hey, dad.

hey, dad.

not a day goes by where my heart doesn't ache from missing you so much.  i'm still not quite sure how we've made it this past year and a half; the hole you have left in our lives is all encompassing.  sometimes it feels like it will swallow me whole.

i close my eyes and just picture your laugh.  my ears fill with it's vebrato and i see your eyes, happy and twinkling.  sometimes i feel your hugs.  i feel wrapped up in your arms like i was for thirty years.  and i miss how they made me feel like everything was going to be okay.  whether it was a scraped up knee after falling off my bike when i was five, or a welcome home with open arms when i was thirty.  i miss them.  i miss you.

my eyes are filling with tears even as i write this.  i still cry often.  i know you told us not to be sad, but i just can't help it.  god and i have had many conversations about why we are left without you.  why my daughters will never get to experience how awesome their bampy was.  they will know about you; i will tell them every chance i get.  but i wish they got the chance to make memories with you like i did.  those memories have changed my life.

those memories have made me who i am today.  you have made me who i am today.  father's day is around the corner and i'm trying so hard this year to not be sad.  i know that's next to impossible, but i want to celebrate the fact that i was given the gift of being your daughter.  i know the impact a daddy has on his little girl.  and even though you're not here, i know not to take it for granted that i am one of the few to have had such an amazing daddy.

you would love watching our girls with nick.  seeing him be their dad brings so many of my childhood memories come flooding back.  they climb all over him, the way gret and i climbed all over you.  they ride his back and pretend he's a horse.  they love swimming with him just as we did with you.  and he stands over them at night, praying over them as they peacefully sleep... just as you did with us.

your legacy lives on, dad.

last weekend we walked in your memory in the liver life walk in portland.  you would've loved it.  our team raised the most money out of all of the teams that participated and we were large and in charge, dad.  about 40 people, all wearing shirts that brian made in your favorite color: red.  bella was so cute, walking like a big girl.  she just trucked along, and knew she was doing it for you.  "bampy loved me so much, mom", she told me very matter-of-factly.  it made me cry.

i hope you know, i hope that i told you enough, just how much you meant to me.  my heart aches at the thought that maybe you didn't know; fully know.  maybe i didn't express enough just how much i was blessed by being your daughter.  i am forever grateful, dad.  there will never be adequate words to express just how much.

nick&i work hard to pass on the things you have taught us to our girls.  to love others, treasure relationships and share our lives with people.  we are teaching them how to be good friends, how to be confident in who god has made them, how to do the right thing, and most of all, how to love jesus with all their hearts.  you would love them so much, dad.  they are the most beautiful, tender hearted little girls.  and they would make you laugh...oh how they would make you laugh!  "you little imps!" i can hear you say.

we love you, dad.  and miss you every day.  thank you for what you have built in to us, and how you are blessing our family, even after you are gone.  that is just your style; still speaking even though you're not present in body.  you won't ever be truly gone.  i can promise you that.

i am forever blessed to be your little girl.  always, always.  love you so much, dad.
megs

multitude monday.

{source}

673.  hugs around the neck from my baby girls.
674.  dinner on the deck with nick.  thankful for our date nights.
675.  long runs.
676.  friends gathered around the fire.  laughter and roasting marshmellows.
677.  going to church as a family.
678.  hearing bella talk about jesus.
679.  sister tea parties.
680.  watching my girls play with their friends.  projector movie nights and smores; the stuff childhood is made of.
681.  falling asleep to the sound of the rain.
682.  fireflies blinking through the evening darkness.
683.  park picnics.
684.  the smell of sunscreen.
685.  quiet rest.  good for the soul.
686.  little chubby feet in jelly sandals.
687.  freshly picked buttercups given to me by little hands.

what's for dinner tonight {chicken gyros&homemade naan}.

well, folks.  we've found a new summer fav.

chicken gyros on homemade naan.  this is big time deliciousness.  light and yummy freshness wrapped up in a fluffy pillow of warmth.  i mean, have i convinced you to make this yet??

nick&i are big fans of date nights.  we try to stay consistent with having a date night once a week, although most of the time we don't ever leave the house.  once in a while, we'll get all fancy and have my mom or aunt watch the girls and actually go out to a restaurant.  but most of the time, we'll have our "dates" after the girls go to bed.  winter months are a bit tricky; it's usually homemade pizza and our favorite show... but we love our summer date nights!  dinner on the deck, fire in our backyard, or rocking out on our front porch.  all of which are usually accompanied by some wine and good music.  seriously, you can't beat it.

