a frozen fourth.

a couple of weeks ago, my sweet first born turned four.  FOUR YEARS OLD.  i still can't believe it.  it feels like just yesterday i waddled into the hospital on a dark, warm morning in may, stomach churning with nerves and excitement about getting to meet my baby.  nothing will ever compare to the moment i held her for the first time; studied her full head of crazy black hair, squinty eyes and rosebud lips.  it seems surreal that she is growing up.  and so fast.

in typical bella fashion, she has been talking about her birthday since january.  this happens every year.  my nephew jude's birthday is right after the new year, so we have months of bella excitedly chattering about her birthday, as if it's right around the corner.  too funny.  she settled on a "frozen" theme (obviously) right away.

my rule of thumb for our girls is that they each get a big birthday bash for their first and second birthdays, and then it's a much simpler, party-in-a-bag, family only affair for a few years.  after a wild scramble to find anything frozen, we ended up finally scoring some anna and elsa loot.  it all came together and i'd say little girl was super happy with her frozen fourth.

i made some ice cream cupcakes with olaf cupcake toppers... these little guys were making me crazy.  so much so that i only made four; one for each kiddo, because i couldn't handle the madness any longer.  

per the birthday girl's request, i made an elsa cake which left a little to be desired.  i couldn't find an elsa barbie ANYWHERE, so i improvised.  i found a blonde barbie with a turquoise tanktop, braided her hair painted her arms in royal icing, and then dipped them in sugar to create "sleeves".  it was quite the process.  but bella loved it.  which was made apparent by the swipe of frosting (right on the front of the dress) left by a certain little finger when she peeked at it before the party.

we ate cake and ice cream with our family...

opened up presents and played with new toys...

we ordered pizza for supper and the kids watched "the little mermaid" in our bed with a huge bowl of popcorn...

it was pretty much the perfect day for our little princess.  complete with a few more sneaks of frosting before being whisked away to bed...

bella woke up on the morning of her birthday with a few requests: mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast WITH a candle (which she wanted daddy to make, but he was at work), popovers for supper, an anna cake (yeah riiiiiight) and milkshakes from mcdonalds for her birthday treat (absolutely NO idea where she came up with that).  so cute.  we spent the day playing at auntie's with jude and lu, and then meme came over for dinner.  we met auntie, uncle brian, jude and lucy at mcdonald's after dinner for milkshakes and sundaes.  which come to think of it, has kind of been our little birthday tradition with the girls, it just cracked us up that bella even remembered and requested it out of the blue.  it was a great little birthday and i managed to survive even though my baby girl is growing up way too fast.

my sweet bel, you are such a light to our lives.  you are so kind hearted and tender and the epitome of sweetness.  you are spirited and passionate and fun and wild and free.  i hope you always know how MUCH you are loved.  so excited to see what god has in store for you, and to continue to watch you grow.  i LOVE getting to be your mama; you bless me every single day with your sweet smile and thoughtful heart.  happy fourth birthday, precious girl!  we thank god for you!

a birds & bunnies birthday party.

last week, my baby turned two.

two.

i still can't believe it.  i've been very emotional about this birthday for some reason.  the other day, i was cleaning out her room and organizing her clothes and i sat in the rocking chair in her room and bawled for about twenty minutes.  i'm having a hard time realizing that she isn't my "baby" any more.  she's a toddler.  a full of spirit, always on the go, independent little girl.

for the past couple of months i've been trying to figure out what theme i would do for this big girl's birthday bash.  my rule of thumb has been that each of my girls get a bigger birthday party for their first and second birthdays, and then i pull out the party-in-a-bag from walmart with cake and ice cream and family-only parties for the next couple of years.  birthday parties can be just too much.  but, i love to indulge my creative side for a couple of years anyway and do something cute and fun.  so, this year i went for two of my emmy em's favorites: birds & bunnies for this colorful, springy party.  and the decorations will also double as next years easter decor.  score.

