my grammy.

it was a late summer day, and as the sun was sinking low in the august sky, i heard the familiar close of my grandparents screen door as i sat on their front porch drinking ginger ale.  "i think i'll go for my walk", my grandmother announced.  i was seventeen and still loved my grandparents company.  i'd sit for hours with them on their front porch, on their old wicker furniture, peeling with chipped white paint.      we'd play cards or watch the cars go by... and even up until getting married in my late twenties, i'd spend the night at their house, keeping long standing traditions alive.  my grandmother walked several times a day, and since i so enjoyed her company--and dusk on a summer day was always one of my favorite times--i jumped at the chance to join her.  as we walked her well worn path along the streets that knew her footsteps well, we chatted and drank in the peace of the sun melting into the horizon and the summery smell of freshly cut grass.  i remember her saying what i had heard her say countless times as i was growing up, a smile in her voice: "i just love walking... it is my time with the Lord". She told me how she would pray as she walked, how she met different people on the streets she traveled several times a day, and shared with me how she longed for heaven.  That always left an impression on me.  As a teenager and young adult, I couldn't imagine wanting to give up life here on earth and yearning with such a deep desire for a place I knew so little about.  But I could see in her eyes, and hear in her voice, such an unwavering conviction that she had lived a good life, and was ready for the good Lord to take her to the home that He was preparing.  And it is this resolve--this steadfast faith--that marks the life of my grandmother and continues to bless my heart as I reflect on a lifetime of memories, and just what her legacy has meant to me.

on sunday morning, my grammy got to finally see that heavenly home that she had so desperately longed for, as jesus took her from us and brought her into his presence.  it had been a week of rapidly declining health that came as somewhat of a shock to us.  as difficult as it was to watch her go, we spent some sweet time with her and were able to say goodbye, which i am so very thankful for.  the day before she passed away, i spent some time sitting by her bed.  i watched as she slept peacefully, her chest rising and falling and wondering when it might not.  i cried and prayed and remembered, and thanked god for all of my memories.  something in my spirit knew that this might be the last time i had with her, so i treasured the peace and silent moments as i sat by her side.

i remembered all of the sleepovers--from the time i was a little girl, to my days as a single seminary student--and the mornings that i woke up to the smell of popovers baking in the oven and coffee brewing in the kitchen.  i remembered the sight of her kneeling on the floor between me and my sister's twin beds, praying over us before she turned out the light.  i remembered being snuggled up in blankets in front of the television as she waited on my sister and i, bringing us ginger ale and crackers and cheese, and knowing that as much as i loved being spoiled by her, she loved spoiling even more.  i remembered the smell of bacon frying out on the front porch, as she stood over her electric pan in her housecoat.  i remembered playing records on their record player in the living room as we danced, and the sound of her laughter.  i remembered sitting up at her old fashioned typewriter, my feet barely touching the floor as i clacked on the keys and made up stories and poems, just like she used to write.  i remembered my sister and i getting to pick teacups from her collection to have our coffee in after sunday dinner...and she'd always let us top it off with a scoop of ice cream.  i remembered her famous parker house rolls, and christmas light drives, and staying up late just the two of us, playing cards or watching dick van dyke.  i remembered the sight of her and my grampy faithfully sitting in the crowd at every basketball game, every school concert, every production i was involved in.  i remembered in these last years, how much comfort i found in visiting her... she didn't always know who i was, or could remember my name, but she could remember every word to every beloved and treasured hymn, and we would sit and sing them together, as tears streamed down my cheeks.

that day as i sat in the quiet, remembering, my grandmother flinched in her sleep and i grabbed her hand.  her eyes fluttered as she started to wake and i began to talk to her.  she struggled to say anything back, but as i said "grammy, i love you," she mustered all of her strength to get the words to come out clearly, "i love you too".  i squeezed her hand and said, "grammy, you're getting ready to go home, aren't you, to be with jesus?" she looked into my eyes and said "i can't turn around."  "it's okay," i said, "you don't have to.  i just want you to know that having you as my grandmother was one of my life's greatest blessings."  she fell back to sleep, then, and i stayed a while longer, holding her hand.  that ended up being the last words i ever spoke to my grammy, and for that i am so grateful.

my grammy has left behind an incredible legacy, but if you would have asked her, she didn't consider herself to be anyone special.  she was a humble servant, someone who was consistently giving and thinking of others.  i remember her taking me with her on one of her visits to a local nursing home, and being so impacted by watching how she quietly and faithfully served.  she baked meals, delivered homemade treats, mailed care packages and continually put the needs of others before her own.  even in her last years, anyone that spent even a few moments with my grandmother knew about her faith in jesus, and how her love for him transformed the way she lived and interacted with people.

one thing that will forever impact me about my grandmother was that no matter how pain she endured, or how much she lost in this life, even when her mind and memory failed, she always remembered scripture, and the words of hymns that she loved so dearly.  countless times over the past few years, my grandmother has sung the hymn "god will take care of you".  i have no recollection of her singing this as i was growing up, but after my father died four years ago, my grandmother started singing this song. it was almost her way of finding comfort in the fact that she had lost her only child, and then a few years later, her husband.  i loved hearing her sing these words, and they always encouraged my heart:

"be not dismayed wate'er betide,

God will take care of you;

beneath his wings of love abide,

God will take care of you.