this week, we decided to have dinner on the deck after the girls were in bed.  i had seen this recipe for chicken gyros and have been wanting to try a variation of it for a while.  we loooove homemade naan, so i made the dough the night before (original recipe here). nick marinated and grilled the chicken while i baked the naan and prepared the rest.

the result?  absolute deliciousness.  seriously.  you have to make this!

chicken gyros&homemade naan

chicken:
* 3 chicken breasts
* 2 lemons, cut into wedges
* 1/2 c. vegetable oil
* 8 cloves garlic, minced
* 2 t. italian seasoning
* 2 t. salt
* 1/2 t. pepper

- squeeze lemons into a large ziplock bag.  add leftover lemon wedges to the bag as well.  add rest of the ingredients and shake.
- add chicken, seal bag and turn to coat.
- refrigerate 2-4 hours and then grill over medium heat, until juices run clear.

tzatziki sauce:
* 1 1/2 c. light sour cream (you can also use greek yogurt, i just happened to have sour cream on hand)
* 1/4 c. cucumber (finely grated, squeeze out juice)
* 2 t. garlic
* 1/4 t. salt
* 1 T. olive oil
* 1 1/2 t. vinegar

- mix together and slather onto naan as the base for your gyros.

naan:
* 1 pkg. active dry yeast
* 1 c. warm water
* 1/4 c. white sugar
* 3 T. milk
* 1 egg, beaten
* 2 t. salt
* 3 1/2 c. flour
* 1/4 c. butter, melted

- put all ingredients except for butter in your bread maker and run on the dough cycle (it will mix, knead and allow dough to do the first rise right in your machine; if you don't have one... get one!  mine was $25 at a yard sale and i use it probably three times a week!)
- punch dough down, pinch off small handfuls of dough a bit bigger than the size of a golf ball.  roll dough into balls and place on a cookie sheet.  cover with a towel and allow to rise until doubled in size, approximately 30 minutes.
- take a ball of dough, roll it out into a circular shape on a floured surface.  brush one side with butter, and cook on a large saute pan over medium heat until golden brown and bubbled.  brush opposite side with butter and flip.  cover cooked naan with a towel to keep warm.

to assemble:
- slice chicken in long, thin strips.  thinly slice one tomatoes and half of a red onion.
- take a piece of warm naan and top with tzatziki sauce.  fill with chicken, tomatoes and onion.  roll tightly and wrap the bottom half in tin foil (not necessary but it does help hold it together!)

the buttery warmth of the naan, the coolness of the tzatziki combined with the fresh crispness of the veggies and the tanginess of the chicken... mouth watering yet?  please tell me i'm not the only one.

perfect summer supper.

dear emmy.

dear emmy,

i love squeezing you.  you are honestly the cutest little thing; i feel like i can't get enough of you.  you make me laugh all the time; you are just my cheerful girl, my little clown, my happy-go-lucky baby (except for when it comes to food!  then you mean business).

last week was a rough one.  you were SO fussy, which is very unlike your personality.  you had a fever on and off for a couple of days, but i just blamed it on teeth.  you also had some shots a couple weeks before that, and your doctor told me you could have a late reaction.  you were just not happy!  last weekend was the liver walk in portland that our family and several friends walked in memory of bampy.  daddy had gone on a fishing trip friday night, so saturday morning i packed us all up and drove about 45 minutes to meet him.  you were awesome saturday morning, playing and back to your happy self.  the minute we got in the car, you screamed almost the whole way to get daddy.  we took a break to give you a snack (food can always put you in a good mood!) but once we were back on the road, you screamed almost the entire way to portland.  no good.  it was a bit stressful with you that weekend; you just were not happy and mama's patience was wearing thin!  monday morning i took you to the doctor and found out you had a double ear infection!!!!  you hadn't pulled on your ears or anything... i felt so bad :(  just glad to get you back to your happy self!

you honestly crack me up, ems.  everything you do is funny and cute; even when you're being a pest to your sister.  i know i shouldn't, but i can't help but turn my head and laugh.  when you're trying to get her attention, you'll crawl right up to her and swipe at her.  you also love to sit right next to her and pull her hair repeatedly, just waiting for a reaction.  bampy would say "you are a little imp!"

you also do this awesome bounce thing; it's your preferred method of getting around.  you get on your knees and just hop and bounce wherever you want to go.  it's the best thing ever.  i never want to forget the look on your face while you do it; huge smile, so proud of yourself!

you also love music.  anytime you hear it, you start to dance.  you'll sway and say "dancin, dancin" (in your own way) and it makes you so happy.  you also love to sit on your knees and sway all the way over til one hand is on the ground, and you'll push off it and sway to the other side, and then push off that hand.  it's awesome.

