when parenting is hard.

{source}

what.a.week.

i have this friend in dallas who grew up in the deep south; a beautiful, southern belle.  whenever she is surprised or shocked by something she'll say "lawsy!" in her southern accent.  i always have loved it; being a new england girl, her saying made me giggle.  and as i lay my head on my pillow tonight after finally tucking my wee ones into their beds and exhaling whatever weary breath i can muster, all i can think is: lawsy.  i need a vacation.

raising a two year old is not for the faint of heart.  i feel as though i'm riding an emotional roller coaster where one minute my bella is the sticky-est-sweetest pumpkin on the face of the earth, and on the turn of a dime she is writhing on the floor, face red from screaming, exuding complete and utter craziness.  i really am at a loss for words to describe how this happens.  such a unique quality i'm convinced is only possessed by two and three year olds.  i hope so, anyways.

having a toddler has made me increasingly aware of my flaws.  my selfishness, my pride and my impatience.  her tantrums don't align with my expectations for the day.  her meltdowns--especially in public--don't make me "look good" in front of others (why do i care what other people think?  they may be staring, but they don't even know me).  her wild swing of emotions make me feel helpless, out of control and cause me to question how well i'm doing at this whole mom-thing.  and that doesn't feel good.

this week has been a very challenging one.  both of my grandparents have been in the hospital.  at the same time.  i have seen them both deteriorate before my very eyes.  after losing my dad just over a year ago, i'm watching so many things, memories and people that have made me who i am today slowly slip away from me.  it's been a very emotional week, and i have not had much to give.  especially to my precious two year old who has been needing so much of me.

our challenges with bella these last few days have been such sweet reflections of god's love for me.  when i'm thrashing, my heart is ugly and my will is ever-so-strong, he lovingly gathers me into his arms and continually whispers that he loves me.  that he is my helper.  that it will all be okay.  it has been a humble reminder to me that even despite my ugliest days, god never ever stops loving me. 

i oftentimes get so frustrated, so embarrassed, so utterly flabbergasted that a child of mine would act in such a manner!  we have not raised her to behave this way!  and then i realize the pride and ridiculousness of those thoughts: i cannot possibly control every little thing my children do.  it's just not possible.  i can raise them to love god and love others, i can teach them morals and values and what is right and wrong, and i can hopefully encourage their character strengths and sense of integrity.  there are many things nick&i can prayerfully instill in our children... but at the end of the day, they will make their own choices, their own mistakes and their own successes.  i am not defined by their misbehavior.  and sometimes i repeat that to myself multiple times throughout the day.

the sooner i realize that my children have a free will that they will exercise despite my desire to control them so i can look like a good mother, the better off we will all be.  i want to thoroughly enjoy my children--faults and all--rather than being so focused on being perfect.  so much can be learned--and gained--in the imperfection.

i realize how much of this parallels my relationship with jesus.  ephesians 3:16-20 is one of my favorite passages in all of scripture and really spoke to my heart this week in where i find myself on this mama-journey.

"i pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with the power through his spirit in your innermost being, so that christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  and i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ, and to know this love that surpasses all knowledge, that you may be filled to the measure with all the fullness of god.  now to him who is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than all we could ask or imagine, according to his power at work within us."

more than anything, i want my girls to know just how much i love them.  and that nothing they do could ever change that.  tantrums and all.  public embarrassment and all.  writhing-crazy-person-on-the-floor and all.  i will always love them no matter what. 

"to the moon and back.  and back again."

multitude monday.

