my baby turns three.

three years ago, i was settled in my bed at the hospital, body sore and tired, heart brimming over with love for the new little bundle i held in my arms.  i didn't think it was possible for me to adore another tiny person as much as i did her big sister, but it's true what everyone says: your heart just grows.

squinty eyes and spiky black hair, sweet little lips and that precious baby smell.  in that dimly lit hospital room, my heart was stolen again, three years ago.

it's a bit of a sad day when your baby turns three.  maybe it's because she is my baby, but she still seems so little.  it could be because she still has those dimpled hands and chubby wrists.  or because she says things like "sweet-hawt" and "ovoh-da-oh" (over there).  or because she has the cutest giggle that is almost contagious.  i asked her if she would still be my baby, even though she's three.  and she said yes.  so i'm holding her to that.

emmy faith, you are my sweet little sunshine.  you entered the world and immediately brought light and happiness with you.  you have the sweetest heart and a feisty little soul, which makes me know that you won't ever have a hard time standing up for yourself, which is a good thing, my love.  watch out, world.  you have an uncanny sense of humor and are always making us laugh.  you have a way of finding the funny in every situation, and i love that about you.  you think to say "thank you" for the seemingly small things, which makes me so proud.  and you look out for others... whether it's younger kids, babies, or even your big sister, or your baby dolls... you are a nurturer.  i often call you "bossy flossy" because you have no problem telling others what to do, and you are our "little mama" because you love caring for others.  i just adore your personality.

as you grow through the years, i want to remember you just how you are right now.  as the sweet little three year old snuggled up in bed sleeping as i write this.  in my mind, i see you, cuddled with your bunny, which is never too far away.  you're sucking on your little thumb as your eyelashes fan out ontop of your chubby little cheeks.  i want to remember how you insist on wearing dresses every day, and when i laid out an outfit for you to wear to church this morning you refused saying "but it's not puuuh-teft!" (perfect).  i want to remember how you sing yourself to sleep every night, and wake us up every morning with your chatter to your dolls, or songs to whoever will listen.  how you immediately start praying at the dinner table every night--unprompted--and always include requests for your bunny and your dollies.  how you reach for my hand and say "mama, i wuv you."  i want to remember how you run for your daddy when he comes in the door after a day at work.  and how you dance to every song you hear.  how i catch you standing with your hands in your pockets while you're waiting, with a  casualness that resembles a teenager.  the sound of your footsteps scampering down the hallway first thing in the morning.  your warm cheeks pressed against mine after you've woken up from your nap.

today we celebrated you "sofia the first" style, your favorite.  you were so excited.  you came running into mama and daddy's room first thing this morning and shouted "it's time for my PARTY!!!"  and you told all of the helpers in the church nursery this morning that it was YOUR birthday.  here is a glimpse of your day.  i hope i always remember these moments.

m&m pancakes for breakfast, made by daddy

i love watching you blow out your candles... you make the "f" sound and it takes you a few tries ;)

sofia the first party!  

cupcakes

baby cupcakes

some of your favorite friends

decorations

birthday girl; you were SO excited

presents

birthday cupcake!

blowing out your candle

best buds

jude and bel

cake & ice cream

anna dress!

love you, sweet girl

i love you, my sweet girl and had so much fun celebrating you today.  you are such a gift to daddy & me.  your sister's best friend.  our little sunshine.

we love you to the moon and back (and back and back),
mama

resurrection rolls.

i've seen these rolls all over the internet these days, and i'm always looking for new traditions to do with the girls.  plus, when you're trying to explain the resurrection to little ones, visuals help.  and besides, they're just really delish!  the perfect accompaniment to quiche for our easter breakfast.  buttery, slightly sweet and gooey... how can you go wrong, especially if you can tie that in with jesus?!  all good things, all good things.

here's how we made them.

resurrection rolls

* 1 can Pillsbury crescent rolls
* Large marshmallows
* melted butter (about 3 T.)
* cinnamon (about 2 T... can you tell I didn't really measure anything??)

