being held.

{source}

something has seemed "off" in my spirit the past couple of days.  i have felt heavy, discouraged.  it's as if i've been trying to make it through the day with my normal stride and positive manner but something seems broken.

i'm not a very patient person by nature.  then i had children, and found myself smack dab in the middle of a lesson with the lord on patience.  yikes.  god has grown me and i consider myself pretty patient with my children on many occasions... but whining and tantrums are two things i do not do well with.  we've been getting back into our routine since returning from a two week jaunt to texas, and the first couple of days back were bliss.  literally.  i remember telling nick after we put the girls to bed "they were almost perfect today.  really."

and now i'm kicking myself for saying those words.

and it's not just them.  it's also me.  i've had a short fuse.  i've been grumpy and crabby and i've just been in a pretty bad mood.  nick kept asking me what was wrong and i just couldn't give him an answer.  i didn't even know.  until i paused, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks (or in this case, tears).  which is usually how grief works.  we don't even know that pesky shadow is following us and about to swallow us whole...until it almost does.

i miss my dad almost every minute of every day.  but there are times the waves of grief are about to completely take me under.

the summer we moved back to maine was both wonderful and difficult all wrapped into one.  dad's health was rapidly declining and i could see the disease he had slowly stealing him away from me.  it made me sick to my stomach.  kept me up at night.  but those long summer days also gifted us some precious times.  watching my parents play with bella.  family dinners out on the deck.  sandwiches from frank's bakery for just dad and me at lunch, where he told me he just wanted to "sit and talk."  ordering pizza in on a rainy night.  watching dad and nick bond over good conversation and watching sports on tv.  sharing the news that we were expecting again...

yes.  summer is hard.  they make me look back to two years ago, when we had just moved here.  we were wide eyed with dreams for what life would be like, only to find them burst a few months later.  

i miss the good moments of the last summer my family shared together.

grief can make me irritable.  i can lash out in anger at the ones i love most.  instead of extending grace and holding crying little ones close, i stomp off in annoyance.  instead of depending on god, i shield myself from him... surely he can't help me.  grief threatens to steal the moments of joy and LIFE because i'm plagued with thinking about the ones i've lost.  almost two years later and i'm still trying to process.  life lived with keeping house, working part time and caring for two little ones doesn't lend itself easily to grieving.  but i'm finding moments here and there.  and tonight was one.

after a couple of hard days where i was not at my finest, i needed god to hold me.  broken, ugly, crabby and all.  nick had gone to a concert with my brother-in-law and i had just put the girls to bed.  it was a cool night tonight and i made myself a cup of tea and settled in a rocking chair on the front porch, just as the last of the day's sun was a faded gold in the sky.  as i silently prayed and searched my heart, i could hear emmy's cries through the screen door.  i ignored them at first, and as i prayed, i felt god softening my heart after a weekend's worth of hardness.

grace.  extend grace.  the same grace i was given all weekend by a husband who is patient in knowing his wife's hurt.  by sweet friends who listened to my cries for prayer and responded with a sea of love and encouragement.  by a god who holds me and doesn't ever let me go.

i ran inside to lift emmy from her crib.  brushing her tears, i wrapped her quilt up around her shoulders and carried her out to the front porch with me.  bathed in a pool of moonlight, we rocked.  her head resting on my chest, her hair tickling my nose as i kissed the top of her head.  as i hummed and sang words of old hymns, she gazed at me, eyes big and sparkling.  she smiled and clapped her hands.  my soul began to settle.

this was exactly what i needed.

as we pause and pray, we find peace and joy.  moments like these, they are the balm that sooth our hearts.  thank you, god for these gifts.

these babies will be leaving me all too quickly.  they will be grown and gone and i don't want to have regret when i look back at these fragile years.  will i be perfect?  no.  always patient?  never cross?  no.  absolutely not.  i will always fail.  but it's what happens after the failing that makes all the difference.

and in the moments that i find myself lashing out, stressed and broken... i can rest in a savior who loves me desperately.

"he has chosen not to heal me, but to hold me.  the more intense the pain, the closer his embrace."