one of my best friends from high school gave emmy a bunny lovey when she was just a baby.  since then, she has never been without it!  she sleeps with that sweet little bunny every single nap and night... and more often than not, we are turning the house upside down in a mad dash before we can put her to sleep to find where she put the thing.  she LOVES bunnies.  she also loves birds; she's constantly pointing them out to me when they're in our yard, so i decided it would be cute to do this spring theme, especially since her birthday was so close to easter this year.  i didn't spend a whole lot of time planning it and found myself up the night before working on last minute decor, but it was fun and cute which fits our birthday girl to a t.

table:

- white eyelet tablecloth

- crate&barrel vase we got as a wedding gift filled with fake cherry blossoms and pussywillows that i had used almost four (!!) years ago for bella's first birthday and bring them out every spring

food:

- crackers&cheese

- a layered tortellini salad with pesto dressing

- bunny cupcakes

- birds nests

- carrot cake

- annie's bunny crackers in mason jars and coral colored pails

i decorated our hutch with china teacups that were my grandparents, some white vases and the girls easter egg tree (without the easter eggs!).  i also made this banner out of drop cloth, ribbon and pretty fabric i had on hand.  i used a bunny shaped cookie cutter for the bunnies and made my own template for the birds to trace and cut.

i made food cards out of pink gingham cardstock and decorated some of them with fabric flowers or ties.  i like labeling food at a party to help guests know what it is that they're putting on their plates!

pretty pink drink, plates and utensil station... it's not pictured here but friends of ours brought a beautiful pitcher of "watermelon water" that they make from pureeing watermelon and ice... so yummy and pretty!

this carrot cake was to die for, if i do say so myself.  we are big "pioneer woman" fans in this house, and her recipe for this cake did not disappoint.  i decorated it with two kabob skewers and ribbon tied with fabric scraps for a touch of whimsy and color

this layered tortellini salad was pretty and delicious (wish i would've gotten a non-condensationized photo of it!) especially displayed in my beautiful trifle bowl (thank you, pampered chef).

my mom made these cute little birds nests with chow mein noodles, marshmallow and mini cadbury eggs.  so cute!

my mom also helped me create these little bunny cupcakes with sugar cookie ears and chocolate bits for eyes.  they were a little time consuming but emmy loved them.  i think she ate three of them, i lost count.

the birthday girl!  

family shot.

cousins & cupcakes!

for my sweet girl...

make a wish!

the rain held off so the kiddos could play outside for a bit...

shooting hoops with emmy's new basketball set!  bampy would be so proud.

sweetest pic of the whole day.  love these two so much!

loving her (one of many) new babies :)  this girl is SO obsessed with baby dolls!

it was a wonderful party with lots of sweet family and friends to help us celebrate our special girl!  she is such a gift to our family and brings laughter and sunshine everywhere she goes... we love you, emmy faith!

dear emmy.

dear emmy,

you are seriously a hoot.  i can't think of a better way to describe you; you always have us laughing.  i absolutely LOVE your sense of humor... even at this young age, you have a knack for being hilarious.  i just love watching you and your facial expressions, and how you take in life so lightheartedly.  thanks for helping me laugh more.  i have so much joy in my life because i get to be your mama (or mum-mum as you've been calling me for months now.  i kind of love it).

you have a way of capturing people's hearts.  you are adorable and loveable and just so fun.  i dropped you off at the church nursery this last sunday and a worker immediately came and got you.  "oh, i'm so glad she's here today, we just love her she's the sweetest thing!"  that was just music to my ears.  speaking of church, you're kind of obsessed.  almost every day your eyes get big and wide and you excitedly ask me if we're going to church.  it's so cute.  you get most excited about the "go-fish" that they feed you for snack... this last week you told me about it several times ;)

easter was so fun with you this year!  you were so into it all.  despite our best efforts to teach you why our family celebrates easter, you were so much more excited about bunnies and candy.  every time we'd ask you why we celebrate easter your eyes would get HUGE and you'd shriek "e-sa bunny!!!!!"  we'd say "noooo... why do we celebrate easter, emmy?" again, your eyes would get huge and you'd excitedly whisper "e-sa egggggs!" again, "no, emmy... why do we celebrate easter?!" again: "treeeeeeats!!!!"  we couldn't help but laugh.

