the lasts.

i am a savor-er of "lasts".  the last snow of the winter.  the last day of a family vacation.  the last page of a good book.  the last slice of a delicious pie.  and more times than not, the important lasts will often bring a flood of tears from the deep places of my sentimental soul (and when i say "important lasts", that could even include sadness over an empty pie plate... depending on what kind of day it is).

a couple of weeks ago, i savored a special last day, and one that hurt my heart a little bit.  it was a last the Lord had spent the whole past year preparing me for... a last that i pictured coming from the time i held a precious bundle in my arms, memorizing the softness of her cheeks, her wild hair and the way her chest rose and fell as she slept.  it the last day before my first baby started school... full time, every day, big girl school.  the last day of sharing my weeks with her.  the last day of being able to have popcorn and movie days snuggled in my bed on cold afternoons in january.  the last day of going to the library or walking through the leaves on a crisp, autumn morning.  the last day of watching her skip along the sidewalk downtown on our way to get bagels from our favorite shop.  the last day of lazy mornings in our pj's, watching cartoons.  the last day of watching her run and play at our favorite playground...one that she has grown up on over the last few years.

the last day of being a stay at home mom to my oldest.  

it's a strange thing to watch a season of your life end.  to me, it wasn't that my baby was starting kindergarten.  it was that the days as we have known them for the last five years were coming to a close.  and that was what held me in a stunned place as i heartachingly tried to savor the last.

the "last day" was a sweet ending to this precious season in my life.  we celebrated with some of our favorites, including lunch at the bagel shop downtown and a trip to that favorite park of ours.  as i watched her swing her way across the monkey bars and climb with strength and confidence, a smile across her face as her hair wildly spilled in to her eyes, i couldn't help but fight tears.  not necessarily out of sadness, but out of awe at how she has grown.  i pictured the tiny little peanut she was when we first started taking outings to this particular park.  how i hurried to stay right on her heels as she tottered and stumbled over the bridges and up the steps.  how i kissed many boo boos and wiped countless tears as she fell and failed all over that playground.  wispy pigtails, chubby cheeks and all.  and now...there i was, sitting back and watching my free spirited little beauty play without fear or any need for my help.  and that was just the assurance i needed.  she didn't need me in the ways that she always had.  she was ready to blossom... and i needed to let go to let her.  to give her over to the One who would always catch her when she fell, and trust that He was never going to let her go.  

and now, here we are... a few weeks into kindergarten and wouldn't you know?  she's doing just fine without me.  more than fine, actually.  and so am i.  

the problem with being a savor-er of lasts, is that you can be wary of celebrating the firsts... and treasuring all of the moments in between. change can be hard, especially for this mama, but it is in the change where the Lord has space to do His work and accomplish His purposes.  paul tells us in philippians "one thing i do: forgetting what lies behind, and reaching forward to what lies ahead, i press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." i think paul is trying to encourage us to not be fixated on the past, stuck in our regrets, or mourning our lasts.  but instead, to move forward, embracing all of the seasons of life and the blessings that can be found, even in all of the changes.  

i'm so very thankful for the season i was given to be at home with my bella girl... even with all of its challenges and wanting-to-pull-my-hair-out moments, i wouldn't trade our time together for anything.  and i am so excited to continue to watch her spread her wings and for Jesus to use her to change the world.  and i know that won't happen unless there was a last to savor... and also, a first to celebrate.

thank you, Lord for all of the moments in life... help me to treasure each one and be fully alive wherever you have me.

even in the lasts.