- joni eareckson tada

god did not chose to heal my dad... but he is holding me.  he is teaching me to be patient with myself and this road that i am on.  to be humble and admit my shortcomings.  to ask for help.  to pray and lean on him.

and to let myself be held.  

instafriday.

oh yes, it's ladies night

fro yo + friends

swimming with aunt ann

god bless texas

this is what happens after a day of playing with their cousins

bruschetta, family time & china plates

cousin breakfast

taking on the fountains at klyde warren park

watching the pigeons with papa

who says you can't have fun in the rain?

fun in the big d

the grass is always greener when it grows above the freeway

so long for now...

mornin'

life is a bowl of cherries

my little love bug

quiet morning

what happens when mama is tired of playing outside

dear emmy.

dear emmy,

you immediately turn my heart to mush and bring a smile to my face.  your squeezable thighs, wild curls, toothy smile and big hazel eyes are enough to make anyone love you to pieces.  and you have lots of fans.  you're very easy to love, my sweet girl.

we just got back from a two week vacation to texas!  you were such a good girl and went with the flow pretty well.  even when you got sick.  i had no idea anything was bothering you; we were actually on our way home from taking family pics when you threw up in the car.  you were as happy as a clam taking photos, laughing and making cute faces for the camera... i felt so bad that you were sick.  i got you home, cleaned you up and put you to bed.  you woke up around midnight and while daddy was holding you, you tossed your cookies again, this time all over him.  i worried about you all night.  the next morning you were burning up so nonnie and i took you to the doctor.  you had a temperature of 103 and with one look at your throat the dr declared you had tonsilitis.  i was so tired from the night before, and hated seeing you so sick that i cried in his office.  he asked me if you were my first child; i said no, but i was having a hard time knowing you felt so bad.  you absolutely hated your antibiotic and daddy and i had to wrestle you to the floor to take it.  you feel asleep in my arms, which told me how sick you felt (you never do that!).  after a juice and popsicle diet you were back to your smiley, bubbly self.  i really do not like seeing you sick!!!!

you are a little social butterfly, just like your sister.  our friends all got to be a part of bella's first year of life, so seeing you throw fits in your crib and prolong bedtime because you wanted to hang out with everyone was a very familiar scene!  in typical emmy-style, you made everyone laugh.  every day we heard how cute you were and what a sweet, silly girl we had.  it was so fun to show you off to our family and friends; you are always loved and admired by everyone.

you are not a fan of airplanes.  i think fifteen months is the worst age to fly.  i remember your sister struggling then too.  you do not like to sit still for too long, and you have a really hard time falling asleep when being held.  it was a bit tricky, but all in all you were a trooper!

you are pretty much running now.  it's hilarious.  you love going as fast as you can to keep up with everyone else, but you're still a little bit unsteady.  papa said you walk like you are three sheets to the wind :)  he is right!

i've been trying to work with you on knowing body parts: your nose, eyes, tongue, teeth and hair.  but your favorite is your tongue... i'll say "emmy, where's your tongue?" and you'll say "blahhhhh" and stick your tongue wayyyy out.  it's adorable.  you love doing silly things with your eyes, too... you squint, blink and do all sorts of great expressions with your eyes.  hmmm... i wonder where you get that... ;)

you've been in to throwing things lately, too.  while waiting at the airport to board our plane, we set up the laptop with a movie, and got you and bella mcdonalds.  i was looking the other way and got pelted by a chicken nugget.  i turned to see you staring at me... you were a good distance from me, too.  you have an arm, girl.  you also love the song "if all of the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops..." a few days ago, it was rainy and bella was singing that over and over in the car.  you just kept sticking your tongue out and saying "ahhh ahhh ahhh".  so cute.  you also love "itsy bitsy" and doing the motions as bella sings it.  "jesus loves me" is a fav, too.

you're not saying too many words, and you are SO not into performing.  if i ask you to say something infront of other people, it's just not going to happen.  you say mama, dada, more, cracker, papa... but your all time favorite is bella or "bewwa" as you say it.  you love saying her name so much that lately our conversations go like this...
me:  "emmy, can you say dada?"
you:  "BEWWA!!!"
me: "emmy, can you say mama?"
you: "BEWWA!!!"