you are into EVERYTHING and are like a little tornado leaving your path of destruction through our house!  sometimes i want to pull my hair out.  you go through my purse a hundred times a day and run off with my credit cards and receipts.  you also love to antagonize.  you'll run up to bella and grab a toy and then run for the hills.  or wreck my laundry piles and book it so fast i can barely catch you.  i think you have a future in sprinting.

you've been so funny in the mornings.  you'll be sound asleep and we'll hear not even a peep from your room until all of a sudden we jolt awake to you squawking from your crib "DADDY!!  EMMY WAKE!!!!" and when that doesn't work "MUM-MUM COME GET EMMY!!!!!" and then you'll immediately start calling for bella.  it's so cute how much you love her.  you're getting pretty spoiled by her these days... lately, she's taken to bringing you breakfast in bed the minute she hears you waking up!  rice cakes and apples are her usual choice... what a luxurious life you lead!

you are quite a performer.  singing and dancing are two of your absolute favorite things in the whole world.  we were in texas a couple months ago for a good friend's wedding.  bella was a flower girl, but you had no intention of letting her steal the show.  during the reception, your favorite song came on: "roar" by katy perry.  you were out in the hall when the music started and i could see our little head bobbing as you ran to the dance floor.  you immediately started dancing and singing all the words... you were so cute that everyone on the dance floor turned and formed a circle around you.  i stood by, thinking immediately you would get shy and stop, but this only encouraged you.  you sang and danced your signature sway and got SO into it; facial expressions, hands in the air and everything.  until the song was over.  the rest of the night everyone was asking who "that cute little girl was that sang katy perry."  no joke, it was one of my favorite moments of my life.  you were just as adorable as can be; such a perfect reflection of your little personality.

praying before dinner is another one of your favorite things.  but your version is pretty abbreviated.  you get so excited and want everyone to hold hands.  the minute daddy starts praying you yell "AMEN!" and beam with pride.  it's so cute.  the other night you wanted to pray before bed, so you said "dear jesus, thank you for this day... and then just kept repeating family member's names over and over... there was no stopping you.  it was so cute.

you are OBSESSED with helping us cook in the kitchen.  every saturday morning daddy makes a big breakfast, usually pancakes.  you drag one of our dining room chairs into the kitchen and stand on it and proudly proclaim over and over again for the next twenty minutes "mum-mum, i help daddy" and you want to do everything yourself.  and good gracious are you independent; i think even more so than your big sister.  in fact, i think you have more first born traits than bella... you are a HUGE boss; we affectionately call you "bossy flossy" because you are always telling her what to do!  anytime i correct bella or give her directions, you turn to her and repeat it in your best bossy voice and always add an "OKAAAAAYYY?" at the end.  it's hilarious.  but i've found myself having to tell you a lot lately: "emmy, mind your own business!"

you can be pretty timid at times around people you don't know.  bella's been taking gymnastics for almost a year now, and the other moms think you are the quietest thing because all you do is sit in my lap and watch.  you're just now starting to warm up to them, and i tell them over and over that you really are NOT quiet!  but you definitely have your shy moments.  i happen to love that you sit quietly in my lap like that.  i don't want it to ever stop!

favorites of yours right now?  pizza (we had it last night for dinner and you ate 3 pieces; no joke), cooking shows (you LOVE watching the food network with me), books, anything "frozen" (you know all the words to all of those songs, too), necklaces (you had about seven on today at one time), sophia the first (or "fia" as you call her), barney (ughhh), chocolate everything...

