dear bella.

dear bella,

a couple months ago, i lovingly nicknamed you "our sweet challenge".  the twos have been challenging for all of us!  i think the age/stage combined with you adjusting to being a big sister has been rough.  it is absolutely amazing to me how you can be the sweetest little thing in the entire world one second, and a complete terror the next.  oh, the life of a two year old.

your fav things right now: the grinch, bagels & cream and cheese (what you call cream cheese) especially from the bagel shop downtown, your little people nativity, your vitamins, the book "caps for sale" and "snowy day", our christmas tree and the mini one in your room, your princess dresses; you are into wearing them over everything, everywhere, all the time!

you have been saying some of the funniest things lately.  daddy&i were just saying the other night how we feel like your vocabulary has expanded, and you're becoming much more comical in just the past few weeks.  the other day i was buckling you into your carseat and you were throwing a bit of a fit.  i got frustrated and you could tell.  you furrowed your brow and got really mad and in the sternest voice you looked at me and said "YOU ARE DRIVING ME NUTS!"  it was sassy, but i couldn't help but turn my head away and laugh until i almost cried.  the rest of the day i just kept picturing your cross little face and bursting into laughter.

you are such a little social butterfly.  you never meet a stranger.  a couple weeks ago we went to a basketball game at daddy's school.  you were so excited.  you kept wandering further and further from me on the bleachers and i'd have to chase you.  a group of older girls loved you and asked me if it was okay for you to sit with them.  i kept looking over and there you were, sitting in the middle of them as they all passed you from lap to lap.  they clapped, you clapped.  they cheered, you cheered.  you were like a little twelve year old trapped in a two year old body.

we've been struggling with you being sassy lately.  we'll correct you and you'll say "no!  don't say that to me!"   those are not some of your finer moments.

you have been so sweet to emmy lately.  i'll find you on the floor with her, playing or dancing with her, or just giving her great big hugs.  it's so adorable.  she just loves you and giggles whenever you are around and especially when you're paying attention to her!  we've been doing memory verses with you, and so far you've gotten two down.  ephesians 6:1 and psalm 107:1.  it's the cutest thing to hear you say them.  yesterday you were eating breakfast and you wanted to read your bible while you ate.  you also have been giving the BEST hugs lately.  you'll come up to me and just throw your arms around my neck ad say "squeeeeeeze!"  it's so cute.

you also are potty trained now and haven't had an accident in weeks!  we are so proud of you!  the other day aunt holly took you for the day and she brought you to wendy's for lunch.  you used the bathroom there after lunch, and then later she asked you if you had to go again.  you said "no, i went at wendy's house."  you still haven't mastered number two on the potty; it scares you to death.  the other day i had put a diaper on  you for naptime and i couldn't find where you had run off too.  when i found you in the kitchen i asked you what you were doing and you said "ohhhh nothing, i'm just pooping."  you're so funny, my girl!

you are also so thoughtful.  you always think to ask people "so, how was your day?"  you ask me all the time "mama, how was your class?" and even though daddy's been done coaching football for a few months you still ask him "daddy, how was your football game?"  i love that you are so thoughtful in asking others about their lives!  bampy would be so proud of you.  he always told me life is about relationships; and we will tell you that, too!  if you love others, your life will be full.  and if you love jesus like we pray you will, you won't be able to not love others and show interest in their lives.

i'm so proud of you, my bella.  although you are super challenging right now, i see so many good things in your little personality.  you love others, you are thoughtful and sweet, creative, determined and independent.  i can't wait to see how god uses you my sweet girl!

love you to the moon and back (and back again),
mama

what's for breakfast this morning {whole spelt biscuits}.

i have a new best friend when it comes to baking.  i've blogged about it before, but i'll blog about it again:

i.love.spelt.

i first had spelt bread years ago and i never forgot it.  i just thought it was so delish.  and i knew it was healthy, which was, like, a double bonus.  now i make my own bread out of half spelt/half whole wheat flour.  i've also found this combination to make a winning pizza crust as well.  i'll post both of these recipes soon, i promise.

we've gotten pretty used to whole wheat flour on this clean eating endeavor, but sometimes it just doesn't cut it for my taste when it comes to baking.  too heavy and prominent tasting.  spelt is much lighter and the flavor doesn't stand out as much as the wheat. {side note:} i bought white flour for the first time in months for my holiday baking the other day since we were hosting our whole family.  i hadn't used it in so long the consistency in my fingers was such a complete shock to my skin.  it felt like silk.