you get the picture.  so funny.  bella continues to be your favorite person in the whole wide world.  she sings alot in the car, and whenever she finishes a song, you clap your hands, your eyes big and wide.  it's hilarious.  and so cute.

you also have a dramatic streak.  the other night you were throwing a fit, so daddy threw himself on the ground and started kicking and screaming to see what you would do.  it stopped you in your tracks for a few seconds, and then you laid yourself right out on the ground, face down, in the most dramatic fashion.  i'm still getting to know your personality because you seem to be more laid back and content than bella, but i still see lots of spunk and a bit of dramatics.  i seriously love your little personality.

i love you so much, my little pumpkin girl.  you are so incredibly loveable and squeezable in every way.  and you are so FUN.  i'm so thankful i get to be your mama.

love you to the moon and back (and back again),
mama

dear bella.

dear bella,

you are so full of life.  i love watching you.  you imagine without limits.  you laugh loudly and play wildly.  you love big.  you have such a sweet, kind and free spirit about you.  it's the biggest joy to be your mommy.

you have started calling me "mommy" rather than "mama".  i can't say that i mind it after you going through a phase of calling me "mom".  your little voice is the sweetest sound.  i love our conversations :)

we just got back late last night from a two week vacation to texas!  we had a blast.  you were such a good girl.  you loved spending time with all of our texas family, playing with your cousins, going swimming, hanging out with our friends (that you refer to as YOUR friends), going to church and exploring a few new playgrounds.  one of my greatest blessings in life is getting to watch you have fun.  i feel like you're getting older now, so you'll start remembering some of the things that we do.  building childhood memories for you is something i try my best to do every day. i remember telling bampy when i was a bit older that i had the best childhood.  he was so happy hearing that.  i want the same for you, my sweet pea.  i hope that you look back at your childhood with so much joy and happiness.

i love your confidence.  you carry yourself with such self assuredness that i hope never changes.  the minute you put on a necklace or a dress, you proudly march to everyone in the room and say "look at how beautiful i am!" i'm working with you on the fact that you are beautiful with or without jewelry or pretty clothes, but it's so sweet.  the other day i was changing emmy's diaper and you said "phew, mommy, emmy's really stinky!" i said "yes, she had a poopy diaper and it was pretty stinky, huh?" you replied "yes.  but i didn't!  i'm VERY beautiful!"  yesterday we flew from dallas to boston and you were pretty much perfect.  really.  you did so great!  after we landed, the plane had emptied and daddy and i were gathering all of our belongings.  you proudly marched out into the aisle and looked at a flight attendant standing near us and said "didn't i do such a great job flying on the plane?!"  i hope your confidence sticks around.  you've been talking so much lately about how jesus died for you, and how much he loves you.  my goal as your mommy, above all else, is to reinforce that truth always.  it will change the way you see yourself, the way you live in relationship to others, and the course of your entire life.

he must have the biggest smile on his face as he watches you twirl and dance and play, bella grace.  he loves you more than all the grains of sand on every seashore.  you are HIS.

you've been learning more and more about the bible lately, and have really taken to stories about jesus and what they mean to you.  we have a book that's almost like a devotional for children.  it takes certain verses and teaches you how to apply those principles to your life.  you LOVE reading it and talking to me about it as we flip through the pages.  we've discussed sharing, being kind to emmy and to your friends, being honest, being responsible and loving others.  i can see your heart really taking in the things that you are learning... you've started being a little afraid of the dark at bedtime.  we leave a night light on in your room for you, but we've also been telling you that you can pray when you are afraid.  now, almost every night, you'll talk about being scared and then you'll say "jesus will help me when i'm afraid of the dark."  so sweet.  you love going to church and your sunday school class!  we had a good laugh when you came back your first night of vacation bible school, after hearing the story of adam and eve.  you were so excited to tell daddy what you had learned: "jesus ate the apple and the people were so sad." :)  someone was talking the other day about their job, and you piped up "oh, i work at vacation bible school church!  i play with toys and do crafts and sing songs and learn about jesus."  i love seeing you enjoy those experiences, and most of all, watching you learn and grow.