i love you so much it hurts my insides.  you are turning two this weekend and it makes me want to cry.  i can't believe my little baby is growing up so fast.  i am soaking in every last bit of your babyishness: your chubby thighs and wrists and dimpled hands, your chatter and funny conversations as you are piecing things together, your giggle and the way you lay your head on my shoulder and suck your thumb.  you are such a gift and i'm so blessed to be your mum-mum.

love you to the moon and back (and back and back),
mama

resurrection cake.

i love traditions.

i know i've written about this before, but i grew up in a family that was ALL about them.  and i loved it.  now it's so important to me to build traditions of our own with the girls... it's such a special part of childhood and family life in general.

naturally, holidays are the perfect time to develop these traditions and sweet family moments.  however, in my best efforts, i find a few things that are difficult in the task to do so: number one, our girls are still small and while doing special things is super fun, it can also make me want to poke my eyes out.  seriously.  and sometimes--well, most of the time--things don't go the way i have imagined in this idealistic brain of mine.  number two, it's an ongoing task for nick&i to try to teach our girls the reasons why our family celebrates holidays like christmas and easter.  for us, easter is far more than bunnies and eggs... but to them right now, cute fluffy animals, pretty decorated eggs and easter candy are what's most exciting.  so we are constantly trying to find ways to teach them more and more about our faith and our savior's love for us.  which can be a huge challenge.  ever tried to explain death and resurrection to a two and four year old?  geesh.

so while scrolling the internet one day, i found a few different ideas for "resurrection cakes", and i thought they were so cute, and a great (and delicious!) way for teaching the girls more about easter.

here's what we did...

resurrection cake

materials needed (besides recipe ingredients):
* cardboard
* tinfoil
* coconut
* green food coloring
* candy eggs
* oreos
* chocolate sticks
* glue
* biscuit cutter

- preheat oven to 350.
- we used this chocolate cake recipe from the pioneer woman, but we halved it.
- grease and dust a pampered chef batter bowl with cocoa.  fill bowl with batter and bake for 1 hr, or until knife is clean when inserted into cake.  allow to cool.
- wrap a good sized piece of cardboard with tin foil.
- take several oreo cookies and remove the white filling.  finely crush the chocolate wafer parts in a ziploc bag.
- in a mixing bowl, mix a bag of shredded coconut with a few drops of green food coloring until coconut is evenly colored.
- once cake is cooled, take a biscuit cutter and carve out a portion of the cake to be the "stone".
- we used this super yummy chocolate buttercream frosting recipe from mel's kitchen cafe; highly recommend.
- using a spreader, frost cake and "stone".  dust cake with some of the oreo crumbs to resemble dirt; save a good portion for later.
- add coconut "grass" to cover the tinfoil, leaving a section by the opening of the tomb uncovered.  add a few pastel colored egg candies; i used reeses peanut butter eggs just because they're my fav and we had them on hand for filling the girls easter eggs tomorrow.
- fill the tomb opening section with the rest of your oreo cookie crumbs for "dirt".
- cut a few chocolate sticks to make three crosses.  glue together.  when glue has dried, top cake with crosses.

voila!  this is going to be one of our new family traditions.  the girls loved it; they helped me mix it up and bake it this morning, and then they were so excited to wake up from their naps and see the decorated cake!

 

happy easter everyone!  i can still hear my dad's booming voice excitedly say: HE IS RISEN; HE IS RISEN INDEED!

so grateful.

dear bella.

dear bella,

i am SO proud to be your mom.

you have the sweetest spirit.  you are so kind and thoughtful of your friends and the people around you.  i can't tell you how many times you cup my face in your little hands and tell me how much you love me.  the other night i said "oh, bella you are my sweet little girl."  you stroked the sides of my face and said in your sticky sweet voice without missing a beat "oh, mama you are my sweet big mama."