God will take care of you,

through every day, o'er all the way;

he will take care of you,

God will take care of you.

through days of toil when heart doth fail,

God will take care of you; 

when dangers fierce your path assail,

God will take care of you.

all you may need he will provide,

God will take care of you;

nothing you ask will be denied,

God will take care of you.

No matter what may be the test, 

God will take care of you;

lean, weary one, upon his breast,

God will take care of you.

God will take care of you,

through every day, o'er all the way;

he will take care of you,

God will take care of you."

while my heart is sad, i also rejoice.  my grandmother is finally home, the home that she so desperately longed for.  and while i grieve, i have a lifetime of memories to gather around me for comfort, and a faith that was instilled in me due to my grandmother's legacy.  

grammy, i will never forget the sound of your laugh, or listening to you pray, or those walks where i would hear you yearning for heaven... or your sweet voice singing of god's faithfulness even until your last breath.  i don't know where our family would be if it weren't for your vigorous, unshakeable faith in the one who holds us in His hands.  your faith has forever changed me and the course of my life, and i only hope to be to my girls and my future grandchildren what you have been to us.  i love you with all my heart, and i can only imagine how you were greeted by jesus saying to you "well done, my good and faithful servant."  see you soon, grammy.  i can't wait.

halloween fifteen (hey, that rhymes) in pictures.

soccer game (and daddy coaching) to start off the day!

sofia the first and minnie mouse

someone was a bit grumpy...

see??

my loves

with their cousins at trunk or treat at our church!

treworgy's orchards!

corn maze!

us <3

the past three years... love my girls

the lasts.

i am a savor-er of "lasts".  the last snow of the winter.  the last day of a family vacation.  the last page of a good book.  the last slice of a delicious pie.  and more times than not, the important lasts will often bring a flood of tears from the deep places of my sentimental soul (and when i say "important lasts", that could even include sadness over an empty pie plate... depending on what kind of day it is).

a couple of weeks ago, i savored a special last day, and one that hurt my heart a little bit.  it was a last the Lord had spent the whole past year preparing me for... a last that i pictured coming from the time i held a precious bundle in my arms, memorizing the softness of her cheeks, her wild hair and the way her chest rose and fell as she slept.  it the last day before my first baby started school... full time, every day, big girl school.  the last day of sharing my weeks with her.  the last day of being able to have popcorn and movie days snuggled in my bed on cold afternoons in january.  the last day of going to the library or walking through the leaves on a crisp, autumn morning.  the last day of watching her skip along the sidewalk downtown on our way to get bagels from our favorite shop.  the last day of lazy mornings in our pj's, watching cartoons.  the last day of watching her run and play at our favorite playground...one that she has grown up on over the last few years.

the last day of being a stay at home mom to my oldest.  

it's a strange thing to watch a season of your life end.  to me, it wasn't that my baby was starting kindergarten.  it was that the days as we have known them for the last five years were coming to a close.  and that was what held me in a stunned place as i heartachingly tried to savor the last.

the "last day" was a sweet ending to this precious season in my life.  we celebrated with some of our favorites, including lunch at the bagel shop downtown and a trip to that favorite park of ours.  as i watched her swing her way across the monkey bars and climb with strength and confidence, a smile across her face as her hair wildly spilled in to her eyes, i couldn't help but fight tears.  not necessarily out of sadness, but out of awe at how she has grown.  i pictured the tiny little peanut she was when we first started taking outings to this particular park.  how i hurried to stay right on her heels as she tottered and stumbled over the bridges and up the steps.  how i kissed many boo boos and wiped countless tears as she fell and failed all over that playground.  wispy pigtails, chubby cheeks and all.  and now...there i was, sitting back and watching my free spirited little beauty play without fear or any need for my help.  and that was just the assurance i needed.  she didn't need me in the ways that she always had.  she was ready to blossom... and i needed to let go to let her.  to give her over to the One who would always catch her when she fell, and trust that He was never going to let her go.  

and now, here we are... a few weeks into kindergarten and wouldn't you know?  she's doing just fine without me.  more than fine, actually.  and so am i.  

the problem with being a savor-er of lasts, is that you can be wary of celebrating the firsts... and treasuring all of the moments in between. change can be hard, especially for this mama, but it is in the change where the Lord has space to do His work and accomplish His purposes.  paul tells us in philippians "one thing i do: forgetting what lies behind, and reaching forward to what lies ahead, i press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." i think paul is trying to encourage us to not be fixated on the past, stuck in our regrets, or mourning our lasts.  but instead, to move forward, embracing all of the seasons of life and the blessings that can be found, even in all of the changes.  

