingle bells (i used silver)

- measure your pillow insert and cut out two pieces of your fabric that is at least an inch longer on all sides.  sew a basic pillow cover.

- take basic white paper and cut out four larger petals, four medium petals and eight smaller petals.  using pins, arrange them on a pillow to practice your layout.  you can totally skip this step, i'm just somewhat perfectionistic.

- once you have a look you like, use the paper petals as templates to cut them out of felt.  

- using your sewing machine, set the stitch to a wider setting (my machine goes from 0-4, and i set it to 4) and stitch a straight seam down the middle of your petals.  taking the bobbin thread, pull to gather and create a slight ruffling effect for your petals.

- using a glue gun, attach your petals to your pillow in the layout you previously arranged.  i didn't lay mine flat because i liked them to have some dimension to them.

- glue several jingle bells to the middle and voila!  you are done.  and probably saved about 20 big ones.

i *love* these pretty pillows.  i also love the fact that they're not super christmas-y so i can keep them out through the winter months.  thanks for the inspiration, potterybarn.

merry christmas from our snowy home to yours!

this post was linked to these *lovely* blogs:

vintage gwen

diy by design
chef in training
home by ally
knick of time
tatertots & jello
diy showoff
diana rambles
it's overflowing
at the picket fence

peace on earth, goodwill to men.

{source}

nick has gone to pick us up chinese food.  my girls are all nestled in their beds.  and i am sitting here on the couch glued to the horror that is the news today.

i can't take my eyes off it.  even though i want to do all i can do to take my mind off it.  i am heartbroken.

heartbroken for those precious lives lost.  heartbroken for the giant holes in the hearts of those who are grieving.  heartbroken for yet another reminder of just how insanely evil our world can be.

i know i'm not alone when i say that the news of this horrific school shooting has left me numb, sick to my stomach and in tears all afternoon.  not only am i a parent of two little ones, but i work at an elementary school two days a week as a school counselor.  every day, i look into the precious eyes of the sweetest little children who have their whole lives ahead of them.  blank pages, ready to be filled.  white canvases, waiting to be colored.  thinking of my kids--at school, or sweet babies at home--in the scenario we saw played out today is far too much for me to bear.

soul crushing.  tragic.  sickening.

i have been reminding myself of many things this afternoon.  that even though days like today make us feel anxious, unsafe and fearful, the future is not unknown.  the grasp of evil may seem strong, but jesus is stronger still.  and he will be victorious.  all day the words to one of my favorite hymns have been echoing in my brain:

"this is my father's world, oh let me ne'er forget, 

that though the wrong seems oft so strong, god is the ruler yet. 

 this is my father's world, the battle is not done; 

jesus who died shall be satisfied and earth and heaven be one."

(this is my father's world)

we've been talking a lot about the christmas story these days.  i want it to be more than just seasonal rhetoric for our girls, but something they truly celebrate and understand.  this year, when we've been trying to teach bella the reason baby jesus was born.  when we ask her, she says "baby jesus is that he is the HOPE of the world."  it makes my heart swell.  and her sweetly-spoken words are a great reminder to my grieving, fearful heart today.

and on days like these, we desperately need hope.  the news of sweet children's lives being stolen from them; parents and families being robbed of so many memories, so many hugs, so many joys... it's just too much to take in.  jesus, come quickly.

a friend of mine posted these words this afternoon and as i read them, tears streamed down my face.  how perfectly this old christmas hymn sums up so much of my heart:

"and in despair i bowed my head: 

there is no peace in earth, i said. 

 for hate is strong and mocks the song 

of peace on earth, good will to men. 

 then pealed the bells more loud and deep 

god is not dead, nor doth he sleep; 

 the wrong shall fail, the right prevail, 

with peace on earth goodwill to men."

(i heard the bells on christmas day)

hug your babies tightly tonight.  memorize their little faces.  tell them just how much you love them.  let today serve as a reminder that every moment with the ones we love is truly a gift.

multitude monday.