while we were in portland you took about 5 steps!  out of the blue!  you hadn't really done that much before.  daddy and i were so excited!  since then, you've been walking more and more.  you still prefer to crawl or "bounce", but you've been taking quite a few steps, walking up and down the halllway and across the living room!  when you fall, you always look back over your shoulder just waiting for me to cheer for you.  it's so cute :)

you also took your first swim at our hotel in portland.  daddy was in the pool with bella and aunt holly took you down to watch them.  when i came down a few minutes later, you were in the pool with them!  daddy said that you were so determined to get in the water that they just stripped you down to your diaper and let you go.  you were loving it.  and so brave; you kept trying to swim right out of daddy's arms!

you're getting picky-er with what you'll eat, which makes me so sad.  you used to eat anything and everything we put in front of you.  your favorite--hands down--is macaroni and cheese.  you take it by the handful and just shovel it in!  you also love fruit!  bananas are your favorite.  but you also love blueberries, kiwi, apples, grapes... you name it.  you'll put veggies in your mouth, but i always find them on the floor afterwards.  you chew 'em up, and spit 'em out, girl!

you LOVE your sister.  it's the sweetest thing.  and she's really sweet to you most of the time!  you love to watch her, and she makes you laugh like no one else.  today i needed to pick up the kitchen and i had to barricade the doorway so you would stay out!  i asked bella to play with you while i cleaned it up and i could hear her say "come on, ems!  let's go play in my room!" and off you went, happily bouncing down the hallway.  you guys played and giggled and put every pillow from bella's room into the hallway.  when it got quiet, i found you had shut yourselves in mama and daddy's room and were playing in there.  you are such cute sisters.  i pray that you will always love each other and become the best of friends.  having a sister is such a sweet gift, ems.  you are very blessed to have bella, and she is blessed to have you.  don't ever forget that!

you also love my phone.  i have an app on there with a cute little cat that repeats whatever sounds she hears. your face lights right up and your eyes get big and wide as you shriek and flap your arms like crazy whenever you see her.  so, she shrieks back, then you shriek again... and on and on it goes.  it's so cute.  at your one year doctor's appointment we had been waiting on dr. ann for almost an hour.  you were starting to get antsy, so i got out my phone.  you were LOVING it!  you would take my thumb and run it over the cat because you figured out she purrs when she's pet.  it was awesome.  after a few minutes, i put the phone away and got out a book they gave you at your appointment.  you started taking my thumb and doing the same thing; running it over the pictures of the children in your book.  when they didn't talk back or move, you got very frustrated and started shrieking your disapproval.  so funny.  classic baby of the 2000's.

i still get so excited to go get you up from your crib.  the other day, i was about to go on a run and you were still sleeping.  as i was about to leave i could hear you talking.  daddy told me to go ahead, that he would get you... but i told him "i really just want to go get her and squeeze her!"  i had been with you all day; some days i just can't get enough of your cuteness!!

you love to "talk on the phone"; if we say "hi!" you'll put your hand up to your ear and start jibber jabbering.  it's awesome.  then you'll wave and say "bye bye".  your favorite word is dada, and you also love saying mama and bella.  we were skyping with nonnie and papa the other night and you repeatedly said "papa papa" even long after we had said goodbye.  so cute.

i just love you so much, ems.  i just always want to pick you up, hold you, hug you and just cover your cheeks with a thousand kisses.  i think you are our last baby, so i especially hold on to these sweet moments while i can still think of you as my little one.  you're growing up before my very eyes and i want so badly to slow time down; to capture so many precious memories.  many, many times i'll just sit back, watching you and bella play and just exhale... my heart feeling so full... remembering to treasure these times.

i can't even describe how much i love you and how excited i am to continue to watch your little personality unfold.  you bring SUCH joy to our lives, i am just beyond thankful for you, my little sweet pumpkin!  i hope you will always always know and feel just how MUCH you are loved.  there is no one else like you, ems.  you are one of a kind and we are SO blessed that you are ours.  you have made our lives happier and brighter just by being you.

love you to the moon and back (and back again),
mama

instafriday.

in mama's sneakers

sleepy summer walks

waking up to this while daddy was on a fishing trip.

lazy saturday morning just us girls

hotel pool swimming

liver walk in memory of bampy

trader joes popcorn for my double ear infection patient

buttercups from my girl

skype date with nonni and papa

nature walk playdate

dear bella.

dear bella,

you are just the sweetest.  honestly.  i am so in awe of your tender little heart and how friendly you are to everyone.  you never meet a stranger!  you can walk into a room full of people and bravely walk right up to an adult, shake their hand and introduce yourself.  it's so awesome.