your little buddy, wyatt came to gymnastics class with you today!  you were SO excited.  you told me you were going to help him and show him around and introduce him to alllll of your gymnastics friends.  at the end of class, your teacher passed out papers to everyone but wyatt didn't get them because he was visiting.  he burst into tears because he felt left out (poor little guy), and you immediately rushed to his side and started rubbing his back.  one of the other moms turned to me and said "she is just the sweetest girl."  you really are, my love.

one of the highlights of your LIFE thus far is that you got to be a flower girl in our friends kristin and josh's wedding back in february in dallas!  you were SO EXCITED!  you got to go to the nail salon with all of us bridesmaids and have your first manicure... you were loving life!  and you got to wear a super fancy dress and pretty shoes and walk down the aisle in front of a church full of people.  you did amazing.  when people would ask you whose wedding it was, you'd say "mine and kristin's!"  you were attached to her hip whenever you could be, just admiring her the entire time; she was like a princess to you.  mama and daddy went to help them prepare for the wedding one night and the next morning you woke up and climbed into bed with us.  you held my face in your hands and said "ooooh, mama!  thanks so much for working on my wedding last night!"  you are too much, little girl!

you love your sister so much but sometimes you guys get into squabbles.  she can get pretty feisty with you and you are so patient with her.  the other day you came in my room and started talking to me.  you were a little bit distressed.  you said "mom, i just try to be emmy's friend but she doesn't know how to be my best friend!"  i have to explain to you often that she's still little and doesn't always understand.  it's so awesome for me to see the friendship you two have.  she's the first person you want to see in the morning, and you both just squeal with excitement when you burst through her bedroom door!

you are all about gymnastics these days.  i keep asking you if you want to try dance soon, but you just keep telling me that you want to stay gymnastics.  lately, you've been telling everyone that you're going to be a cheerleader.  today in the car, you kept talking about it and i said "bel, don't you want to play basketball?"  exasperated, you said "but MOOOM, i'm not a boy!" i said "well, i played basketball and i'm a girl!" but you assured me you wanted nothing to do with that, and you couldn't wait to be a cheerleader.  you said "i can't wait to tell miss robin today that i'm going to be a cheerleader!" and you did just that.  the minute we got to gymnastics class you walked right in and announced it to your teacher.  you crack me up.  i can't wait to see what you love and develop a passion for.  i want you to know--even if it's cheerleading--that i will be your biggest fan and support you every step of the way!  i love you so much, and know you are going to have an impact on this world no matter how you choose to invest your gifts and talents that god has given  you.

you've been so excited to start school!  you found a lunchbox that you used to take to your old babysitter's the other day and you got so excited.  when i was putting you to bed that night you told me "mom!  i'm all packed for school in the morning!  i can't wait to see all my friends!"  you are such a little social butterfly.  friends mean so much to you already.  it makes my heart so happy.

your favorite things right now are: apples.  you eat two almost every day.  you're obsessed.  snacks.  you're constantly asking me for them.  like, every twenty minutes!  angelina ballerina.  it's your favorite thing going right now.  well, besides frozen.  elsa braids.  you ask for me to put your hair in an "elsa braid" almost every day.  and it's not fully an "elsa braid" until you flip it over one shoulder.  you've been talking about your frozen birthday party since january.  and you're birthday isn't until may.  church.  by mid-week you and emmy both start asking when we're going back to church.  i love it.  the food network.  you love your cooking shows and are always asking to watch them with me.  pioneer woman and trisha yearwood are two of your favs.  you've started pretending you're on the food network alot recently while you're eating your food or playing with your kitchen.  you start describing how things taste, and just last night i made soup for dinner and you said "oh, mama, this soup is delightful."  the song "oh how i love jesus".  i sing this to you and emmy all the time because it was one of the songs bampy started singing in the hospital as he was getting ready to go to heaven.  so we sing it every night as our bedtime song, and you can't go to sleep without it.  i'll say "bella, what song do you want to sing?" and you'll say "it tells me of a saviors love!"  you know all of the words and it's the most precious sound.

