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november has crept in, quiet and unassuming. it was the other day when i heard someone say "i can't believe it's november already!" that i drew in a breath and thought "okay, lord. here we go." as the days pass by, i become more teary eyed and heavy-hearted. ask anyone who has lost someone; grief is the most reliable "calendar" of all. even when i'm unaware, my heart tells me what month it is. i think back. back to the hardest, most painful days i've ever lived. i try to keep the memories at bay, but every once and a while...especially around this time of the year... they come flooding back. i feel them again with such intensity, as if i were reliving it all.
a blessing and a curse of losing my dad in november is that every year upon the anniversary of his death, the world around me is focused on gratitude. sometimes that makes me angry, if i'm being real honest. i'll never forget thanksgiving almost two years ago, driving home from boston just hours after saying goodbye to my dad. on a day our country was focused on giving thanks, i couldn't stop tears from flowing. i was broken and hurting. wounds so deep and raw and bleeding from saying goodbye to one of the people i loved most in the whole world.
but i suppose that much of life comes with a choice. and due to my personal journey in gratitude over the past few years, god had been teaching me much--and continues to--on focusing my mind and attitude on a spirit of gratefulness. and so in some ways, i'm glad that this dreadful time of grief happens for me in a month where our world is focused on giving thanks. because no matter what month, what time of year we experience loss or devastation or pain, we still have an opportunity for gratitude. regardless of our circumstances.
i'm not saying that gratitude is the magic wand to make all of our hurt disappear. i'm not saying it takes away the pain of loss or that it makes everything okay. it doesn't. but it is a balm that can soothe our hurting souls. it's a shift in our perspective, to be grateful. it turns what we have into enough. and that's where i feel blessed that november--the anniversary of my dad's going home to be with jesus--helps me fix my eyes on what i have in this life, while remembering and honoring the person i lost.
so this month on my blog, i will be recording my blessings. i know this will not only help my heart as this month goes by, but it will honor my dad. because he would've wanted me to celebrate, to live fully and to treasure what god has given me.
"the lord gave and the lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the lord."
(job 1:21)
today, i am thankful for my faith in jesus. when i look back on the past two years and what he has brought me through, i am amazed at his strength and grace. he promises us that when we are weak, he will be strong and i have found that to be so true. in ways i've never known or experienced before. when i think about why i continue to believe in god, the answer is so simple. i didn't stop believing in god because he chose not to heal my dad... rather, i believe in him with greater conviction because he is the only way i've made it through such a painful time in my life. he has not only carried me, but he's continually showed me more of who he is. he's my rock, my anchor, my Father... and he never changes. to one who has lost, to the one whose life has been forever changed... that is true comfort. he is the rock upon which my sinking feet can stand. he is the one who holds my weary heart in his everlasting hands.
and for this, and only because of this, my heart can truly be thankful. this month, and every month. for it is through my faith in jesus that all other blessings flow.
eternally grateful, forever secured in the arms of my savior.
"he lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. he put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our god. many will see and fear the lord and put their trust in him."
(psalm 40:2-3)
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