- preheat oven to 350.
- take a triangle of crescent roll dough and roll it out a bit.
- roll a marshmallow in butter, then in cinnamon.
- place marshmallow at the biggest part of the triangle, tuck sides in and roll, pinching seams together.
- place in a muffin tin (the pampered chef stone one is best...just sayin).  repeat with remaining 7 triangles.
- brush tops with butter and sprinkle with cinnamon.  bake for 12-15 minutes until golden brown.

some will probably have marshmallow that oozes out... it's not a big deal, really.  it just adds to the ooey  gooey goodness.  allow them to cool before lifting them from the pan.

my plan was to have the girls help me do this, but they were a bit distracted with coloring goods they got in their easter baskets.  so, instead, i had them come watch me assemble one (this was still a bit of a stretch because we got really hung up on the marshmallows and upset that we couldn't have one... when i say "we", i mean two little girls i know).  i told them that the marshmallow was jesus's body after he had died on the cross.  before he was buried, his body was anointed with oil (dipped into the butter), and then prepared with burial spices (dipped into the cinnamon).  then, he was buried in the tomb (wrapped in the crescent dough).  it held their attention long enough for them to be fascinated for the assembly of one roll, and then they went on their merry way.

when it was time to serve the rolls, i reminded the girls of how jesus was "buried", and when they broke them in half it was hollow inside.  emmy yelled out "he's GONE!!!  but where did he go?!" so we talked about that, in as much as a two year old can understand... but bella thought it was really cool.  and they both thought they were as delicious as they were fascinating.

these will definitely be an easter tradition for us!

the best good friday.

it has been a week.

you know, the kind that everyone says you will laugh about someday when you look back?  by the way, i'll be interested to see if that's true...when our family gets sick, we get sick.  and usually, we get sick together.  we go big or go home, people.  and it's not fun.  i'll spare you all the details, but let's just say mama was home in bed all week with the flu, and bella soon followed suit.

i am not a good patient.  every time i get sick, i cry.  i feel like i miss out on life.  i miss my kids.  i get bored.  and i have a hard time not working (at school and home) and trusting that the world will be able to go on without me.  it's a problem, really.  i'm trying to work on it.

this week i felt especially sad being confined to my bedroom for a few days.  holy week is such a special time for me, as a mom, creating memories and traditions with my girls and teaching them about Jesus.  and i missed it.  almost all of it.  and there were tears.

and even so, god was gently reminding my heart that stillness is always good--even if it's forced.  even when we don't want to be still.  there is so much to be found in it.  so much that our souls need.  i tend to be a do-er type, so this is always something god is bringing to my attention.

be still.  no expectations, no doing.  just be.

friday morning after another bout of sickness for my sweet bel, i sat with the girls on the couch cuddled up in blankets and we watched some movies about the easter story.  we talked about what the day--Good Friday--meant, and why it's so important to us.  and that afternoon, as i was putting bella to bed, god reminded me just how important these times of stillness are.  sweet conversation.  times of singing old hymns and tickling their backs and prayers lifted up and all the simple, precious moments of just be-ing.

snuggled up in her bed, with her covers up to her ears, i talked to my bella about how special she is because of jesus' love for her.  she lifted her face to me, eyes dancing and said in her sweet, soft voice: "he has forgiven us of all of the bad sins we've ever done.  he loves us so much and he will never leave us."  tears began spilling down my cheeks.  you know, those "mom" moments where you think surely this moment is what its ALL about.  all the hard, make-you-want-to-pull-your-hair out days lead up to this one moment in time... and it's suddenly MORE than worth it. and that maybe, just maybe, even in spite of all of your weaknesses and flaws they are still learning something good?

we've had this conversation many times before, and i think bella has probably prayed "the sinners prayer" at least ten times... but i just knew she didn't really understand it.  until now.  she continued to tell me what happened when jesus died on the cross and what it means for her.  and when i asked her if she wanted to pray and ask jesus to forgive her and come into her heart she nodded emphatically.  "mama, can you help me?" she asked, and then dove right in, praying a prayer that let me know she knew exactly what she was praying.  "is that a tear?" she asked, pointing to my cheek when she was finished praying.  "yes it is, honey... happy tears.  do you know that the bible says that all the angels in heaven are rejoicing right now?  and i think your bampy is throwing one great big party!"  her eyes got big.  "yeah, i bet he has donuts!"

so today, everyone is feeling better.  we were able to go on an easter egg hunt.  we baked our traditional resurrection cake.  easter baskets are ready for tomorrow morning.  but nothing can ever begin to come close to the gift of those moments of stillness with my sweet girl.  it was the best good friday ever.