today you cut yourself on a broken jar and it was pretty deep.  i told you i needed to clean it and put a band-aid on it and that i needed you to be brave.  you took a deep breath and almost in a whisper, you kept repeating "i'm not afraid, i'm not afraid..." over and over.  i was so proud of you!

you've also started getting pretty demanding, which we've had to talk to you about a lot lately.  you want what you want, when you want it, so we've had to work with you on being respectful and patient.  the other day we were shopping for lucy's birthday present.  we found a minnie cash register that was just perfect and you wanted it.  you kept asking me over and over if lucy could share with you, and i kept reminding you that it was her birthday gift and i'm sure she'd let you play with it, but that it was hers.  you kind of had a rough morning and later that afternoon, you were snuggled up in my lap and out of the blue you said "mom, i think i have been a little bit sad about lulu's birthday present."  i was so impressed that you could see that in yourself and communicate it to me.  so, we talked about the importance of being excited for other people when they get things, even when it's things we may want.

you've gotten a lot better with controlling your emotions.  it was ROUGH there for a while, girl.  it's funny because you'll tell people often "i have to work on controlling my emotions" and daddy and i will always stifle a laugh because it sounds so funny coming out of a three year old's mouth.  we're still working on listening; you're very strong willed so if you're doing something and we ask you to stop, you'll say "but i'm trying to ____" rather than just obeying immediately.  it gets a little wearing on our patience, but we're trying to help you listen and obey better.  you're like a little monkey constantly jumping and climbing on everything in this house!!  it drives me crazy sometimes!!

you are the best apologizer; sometimes it worries me that you apologize TOO much!  when you get hurt, you apologize, or when you legitimately do something accidentally, you apologize.  you're very sensitive and genuinely feel sorry when you know you've messed up.  i just love your tender heart and your humility. those are such important and special character qualities to have, my girl.

i can't believe how fast you're growing up.  it makes me so sad, but you've promised me that you'll be my baby forever ;)  i always want to remember this season of princess dresses, all things girly, you wanting me to play with you, you and emmy making forts in your closet, hearing your giggles and giving you butterfly kisses.  i will be honest, i won't miss the tantrums and the public embarrassment moments and having to repeat myself a million times because you're jumping on all of our furniture or doing something i'm asking you not to do... but i love you--ALL of you--with all my heart.

proud of you, my girl,
love you to the moon and back (and back and back!)
mama

the daniel plan.

since christmas, i've been struggling feeling pretty lousy.  physically, emotionally and spiritually.  just going through a rough spell... low motivation and battling fatigue.  i've known for a while i needed to make some changes... but when you're struggling with motivation, it's hard to become motivated to make a change.

anyone with me?

much easier to stay in your sweatpants and continue to sit right where you are.  but, i couldn't take it much longer and as they say, the pain of staying where i was began to exceed the cost of actually doing something to change.  so, with god's help, i did.

while on a recent trip to texas, some of my girlfriends and i decided to participate in the daniel plan for lent.  although i am not catholic, i started participating in lent a few years ago.  i find the practice of self discipline both needed and rewarding and i think it can be very powerful in our journey to grow closer to Jesus and become more like him.

if you haven't heard of the daniel plan, it's a book co-authored by pastor rick warren, dr. daniel amen and dr. mark hyman.  basically, rick warren (who pastors saddleback church in lake forest, california) felt convicted at his state of unhealthiness and vowed to his congregation that he would not only be a better example to them but also talk to leading experts in the nation to develop a plan for them to follow in this quest.

i happen to be a fan of rick warren's.  when i was part of the counseling staff at my church in dallas, we took a trip to his church in california for a conference on their celebrate recovery ministry.  while i jokingly labeled their church campus "the disneyland of churches" (it's HUGE... and also had music being piped out of artificial rocks in the landscaping), i think they are doing so many things very well.  one of the most unattractive qualities about christianity and church today is hypocrisy and in-authenticity.  we tend to talk a big talk, but not walk a big walk.  we say we're all about something, and yet our actions prove the opposite.  and that's why i really like pastor warren.  from what i have observed, he's real.  he's humble.  he speaks truth in grace.  and he leads by example.  i'm a fan.