i'm so very thankful for the season i was given to be at home with my bella girl... even with all of its challenges and wanting-to-pull-my-hair-out moments, i wouldn't trade our time together for anything.  and i am so excited to continue to watch her spread her wings and for Jesus to use her to change the world.  and i know that won't happen unless there was a last to savor... and also, a first to celebrate.

thank you, Lord for all of the moments in life... help me to treasure each one and be fully alive wherever you have me.

even in the lasts.

disneyland...day four.

our last "park-day" started out a bit later, as we woke and moved slowly.  even the girls slept longer this particular morning... but rose with bibbidi bobbidi boutique buns still intact and a song and dance in their spirits...

we had a breakfast reservation at ariel's grotto in california adventure, so we walked as fast as we could through downtown disney, and frantically found our way to the restaurant, hurriedly taking in the sights of the new park as we wove through the crowds.  i loved california adventure!  it felt like a cross between old hollywood and atlantic city, with it's sunset boulevard backgrounds, trolley cars and a pier dotted with carnival rides.  

i had been so excited about our breakfast at ariel's grotto since i made the reservations.  the prices were a little overboard, but as i said before, since our hotel and park tickets and so much was covered by pampered chef, i didn't mind splurging on a couple of fun things for the girls.  we made our way down a spiral staircase to where ariel was waiting at the bottom to meet the girls and snap a photo.

the restaurant was decked out in an ocean theme, and around the room we spotted several princesses, making their way to each table.  the girls couldn't wait to meet each one and have them sign their autograph books!  we ate a delicious breakfast, drank coffee (chocolate milk for the girls) and took pictures as each came by our table.

after breakfast, we went straight for the giant mickey mouse ferris wheel and then went on several rides; goofy's flying school roller coaster (somehow we got bella to ride with us!  emmy was too small...), the golden zephyr (a giant swing with silver rockets) and the little mermaid ride, which turned out to be one of our favorites.  because of us causing bella a case of post-traumatic stress disorder by making her ride splash mountain, she literally ran from the line of the little mermaid ride screaming for her life (not even joking)... but we were able to calm her down and assure her that there would not be a fifty two foot drop, nor would she be getting splashed (i know, we are horrible parents).

we made our way over to hollywood land for the disney junior live show, which was absolutely adorable.  the girls LOVED it, and so did we just watching their little faces (and yes, we know all of the words to sofia the first AND doc mcstuffins).

after a couple stops for photos and purchasing christmas ornaments from a gift shop, we were ready to head back to the hotel.  some friends of ours from texas had moved out to san diego and just happened to be at california adventure for the afternoon... nick stayed to have lunch with them while i took our tired girlies back to the hotel to rest up to get ready for our big (and very late!) evening: pampered chef was putting on a celebration dinner AND shutting down the entire park just for us!

after a restful afternoon, we got ready for our dinner.  pampered chef gave us all tshirts to wear for the evening, and the girls came down to their knees :)  here they are in the hallway... every time we were walking back to our room, no matter how late it was or how tired they were, they'd follow those ribbons on the carpet and yell "we're following the MAGIC!!!!!"

we made our way to one of the ballrooms at the hotel, and dined with other pampered chef-ers on a delicious dinner and dessert and then made our way with the PC crowd to california adventure.  i'll never forget that feeling of knowing that they were closing down the entire park JUST FOR US.  as we entered that evening, there were signs all along the front entrance: "park closing at 9 pm for a special event" :)

we rode a few rides in bugsland and then headed to a theatre in hollywood land to a special frozen singalong.  we sat and watched the characters on stage, belted out the songs, danced and caught falling snow on our tongues (okay, that was just emmy).

as we walked out of the theatre, we bumped into a couple special friends:

after the photo ops, we made our way to our own private viewing of "the world of color".  it was pretty amazing!  thousands of lit up fountains, projections into the water, lights and music.  i still loved the disneyland fireworks the best, but the world of color was quite a show.  

once it was finished, we made our way to carsland... come to find out, the pampered chef crowd filled the park and everything was still pretty busy!  but we were able to ride a couple of rides and definitely stop for a dance party at flo's cafe.

after getting our free ice cream treats (thank you, pampered chef!) we decided to ride the mickey ferris wheel one last time.  it was nearing midnight and we were losing our girls fast.  turns out, the ferris wheel is MUCH scarier to ride at night.  yikes.  i'm typically not afraid of heights but it definitely freaked me out a bit!  my mom had volunteered to sit with the girls so nick & i could ride the giant "california screamin'" roller coaster, but the line was pretty long and the girls were tired... so we decided to call it a night.  we left the gates of california adventure and took turns carrying two tired girls back through the streets of downtown disney to our hotel.  it was a wonderful day full of memories, and our last one at the parks.