552.  my sweet little thumbsucker.

553.  our house, lit up and cozy, at night.

554.  frosted christmas cookies.

555.  saturday morning pancakes.

556.  cousin time.

557.  nighttime snuggles with rudolf.

558.  bella's excitement over her very own tree.

559.  christmastime baking.

560.  daddy love.

561.  my little ones all bundled up.

562.  furry friends.

563.  memories.

564.  telling bella the christmas story, and remembering the blessing of christmas: jesus is our hope and peace.

my favorite things.

pssssst... christmas is twenty days away!  in typical oprah-style, here is my list of twenty five of my favorite things.  some of them i have and love; others are on my wish list for "someday".  either way, here are a few oh-so-lovely gift ideas.  i apologize this isn't like oprah where i'll be giving you any of this stuff... but i did provide the links for you in case you want to give any of these gifts to loved ones this year... isn't that almost as awesome as giving you all new cars??

i thought so.  and here you go...

from top left to bottom right:

vera bradley folkloric tote bag 

{ebay}

i have been obsessed with this vera print ever since i saw jessica biel carry it on the movie new years eve.

, tea & toast butter dish 

{anthropologie}

i love this butter dish and it's cute little name.

"filled with joy" print 

{the wheatfield on etsy}

one of my fav etsy shops... i love this artist and her eclectic, colorful prints!

ung drill picture frame 

{ikea}

been tempted to make the four hour drive to our closest ikea to get this frame.  what color would i spray paint this baby...

perfect khaki pants 

{gap}

one of my christmas present purchases; love the fit of these pants and the color is just so fun!

, pumpkin pancake & waffle mix 

{trader joes}

a must have for every family.  our saturday morning standard ala nick.

 classic cardy boots 

{ugg}

love these comfy uggs.  need to replace my former pair since it has a giant hole in the toe...

"well with my soul" necklace 

{lisa leonard designs}

i have a couple lisa leonard necklaces and i just love them.  this one is from her faith collection.

 kitchenaid mixer 

{macy's}

my mom surprised my sis and i with kitchenaid mixers this fall.  one day i used it three times.  a must have for any cook or baker!

paperwhites 

{christmastree shop}

planted my first paperwhites a few days ago and my fingers are crossed (i do not have a green thumb and am trying to change that!).  these lovelies are super cheap at the christmastree shop; i think i saw 3.99!

crystal necklace 

{le mode accessories}

love this elegant necklace for a touch of feminine sparkle.

round pintuck pillow 

{urban outfitters}

i bought the turquoise one last year and it is one of my fav things in our home.  love the intricate detail and the luxurious velvet.

kvill picture frame 

{ikea}

another favorite ikea find.  this pretty little sucker is only 4.99!  i have one and am in need of like twenty more.  just kidding.  but shhhh... it's plastic; don't tell!

 homegrown monogram mugs 

{anthropologie}

nick&i have drunk many a saturday morning coffee out of our traditional anthro monogram mugs we got as a wedding gift... but i love these new colorful ones!  and only 8 bucks!

monogram locket ornament 

{potterybarn}

a little pricey, but such a pretty, nostalgic touch for any tree.  a great gift!

grapefruit sugar bowl 

{anthropologie}

how cute is this?!  i want to get it even though we don't really eat much sugar these days it's just that adorable.

 aqua spice jar with chalk label

{world market}

these babies are pricey but they are just so cute.  i'm obsessing over them a little bit.

garlic press 

{pampered chef}

hands down one of my most used and most beloved kitchen tool!

herbal popcorn 

{little lads}

my newest addiction.  i buy it at our local health food store, but it's available online!  and it's super healthy and all natural.  come on... you know you want some...

silver wedge boot 

{old navy}

my most worn boots; they go with almost every outfit and i get tons of compliments on them.  and they're under 40 bucks!