anyway, i picked up the book while in dallas and started reading on the plane ride home.  i had about a week before ash wednesday, when i was set to embark on the dreaded ten day detox.  i read, researched and made long grocery lists.  i picked out recipes, planned meals and ate a big pancake meal on fat tuesday: true story.

i went to the grocery and loaded up on fresh veggies, beans and lentils, eggs and natural peanut butter and organic coconut oil.  stocked my freezer with shrimp, fish and chicken and my pantry with brown rice and quinoa.  and then detox began.  no dairy.  no wine.  no gluten (for this bread lover... HUGE hurdle).  no coffee (the worst part).

day one was awesome.  why does everyone think this is hard?  i thought as i snacked on nuts and ate salad for lunch.  and then came days two and three.  and i was brought to my knees.  yep, this is why everyone thinks it's hard.  caffeine headaches, exhaustion and fatigue, just all around crumminess.  my whole body just hurt.  i felt like i had been hit by a truck.  it was awful.

i consulted some fellow daniel-ers and decided that what my body really needed was rest.  i didn't realize how run down i was until i cut out sugar and caffeine and then completely crashed.  so, that night i went to bed at 9 and woke up feeling like a new person.  i slept the most soundly i had slept in months and noticed my head was clearer and my joints felt better.  i made sure i was eating enough carbs--brown rice and quinoa--as well as fats: nuts, nut butter and avocado.  soon, my cravings were quite reduced and i realized how GOOD real, whole food was... and that helped me as i resisted the other things that i used to crave.  although my daughters had soft pretzels for an on-the-go lunch at target today and i had to wipe some drool as i stared longingly at them...

fast forward a few days to a two-day suicide intervention training i had to do for work.  on monday, i sat in a room for 8 hours listening to people instruct on the topic of suicide.  no coffee.  let me repeat that: NO COFFEE.  i came home and the minute i collapsed through the door, i told nick "i feel  horrible".  i decided it was time that i add coffee back in.  seven days without coffee was too much.  the next morning, i arrived for the training and poured myself a steaming cup of liquid energy.  and it was amazing.

i ended the detox strong, losing five pounds in only those ten days!  and gaining a whole bunch of knowledge about myself and my body.  i realized: all i needed was a little coffee and life was good.  i'm just not cut out for doing life without it.

i also realized: i can do without bread!  we'll still have pizza night once a week, and i will enjoy bread here and there, but it feels empowering to know that i'm not a slave to gluten like i had once thought.

now, i continue to follow the basic principles of the daniel plan.  lots of fresh fruit and veggies.  lean protein like shrimp, chicken and fish...also low fat cottage cheese, eggs and beans.  an occasional glass of wine after a long day... and yes, i drink my coffee every morning.  although i'm a recovering creamer addict, so i'm trying to learn to drink it with only a bit of almond milk.

in an ongoing effort to cultivate a better sense of self discipline and help myself feel the best i can, i also signed up for the twenty one day fix challenge through beachbody.  nick's cousin is a coach, so i've been working my hiney off (that's the goal, anyway) working out every day, and continuing my healthy eating in a group of women that help keep me accountable.  my motivation is not so much weight loss (although that's a nice benefit) but more so feeling good physically, emotionally and spiritually.

i only have one life to live and one body that god has given me.  i want to make sure i'm taking the best care of it, and living in a healthy balance.  if you're looking for a good read and some motivation, check out the daniel plan!  i'll be posting some recipes on here of things i've enjoyed along my journey.

it's okay.