605.  cheeks pink from the winter air.
606.  sisters giggling as they play.
607.  grilling burgers on a snowy night.
608.  god's promises.
609.  visits with my grandparents.
610.  going out for breakfast.
611.  high school basketball tournaments.  nostalgia at it's finest.
612.  hearing my grammy talk about heaven and being face to face with jesus.
613.  eating cheeseburgers with nick.  it was our first-date-food six years ago.
614.  god's mercies that are new every morning.

home tour {our master bedroom}.

let me just start off this post by saying: our room barely ever looks like this.  usually, the bed is unmade, piles of clean clothes are waiting to be put away and the girls blankets and dolls litter the floor.  

i do love our bedroom.  i have visions for a few things i'd like to change over the years... i found a tutorial for long, ruffled, white curtain panels i'd like to make for the windows.  our bedroom furniture (bedframe, nightstands and dressers) are from ikea.  they're too modern and dark for my taste, but it's what we have for now.  ideally i would love to find a scrolly, white antique wrought iron bedframe but i don't think they have them in a king size!  and i'd love to find nightstands and an old dresser at a yard sale to refinish myself.  someday.  there's also a large, empty wall to the right of our bed i can't wait to decorate.  i have several ideas in my head for a gallery wall filled with everything that encompasses nick&i.  but that is another project for another day.

nick told me yesterday that i'm obsessed with turquoise.  i really do love it.  and i also love the combination of turquoise and mustard yellow.  we bought our bedding at target years ago, and i love it.  i'd been trying to figure out for a few years what color i wanted to pair with it.  we decided to paint our walls a light grey (smooth stone by glidden).  the accents of turquoise in our room add extra punches of color throughout.

our bed is honestly the most comfortable place on earth.  i'm not even kidding.  we bought this pillow top king sized mattress from friends of ours who had just purchased it and didn't love it's softness.  i remember the first morning we woke up from a night's slumber on our new mattress.  nick said "we slept like a king and queen!"  it seriously is like sleeping on a cloud.  we used to look forward to staying in hotels to sleep in a king sized bed.  now i can't wait to get home and sleep in our bed.  i also love that on saturday mornings it is filled with two little girls, dolls and blankets.  we love bringing the girls in bed with us on weekends or snow days and all snuggling together.

view from the hallway

our bedding: dwell studio "foliage" for target

we bought a set of flannel sheets from target for extra warmth this winter!  love the turquoise ticking stripe

paper bag wreath and frame modpodged with paper doilies for texture

refinished lamp: spraypainted base and paper doilies modpodged to the shade

pretty pillows.  pom pom trim and fabric flowers: two of my true loves.

view into our half bath

yard sale table i refinished

i love the turquoise color, vintage accents and pretty crystal knobs

antique plates

an old shutter given from a friend, birds, thrifted frames and a pretty vase

turquoise accents

love our  bird & floral printed shower curtain: tj maxx

dresser and framed fabric

framed wedding photo and vintage creamer

love this vintage inspired photo of nick&i in this floral tj maxx frame

looking into the hall from our room

 there you have it.  our master bedroom/half bath.  i'll be sure to post updates of my gallery wall project and ruffled curtains whenever i get around to accomplishing those!

thanks for stopping by :)

* if you missed the first stop on our home tour, here is our living room and why i felt inspired to share our home.

dear emmy.

dear emmy,

you are changing right before our very eyes!  i am just so in love with you.  you are the happiest, squishiest, most squeezable snugglebug and i just love watching you as you learn and grow.

a few weeks ago you started clapping your hands, and you do it all the time.  it's especially cute when we praise you for doing something and you start clapping.  you love clapping for yourself!

you also have a love for playing peek-a-boo.  it is the most adorable thing.  you love taking a blanket or your bunny lovie and cover your face and pull it down, your eyes wide with excitement.  or you take your hands and lift them up to your forehead and we'll say "where's emmy?" and you'll swipe your hands down super fast and laugh and giggle.  it is just the cutest.

you love dancing.  the minute you hear music, you start swaying.  you have the best expressions.  your eyes get big and wide and you have the cutest face when you get excited.  you have also been waving; it's backwards and i love it.

