body wars.

my family went on a few trips to disney world when i was growing up. i was the only one that really wanted to go on any rides, with the exception of my grampy. yep, you read that right. my now ninety-year-old grandfather would be my partner on the rides i wanted to go on because everyone else in my family were a bunch of sissies.

seriously.

and the scared-est of them all? you guessed it. my dad. he had the biggest fear of rides. i guess stemming from a bad experience when he was a kid. can't say that i blame him. but still, it was fun to give him a hard time. here was my six foot four father who was the rock of our family afraid to go on a ride named "the polar coaster" that four year olds rode on. he even stood up once, about to escape from a monorail-type ride called "the people mover" just because it took us through "space mountain" to observe the roller coaster. not even kidding.

one ride he did brave at disney world was at epcot, named "body wars". i'm not even sure they still have that one, but it used to be this motion ride that made you feel as though you were riding through a human body, complete with twists and turns and lots of jolts and drops. my sister and i were young, and as we were all strapping ourselves in before the ride, dad leaned over and whispered "girls remember... if you get scared, just close your eyes. it's not real; you're not really moving like it seems." the ride began, and i remember laughing as my seat shook and jerked. and then, i looked over at my father. he was not sharing in my laughter. instead, i found him clutching on to his seat, knuckles white, eyes squeezed shut--and the best part--lips moving as he sat there, praying for him to be rescued from this terrifying ride, i'm sure.

one of my favorite stories about my dad.

the name of that epcot ride is not far from the truth when referring to the struggle that plagues approximately half of america's population. it seems as though our society is constantly wanting to wage war on women's bodies. proof is everywhere. magazine covers. billboards. television. it's complete overkill in one of the most dangerous ways.

lucky us.

body image is something i've struggled with for many years. it waxes and wanes with each season of life, but it's something i constantly have to keep in check. and after having two babies? i feel the battle raging these days. i know that in time, just as i experienced after i had bella, i will lose the weight and my clothes will fit again. but it takes time. and that's what i'm not good with. i want to complain, i want to be impatient, i want to feel crappy about myself. and just like my dad told me with the epcot ride, i wish i could just close my eyes and make it all go away. but i can't. i need to face this battle head on. not only for me, but for my daughters as well.

being a mom to two precious girls has made me think a whole lot about the issue of body image. i oftentimes pray for their self confidence... for them to be protected from the lies, the pressure, the attacks of our society on their bodies and their perception of who they are as women. i pray that i can raise confident women who find pride in how they take care of themselves, and are content with who they are... on the outside, but *far* more importantly; who they are on the inside. where it matters most.

i pray that as their mother, i can instill in their hearts a greater sense of beauty that far exceeds the messages of this messed up world.

and i know in order to do that, i need to be sending out that message in our home. everyday. about them. but more importantly, about myself. i don't want to complain, to pick out all of the things i don't like about my appearance. but instead, to have an air of quiet contentment and confidence... most importantly about the woman i am; my heart, my spirit, my character which are far more valuable than my looks.

so as i embark on trying to get healthy again, getting my body back in shape, and shedding some poundage, these are the things i want to focus on. and may i remember that little eyes will be watching. little eyes that will look to me to see what being a woman looks like. little eyes that will learn from me what beauty is. little eyes and ears that will soak in my words, behaviors and actions and use them as the foundation upon which they will build their concept of self image and value.

that is a huge responsibility. and perhaps one of the greatest gifts i can give my daughters.

i pray that god gives me the grace to keep my mind stayed on his truths. do i want to lose the weight that i gained while carrying emmy? yes. do i want to feel good about how i look? absolutely. and i don't think there's anything wrong with that as long as i keep it in perspective. so while i'm exercising and scheduling time to work out, what am i doing to cultivate my inner attractiveness? while i'm counting points and planning out my fruit and vegetable intake for the day, what kind of effort am i putting forth in becoming the woman that jesus wants me to be? because that is far more important than what is seen in this body of mine--this shell--that is oh-so-temporary.

so long, extra weight... i will be saying goodbye to you over the coming months. i will not miss you, but i'm thankful for what caused you to come. i'm looking at her right now and i can't think of a better reason to gain a few (okay, fifty) pounds. and until you are gone, i pray to be patient, content and to enjoy the journey.

"charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the lord is to be praised." (psalm 31:30)