ponder anew.

one of my favorite hymns, sung at nick&i's wedding, is "praise to the lord, the almighty". there are a couple verses in that song that have captured my heart and seem to describe exactly the season i have found myself in over the past few years. here are the words to this song that i love so dearly...

"praise to the lord, the almighty, the king of creation
o my soul praise him for he is thy health and salvation
all ye who hear, now to his temple draw near
praise him in glad adoration.

praise to the lord who o'er all things so wonderfully reigneth
shelters thee under his wings yea so gladly sustaineth
hast thou not seen how thy desires e're have been
granted in what he ordaineth

praise to the lord who doth prosper thy work and defend thee
and surely his goodness and mercy here daily attend thee
ponder anew what the almighty can do
if with his love he befriend thee.

praise to the lord, o let all that is in me adore him
all that hath life and breath come now with praises before him
let the 'amen' sound from his people again
gladly for aye we adore him."

i love the line that pleads "ponder anew what the almighty can do", for this is where i find myself as of late. for years and years i struggled, trying to surrender the deepest desires of my heart over to the lord and trusting him and his timing. i longed for the future; to see the plans that god had for me... to be able to speak truth into the lives of women... to have a ministry to others... to meet the man god had for me to share my life with... to hold a sweet baby--my baby--in my arms... to see years of prayers answered. the years passed. plans changed. school dragged on. jobs, ministries, people changed. the bridesmaids dresses piled up in my closet. god seemed to keep saying :

wait.

so i grew accustomed to relating to god through surrender. trusting him through unfulfilled desire. unexpected changes and struggles. sacrifice and self-denial. walking through, what sometimes, felt like a valley.

today i find myself in a completely different place. i moved to a new city, got to establish who i am, build a new life for myself. i graduated from seminary. i have had the amazing privelege of walking side by side with countless women. the lord did answer my prayer for the husband that he had for me by bringing me nick. he was so much of what i had desired in a man to live life with and seeing god's hand in our relationship and in our story from the beginning was SO CLEAR. a year and a half later, on a sunny spring day in maine we were married. two years later we were blessed with the most precious bundle: bella grace.

for some reason i am not used to relating to god through a season of blessing. i am more used to relating to him through a season of want... a season of trusting... a season of trials. it makes me sad to know that i have forgotten that my god is also the god of good things... gifts... blessings... the desires of our hearts. i remember a very poignant moment for me; i was pregnant with bella and nick&i were sitting on the couch listening to music and "praise to the lord, the almighty" started playing from our ipod. i was singing along and then got to the line "hast thou not seen how thy desires e'er have been granted in what he ordaineth?" i looked at down at my hand, clasped with nicks... and my swollen belly, occassionally jerking from the life kicking inside... and immediately tears began streaming down my face. i had forgotten to know my god as the giver of good things.

i, in no way, intend to say that i am in a season of my life where all of my longings are met and there are no struggles. the fact that we ate kraft macaroni&cheese and green beans from a can for dinner last week proves that not to be true. my restless heart will always be struggling to be content. i also don't mean to discourage anyone who is finding themselves in that place of unfulfilled desire...

i am merely processing my thoughts as i type these computer keys, and sharing from my heart where i find myself on this journey with me+jesus.

i am learning that i am far better and much more comfortable giving to jesus rather than receiving. which i think grieves his heart just as much as if the opposite were true. i want to be able to fully embrace the gifts that god blesses me with... fearlessly and without abandon... not feeling guilty, not thinking i am undeserving, and certainly not being scared of when they will be taken away because it seems "too good to be true". that is my jesus... he does exceedingly and abundantly more than we could ask or imagine.

so here i sit. pondering anew what the almighty can do. and so far i have concluded: a whole lot.