i missed it.  for a second.

but i made these spelt biscuits this morning (adapted a bit from this recipe) with my little sous chef and we gobbled them up.  seriously; they were amazing.  i actually liked them better than my standard white-flour biscuits.  and i liked those a whole lot.

these are buttery, slightly nutty in flavor and still light and flaky.  holy cow.  they are just so delicious.

whole spelt biscuits

* 2 cups organic, whole spelt flour
* 1/2 t. salt
* 1 T. baking powder
* 6 T. butter, cold and diced
* 2/3 c. (maybe a bit more) milk

- preheat oven to 450 degrees.
- mix dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl.  cut in butter until mixture resembles coarse crumbs.
- add milk, combine until a dough forms.
- turn dough onto floured surface.  knead a few times, roll out to approximately an inch thick.
- cut biscuits with a round biscuit cutter and place in a greased 8x8 pan; bake for 10-15 minutes or until golden brown.

slather on some buttah, baby and enjoy!

seriously.  you won't miss the white flour ones a single bit.  my picky two year old was stealing them off the kitchen counter this morning.

and that says a lot.

christmas gallery wall.

i love christmas.

everything about it.  this warm & cozy season just warms my nostalgia-loving-heart.

i really enjoy decorating for christmas.  our tree, anthro inspired mason jar snowglobes, my beloved nativity and lots of cranberries, candles and lit garland.  i also have collected a christmas village over the years, but am waiting to set that up until little hands won't be so threatening.

this year, i wanted to incorporate more pictures into my christmas decor.  i've been wanting to put out old christmas photos from years past for a while now... i want the girls to be able to look back at pictures of them as they grow up (hence the nostalgic-loving part).  and truthfully, we have some really great photos that i just couldn't wait to get out.  one in particular that is ellen-worthy (you know, the kind that ellen degeneres features on her show because they are that hysterical?)  just wait.

i didn't want to make new nail holes in my wall... and i really didn't want to have to rearrange all my existing decor, so here's the solution i came up with:

i took our existing gallery wall above our couch and just switched out photos.  the large picture in the center was one taken by a good friend of mine for our first family christmas card.  here's a closer look of the others:

i wanted a word on my wall, so this is what i came up with.  i used an oval frame and just traced a piece of cardboard to fit.  i glued a white sheet of paper to the cardboard and drew the word "peace" with a thin black sharpie.

i am a *huge* fan of norman rockwell.  especially his christmas and holiday themed stuff.  i just love the bright colors, the vintage-ness and the sentimentality of his prints.  they just make me feel happy.  i bought this old saturday evening post cover at an antique bookstore on the coast a few summers ago.  it's my fav.

i also found a big book of norman rockwell's christmas prints at the christmas tree shop a few weeks ago.  it was only seven bucks and i figured i could cut out some photos to use to decorate.  there was a large village scene that i used in several frames around the house (i loooove christmas village scenes!).  the photo above it was a shot of bella her first christmastime.  we were living in texas at the time and one of our favorite traditions was going to a small little town (grapevine, tx) to look at their lights and christmas displays.  this is one of my favorite photos of bella's little face lit up, looking at the lights.

this photo was also of bella's first christmas, in her fancy little christmas dress at the mall visiting santa.  i love, love, love this picture.

i didn't really have anything that fit this frame, so i lined it with tissue paper and cut a norman rockwell photo to place in the center.

and, finally... (drumroll please)... this is the ellen-worthy photo.

is it not?  bella and her cousin, jude, were not so thrilled with their visit to santa last year.  bella was screaming and jude sat wimpering as his finger went further and further up his nose.

doesn't get much better than that, folks.  seriously.  the best santa picture ever.

there is my christmas gallery wall!  i love it because it's full of memories.  can't wait to add some photos of miss emmy's first christmas next year!

happy christmas decorating!

one year.

this week, we reached the one year mark.

one year of life without my dad.  it's been the hardest year of my life, and by far the most sad.  i am a crier by nature... but this year my tears were taken to a level unknown even by me.

but god is faithful.

our hearts have been broken, dreams shattered, our family forever changed.  but god has been healing us, restoring us and redeeming us through his faithful and enduring lovingkindness.  our lives may change and crumble, but HE remains firm and steadfast through it all.

i wanted to re-post something i wrote in the days following my dad's death.  he left such a beautiful legacy that will live on through the years to come.

