because i can assure you, i am not.
but i always figure if god lays something on my heart to share, then maybe i need to share it. so, here goes.
i knew i wanted to marry my husband for many reasons. one of the most important reasons for me was that his sweet and tender heart challenged me to be a better woman. and when i was a young girl, i vowed that i wouldn't marry someone unless i could better serve the lord with them than without them. so to me, this was the icing on the cake.
done deal.
probably one of the biggest things about his heart that stands out to me is his unconditional love for everyone. all people. rich, poor, nerdy, popular: everyone. what stood out specifically to me, was his heart for the homeless. living in dallas for the first years of our marriage, we were often confronted with people at red lights, or sitting on sidewalks, asking for money. it was easy for me to think of excuses as to why i didn't need to give my money to them. you know, the old standby excuses we use: "what if they spend it on drugs or alcohol?" or "what if they don't really need it?" blah, blah, blah... excuses. selfishness. fear.
watching my husband love and serve selflessly and without reservation changed my heart.
how people spend their money should be left between them and god, not me. isn't what matters most the state of my heart? my willingness to serve? and shouldn't i be available to be used by the lord to bless others? no matter what?
one summer day a few months into our marriage, we had stayed at a hotel in downtown dallas for a weekend away. walking hand and hand to get lunch, we passed through dealey plaza and into the west end. i noticed nick had gotten silent on our walk. at lunch, i asked him about it. he said we had passed three homeless people on our way and he couldn't stop thinking about them. so, he ordered three boxed lunches to go from corner bakery and off we went for him to deliver the food to the people god had laid on his heart.
{and all the while, god is not only revealing to me the heart of the man i married, but the flaws and faults of my own...i had seen them, too, but rather than thinking about what we could do to help, i wanted to shrink away so they wouldn't "bother" us. real nice, huh?}.
just this past weekend, nick&i were going over our budget, preparing for the holidays (especially christmas). ideas swirled around in my head of all of the things we "needed" to get for bella... the kitchen set i want us to buy her, the christmas movie collection she has to have complete with "frosty" and "rudolph", her cute little christmas outfit and pj's... and what about some new work clothes for nick? and a haircut for me? not to mention my need for some more maternity clothes for my ever expanding belly and my ever shrinking wardrobe options? our budget session ended with me in tears thinking about all of these things--these "wants"--and how we will have to wait and see how and when we can afford them.
rather than trusting god's provision for all things...and focusing my heart and my mind on the things that really matter (and i can assure you a new haircut is not one of them).
yesterday, i ran to the grocery store with bella after a morning out of running errands. it ended in a bit of a whirlwind as she was melting down into a puddle of fussi-i'm-hungry-and-it's-almost-time-for-my-nap-ness. i hurriedly pushed her and the cart of groceries out to the car, fished her kicked off boots from the cart to put on her feet, strapped her in her carseat (flailing and crying as i buckled her in) and stuck my keys in the ignition, preparing for my quick getaway. as i pulled up to the red light at the edge of the parking lot, i saw him. an older man kneeling by a rolled up tent, possessions stuffed into a rumpled paper bag. he held a sign, which i didn't really bother to read because i already knew what it would say.
my mind immediately went into over-drive.
i frantically started thinking... i didn't have any cash on me anyway, so i didn't have anything to give him. bella was continuing her tear-fest in the backseat and i really needed to get her home so naptime wouldn't be delayed. and she needed lunch. on and on went the thoughts... and all the while, that still small tug at my heart continued.
i knew it was god.
in a moment, i put my blinker on and made the decision that i was not going to listen to the excuses swirling around in my head (or the screaming little girl in the backseat!) i silently prayed for god to calm bella down, and i made my way down the street to mcdonalds. i ordered him a value meal (which, when bella saw the mcdonald's bag said "french fry?" and calmed right down when i gave her two). after a quick u-turn, i approached the light again, rolled down my window.
"sir?" i asked. i will never forget the shocked look on his face when his eyes met mine, and saw the folded-down mcdonald's bag extended in his direction. "i hope you like cheeseburgers," i said. "and coke." he just looked at me, his blue eyes melted from shock to gratitude, the thick lines around his eyes softened as he said "thank you, ma'am. god bless." i smiled, "have a good day, sir." and that was it. i rolled up my window and drove away, my heart breaking... wishing there was more i could do than offer him five dollars worth of cheeseburgers and french fries. as i replayed the scene again in my mind, i began to cry.
how selfish my heart can be. how focused i can get on my "needs" rather than the very real needs of those around me. needs like food and a warm bed, not needs like a haircut with new layers or another maternity shirt to diversify my wardrobe.
and as i drove away, something else hit me. matthew 25:35-36.
"for i was hungry, and you gave me something to eat. i was thirsty, you gave me something to drink. i was a stranger, you invited me in, i needed clothes and you clothed me, i was sick and you looked after me, i was in prison and you came to visit me."
i know this may sound crazy, but i saw jesus in that man's eyes.
how many times i've ignored that tugging at my heart, and have come up with a billion excuses, rather than pause and obey. what if i serve and love, rather than question or judge?
i'm so thankful that sanctification is a process... that we are all a work in the making until we get to heaven. these are the lessons i want us to teach our children; and not only teach them through our words, but by the way we live our lives. love others. and love them well.
as i got bella out of her car seat, tears still in my eyes, she asked for more french fries. "no, i told her. those were for the man that needed them." lunch went off without a hitch, and although naptime was a bit delayed, she was certainly no worse for the wear. but hopefully there was a man whose stomach was a bit more sustained... who had one less meal to worry about... and whose day was a bit more blessed because we put ours on pause and listened to the still, small voice of jesus.
thank you, husband, for challenging me to be a better woman. and thank you, jesus, for speaking to me... and for giving me the grace to listen (when i decide to obey and seek after your heart).
{NOTE: a couple of books that god has really used to minister to my heart in the area of giving to those in need are irresistable revolution by shane claiborne and same kind of different as me by ron hall and denver moore. both amazing books. go read them if you haven't, please!}
