when giving thanks is hard.

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this fall, a constant thought has been plaguing my brain: "one year ago".  one year ago, we ate our last dinner with my dad in boston's north end.  he was so happy.  one year ago, he was admitted to mass general for what we thought would be just a few hours.  he ended up not ever leaving.  one year ago, bampy held bella on his hospital bed one last time.  one year ago, we watched jesus take my precious dad home.

one year ago.

this week is especially hard.  i remember everything with such vividness.  our first anniversary of his passing.  last year at this time, nick, bella and i were on a plane headed for dallas.  after good reports from several doctors, promises of a liver transplant right around the corner and the constant demands of my father, we decided to carry through with our plans to spend thanksgiving with nick's family in texas.  little did i know that the very next afternoon i would be right back on a plane again, headed to boston... racing to be with my father who had taken a sudden turn for the worse.

i never ever intended for this blog to be a grief-journal.  i have always prayed that god would use whatever story he writes for me, but i never would've wanted this story.  however, since the god of the universe holds the pen and knows a far bigger plan than my finite mind can comprehend, i figure i might as well share my journey as it just may minister to another griever's heart.

you all, my lovely readers, have been so sweet to encourage my efforts to be genuine and honest.  i so appreciate your kind emails and notes.  i really don't see being authentic as an option.  as a christian--or as a human--i see it as a necessity to make it through this life together.  there's no sense in pretending we have it all together.  no one does.

and there's such freedom in realizing that.

friends have been asking me how i'm doing.  to be honest, some days i don't really know.  one minute, i'm okay.  the next minute i'm yelling at bella and getting worked up over a toy-scattered house, or the sink being full of dishes.  grief has a way of mixing in to all of our emotions and displaying itself in ways we are completely unprepared for.

so as i brace myself for this week, i'm fully admitting that the irony of dad's passing being on thanksgiving makes the whole "giving thanks" thing infinitely difficult.  i know there is always so much to be thankful for and i am certainly blessed.

but i'm not going to pretend that it's easy.

gratitude is a discipline of the heart and the mind.  some days it comes easier than others.  but i believe a truly gracious heart is born on the days where being thankful is difficult.

we've started scripture memory with bella and her verse for the next couple of weeks i picked especially for this time.  when i recite it with her, i'm focusing my heart and mind on it's truth: "give thanks to the lord, for he is good; his love endures forever" psalm 107:1.

i ADORE this quote by ann voskamp in her book, a thousand gifts:

"i have lived pain and my life can tell; i only deepen the wound of the world when i neglect to give thanks for the early light dappled through leaves and heavy perfume of wild roses in early july and the song of crickets on humid nights and the rivers that run and the stars that rise and the rain that falls and all the good things that a good god gives."

giving thanks.  noticing the small things.  keeping up with my gratitude list.  even when it's HARD and my soul feels empty and full of grief.

543.  the early morning frost framing our windows.

544.  norman rockwell christmas prints.  nostalgic simplicity.

545.  homemade pizza.

546.  the quiet of sleeping girls, warm and cozy in their beds.

547.  piles of laundry, warm and clean.

548.  bella's little voice "mama, i am soooo happy."

549.  emmy all bundled up.

550.  nick's saturday morning breakfasts.  the warmth of our home and the smells of bacon sizzling and coffee brewing.

551.  home church.

thanks for walking with me on this journey.  maybe you haven't lost someone, maybe you have.  maybe it's not grief you're struggling with today, but something else.  whatever it may be, i pray that we can all be cultivating gracious hearts. even when it's hard.

god is good ALL THE TIME.  all the time, GOD IS GOOD.

what's for breakfast this morning {clean-eating pumpkin spice granola}.

i love eating healthy... but i especially love when eating healthy tastes good.  kinda important in my book.  i don't think you should have to sacrifice deliciousness just to take better care of your body.  i posted my homemade clean-eating granola recipe a while back, but here is a fall-inspired variation.

yep, that's right.  pumpkin spice granola, for all you pumpkin-lovers out there.  this recipe isn't super sweet like traditional granola, but that's partly what makes it healthy; it's not loaded with sugar.  i use some canned pumpkin, pumpkin spice for the fall-ish punch, and maple syrup for the sweetness.

it's really yummy, and it makes your house smell like pure awesomeness.

bonus.

clean-eating pumpkin spice granola

* 3 c. old fashioned oats
* 1/2 c. raw almonds, chopped
* 1/2 c. raw walnuts, chopped
* 1/4 c. pumpkin seeds
* 1/4 c. ground flaxseed
* 1/2 c. pumpkin puree
* 1/4 c. unsweetened applesauce
* 1/4 c. maple syrup
* 1 T. (less if you want) pumpkin pie spice
* 1 t. vanilla

