the tale of the cutest baby bikini.

{source}

it was the prettiest shade of coral with ruffles around the halter necked top and cute little rosettes clustered about.  twelve months was the size, and i was almost giddy when i found it on the target clearance rack, which in my book is deemed one of earth's most heaven-like places.  i brought it home and flashed it excitedly to nick, just waiting for the oooohhs and the ahhhhs obligatory "yeah, that's cute" thinking about our sweet little girl in all that coral-ruffled-rosette adorableness.

well, it didn't go quite the way i imagined it would.  instead, the still-new-father of his first little girl took one look at that cutsie baby bikini and promptly announced that his daughter would not be wearing that.  a one year old?  realllly?  but, dad had spoken, so i marched my sad little behind back to target and returned it (for store credit, so don't worry; it wasn't all a wash).

{this, by the way, is not a post about how baby girls--or any girls--should not be wearing bikinis.  please hear me say that now.  i just shared that story as a cute little intro to a much bigger conversation.  i don't have the same view as nick on our little girls wearing two piece swimsuits.  i have worn many a two piece in my day and never thought twice about it.  however, he knows waaaaaay more than i do about the workings of a male brain, so he has the final call on matters of modesty when it comes to raising our daughters.  it's something he feels passionate about, and he has my support one hundred percent.  the standards may change as the girls grow, but i love that he's already starting to protect them in this area at the ripe ole age of one} :)

i've seen many a bikini/modesty debate flooding the church social media world ever since summer has crept upon us.  i have mixed emotions, can understand both sides and certainly am not setting up tent at either camp.  however, i do think this topic begs us to look at deeper issues that lie under the surface, and in my mind, are much more important.  the church can fall short in so many areas, and i believe this is one of them: we impose standards and rules and restrictions without teaching matters of the heart.  i'm not suggesting that we shouldn't have rules or guidelines... they certainly have their place and are much needed in order to provide boundaries and structure.  and clearly, my husband has already set a few rules for our girls in terms of modesty and bathing suits.  i'm merely suggesting that we need to look deeper.  we shouldn't have rules without teaching, nurturing and instilling principles in our children.  we can't ask young girls to treasure their bodies if we have not taught them self respect.  and we can't ask them to respect themselves if we haven't taught them how to truly love who god has created them to be.  the problem isn't necessarily modesty, or whether or not girls should wear two piece bathing suits.  the issue is that our society is raising women who are told their value is based on their physical appearance and to use it to get what they want.  our girls are learning at alarmingly young ages that there are certain standards of attractiveness (which are incredibly unrealistic) that they are going to be judged by.  and to top it all off, because of the impossible task of looking like the airbrushed celebrities in magazines or the perfectly chiseled models that grace the runway, they are taught that it's culturally acceptable--and expected, really--that they will dislike how they look.

sound like a mess?

the task of raising young women to love who they are and to be comfortable and secure in their own skin seems overwhelming these days.  living in a culture where women's bodies are used to sell everything from perfume to alcoholic beverages to cheeseburgers, no wonder it seems next to impossible.  but i'm up for the challenge, and it's a battle that i will fight with all my heart.  because i know that if they love who they are, that mindset will greatly impact their choices in relationships, lifestyle, friendship and overall, who they become and the life they will build for themselves.  they will make decisions based on what they think they deserve.  and i want them to know they deserve the world.  i want my daughters to know that they are beautiful beings, inside and out.  from the tip tops of their brown-haired little heads, all the way down to their cute little toes.  everything about them is perfect; not because they're perfect, but because they were created by a perfect God.

i read this quote recently by actress kate winslet and it has stuck with me ever since.

"as a child, i never heard one woman say to me, 'i love my body'.  not my mother, my elder sister, my best friend.  no one woman has ever said, 'i am so proud of my body.' so i make sure to say it to mia (her daughter) because a positive physical outlook has to start at an early age."

perhaps one of the scariest things about being a mom to two little girls is that they will learn from me what it is to be a woman.  their little eyes are on me constantly; their little ears take in every word that leaves my lips.  they watch me while i get dressed, or while i put on my makeup.  when i gaze at my reflection in the mirror, they watch.  they watch to see if i look lovingly at the face and at the body i see in the glass... or will i scrunch up my nose in criticism of all of it's flaws?  when others compliment me, they hear.  they will hear my gracious acceptance of those compliments, or they will hear my protest and follow up list of the things i wish were different about how i looked.

little eyes watching, little ears hearing.  looking to me to see what being a woman is all about.

i want my girls to know that it's a very good thing for a woman to be proud of who she is; on the inside as well as the outside.  i may find a million faults in myself, but generally, i like who i am.  and i want them to know that's not only okay... but that it's good.  even typing "i like who i am" feels awkward for me.  we live in a culture where it's taboo to sit and tell our girlfriends something we really like about ourselves, but it's perfectly acceptable--expected, even--to sit and rattle off all the things we don't like.

so, mamas of other girls out there, let's unite.  let's encourage our girls to love who they are, what they look like, and most importantly, who god made them to be.  and let's start with leading by example.   grandmothers, aunts, sisters, friends... let's be pouring good words, gracious acceptance and the true beauty of confidence and security into the young women in our lives.  it starts with us.