here is a glimpse of the amazing man that was my dad.
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last week we held services to pay tribute to my dad and to celebrate his life. it was amazing. wednesday night we held visiting hours, a time i was dreading... i just didn't know how i would emotionally be able to handle seeing people and hearing how much everyone was going to miss my father. as with everything else, god provided stamina (especially for me and my pregnant sister!) and grace. over three hundred people showed up that night to honor my father. some waited in line for almost two hours... others were turned away at the door due to the large crowd.

like i said, it was amazing.

old teachers, relatives, classmates, friends, fellow church goers and city business men weaved their way through that crowded room to tell my sister, mother and i just how much dad had impacted their lives. the proudest moment i had all night was when an older man came through the line. as he approached nick&i, he introduced himself "i was the janitor that used to clean your dad's old office. i've always missed him since he changed buildings." as he turned to walk away, i looked at nick and started to cry. you see, my dad changed office buildings a few years ago. and still, the man that used to be the janitor there had been touched enough by my dad to come that night to pay his respects.

one of my most proudest moments of my father was right then.

thursday morning was his memorial service. i like to refrain from calling it his "funeral". too depressing. dad would've hated that. all those who attended filled three rooms, one of them showing the service via satellite it was so crowded. together we laughed and cried... which was such an honest account of celebrating dad's life. joy of a blessed life, tinged with the sadness of losing a man too early.

gretchen and i each wrote a piece to honor dad, and our husbands somehow read them through tears of their own. here is what i wrote:

i'm not sure how to even begin trying to capture into words what my dad meant to me, or just how much i loved him. anyone who has spent any significant amount of time with me knows what a special relationship we had and how i respected and valued my father. the older i get, the more and more i realize what a rare and precious gift it is to have a father as wonderful as mine. although in recent days i've struggled with the fact that i was only able to be with him on this earth for thirty years, i thank jesus for blessing me with that season, no matter how short it seems.

my father made being our dad one of his biggest passions in life. i have such great memories of growing up with him… playing wiffle ball in the backyard, building snowmen and going sledding in the winter and shooting hoops in the driveway for many, many years. i can still remember the smell of his long, khaki colored business coat as we would run excitedly to the door and into his arms the minute he got home from work. he would tuck us into bed every single night, even into high school and spend time talking with us, praying for us and sharing things he thought were important. i remember him telling me “megan, life is all about relationships. always take time to invest in others.” this truth he not only imparted to me and my sister, but he made it his way of life. there have been countless people who have told us in the last week “i’m not sure what i’m going to do without gary. he was my rock.” and as my heart aches and tears fall down my face, i think to myself “i know exactly what you mean.” whenever i was upset or had a bad day, i would always feel better after talking with my dad. as i grew into adulthood, there were many a tearful phone call home to him; the constant person in my life i could always talk to and receive wisdom, comfort and encouragement. he would always say to me “it’s all going to work out.” and as i find myself at a loss of how to live the rest of my life without him, i can hear him telling me
these words and somehow it makes it a little bit easier.

most of all what i will always remember about my sweet dad was his faith in jesus. i can still hear his booming, bass voice singing strongly and steadily beside me at church… words of the old hymns that were the anchor of his faith. i remember waking up sometimes in the night to see the shadow of my dad in the doorway, and i knew he was reciting scripture over me, or silently praying. i wouldn’t be able to begin to count the times i saw my dad, kneeling beside his bed in prayer and what inner strength and peace that gave me… he made me always feel safe because i knew he was always talking to the lord, always seeking him in everything. as i grew older, he would tell me that he had been praying for my future husband from the time i was a baby. he poured so much time into prayer over the man i was going to marry and he just glowed with satisfaction at what he saw his prayers accomplish when he met nick. dad has left a tremendous legacy in me, in nick and i and our marriage, in our daughter bella and our baby on the way. though he never got to meet our new little one coming in april, his story will be woven into the threads of our family for years and years to come.