you are getting so brave!  your new thing now is "okay, mommy... i'll twyyyyyy (try) it".  tonight at dinner you started dishing yourself up some salad.  you took a couple of bites and then decided it wasn't for you.  at least right now.  and that's okay.  you tried it!  and you've come a loooong way.  you've loved swimming this summer, ran through a sprinkler at nonnie and papa's house, and you started gymnastics a few weeks ago!  you really enjoy it and get so proud of yourself.  you listen so well to your teacher.  like i wrote about earlier, you went to your first vacation bible school about a month ago, and although you were a bit apprehensive about going, the minute i took you to your classroom, you were off and running.  you went in a bounce house and down a giant slip and slide!  you've tried a lot of different things lately, most of which you've really enjoyed.  it reminds me of how much you're growing up.  i'm so proud of you, my sweet girl, for trying new things and being so brave!

you've always been so polite and do so well with your pleases and thank you's.  lately, you oftentimes respond with "no thanks, i'm okay" when i ask you to do something you don't want to do.  it's really cute...but still doesn't get you out of obeying :)

you're such a sweet and considerate sister.  when we were in texas, emmy was pretty sick.  she would be fussy and you'd come over and cradle her head with your hands and whisper "it's okay, ems.  i'm right here" while you patted her hair or kissed her forehead.

we were bed buddies while we stayed at nonnie and papa's!  it's disastrous to have all four of us in one room, so daddy slept in one room with ems and i slept in one room with you.  i loved it.  one morning, i woke up before you and just laid there, watching you sleep.  all of a sudden, you barely opened your eyes and your face broke out into the hugest smile.  "good morning, mommy" you said, still eyes closed and not fully awake "did you have a good sleep?"

you are in a great stage right now, bel.  we still have our rough days, hard moments, and you definitely keep us on our toes, but you're mellowing out a bit and it seems as though you are in a less challenging stage (except for when you're tired and refusing to sleep at naptime!).  your sweet little personality continues to amaze me.  i'm just so grateful for your kind, tender heart and sensitive spirit.  it seems as though you're beyond your years at the tender age of three.  and i'm so glad you have spunk, girl.  always, always, always stay spunky :)

you are, and will always be, one of god's greatest gifts to me.  i'm having so much fun watching you grow and blossom into the most beautiful little girl, both inside and out.  i am just so proud you are my little girl.

love you to the moon and back (and back again),
mommy

instafriday.

a wedding with my love

just love these girls

so grateful for this church; it's where my little family began

late night dinner, just my style.  family time + a game of dominoes

two mile run in the texas heat...phew

hangin with the guys

lunch at one of my fav places in the big d: eatzi's

super cute new dresses; a sweet gift from an even sweeter friend

our fav place to play/explore/burn off some energy!

aqua mason jars & wildflowers: perfect

nonnie has the best accessories

snuggle time with my sick baby

total pals

instafriday.

making sunday lunch with a view

my nature girl

summer veggies ready for the grill

raiding great grammy's candy stash

pic with great grammy: i bribed them with m&m's

painted nails for the first time in a looooong time

road trip stop at wendy's...lovin some juice

tea party with friends

exploring boston's north shore

hangin at the airport.  literally

bathing beauts

it's a running-through-the-sprinkler kind of day

iced coffee and cards with the fam

multitude monday.

{source}

703.  running barefoot through the grass.
704.  my girls in matching dresses.
705.  throwing a football with my husband.  i earned major awesomeness points.
706.  catching up with girlfriends.
707.  summer evenings out for drinks.
708.  little hands holding mine.
709.  our backyard.
710.  walks to visit my grandmother.
711.  the smell of the grill on warm summer evenings.
712.  running through puddles with my girls in the rain.
713.  togetherness.
714.  god overflowing my heart with hope.
715.  little girls snuggled warm in hooded towels after bathtime.
716.  letting go.
717.  drinking in all that god has given us and fulling so very full.