this last weekend we went away to portland for the liver walk in honor of bampy.  you were SO excited!  you had been counting down the days until you got to "stay in a hotel".  it was a really great weekend besides emmy being superrrrr fussy (which mama found out later she had an ear infection!)  you were pretty patient with her; several times you'd say "ems, stop crying!!!!!"  you both swam in the pool saturday night with daddy.  you LOVED it.  i was so proud of you because in the past you've been more of a "oh, i'll just put my feet in" type of girl.  not this weekend.  you were a little fishy!  watching you and ems swimming with daddy reminded me so much of my childhood.  auntie and i LOVED going swimming with bampy.  we'd climb all over him, have him throw us, and when we got older we'd race him.  someday you'll especially treasure these times, bel, and it makes me smile knowing what sweet memories you will have.  you did so well at the walk!  we had a team of almost 40 people; family and friends.  you went around saying hi to everyone.  you walked right up to one of bampy's good friends, stuck out your hand and said "hi, i'm bella!  nice to meet you."  it was the cutest thing.  and you even walked yourself for a good part of the route.  you trucked right along.  so adorable.  when i reminded you we were walking for bampy you said "oh, bampy loved me soooo much!"  you're right, little girl.  he did.

we skyped the other night with nonnie and papa.  it's always a little challenging for you to sit still and visit, but last night we let them watch you and ems play and you kept coming up to the computer screen and telling them animated stories about your baby dolls.  it was so cute.  you told them that one of your baby dolls was sixteen and then you started complaining because she has been waking up too early.  daddy and i definitely told you that last week when you decided to wake up at 5:15!  you're really looking forward to visiting nonnie and papa very soon!  you love them so much and constantly talk about going to their house on an airplane :)

you've been SO sweet to your sister these days.  daddy and i were just saying how proud we are of you.  you play so well with her (most of the time) and only really get frustrated when she takes your toys.  but if you freak out, you're quick to apologize and give her a hug and kiss.  she LOVES being a pest to you.  she'll pull your hair or hit you, trying to get your attention.  you usually ignore her for quite a while until you finally get super annoyed.  you're really patient with her, and i'm just so proud of you!  you two have been loving playing together and it just makes me SO happy to watch.  you'll never have a friend like your sister, bel.  remember that!

i can already tell that you're going to be such a good friend.  you love people so much and get so excited to hang out with your friends.  lately, you've loved holding hands with other little girls.  it's the cutest thing ever.  even if you've just met.  the other day you met a random little girl at the park, and you were running around, holding her hand.  when she had to leave, you stood at the edge of the grass waving saying "bye!  i love you!" adorable.

we've definitely had a few challenges lately, bel.  you have very strong opinions concerning your clothing.  for a while, you were throwing fits about wearing pants.  in your mind, shirts were dresses as long as you weren't wearing pants with them.  so, you'd walk around the house pant-less.  you'd go to sleep wearing only the shirts of your pj-sets.  you love your dresses and nightgowns.  you still refuse to go number two on the potty.  and there has been a few times i have found a puddle in your room at naptime.  when i asked you if you peed, one time you said "yeah, mom.  i was just sitting on the floor, looking up at my pictures and peeing."  oh... awesome.  you also moved your bed (it's queen size) the other day across the room, climbed onto it and got into the top drawer of your dresser.  you are super mischievous, my little sweets!  i really think part of this is your defiance in not wanting to take naps any more.  i keep telling you that you're going to have quiet time every day until you're in kindergarten so to get used to it!  but you still give me fits a lot.  it's good for you to have that time in your room to play quietly by yourself... and it's good for mama too :)

you also have been horrible at leaving places you like.  now that it's nice outside, we go on an outing a couple times a week.  when we are about to leave, i count down, letting you know how many minutes until we have to get in the car, and every time i end up carrying you like a football to the car while you kick and scream.  definitely not so pretty.  i've also decided not to go to the store with you for a while.  you're bound and determined to walk "like a big girl", but you don't stay with us, you love to run off.  it scares me half to death and if i make you sit in the cart you throw a huge fit.  so; our target days are over.  for now anyways.

you've been really cute praying by yourself at bedtime.  i never want to forget the sound of your sweet little voice asking jesus to be with your family and friends.  it's so so sweet.  your heart is so sensitive and thoughtful, bel.  if you act out during the day or give me a hard time, you're always so quick to apologize and say you're sorry. unprompted.  i love that.  i hope you always are quick to apologize when you make mistakes; we all do... being able to say you're sorry is a great sign of character.  remember that.