it's my opinion that modesty is a byproduct of this greater issue.  if we raise our daughters to see themselves as treasured and worthy its less likely they'll be flaunting themselves haphazardly, wearing next to nothing... because they know they're bodies are beautiful and VALUED.  and that makes all the difference.

i'm not sure if nick's rules in regards to two pieces will change as our daughters get older.  but one thing i do know: we are going to do our darndest to teach those sweet girls that they are the beautiful works of a benevolent creator who has loved them and called them by name.  so much so that he knows the number of hairs on their heads, and wrote their story before they were even born.  that not liking their bodies or what they look like isn't just "a girl thing", or "what women do"... instead, that they can be confident and secure in who they are.  two piece, or one piece.  that's not really what's important, anyway.

let's focus a little less on rules and start molding little hearts instead.
after all, little eyes are watching, little ears are hearing.  looking to us to see what being a woman is all about.

body wars.

my family went on a few trips to disney world when i was growing up. i was the only one that really wanted to go on any rides, with the exception of my grampy. yep, you read that right. my now ninety-year-old grandfather would be my partner on the rides i wanted to go on because everyone else in my family were a bunch of sissies.

seriously.

and the scared-est of them all? you guessed it. my dad. he had the biggest fear of rides. i guess stemming from a bad experience when he was a kid. can't say that i blame him. but still, it was fun to give him a hard time. here was my six foot four father who was the rock of our family afraid to go on a ride named "the polar coaster" that four year olds rode on. he even stood up once, about to escape from a monorail-type ride called "the people mover" just because it took us through "space mountain" to observe the roller coaster. not even kidding.

one ride he did brave at disney world was at epcot, named "body wars". i'm not even sure they still have that one, but it used to be this motion ride that made you feel as though you were riding through a human body, complete with twists and turns and lots of jolts and drops. my sister and i were young, and as we were all strapping ourselves in before the ride, dad leaned over and whispered "girls remember... if you get scared, just close your eyes. it's not real; you're not really moving like it seems." the ride began, and i remember laughing as my seat shook and jerked. and then, i looked over at my father. he was not sharing in my laughter. instead, i found him clutching on to his seat, knuckles white, eyes squeezed shut--and the best part--lips moving as he sat there, praying for him to be rescued from this terrifying ride, i'm sure.

one of my favorite stories about my dad.

the name of that epcot ride is not far from the truth when referring to the struggle that plagues approximately half of america's population. it seems as though our society is constantly wanting to wage war on women's bodies. proof is everywhere. magazine covers. billboards. television. it's complete overkill in one of the most dangerous ways.

lucky us.

body image is something i've struggled with for many years. it waxes and wanes with each season of life, but it's something i constantly have to keep in check. and after having two babies? i feel the battle raging these days. i know that in time, just as i experienced after i had bella, i will lose the weight and my clothes will fit again. but it takes time. and that's what i'm not good with. i want to complain, i want to be impatient, i want to feel crappy about myself. and just like my dad told me with the epcot ride, i wish i could just close my eyes and make it all go away. but i can't. i need to face this battle head on. not only for me, but for my daughters as well.

being a mom to two precious girls has made me think a whole lot about the issue of body image. i oftentimes pray for their self confidence... for them to be protected from the lies, the pressure, the attacks of our society on their bodies and their perception of who they are as women. i pray that i can raise confident women who find pride in how they take care of themselves, and are content with who they are... on the outside, but *far* more importantly; who they are on the inside. where it matters most.

i pray that as their mother, i can instill in their hearts a greater sense of beauty that far exceeds the messages of this messed up world.

and i know in order to do that, i need to be sending out that message in our home. everyday. about them. but more importantly, about myself. i don't want to complain, to pick out all of the things i don't like about my appearance. but instead, to have an air of quiet contentment and confidence... most importantly about the woman i am; my heart, my spirit, my character which are far more valuable than my looks.

so as i embark on trying to get healthy again, getting my body back in shape, and shedding some poundage, these are the things i want to focus on. and may i remember that little eyes will be watching. little eyes that will look to me to see what being a woman looks like. little eyes that will learn from me what beauty is. little eyes and ears that will soak in my words, behaviors and actions and use them as the foundation upon which they will build their concept of self image and value.

that is a huge responsibility. and perhaps one of the greatest gifts i can give my daughters.

i pray that god gives me the grace to keep my mind stayed on his truths. do i want to lose the weight that i gained while carrying emmy? yes. do i want to feel good about how i look? absolutely. and i don't think there's anything wrong with that as long as i keep it in perspective. so while i'm exercising and scheduling time to work out, what am i doing to cultivate my inner attractiveness? while i'm counting points and planning out my fruit and vegetable intake for the day, what kind of effort am i putting forth in becoming the woman that jesus wants me to be? because that is far more important than what is seen in this body of mine--this shell--that is oh-so-temporary.

so long, extra weight... i will be saying goodbye to you over the coming months. i will not miss you, but i'm thankful for what caused you to come. i'm looking at her right now and i can't think of a better reason to gain a few (okay, fifty) pounds. and until you are gone, i pray to be patient, content and to enjoy the journey.

"charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the lord is to be praised." (psalm 31:30)