- combine dry ingredients in a large bowl.  whisk together wet ingredients and combine.
- pour evenly onto a large cookie sheet lined with parchment paper and bake at 325 degrees for about 45 minutes, stirring every so often with a spatula so it won't burn.

voila.  it's like healthified pumpkin pie in a bowl.
you're welcome.

dear emmy.

dear emmy,

you are asleep in the other room as i write this and i just want to go in there, scoop you up and squeeze you like crazy.  whenever you are away from me, i just miss you.  even if you're in the other room!

you have stolen my heart.

you have had a cold and i took you in to the doctor's this week for your six month check up and turns out you have a double ear infection!  i was shocked and so was daddy and everyone who had been around you this weekend!  besides a bit of fussiness at nighttime, you have been as happy as a clam.  you've been squealing and babbling and laughing... what a monkey you are.

this one little stuffed elephant has become your favorite.  he has plastic hands and feet for you to gnaw on while you're teething, so i tuck him into bed with you every night in case you need him.  poor guy; his trunk is always soaked because you've been chewing on him so much!  you love your little elephant.

i was away from you this weekend, and as i was getting closer to home i called daddy to tell him to keep you up because i just had to see you!  when i walked in the front door, you saw me and started bopping up and down, shaking with excitement.  i loved it.

you've been babbling quite a bit lately.  you say "mama" and "dada", and although i'm not sure you are saying them on purpose, we like to pretend you are because it's so cute.  you're working on saying "bella".  she has been super affectionate with you lately, wanting to hug and kiss you and dance with you.  one of my greatest joys is watching the two of you together.

your smile continues to be contagious.  you still suck your thumb (which is one of my absolute favorite things!).  you love to stare at people and study them.  auntie keeps telling me that you were sitting in her lap on sunday and you stared at her for an hour.  i believe it.  you are a studier of people.  you love your jumper, have started being able to sit for a while, and we've started giving you some "real" food.  oatmeal and peas (you hate) and butternut squash (you've decided is tolerable).  you love to sputter the food everywhere and spit it right back out.

you love being in bed with mama and daddy after your early morning feeding.  you snuggle right up to me and i laugh looking at all the space in our giant bed daddy has, and how you are right on top of me, pushing me to the edge.  i will really miss that, emmy girl.

i love you so much it hurts my heart.  you are the sweetest blessing, emmy faith, and i want you to *always* know that.

love you, baby girl,
mama

multitude monday.

530.  first snowflakes.
531.  emmy's thumb sucking.  especially when cuddling with mama.
532.  a weekend away with old friends.  too awesome for words.
533.  starbucks red cups.  the christmas season is officially upon us.
534.  talking to bella on the phone.  what a sweet little voice she has.
535.  cobblestone streets in the old port.
536.  backyard fires on crisp autumn evenings.
537.  sewing days.
538.  watching bella love on emmy.
539.  things that remind me of dad.
540.  a good cry.
541.  my husband.  and his love for his girls (all three of us).

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trick or treat.

i always get so excited to dress my munchkins up for halloween.  i plan out their costumes and love taking a million pictures!  this year, my camera died before i could get many, but i did manage to snap a few...

emmy faith's first halloween!  i found this super adorable pink bunny costume courtesy of google-searching.  the best part was the little cotton ball tail, and i didn't even get a picture of it!  i'll probably dress her in it again next week just to get a few more photos... but it even came with a carrot rattle.  how cute!

it was especially fun with bella because she was super into it!  she'd been talking about "her costume" for days... "mama, i want to show jude my costume!"  "i want to wear my costume and go...get...CANDY!"  needless to say, girl was pumped.  we originally got her a cinderella dress (as she is obsessed with all things princess) and i was SO excited to have her wear it... alas, even the smallest size was too big on our tiny two year old.  so, in the closet it stays until next year.  we improvised with a pretty tutu dress and princess accessories... and she was just in heaven!

we went to meme's work (she works for a tv station), hung out with jude and lucy and went to aunt holly's house where they got treats and bella got to socialize with all of their trick or treaters.  at one point, she was outside telling everyone "ohhh, come on in!" and handing out candy.  what a nut.

one of my favorite moments of the night was getting pictures of the girls in the entryway of our home.  sound totally lame?  ok, i'll explain.  we live in my grandparents old house, and i have pictures of me when i was a little girl, dressed as a princess, standing in that same entryway.  it just flooded my heart with nostaligic goodness.  love stuff like that.

until next year...

multitude monday.