daddy and i can't believe how smart you are.  just tonight you were asking us what our favorite seasons are.  you said yours was winter because you like to play in the snow and be cold (be cold?!).  daddy and i both said summer. you said "i wonder what jude's favorite season is?  probably fall."  then i asked you what your favorite thing to eat was and you put your pointer finger to your mouth and tapping it, you said "hmmm... let's see... peanut butter!!!"  yep.  you love your peanut butter.

some other cute things: you love to say "yeah, that's a great idea!" if i tell you something we're going to do... or, "that sounds like a plan!"  tonight i asked you to go put something in the kitchen for me and you said "oh sure!  i'd love to!"  you LOVE to help... the other day i told you we could go put away some laundry together.  you said "okay, mom!  come on!  follow me" as you started walking down the hallway.  tonight when i was making dinner, you pushed your stool over to the counter and said "hey mama, can i be your maker?" which meant, you wanted to help me cook :)  you're always super concerned about your sister and if you hear her crying when she's in her crib you'll gasp "hey!  that sounds like ems!"  and you've been really big on telling me and daddy that you like us.  almost on a daily basis.  "i like you, daddy.  i like you, mama.  i really like you guys."  the other night you came over to me, threw your arms around my neck and in my ear started singing "everything is better with a friend.  everything is better with a friend like you!"  ahhhhh.  i hope you always feel that way, my pumpkin.

i tell you all the time that no matter what, daddy and i will always love you.  if i get upset with you, or yell, i apologize and let you know that even when i'm upset, i still love you even when i'm frustrated .  we won't be your "friends" until you're much older... but we will always be in your corner.  no matter what.  in us, you will find loyalty, a safe haven, an unending sea of love and grace.  we love you, little girl.  always, always.

so proud of who you are.  i love you so much my heart aches.  every night i check on you before i go to bed.  i kiss your forehead and cheeks about a million times and feel like my breath is knocked out of me a little bit i love you so much.  someday, if you have babies of your own, you'll understand.  even on the difficult days, i am so so grateful that i'm your mama.

love you to the moon and back (and back again),
mama

five years.

last week nick&i celebrated five years of marriage.  i can't believe it's been five years, it's flown by... and yet, i can't believe it's only been five years because it's hard for me to remember life apart from him.

the last five years of my life have represented the tangled web of pain and joy that is this life.  the beauty of the mountaintops... and the empty brokenness of the valleys.  we have felt it all.  and honestly?  i'm so thankful.  definitely not for what has caused our pain and grief and struggle.. but for how god has used it to cement us even closer together.  our marriage is not built on butterflies and romance which is fickle and fleeting... but on what god has brought us through together and how he has continually deepened our love for one another.  teammates.  for life.

on our wedding day, one of the most amazing details was something that was not planned by us.  actually, it could have never been orchestrated by anyone other than god.  throughout the duration of our ceremony, an eagle circled over the exact spot we exchanged our vows.  several of our friends and family told us about how beautiful it was.  to us, it was a god thing.  his reminder that he was there, in the midst of us.

the morning after our wedding, i woke up as the sunlight first crept in through our windows.  contended and happy, i laid in bed next to my sleeping husband and relived the events of the day.  when i thought of the eagle flying above, god immediately brought to my mind isaiah 40:29-31:

"he gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the lord will renew their strength.  they will soar on wings as eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

as we began our new life together that day, i was comforted by those words; by the sign i felt like god had given us.  life is hard.  but he would be with us each step of the way.

the past five years have proven that to be true.  loss of loved ones, a move across the country, grief, change, fear of the unknown, financial struggles... and yet woven through all of the difficult times, the birth of two gorgeous babies, the provision of jobs we absolutely love, unexpected blessings, the purchase of our first home, watching god build a beautiful life for us... one we are so grateful for.

we celebrated our anniversary by a little getaway to bar harbor, one of our favorite places.  it's a quaint little village on the coast where nick proposed to me almost 6 years ago, so it's very special to us.  it was rainy and gloomy most of the time we were there but we didn't care.  that made it more cozy.  we didn't have set-in-stone plans... there was so much beauty in just roaming the streets and not having to take note of the time. one of our best trips ever!

  

the quaintest, quirkiest coffee shop we found; definitely a new favorite

us

walking by the water

nick & his cigar ;)

love it when strangers volunteer to take pictures!

the shore path we love to walk

town square & cherry trees

love this old new england style church

our hotel balcony

 

ahhhhh....

before dinner

ocean shot

i've always loved this fountain

 so grateful for you, nick; i love you more today than ever and i can't wait to see god's story for us continue to unfold.  thanks for asking me to walk this journey with you.  i'm forever blessed.