her brown curls frame her pink cheeks, eyelashes splayed in slumber.  the weight of her body rests on my chest, and i hear the creak of the rocking chair that has held me and both of my babies in these quiet moments.  they say not to move a sleeping baby, but i pay no attention to that rule.  because i love to hold my girls while they're sleeping.  stealing any chance to hold them still against my heart, kiss their cheeks and brush their foreheads gently.  it's the perfect ending to days that are filled with sweeping up crumbs, kissing hurt fingers and bumped knees.  yelling out reminders of rules and breaking up sister squabbles.  it all melts into the silent peace that is rocking my sleeping child and memorizing their features, their breaths...this moment.

i lay her back down in her crib, heart full, and her eyes flutter for a moment and then open to gaze into mine.  thumb in mouth, she softly moves her other fingers in a wave to me, as she turns and drifts back to sleep.  sweetest thing ever.  that little wave.

i tiptoe out of her room and slide into my bed under a pile of covers and thank Jesus for moments like these.  moments that make a week full of tears and frustration worth it.  moments that remind me this is a season of such a mix of emotions.

and it's okay.

the stomach bug swept through our house last week and i was the only one left standing.  by the time nick was sick, i was feeling pretty sorry for myself.  the one lost in endless laundry, multiple bed changes, catching throw up in any possible way i could to keep it from getting on pajamas, blankies or dolls.  by sunday morning i couldn't stop the endless flow of tears from pouring out.

pure exhaustion seeping out everywhere.  grief that cripples me at times.  it's been two and a half years and i still miss my dad so much it's hard for me to catch my breath sometimes.  it's an agonizing pain that feels as though i will crush under the weight of it.  the hurt is inexplicable--even to myself--but i try to get the words out so i'm not bottling them up inside.  in between sips of coffee and shoulders heaving, i manage a few sentences to my patient husband, listening gently.

my sweet girls crawl up in my lap.  arms looped around my neck.  big, brown eyes looking up at my tear filled ones.  "mama, why are you sad?" and "ok, mum-mum?" with looks of genuine concern.  and it breaks my heart.

it breaks my heart because i feel guilty.  guilty that i'm crying because of a week of caring for the ones i love most.  guilty that i have seasons of such pain and brokenness from missing my dad that i may be lacking something as their mom.  fear that i don't always have enough to give to them.  worry that it won't get easier.  complete and utter sadness that my sweet girls have missed out on so much without their bampy, who was just itching to make so many memories with them.  the list goes on and on and on...

i'm realizing how much i try to do on my own.  how often i don't rely on the One whose strength and power is of endless supply.  and just how much i need Him and all He has for me... as a wife, a mama, a daughter, a sister, a friend...

i'm also realizing how much god uses my girls to bless my heart.  he reminds me that he works in their lives in spite of their flawed and imperfect mama; that their well being does not rest entirely on my shoulders.  that he can use my broken, tear filled moments.  and just when i feel as though i'm falling short of pouring into my babies, i hear her voice--tiny and sweet--singing those precious words; words that bring such a sense of calm to my guilt-ridden mama heart: "oh how i yuv jesus!  oh how i yuv jesus because he first yuved meee!"  my almost two year old, singing out from her crib. 

god working in my children, in spite of their tired, broken, selfish, completely imperfect mama.

this season of life is hard.  there are moments every day where i feel like i am failing.  where my house is a mess, laundry is never caught up and my kids watch way more television than i want them to watch in a day.  but i'm learning: it's okay.  that's the beauty of my Jesus: He gives what i cannot give and supplies for my children in ways far greater than i ever could in my limited humanity.  He is the one that never changes and is my rock in the times where i feel as though i am sinking.

"my hope is built on nothing less
thank Jesus' blood and righteousness
i dare not trust the sweetest frame,
but wholly trust in Jesus' name

when darkness seems to hide his face

i rest in his unchanging grace

in every high and stormy gale

my anchor holds within the veil.

Christ alone, cornerstone
weak made strong in the Savior's love
through the storm, He is Lord, Lord of all"