thank you, jesus.

it's halloween, and there's no place like home.

don't judge me when i tell you that i started buying the girls halloween costumes last year.

i never liked halloween until i had children, and i absolutely love dressing them up.  i know i'm rapidly approaching the point in time where i will no longer be able to pick out their costumes for them, so until then i have fun doing so :)

i knew this year they'd be old enough to wear coordinating halloween costumes, and i decided it would be way too cute to have them dress up like glinda the good witch, and dorothy from the "wizard of oz".  bella's obsession with pink and sparkles and all things princess, and emmy's happiness to be dressed in anything that even partially resembles a dress, were both satisfied in these costume choices so all was well with the world.

and just look at the cuteness.

we actually started off halloween a week early, attending a "trunk or treat" at our church.  the girls had a blast and came home with a TON of candy, which daddy and mama may have put away in a secret stash for long after they were asleep...

halloween night, we did our usual: headed to meme's work, a local television station, and then to aunt holly's for more treats, welcoming trick or treaters at her house, and cheeseburger soup for dinner.  we picked up a batman and elsa somewhere along the way...

i love holidays with my little girls.  and yes, i'm already trying to think about next year's costumes.  but it just may be the year they decide for themselves.  i'm guessing we'll have two princesses.  and maybe something to do with the word frozen...

homemade eczema butter.

my oldest daughter has struggled with eczema since just before her first birthday.  it first showed up around her ankles; dry, red patches of skin.  and then, around the time she was a year and a half it got really, really bad.  i remember sitting at the computer, frantically researching cures as tears streamed down my face.  nothing seemed to help and the thought of steroid prescription creams on my little baby made me incredibly fearful.

one day, we took her to the doctor because she had scratched herself until she was bleeding.  it was absolutely heartbreaking.  her little eyes had red circles around them, and i hated how everyone stared at her, wondering what was wrong. i pleaded with the doctor in tears, telling her i couldn't keep watching my little girl suffer like this.  we were referred to a wonderful pediatric dermatologist and began to learn about how to manage her eczema flares and help keep her skin under control.

thankfully, we have learned several different ways to help our itchy girl.  robathol oil in her bath water... sometimes, when her skin is really bad, even some bleach (i know, totally freaked me out too... turns out, a quarter of a cup in a bathtub contains less bleach than they would get in a swimming pool and it really really works and helps protect against infection).  wet wraps at night, which means warmed, wet pj's with dry ones ontop to lock in moisture for her skin.  and a stringent post-bath routine of applying steroid cream and vaseline to her problem spots.  i still hate using steroid cream and petroleum jelly, but when her skin is flaring, it's the only thing that will work consistently and quickly to give her relief.  so we still do it at times.  when the eczema is worst.  and i remind myself that life is all about balance.

we've cut out a ton of processed foods, put her on all natural, organic vitamins, gotten her tested for food allergies and celiac disease and only use free and clear laundry detergent and body wash.  we've also learned her patterns; for some reason, every fall is her worst season. her skin tends to flare when she's eating junk; vacations and holidays are the hardest.  too much sugar, processed crackers and bread, things that trigger her seasonal allergies cause her eczema to flare.

every end of summer, beginning of fall i struggle.  i fight back tears as she itches endlessly and cries that her skin hurts.  i worry about her friends at school wondering what is wrong with her scratchy and sometimes scabbed skin.  i feel like i'm failing as a mom because she's in pain.  i pray endlessly that she will be one of the ones that outgrow it.

my sister has gotten me into essential oils.  she is obsessed, i mean we're talking homemade dishwasher detergent, shampoo and deoderant.  i'm not as motivated, so i lean on her to give me recipes and inspire me.  but i have been amazed at the difference my dabbling in essential oils has made.  i used to have allergy induced migraines close to once a month.  they would completely knock me out and force me to my bed to lie in the dark, with a pillow over my face.  horrible.  in june, i started using essential oils and i haven't had a migraine since.  life changing, people.  seriously!  i'm so grateful.  so... i began researching essential oils for my daughter's eczema.  and today... i made homemade eczema butter!  i followed this recipe but tweaked it a bit.  and doubled the recipe so i have a nice, big batch in a couple of jars for my girl.  excited to give it a try, and hopeful that it will work!

homemade eczema butter

* 1/4 c. coconut oil

* 1/4 c. shea butter

* 10 drops of lavender essential oils

* 5-10 drops of cedarwood essential oils

* 5 drops of melaluca essential oils

- using a stand mixer with paddle attachment, whip together coconut oil and shea butter until smooth.  