this past week has been a big one for you!  you started crawling and you cut your first tooth (yes, you are just a few days short of ten months and we have been waiting and waiting for teeth!).  one day i was cleaning up the dining room and i caught you crawl across the living room floor like you had been doing it for ages.  i was so excited and called daddy as he was on his way to work and he said "yeah, i forgot to tell you; she did that last night."  i can't believe i missed it!  but nevertheless, so awesome.  you just decided you'd better try that crawling thing and you did it like an old pro.  i love it when i'm in another room and i hear your hands smacking against the hardwood floors.  i know you're coming!  the best is when bella gets down and crawls around with you.  the two of you laugh and giggle and my heart melts into a puddle.  i don't know why, but our hallway is one of my favorite spots in the house because i love watching you girls travel through it.  best sound ever: those little hands and feet going to and fro down the hall.  i just love that sound.

you are serious about your food.  i feel as though we could feed you and feed you and you'd keep eating and never stop!  you eat pretty much everything and it's so fun to try new and different foods.  some of your newest food loves include torn up turkey meat, mandarin oranges, mac&cheese, roasted sweet potatoes.  you aren't too picky, and i am loving that!  you also do this really funny thing where you put your hands behind your head and lean back when you're done eating.  totally chillin.  so cute.

this afternoon, i could tell you had woken up from your nap.  i could hear you talking in your crib but i decided to leave you for a bit since you were happy.  a few minutes later, daddy came out carrying you.  he said he peeked in and you were just sitting there in your crib, thumb in your mouth.  you are so adorable my little ems!

i can't believe you're going to be one in just a couple months.  i'm totally not ready.  but i do know that there's so much fun around the corner.  each stage is unique and special and has challenges, but it's so fun watching your little personality blossom.  i am so excited about what's to come, and i'm trying not to be too sad about the fact that you are growing up way too fast.

you will always be my baby, no matter what.  i love you with all my heart my sweet emmy faith.  i hope you always know how special you are to me, and how blessed i am by you.  i can't think of a greater honor than to be a mama to you and bella, and a wife to your daddy.  my cup runneth over, little girl.  i love you with all my heart and never want to forget where you are at this moment; your dark, sparkling eyes, gummy smile, dimpled hands, chunky thighs and arms that never stop flapping.  there will never be anyone like you ever in the whole world.

i love you to the moon and back (and back again),
mama

dear bella.

dear bella,

i just love you with all my heart.  i love watching you grow... you have seemed like such a big girl to me these days.

you love being my helper.  i've been having you help me unload the dishwasher, bake bread and do other projects around the house and you get so proud of yourself.  i love making you feel special.  in typical first born fashion, you thrive under having a sense of responsibility and accomplishment.  it's so cute.

meme got you a microphone recently and you have been LOVING it.  you perform concerts for us and shout at the top of your lungs!  "tomorrow" and "this is my father's world" are two of your recent hits.  you also incorporate dance moves into your performances.  you've got your mama's love for singing and your daddy's dance moves.  i so love your love for music.  you fill our house with song.

lately you've started saying "oh, i'd better go (do such and such)."  you say it with such a sense of urgency, which is so cute because it's usually "oh, i'd better go get dancing" or "oh, i'd better go get my necklaces."  it's makes me giggle every time.

you have been attached to my hip at all times these days.  i have to remind myself i will miss it someday but it's also been exhausting!  you want to sit on my lap at mealtimes, you want me to carry you around the house and be the one to put you to bed every night.  lately if daddy puts you down you cry and cry.  you love him so much; i think part of it is jealousy towards emmy.  you don't like it when i put her to bed.  you've been getting more and more envious of her as she's getting older.  i think you miss that relationship you and i used to have.  i just always want you to know that i love you with all my heart and nothing will EVER change that, my sweet girl.  my heart grew when i had emmy to be able to love you both in a way that only a parent can understand!  you are so special to me, so unique and i just delight in watching you take in the world.  no one will ever take your place!

you've been really cute crawling around on the floor with ems.  you chase her around the house and you both giggle and squeal with excitement.  it just warms my heart like nothing else.  i try to burn those images in my mind; i just never want to forget.

you've also been challenging the past few days with your anger.  you definitely inherited my temper!  you get angry and throw things, or bang your head or slam your door.  not pretty.  we've been trying to teach you that it's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to act like that when you're angry.  you are also so strong willed.  if we tell you we're going to take away a toy of yours, or take away your tv time you will say "no!  you can't!"  one time i said "bella, i can do that if i want.  i am your mother."  and you said "no!  you're not my mother!"  geesh.  sometimes you already act as if you're a teenager.  yikes.