in his last day, we had many sweet moments with my dad. it was unimaginable to me to watch his disease take so much life and vibrancy away from him. someone who used to be so strong, who used to get everyone else through the tough times, who had the biggest hugs and the loudest laugh. god gave us all so much grace as we watched him take our father home. one of my most precious memories was the evidence of his heart for the lord right up until the very end. despite all that he had endured for the past seven years, despite everything that had been taken away from him, he never lost his deep, deep faith in his savior. with gretchen on one side of his hospital bed, and me on the other, we began to hear my fathers voice in a weak shout of words, a joyful smile lit up his face. as i strained into hear what he was saying, i could hear the song “oh how i love jesus, oh how i love jesus, oh how i love jesus because he first loved me.” followed by this line from one of his favorite hymns “his eye is on the sparrow” he sang: “i sing because I’m happy, i sing because i’m free…”

how much peace and joy that memory gives to me. dad’s unending love for jesus was there until the very end, and now he is with him face to face, for all eternity. i know that if his story would move anyone to come to know jesus as their lord and savior, dad would’ve willingly given up his life. that’s how much he loved his lord… that’s how much he loved others.

i love you, dad. i know that “it’s all going to work out.” and i trust that i will be with you again
someday soon… in the blink of an eye. though you will be missed, you will never be forgotten. my life is forever changed because you were my father.

thank you, i love you,
meg

tomorrow nick&i go for our twenty week sonogram to find out if baby #2 is a boy or a girl. dad couldn't wait for this news... he told me the day he passed away how excited he was to find out. i know he'll be rejoicing with us, but it still is hard to know he won't be here... i won't see his face light up with excitement, eyes widen as he lets out an exuberant "yessss!" over hearing the gender of his fourth grandbaby. but i know he'll be doing some fist pumps from heaven, that is for sure :)

i can't think of a better tribute to my father than seeing hundreds of people cry and rejoice over his passing from this earth, onto his heavenly home. i'm such a proud, proud daughter. i always knew my father was loved and respected... seeing the lives impacted by my father was so very moving for me. and somehow it eased a bit of the weight of the grief i've been feeling. although he only lived fifty two years, he touched more lives in his short time on earth than many touch in a lifetime.

and that's what dad thought was the most important.

my dad wasn't esteemed by others exclusively because of his success, his popularity, his earthly accomplishments... he was esteemed by others because he was all about people. he lived his life in a way that the janitor from his old office building several years ago would wait in line for two hours to offer his condolences to my dad's family.

and that is what makes my father so amazing. and nothing--not even death--can ever take that away.

free thanksgiving printables.

i have totally dropped the ball on fall decorating this year.

blahhhhh.

really.  this year my fall decorations consist of: a bowl of apples on the kitchen table.  a chicken wire basket full of tiny pumpkins on our buffet in the entryway.  a mum on our front step.  even the pumpkin i had outside got utterly destroyed by some furry fellow.  total fail.

i fully admit my lack of fall-spirit is because this fall has been tough.  too many memories.  tomorrow is the year anniversary of my dad's passing, so nick&i decided to spend the day putting up our christmas decorations.  yep.  the day before thanksgiving.

whatever works, right?

i'm hoping as the years go by, i can begin to embrace fall and thanksgiving a bit more.  i certainly know that dad would want me to.  he'd totally be scolding me for trying to bypass this season... i can hear him now; he never wanted us to be sad on his account.  "don't worry about me", he'd say.  that's my dad.

this year i'm actually hosting thanksgiving.  a decision my mom and sister made last week, so i haven't had much time to prepare.  i tend to be a little martha-stewart-wanna-be-ish when it comes to hosting holidays.  i've done thanksgiving a couple of times by myself, and i love going all out.  i'm wishing i had the time to do decorations and placecards and pretty centerpieces.

instead, we'll be eating thanksgiving dinner in a christmas wonderland on chinette plates with plastic silverware.

oh well.

i saw this offer on blogger this morning for these amazingly adorable free printables for thanksgiving.  i totally downloaded them so i can use them next year.  the print is my favorite because it's the verse i've claimed for this week and we've been memorizing with bella; psalm 107:1.

{source}

wanted to pass this cute deal on to yall in case you are more with-it than me and have the time (and energy!) to use them to decorate your house for thanksgiving ;)

enjoy!

when giving thanks is hard.