- add oils and blend.  store in a jar with a tight lid.

- use immediately after a bath or shower, and as needed.

note: i buy my coconut oil at sam's.  it comes in a HUGE container and is organic and unrefined.  i bought my shea butter at a local healthfood store, but i think in the future i'll purchase from amazon.  my essential oils i get from my doterra obsessed sister :)

hoping this homemade blend will be helpful for my sweet girl's itchiness.  if you have any eczema tips for your little ones, i'd love to hear them!  

mamas of itchy children unite.

fall happenings.

fall is one of my absolute favorite times of the year.

and pretty much nothing beats fall in new england.  the brilliance of the trees and chill in the air fill my heart with coziness.  and i eagerly anticipate what autumn ushers in; the holiday season and all it's glory.

yes, i love this time of year.

some of our favorite family traditions every fall are going to pick apples, and a visit to treworgy orchards.  with nick coaching football in the fall, we have to be strategic about fitting in family time and these are two days i look forward to every year.

this year, nick was sick for our apple picking trip.  we were pretty disappointed.  we go every year with my mom and sister and brother in law.  the kids run endlessly through the trees and eat as many apples as they can get their hands on.  i spend my time picking, but mostly snapping photos...because who can resist a picture of cute kids in an apple orchard?  i know i can't.  and i have a million of them.  i decided rather than staying cooped upat home with the kids and wallow in my disappointment over our altered apple-picking-day, the girls and i would still go and let nick sleep off his flu.  wasn't the same without him, but we still had fun.  the trees were drooping with beautiful, bright red beauties and i easily filled up a bag within minutes, while still getting plenty of chances to take some pics.  the girls and i always have fun using up our apple supply to make applesauce, crisp, pies and muffins.  any chance they get to help me in the kitchen, they love, so we really enjoy our cozy fall days at home after a trip to the orchard.

already looking forward to next year!

we met my sister and brother in law and their family again at treworgy's a few weeks later.  we love going there throughout the year, but fall is our favorite.  and the girls were giddy to have their cousins join us.  we took a hayride through the grounds, which is the girls favorite part.  they giggled the whole way as we sat on bales of hay and bumped along through the fields.  my girls love feeding the animals and were excited to show jude and lucy how to fill their hands with food and let the goats nibble it right out of their little palms.  my germ conscious niece and nephew were less enthused :)  the highlight of our trip to treworgy's every year is an ice cream cone.  while the kids sat lapping their cones, us adults warmed our hands around steaming cups of hot cider.  we browsed through the pumpkins and the kids climbed on an old vintage tractor and it was time to head home to corn chowder and biscuits and more cousin play.  love watching these little ones grow up together.

my heart aches a little as i type these memories, for i know all too soon i'll realize that these days are gone.  their squeals of excitement as they chase each other through the apple trees, or their giggles as they hold hands and ride along on the tractor filled with hay... these days are exhausting but the memories are so cherished.

i never want to forget.  thank you, jesus, for these precious days.

imperfect.

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i feel as though i've had writer's block for the last several months.

this blog has been such a wonderful place for me.  a blank page to document who i am and (hopefully) how i'm growing.  a little corner of the world that is mine.  where i can freeze time just where it is each day i pause to write.  where i can journal my little family and bottle up my girl's childhood.  share a recipe or two, and some decorating projects in our home.  a collection of my most favorite things.

i've always expressed myself best through writing.  when i was little, i constantly had notebooks going all over the house; their pages filled with stories scribbled from my ever vivid imagination.  in fourth grade my teacher told me i should be an author when i grew up.  i told her if i ever was, i would dedicate my first book to her.  in my adult years, writing has been my best outlet; a way of helping me grow and process.  it's been through penned pages of my endless source of journals, and now through the clatter of computer keys, that i have felt closest to the lord.  i've poured out my heart, written out my prayers, journaled my deepest fears and greatest joys.  i've recounted beautiful and tragic moments of my life, and i've found a way to share my story.  it's nothing special; but it's the journey god's given me, and i've always felt that by sharing it, god just may use my words to tell someone else "i've been there".