you are also obsessed with your blankie.  obsessed!  you always have been, but it's even more so these days.  you can't go anywhere without it and refer to it as if it's a person.  "i gave my blankie a hug.  i squeezed and squeezed him!" you said the other day.  you flip out if we have to wash it... you don't like to be without it for a second!  when i go in to check on you at night before i go to bed, you usually stir when i kiss your forehead.  the minute you stir, you start scrambling, reaching for your blankie.  it's so so sweet.

you are also obsessed with your cousins.  you have discovered the show "super why" on tv and the character's name is wyatt.  almost every day you tell me that you want to go to wyatt's house and watch super why with him.  it's so sweet.  you have to pray for jude every night before bed, and it's always for a different reason.  either he's not feeling good, or he fell, or he has a boo boo.  you went to his birthday party a few weeks ago, and can't stop talking about it.  it's also made you very excited for your birthday party!  you went to the store with daddy the other day to get groceries and you spied a princess cake in the bakery. you've been telling me the past two days that you're going to have a princess party with a princess birthday cake and you get SO excited about it.  i love it.  a princess birthday party we will have, my dear :)

you remember to pray for people every night before bed.  people you might not even know, but you know they're sick or in the hospital because i've told you we need to pray for them.  it is so sweet and just melts my heart that you care so much for people at such a young age.  never lose that, my precious girl!  one of the best qualities you can have is a heart for people.  your bampy would be so proud.  his legacy living on in you.  you also have four bible verses memorized and you do SO well!  there's nothing like hearing your little voice saying god's word.  i hope you develop such a passion and love for scripture and hide it in your heart always.  you really are just so special.

i just love you with all my heart, pumpkin.  you make me so proud.  i could squeeze you forever and ever.

love you to the moon and back (and back again),
mama

a happy heart day.

as i've said before, i love valentine's day.

i love doing special things for my loved ones and making fun memories with my little chickadees.  i had grand plans in my mind of how the day was going to go.  let me start off by saying that nothing really looked the way i had envisioned.  some moments better, some... different.

we woke up wednesday morning and i got the girls in their valentine's outfits.  i'm such a nerd, i know, but i saw these pretty pink frilly skirts on clearance at target for five bucks.  i mean, how could i resist that?!  and just look at the cuteness:

i planned on us taking a morning trip to target to pick up a few items that i needed, and then surprise my mom at work with some candy from the grandbabies.  i finally got the girls in the car and we headed out.  our target trip started off without a hitch.  until bella saw a gift bag with disney princesses on it.  yes.  a gift bag.  apparently she had to have it.  she began a major meltdown while i rushed to gather the rest of my necessities and get in the check out line.  people were staring, i was trying to remain calm, cool and collected while inside i wanted to die.  then she began taking off her shoes and throwing them on the ground.

feel the love?  not the valentine-sy outing i had imagined.

i got to the car, plopped her in her carseat while i began telling her how disappointed i was.  got all my stuff unloaded, buckled emmy in her carseat and before i knew it both of the girls were screaming at the top of their lungs.

we made a quick stop at my mom's office.  as we were walking in, i told bella how lucky she was that we were stopping to visit meme with how she had acted at the store.  "bella, what do you say to me for behaving that way?" i said.  "i'm sorry, mom.  i didn't mean to!"  hmmmmm.

i get the girls home and emmy proceeds to scream all through lunch, refused her bottle and didn't stop crying until i finally put her in her crib and shut the door.

i like making valentine's treats every year for our family and for bella and i to bring around as "special deliveries".  this year, we were making heart-shaped red velvet whoopie pies.  i sit her up on the counter to help me, and as i'm scooping ingredients into my bowl, i realize she had been unscrewing parts to my kitchenaid and putting them in my mixing bowl, unbeknownst to me.