{source}

this fall, a constant thought has been plaguing my brain: "one year ago".  one year ago, we ate our last dinner with my dad in boston's north end.  he was so happy.  one year ago, he was admitted to mass general for what we thought would be just a few hours.  he ended up not ever leaving.  one year ago, bampy held bella on his hospital bed one last time.  one year ago, we watched jesus take my precious dad home.

one year ago.

this week is especially hard.  i remember everything with such vividness.  our first anniversary of his passing.  last year at this time, nick, bella and i were on a plane headed for dallas.  after good reports from several doctors, promises of a liver transplant right around the corner and the constant demands of my father, we decided to carry through with our plans to spend thanksgiving with nick's family in texas.  little did i know that the very next afternoon i would be right back on a plane again, headed to boston... racing to be with my father who had taken a sudden turn for the worse.

i never ever intended for this blog to be a grief-journal.  i have always prayed that god would use whatever story he writes for me, but i never would've wanted this story.  however, since the god of the universe holds the pen and knows a far bigger plan than my finite mind can comprehend, i figure i might as well share my journey as it just may minister to another griever's heart.

you all, my lovely readers, have been so sweet to encourage my efforts to be genuine and honest.  i so appreciate your kind emails and notes.  i really don't see being authentic as an option.  as a christian--or as a human--i see it as a necessity to make it through this life together.  there's no sense in pretending we have it all together.  no one does.

and there's such freedom in realizing that.

friends have been asking me how i'm doing.  to be honest, some days i don't really know.  one minute, i'm okay.  the next minute i'm yelling at bella and getting worked up over a toy-scattered house, or the sink being full of dishes.  grief has a way of mixing in to all of our emotions and displaying itself in ways we are completely unprepared for.

so as i brace myself for this week, i'm fully admitting that the irony of dad's passing being on thanksgiving makes the whole "giving thanks" thing infinitely difficult.  i know there is always so much to be thankful for and i am certainly blessed.

but i'm not going to pretend that it's easy.

gratitude is a discipline of the heart and the mind.  some days it comes easier than others.  but i believe a truly gracious heart is born on the days where being thankful is difficult.

we've started scripture memory with bella and her verse for the next couple of weeks i picked especially for this time.  when i recite it with her, i'm focusing my heart and mind on it's truth: "give thanks to the lord, for he is good; his love endures forever" psalm 107:1.

i ADORE this quote by ann voskamp in her book, a thousand gifts:

"i have lived pain and my life can tell; i only deepen the wound of the world when i neglect to give thanks for the early light dappled through leaves and heavy perfume of wild roses in early july and the song of crickets on humid nights and the rivers that run and the stars that rise and the rain that falls and all the good things that a good god gives."

giving thanks.  noticing the small things.  keeping up with my gratitude list.  even when it's HARD and my soul feels empty and full of grief.

543.  the early morning frost framing our windows.

544.  norman rockwell christmas prints.  nostalgic simplicity.

545.  homemade pizza.

546.  the quiet of sleeping girls, warm and cozy in their beds.

547.  piles of laundry, warm and clean.

548.  bella's little voice "mama, i am soooo happy."

549.  emmy all bundled up.

550.  nick's saturday morning breakfasts.  the warmth of our home and the smells of bacon sizzling and coffee brewing.

551.  home church.

thanks for walking with me on this journey.  maybe you haven't lost someone, maybe you have.  maybe it's not grief you're struggling with today, but something else.  whatever it may be, i pray that we can all be cultivating gracious hearts. even when it's hard.

god is good ALL THE TIME.  all the time, GOD IS GOOD.

what's for breakfast this morning {clean-eating pumpkin spice granola}.

i love eating healthy... but i especially love when eating healthy tastes good.  kinda important in my book.  i don't think you should have to sacrifice deliciousness just to take better care of your body.  i posted my homemade clean-eating granola recipe a while back, but here is a fall-inspired variation.

yep, that's right.  pumpkin spice granola, for all you pumpkin-lovers out there.  this recipe isn't super sweet like traditional granola, but that's partly what makes it healthy; it's not loaded with sugar.  i use some canned pumpkin, pumpkin spice for the fall-ish punch, and maple syrup for the sweetness.

it's really yummy, and it makes your house smell like pure awesomeness.

bonus.

clean-eating pumpkin spice granola

* 3 c. old fashioned oats
* 1/2 c. raw almonds, chopped
* 1/2 c. raw walnuts, chopped
* 1/4 c. pumpkin seeds
* 1/4 c. ground flaxseed
* 1/2 c. pumpkin puree
* 1/4 c. unsweetened applesauce
* 1/4 c. maple syrup
* 1 T. (less if you want) pumpkin pie spice
* 1 t. vanilla

- combine dry ingredients in a large bowl.  whisk together wet ingredients and combine.
- pour evenly onto a large cookie sheet lined with parchment paper and bake at 325 degrees for about 45 minutes, stirring every so often with a spatula so it won't burn.

voila.  it's like healthified pumpkin pie in a bowl.
you're welcome.