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518.  the feel of my girls warm, chubby cheeks pressed up against mine.  pure.heaven.
519.  homemade tortillas, warm from the skillet.
520.  double dates with my husband.  laughing with friends.
521.  pom pom trim.  one of my newest obsessions.
522.  family pictures.  can't have enough of them!  capturing the moments.
523.  emmy's babble.  hearing her sweet little voice: "mama mama mama" and "dada dada dada".
524.  bella having special sleepovers with her cousin and aunt holly!  such fun adventures for my little girl.
525.  our cozy home.
526.  chicken wire baskets.
527.  singing the girls to sleep. the.best.
528.  watching bella and nick dancing in the kitchen, while bella sings (or screeches) "i know you, i've walked with you once upon a dream!" at the top of her lungs and trying to burn that image in my memory for perhaps one day they'll be dancing at her wedding.  oh, dear.
529.  emmy's chubby thighs.  i can't think of many things that are more awesome.

mourning with those who mourn.

i've been mulling the concept of mourning over in this head of mine over the past eleven months.  not only have i experienced a huge loss in my life, but i've also watched several people i care about lose loved ones within this last year as well.  while watching them, hearing their stories, and reflecting on my own experiences, i've come to many conclusions about mourning.  one of them is this: sometimes christians aren't very good at this whole grief thing.

and that totally stinks.

i guess i get it.  pain is uncomfortable.  we don't always know what to do with other people's suffering, and most of the time wish we could just put the pieces of their broken lives back together again.  but i wonder; why are we so anxious for people to feel better?  because we care, definitely, yes.  but sometimes i think we want to make things "pretty" again.  less messy.  so we don't have to get our hands dirty... so we don't feel uncomfortable looking at or experiencing the brokenness.

too bad this doesn't work.  why?  because life is messy.  there's no getting around it.  doesn't make you any less godly or unspiritual or faith-less to struggle.  in fact, i think the contrary is true.  jesus tells us in his word that suffering is a part of this life:

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i'll never forget one of my first classes at dallas seminary.  i was a bright eyed, naive twenty three year old, eager and ready to become a counselor and help others.  there i sat, soaking up every word my professor was saying much like a dry sponge, thirsting for water.  and then he said something like this: 

"many of you will meet with hurting people and you will have the urge to spend an hour with them, talking with them, helping them and then wrap everything up at the end of your sixty minutes with a nice, neat bow on top.  you'll send them on their way, thinking you've made everything nice and pretty and you've "fixed" them.  but it doesn't work that way.  healing is a process.  and it's not pretty.  it's not our job to clean people up.  it's our job to sit with them in their pain and show them the love of jesus."

wow.

that statement had a profound effect on me.  and how i wish that more people had this perspective.  especially followers of christ.

i've cringed every time someone has told me not to be sad because my dad's in a "better place".  although it's true, he is in a much better place, my emotions, my grief, my sorrow and my deep, profound sense of loss is real.  jesus has been so sweet to draw me close to him, and fill me with his grace... but that does not mean it's always easy.

and that's okay.

the shortest verse in the bible is john 11:35.  two words: "jesus wept."  if you look further into the context of this verse, you'll find out why.  because he lost a good friend.  lazarus had died.  i love the power of envisioning the savior of the world, crouched down on the ground, weeping tears of sorrow and aching with loss.  why?  because i know he gets it.  isaiah 53:3 talks of him being a man of many sorrows, well acquainted with grief.

so if we are truly loving each other in the way that i believe christ calls us to, i think our support of one another would look a whole lot different.  there would be less talking and more listening.  less "having to have all of the answers" and more sitting with someone in their pain.  less not wanting to get messy, and more rolling up our sleeves to go to battle with and for one another.  that's the kind of christ-follower i want to be, and certainly the kind i want to raise our girls to be.

scripture calls us to "rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn" (romans 12:15). why?  we are supposed to be for each other.  are you a fellow mourner?  or are you too busy?  too comfortable to get messy?

my family and i are coming up on the year anniversary of my dad's death.  friends (and even some strangers!) from all over the country have been so sweet in sending cards, letters, text messages and phone calls to let me know they are praying for us.  it's been such a blessing... i can honestly say that i feel a sense of joy and peace i haven't felt in the past year.  i know god's healing my heart... and the encouragement and support of others has made his love for me tangible.  people being the hands and feet of jesus, and loving well.

we need each other for these times.  this is when the rubber meets the road, and our faith is called to action. if we love jesus, we can't help but love others.  in hard times, in good times, in easy times, in not-so-easy times.

"if i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and knowledge, and if i have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, i am nothing."

1 corinthians 13:2 

so let's roll up our sleeves and go to battle for one another.  let's live this life side by side.  willing to get messy.  daring to love.