as the whoopie pies are baking, i shoo her into the dining room while i clean up.  after a few minutes i discover that she has scribbled all over the keyboard of our laptop with a hot pink magic marker.

holy cow.

it was an insane day.  topped off with a visit to my grandfather who has been in the icu after a fall he took on tuesday night.

while i love holidays and enjoy doing what i can to make them special, i'm learning to hold my expectations loosely.  i did come home wednesday evening to nick and the girls standing by the door holding tulips and a sweet card they made for me.  it was the most precious sight.  bella came running toward me, so excited to give me their gifts that she fell over her own two feet.  nick told me my aunt was on her way over to babysit and we were going on a date.  i cried.  it was the best.  there's a new restaurant downtown we've been saving a gift card for.  there was an hour wait, so we gave them our name and went next door to an italian market and had a latte (me) and a beer (him) while we waited.  it was a *great* date, the best gift i could've asked for.

thursday night we had my mom and a friend of our family's over for dinner.  i made chicken piccatta, and we ate by candlelight with glasses of wine.  the day ended up much better than it started, and i went to bed with a full and thankful heart... and reminded of how my own expectations can rob me of the joy of the moment.

so grateful for the people in my life.  my cup runneth over.
happy valentine's day (a few days late).

what's for your sweet tooth {red velvet whoopie pies}.

i am such a sucker for holidays.  valentine's day is no exception.  i totally get that people dislike it for the commercialism and aisles upon aisles of pink and red that flood stores on december 26th, but still.  i love it.  each year, i try to do something special for our family.  little craft projects and baking goodies.  candlelit family dinners and special deliveries.

this year, i came across this recipe on pinterest and i knew i had found my valentine's day goodie.  whoopie pies are a huge thing in maine.  huge.  if you aren't familiar with them, the traditional version is two round chocolate cake flats sandwiched with thick, white creamy frosting.  super yummy.  there have been several variations of these treats, but you will find them in gift stores, bakeries, cafes and even gas stations all across our state.

delish.

i also {heart} red velvet cake.  who doesn't?  after living in texas for seven years, this southern delight has totally made it's way into my dessert favs.  so, this recipe is the perfect marriage of my maine heritage and nick's texan one baked into a delicious valentine's day treat.

here is the recipe, taken from the fabulous site, annie's eats.

red velvet whoopie pies

* 2 c. all purpose flour
* 2 T. cocoa powder
* 1/2 t. baking powder
* 1/4 t. salt
* 8 T. butter, softened
* 1 c. light brown sugar, packed
* 1 egg
* 1 t. vanilla
* 1/2 c. buttermilk at room temperature
* a few drops of red food coloring

- whisk flour, cocoa, baking powder and salt in a medium bowl.
- in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with paddle attachment, cream together butter and brown sugar on medium speed until fluffy; about two minutes.
- beat in egg until incorporated.  then add vanilla.
- with mixer on low speed, add 1/3 of the dry mixture, followed by half of the buttermilk, beating just until incorporated.  repeat so that all of the buttermilk has been added and then mix the final third of the dry ingredients.  do not overmix!
- add red food coloring until desired shade.
- transfer batter to pastry bag (or a plastic bag and cut the corner for a tip).  pipe heart shapes onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.
- bake 7-9 minutes, or until cookies are set.  allow to completely cool.

frosting:
* 8 oz. cream cheese
* 5 T. butter, softened
* 2 t. vanilla
* 2 1/2 c. powdered sugar

- cream together cream cheese and butter.  add vanilla.
- add powdered sugar and combine until creamy.
- either pipe or spread frosting with a knife and sandwich heart cookies together.  makes approximately 12 whoopie pies, depending on how big you make your cookies

so delish.  definitely an indulgent treat, but it's valentine's day right?

note: the original recipe instructs you to trace a heart template with a pencil onto parchment paper.  flip paper over and use the traced heart as a guide to pipe your batter.  but, really...who has time for that?  i just winged it.  which is probably why i gave up on hearts halfway through and resorted to just doing plain ole rounds.  either way, equally cute, equally delicious.

enjoy!