sure, god uses our seasons of plenty to encourage and bless others... but i believe it's through the authentic and raw exposing of our struggles that our stories breathe life into those around us.  we all need to know we are not alone.  we don't have it all together.  and that we can be beautiful, worthy, and enough in the grace of jesus... even in all the imperfection.

i've always been a perfectionist.  to the core.  in my work, my home, my appearance... it's a draining thing, really.  i don't recommend it to anyone.  truth be told, motherhood has kind of wrecked me; but in a very good and humbling way.  i spend way more days in yoga pants than i do in nice clothes.  and it's a good day if i get to run a chi through my bangs, forget about washing and blowdrying my hair.  my house--well--let's just say my kids are slowly destroying everything, my couches are dotted with water stains from leaky sippy cups and don't even get me started on trying to organize their craft supply... or any of their toys, for that matter.  and wanting everyone to think i'm a top notch mom?  well, i'm humbled continuously because of my girls amazing abilities to throw the most epic tantrums of all time.  other moms relate?  yeah.  why i care about what the staring strangers in public places think about my mothering ability is beyond me, but i still struggle with that one.  i told you.  motherhood is a complete perfectionism wrecker.  for that, i am thankful (most of the time).

somewhere in my teenaged years, i got the message that there was a pedestal i was on, and i needed to do everything i could to stay there.  i began decades of a works based relationship with jesus, where i was the good girl, made all the "right" decisions on the big stuff... went to a christian college, got my masters degree from a world renowned seminary and fell in love with a wonderful man and did everything the "right" way.  after i graduated from seminary, i started a full time ministry job as a counselor at a church in dallas and me and that wonderful man started talking about marriage and making sure that was the next step that god wanted us to take.  i got myself so wound up trying to make sure my life choices were pleasing to god, that because of that and other reasons i ended up ridden with anxiety.  like, major anxiety.

one morning, i sat on my bed with the bible open in my lap praying for god to show me something in his word that would calm my striving heart.  immediately, he directed me to ephesians chapter 3... one of my favorite verses was always ephesians 3:20 "now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to his power that is at work within us..." but this time god was whispering to me to read the earlier verses...a prayer the apostle paul had written to the ephesians:

"i pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  and i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ; and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of god."

ephesians 3:16-19

that morning, god's unconditional love brought me to my knees.  my perfectionism (also read: pride) had completely broken me.  for the past several years since, i've been on a journey of admitting my flaws, accepting my shortcomings and allowing god to love me regardless of my "performance".  

this november will mark three years since i lost my dad and encountered one of the toughest spiritual battles of my life.  so much of what i always knew about god, and had experienced in my intimate walk with him was broken in the traumatic way i lost my dad.  i'm not always sure about how to get that same relationship back... or if i ever will.  and that girl who wants to do everything right and perfect has been resurfacing a lot over the past few years.  accepting the fact that i can struggle, that i can be angry with god, that i can allow myself to grieve and be broken has been a very hard thing for me.  give thanks and praise god for being the one who gives and takes away?  absolutely.  but i have to daily tell myself that it's okay to not have that attitude all the time.  it's impossible, actually.  and that's where jesus comes in.  he is there to fill in the cracked places in my soul.  to hold me when i'm hurting.  to love me when i'm angry.  to gently whisper his promises to me when i want to hold onto everything in my life and not trust him with anything for fear of another loss.  

as our women's pastor at church so gently reminded me as i sat across from her sobbing a couple of months ago: there is nothing i can do that would make god love me any more or any less.  i can come just as i am; broken and hurt and scared... and trust him to do what he does best.  LOVE.

i'm not at all where i wish i was in my healing process, or where i want to be in my walk with god.  it's still difficult at times for me to open my bible.  my mind often races too much to pray as fervently and consistently as i used to.  and i think i could still cry almost every sunday at church during worship.   but god's word tells me that my brokenness is beautiful to him.  it's better than any striving, than any prideful perfectionism, and i'm learning to find the beauty in that myself.

"my deepest awareness of myself is that i am deeply loved by jesus christ and i have done nothing to earn it or deserve it."

-brennan manning