homesick.

it hasn't even been two months since dad has passed. and in some ways it feels like years. grieving is such a long, slow process. and i'm okay with that. i don't think there will ever be a day that i don't miss my dad--for the rest of my life. i think there will always be a gaping hole where he would have been. sure, it won't always feel so raw and painful. but i'll miss him every day until i get to see him again.

my dad was my rock. he was the first man that ever loved me, took care of me, protected me, made me feel safe. and the only man in my life until there was nick. and he didn't come along until i was twenty six. dad was in so many ways my best friend, my confidant, my source of wisdom in countless things. i still can't watch a football game without wanting to call him after to discuss. or simply thinking of doing tax season without him to consult with throws me into a complete frenzy. and when i have a bad day, or am struggling with trusting god in something i usually first think "i wonder what dad would tell me" since i called him many, many times on those rough days. one of the last things i said to him before he passed was how proud i was of him... that he was my hero. he always has been from the time i was a little girl, and always will be until i'm wrinkly and gray.

nearly every day something happens that causes me to break down; and it's usually a song i hear on the radio. today, i heard "homesick" by mercy me on the way home from school and just dissolved into tears. but i forced myself to keep listening because it's such a beautiful song. and it speaks so directly to the pain i'm feeling. here are the lyrics:

""you're in a better place, i've heard a thousand times
and at least a thousand times i've rejoiced for you
but the reason why i'm broken, the reason why i cry
is how long must i wait to be with you.

i close my eyes and i see your face
if home's where my heart is than i'm out of place
lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
i've never been more homesick than now.

help me lord cause i don't understand your ways
the reason why i wonder if i'll ever know
but, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
cause i'm still here, so far away from home.

in christ, there are no goodbyes
and in christ, there is no end
so i'll hold onto jesus with all that i have
to see you again...

i close my eyes and i see your face
if home's where my heart is than i'm out of place
lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
i've never been more homesick than now."

you can listen to it here. such a pretty, pretty song... heartache filled with *hope*. that is how the grieving process is when we know our loved ones are with jesus. does it bring comfort? absolutely. does it stop the pain? not a chance. we are still bound by our earthly mindsets and missing the ones that we love so dearly. as christians i feel as though sometimes we do each other a disservice trivializing the loss of others by saying cliche things about not mourning because they are in heaven. scripture tells us to "grieve not as those who have no hope". our grief will look different, but it's still painful. it's still a process.

and that is okay. jesus understands. and he meets us right there in our pain.

it's been less than two months and i feel as though life has moved on for everyone but me and my family. which is true. it has. and that's the hard part. i know i've moved on while others have been grieving too. it's natural, i guess. although i hope my response will be different the next time i walk through this with a friend. i don't want people to forget to pray for us. that there are days where we feel utterly broken and shattered by all that we have lost in my dad. that every day we have to face life without a man that we loved so dearly.

i'm just beginning to unpack all of the emotions that have been filling my heart for the past couple of months. i know it's a process, so i'll just keep walking and keep trusting jesus. one day at a time.