keep it up.

{source}

i haven't written much in a while about my grief journey.  i think partly because i was afraid if i did, the floodgates would open and i just might drown.

the past few months have been so hard.  well, let's just be honest.  the past couple of years have been just plain difficult.  i'm not one to complain (at least i hope i'm not), and i don't like to see my glass as half empty, but sometimes you've just gotta be honest.  life has thrown us many disappointments recently and it has been rough, to say the least.

in february, my grampy fell and what we thought would be a quick trip to the er ended up being a three week stay in the hospital, and then admittance into a nursing home.  a week after my grandfather was admitted into the icu, i found my grandmother at their apartment, barely able to walk and incredibly confused.  she cried telling me how much she just wanted to go to heaven (i cried with her).  she was asking me what certain household items were, and spelling out words that she "saw" on the shirt i was wearing.  i had to help her take a shower, get dressed and eventually my sister and i got her in a wheelchair and took her to that same hospital our grandfather was in.  they've both been in the same nursing home together for a couple of months now, and it's been so difficult watching (mainly my grandfather) deteriorate... especially painful since he resembles my dad so much and it hasn't even been two years since we watched life be taken from him as well.

i've struggled a lot over the past couple of years with questioning god and wishing i had answers to why my life looks so differently than i thought it was going to.  i've wanted to shake my fist at him a few times, tell him that i think my plan was a whole lot better, and that all of the hurt we have gone through during this season of life just doesn't seem fair.

{how's that for honesty?}

one thing i have learned is that faith is not easy.  but i don't think it should be... because life's not easy.  it throws us curve balls.  people disappoint and hurt us.  circumstances of our lives carry pain; sometimes pain so deep we feel like we can hardly breathe.  and if we're honest, sometimes we wonder where god is in all of it.

i have a long way to go in healing from the emotional scars of this season of my life.  but one thing i know for sure: god is there.  he's there in the unexpected daffodils that bloomed through the dirt in our front yard.  he's there in my husband's sacrificial love for me.  he's there in the warm days that have come after a cold, snowy winter.  god is there in my baby girls sweet snuggles.  he's there in surprises that show up at our doorstep.  he's there in his word; his promises that are ever so soothing to my aching heart.

he is there.

i love running.  it is a time in my day that i can get out into the sunshine (or sometimes, the rain) and process my day, clear my head, pray.  tonight on my run, i took a longer route and was struggling a bit near the end.  i had fought the urge to give up several times and managed to keep my feet pounding the pavement in rhythm.  as i rounded a corner, i saw an old man standing out near the road.  as i got closer, i lifted my gaze to him so that i could say "hi" as i ran by.  his eyes met mine and he smiled.  "you're doing a good job, honey" he said "keep it up."  his words immediately warmed my heart and gave me the extra spring in my step to make it home.  tired and hot, i collapsed in a rocking chair on our front porch before going inside to resume motherly duties.  i sat and reflected on those encouraging words from that old man, and i started to cry.

i know it sounds strange, but god knew i needed to hear those words.  not only on my run, but in my life.

it reminded me of a verse i heard my dad quote so often:

"i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith."

(2 timothy 4:7)

i'm still grieving, i'm still hurting, and i'm still healing.  the best part is?  god is patient with me and he loves me right where i am.  he's not wondering when i'll get over it.  he's not keeping track of my questions and my frustration.  he's loving and patient and he is faithful to use these painful, oftentimes tragic circumstances in our lives as opportunities to demonstrate his unfailing grace.  he shows up and let's us know he is there, even when we question, even when we doubt.

and for that, i am so very thankful.

he's there in the words of elderly strangers that tell us to keep on going.

"you're doing a good job, honey.  keep it up."