flannel plaid shirt in navy tartan 

{old  navy}

another item i know was purchased from my christmas list; we maine-ahs love our flannel shirts.

christmas cloche 

{target}

saw this pretty little cloche at target recently and it just made me happy.  it's like my love bottles and christmas villages all rolled into one.

reusable snack bags in blue vines 

{planet wise}

one of my favorite things for me and for the girls!  these handy little resuable sandwich and snack bags from planet wise.  eco friendly and super cute!

vera bradley sittin-in-a-tree weekender bag 

{ebay}

my overnight bag and i love it.  the print is so pretty and the bag is a perfect size!  love me some vera.

tea & crumpets apron 

{anthropologie}

love, love, love this stylish apron.  it was a christmas gift from nick last year... he took the hint (or the obvious telling him that was what i really wanted).

 rhinestone stud earrings 

{forever 21}

quickly becoming my most favorite piece of jewlry, these stud earrings are so pretty and super vintage looking; reminiscent of costume jewelry from days of yore.

and there you have it.  my list of favorite things.

happy gift giving!

dear emmy.

dear emmy,

i just can't squeeze you enough.

you are just sweeter by the second.  so happy, so content.  a couple weeks ago, i took you to the doctor for your six month appointment.  you had been a little fussy at night, but i had no reason to suspect anything.  upon a routine check of your ears, dr. ann told me you had a double ear infection!  i couldn't believe it.  just the day before you had hung out with meme and auntie for a bit and they were commenting on how happy you were.

you little monkey!

you've been sitting like a champ for about a month now.  you love being on the floor, playing with your toys. you would be content to do that for hours, i think.  it's especially fun for you right now because I put you on the floor right infront of the christmas tree.  you're getting good at grabbing for things that look like they'd be way out of your reach... the other day you pulled the tree skirt almost completely off and started going for the bead garland strung on our tree.  good thing i caught you in time!  you love your jumper too and go quite crazy in it at times!  you make lots of funny noises with your mouth and you're constantly grunting or chatting away.

this weekend you went on your first girls getaway with meme, auntie and lucy.  you girls were angels.  such good little shoppers; i was so proud of you!  you saw your first snow... you loved looking at it out of the back window in the car.  you love your sister so so much.  i was talking to her on the phone while we were on our trip and the first thing she said was "how's emmy?" so i put the phone up to your ear and i could hear her saying "hi emmy!" your face light right up and you got so excited and kept pulling away to look into the phone, wanting to see bella.  it was so cute.  i got tears in my eyes.

you've started sleeping every night with a little lovie and it's so cute.  you love snuggling with it.  the other night when daddy and i checked on you, it was covering up your whole head!  you don't move much in your sleep; you pretty much stay right where we lay you in the crib.  i keep waiting for you to discover sleeping on your belly, but you're pretty content to just stay put.  your thumb has also started to get raw from you sucking it!  it is definitely one of your favorite things.  and mine too.  i love how your sweet little eyes peek at me from above your fist, your thumb in mouth.

i've been thinking about you being my belly so much lately.  last week was the one year anniversary of bampy's death.  you didn't know him, but he loved you so much.  i can't tell you, emmy, how sad i feel about you not getting to have a relationship with him.  he loved being a grandfather so so much.  i remember the day we told him bella was going to be a big sister, and that you were coming.  he just could not believe it.  i can still see his eyes, wide with excitement and hear the disbelief in his voice.  two grandbabies--you and lucy--within a month of each other.  when his health turned for the worse, you were such a comfort to me, sweet girl.  i remember being in the hospital on many tearful visits and i'd feel you wiggling in my belly.  it was such a reminder that god was good even in such dark times.  he never knew that you were going to be a girl, but i am so confident he knows your pretty little face.  we will tell you all about him.  even though he's not still here, i promise that you will still be blessed by who he was.

i am just so grateful for you, my sweet pea.  i love making memories with you.  you are one of the biggest joys of my life.

love you to the moon and back (and back again),
mama